nching forward with their elbows linked.
McMurphy hands back the cup, says, "No sir, ma'am, but I'll forgo the blindfold. Could use a cigarette, though."
I hand mine back too, and she says she must phone and she slips the glass door across between us, is at the phone before anybody can say anything else.
"I'm sorry if I got you into something, Chief," McMurphy says, and I barely can hear him over the noise of the phone wires whistling in the walls. I can feel the scared downhill rush of thoughts in my head.
We're sitting in the day room, those faces around us in a circle, when in the door comes the Big Nurse herself, the two big black boys on each side, a step behind her. I try to shrink down in my chair, away from her, but it's too late. Too many people looking at me; sticky eyes hold me where I sit.
"Good morning," she says, got her old smile back now. McMurphy says good morning, and I keep quiet even though she says good morning to me too, out loud. I'm watching the black boys; one has tape on his nose and his arm in a sling, gray hand dribbling out of the cloth like a drowned spider, and the other one is moving like he's got some kind of cast around his ribs. They are both grinning a little. Probably could of stayed home with their hurts, but wouldn't miss this for nothing. I grin back just to show them.
The Big Nurse talks to McMurphy, soft and patient, about the irresponsible thing he did, the childish thing, throwing a tantrum like a little boy--aren't you ashamed? He says he guesses not and tells her to get on with it.
She talks to him about how they, the patients downstairs on our ward, at a special group meeting yesterday afternoon, agreed with the staff that it might be beneficial that he receive some shock therapy--unless he realizes his mistakes. All he has to do is admit he was wrong, to indicate, demonstrate rational contact, and the treatment would be canceled this time.
That circle of faces waits and watches. The nurse says it's up to him.
"Yeah?" he says. "You got a paper I can sign?"
"Well, no, but if you feel it nec--"
"And why don't you add some other things while you're at it and get them out of the way--things like, oh, me being part of a plot to overthrow the government and like how I think life on your ward is the sweetest goddamned life this side of Hawaii--you know, that sort of crap."
"I don't believe that would--"
"Then, after I sign, you bring me a blanket and a package of Red Cross cigarettes. Hooee, those Chinese Commies could have learned a few things from you, lady."
"Randle, we are trying to help you."
But he's on his feet, scratching at his belly, walking on past her and the black boys rearing back, toward the card tables.
"O-kay, well well well, where's this poker table, buddies ... ?"
The nurse stares after him a moment, then walks into the Nurses' Station to use the phone.
Two colored aides and a white aide with curly blond hair walk us over to the Main Building. McMurphy talks with the white aide on the way over, just like he isn't worried about a thing.
There's frost thick on the grass, and the two colored aides in front trail puffs of breath like locomotives. The sun wedges apart some of the clouds and lights up the frost till the grounds are scattered with sparks. Sparrows fluffed out against the cold, scratching among the sparks for seeds. We cut across the crackling grass, past the digger squirrel holes where I saw the dog. Cold sparks. Frost down the holes, clear out of sight.
I feel that frost in my belly.
We get up to that door, and there's a sound behind like bees stirred up. Two men in front of us, reeling under the red capsules, one bawling like a baby, saying "It's my cross, thank you Lord, it's all I got, thank you Lord...."
The other guy waiting is saying, "Guts ball, guts ball." He's the lifeguard from the pool. And he's crying a little too.
I won't cry or yell. Not with McMurphy here.
The technician asks us to take off our shoes, and McMurphy asks him if we get our pants slit and our heads shaved too. The technician says no such luck.
The metal door looks out with its rivet eyes.
The door opens, sucks the first man inside. The lifeguard won't budge. A beam like neon smoke comes out of the black panel in the room, fastens on his cleat-marked forehead and drags him in like a dog on a leash. The beam spins him around three times before the door closes, and his face is scrambled fear. "Hut one," he grunts. "Hut two! Hut three!"
I hear them in there pry up his forehead like a manhole cover, clash and snarl of jammed cogs.
Smoke blows the door open, and a Gurney comes out with the first man on it, and he rakes me with his eyes. That face. The Gurney goes back in and brings the lifeguard out. I can hear the yell-leaders spelling out his name.
The technician says, "Next group."
The floor's cold, frosted, crackling. Up above the light whines, tube long and white and icy. Can smell the graphite salve, like the smell in a garage. Can smell acid of fear. There's one window, up high, small, and outside I see those puffy sparrows strung up on a wire like brown beads. Their heads sunk in the feathers against the cold. Something goes to blowing wind over my hollow bones, higher and higher, air raid! air raid!
"Don't holler, Chief...."
Air raid!
"Take 'er easy. I'll go first. My skull's too thick for them to hurt me. And if they can't hurt me they can't hurt you."
Climbs on the table without any help and spreads his arms out to fit the shadow. A switch snaps the clasps on his wrists, ankles, clamping him into the shadow. A hand takes off his wristwatch, won it from Scanlon, drops it near the panel, it springs open, cogs and wheels and the long dribbling spiral of spring jumping against the side of the panel and sticking fast.
He don't look a bit scared. He keeps grinning at me.
They put the graphite salve on his temples. "What is it?" he says. "Conductant," the technician says. "Anointest my head with conductant. Do I get a crown of thorns?"
They smear it on. He's singing to them, makes their hands shake.
"'Get Wildroot Cream Oil, Cholly....'"
Put on those things like headphones, crown of silver thorns over the graphite at his temples. They try to hush his singing with a piece of rubber hose for him to bite on.
"'Mage with thoothing lan-o-lin.'"
Twist some dials, and the machine trembles, two robot arms pick up soldering irons and hunch down on him. He gives me the wink and speaks to me, muffled, tells me something, says something to me around that rubber hose just as those irons get close enough to the silver on his temples--light arcs across, stiffens him, bridges him up off the table till nothing is down but his wrists and ankles and out around that crimped black rubber hose a sound like hooeee! and he's frosted over completely with sparks.
And out the window the sparrows drop smoking off the wire.
They roll him out on a Gurney, still jerking, face frosted white. Corrosion. Battery acid. The technician turns to me.
Watch that other moose. I know him. Hold him!
It's not a will-power thing any more.
Hold him! Damn. No more of these boys without Seconal.
The clamps bite my wrists and ankles.
The graphite salve has iron filings in it, temples scratching.
He said something when he winked. Told me something.
Man bends over, brings two irons toward the ring on my head.
The machine hunches on me.
AIR RAID.
Hit at a lope, running already down the slope. Can't get back, can't go ahead, look down the barrel an' you dead dead dead.
We come up outa the bullreeds run beside the railroad track. I lay an ear to the track, and it burns my cheek.
"Nothin' either way," I say, "a hundred miles...."
"Hump," Papa says.
"Didn't we used to listen for buffalo by stickin' a knife in the ground, catch the handle in our teeth, hear a herd way off?"
"Hump," he says again, but he's tickled. Out across the other side of the track a fencerow of wheat chats from last winter. Mice under that stuff, the dog says.
"Do we go up the track or down the track, boy?"
"We go across, is what the ol' dog says."
"That dog don't heel."
"He'll do. There's birds over there is what the ol' dog says."
"Better hunting up the track bank is what your ol' man says."
"Best right across in the chats of wheat, the dog tells me."
Across--next thing I know there's people all over the track, blasting away at pheasants like anything. Seems our dog got too far out ahead and run all the birds outs the chats to the track.
Dog got three mice.
... man, Man, MAN, MAN ... broad and big with a wink like a star.
Ants again oh Jesus and I got 'em bad this time, prickle-footed bastards. Remember the time we found those ants tasted like dill pickles? Hee? You said it wasn't dill pickles and I said it was, and your mama kicked the living tar outa me when she heard: Teachin' a kid to eat bugs!
Ugh. Good Injun boy should know how to survive on anything he can eat that won't eat him first.
We ain't Indians. We're civilized and you remember it.
You told me Papa When I die pin me up against the sky.
Mama's name was Bromden. Still is Bromden. Papa said he was born with only one name, born smack into it the way a calf drops out in a spread blanket when the cow insists on standing up. Tee Ah Millatoona, the Pine-That-Stands-Tallest-on-the-Mountain, and I'm the biggest by God Injun in the state of Oregon and probly California and Idaho. Born right into it.
You're the biggest by God fool if you think that a good Christian woman takes on a name like Tee Ah Millatoona. You were born into a name, so okay, I'm born into a name. Bromden. Mary Louise Bromden.
And when we move into town, Papa says, that name makes gettin' that Social Security card a lot easier.
Guy's after somebody with a riveter's hammer, get him too, if he keeps at it. I see those lightning flashes again, colors striking.
Ting. Tingle, tingle, tremble toes, she's a good fisherman, catches hens, puts 'em inna pens ... wire blier, limber lock, three geese inna flock ... one flew east, one flew west, one flew over the cuckoo's nest ... O-U-T spells out... goose swoops down and plucks you out.
My old grandma chanted this, a game we played by the hours, sitting by the fish racks scaring flies. A game called Tingle Tingle Tangle Toes. Counting each finger on my two outspread hands, one finger to a syllable as she chants.
Tingle, ting-le, tang-le toes (seven fingers) she's a good fisherman, catches hens (sixteen fingers, tapping a finger on each beat with her black crab hand, each of my fingernails looking up at her like a little face asking to be the you that the goose swoops down and plucks out).
I like the game and I like Grandma. I don't like Mrs. Tingle Tangle Toes, catching hens. I don't like her. I do like that goose flying over the cuckoo's nest. I like him, and I like Grandma, dust in her wrinkles.
Next time I saw her she was stone cold dead, right in the middle of The Dalles on the sidewalk, colored shirts standing around, some Indians, some cattlemen, some wheatmen. They cart her down to the city burying ground, roll red clay into her eyes.
I remember hot, still electric-storm afternoons when jack-rabbits ran under Diesel truck wheels.
Joey Fish-in-a-Barrel has twenty thousand dollars and three Cadillacs since the contract. And he can't drive none of 'em.
I see a dice.
I see it from the inside, me at the bottom. I'm the weight, loading the dice to throw that number one up there above me. They got the dice loaded to throw a snake eyes, and I'm the load, six lumps around me like white pillows is the other side of the dice, the number six that will always be down when he throws. What's the other dice loaded for? I bet it's loaded to throw one too. Snake eyes. They're shooting with crookies against him, and I'm the load.
Look out, here comes a toss. Ay, lady, the smokehouse is empty and baby needs a new pair of opera pumps. Comin' at ya. Faw!
Crapped out.
Water. I'm lying in a puddle.
Snake eyes. Caught him again. I see that number one up above me: he can't whip frozen dice behind the feedstore in an alley--in Portland.
The alley is a tunnel it's cold because the sun is late afternoon. Let me ... go see Grandma. Please, Mama.
What was it he said when he winked?
One flew east one flew west.
Don't stand in my way.
Damn it, nurse, don't stand in my way Way WAY!
My roll. Faw. Damn. Twisted again. Snake eyes.
The schoolteacher tell me you got a good head, boy, be something....
Be what, Papa? A rug-weaver like Uncle R & J Wolf? A basket-weaver? Or another drunken Indian.
I say, attendant, you're an Indian, aren't you?
Yeah, that's right.
Well, I must say, you speak the language quite well.
Yeah.
Well ... three dollars of regular.
They wouldn't be so cocky if they knew what me and the moon have going. No damned regular Indian ...
He who--what was it?--walks out of step, hears another drum.
Snake eyes again. Hoo boy, these dice are cold.
After Grandma's funeral me and Papa and Uncle Running-and-Jumping Wolf dug her up. Mama wouldn't go with us; she never heard of such a thing. Hanging a corpse in a tree! It's enough to make a person sick.
Uncle R & J Wolf and Papa spent twenty days in the drunk tank at The Dalles jail, playing rummy, for Violation of the Dead.
But she's our goddanged mother!
It doesn't make the slightest difference, boys. You shoulda left her buried. I don't know when you blamed Indians will learn. Now, where is she? You'd better tell.
Ah go fuck yourself, paleface, Uncle R & J said, rolling himself a cigarette. I'll never tell.
High high high in the hills, high in a pine tree bed, she's tracing the wind with that old hand, counting the clouds with that old chant: ... three geese in a flock ...
What did you say to me when you winked?
Band playing. Look--the sky; it's the Fourth of July.
Dice at rest.
They got to me with the machine again ... I wonder ...
What did he say?
... wonder how McMurphy made me big again.
He said Guts ball.
They're out there. Black boys in white suits peeing under the door on me, come in later and accuse me of soaking all six these pillows I'm lying on! Number six. I thought the room was a dice. The number one, the snake eye up there, the circle, the white light in the ceiling ... is what I've been seeing ... in this little square room ... means it's after dark. How many hours have I been out? It's fogging a little, but I won't slip off and hide in it. No ... never again ...
I stand, stood up slowly, feeling numb between the shoulders. The white pillows on the floor of the Seclusion Room were soaked from me peeing on them while I was out. I couldn't remember all of it yet, but I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands and tried to clear my head. I worked at it. I'd never worked at coming out of it before.
I staggered toward the little round chicken-wired window in the door of the room and tapped it with my knuckles. I saw an aide coming up the hall with a tray for me and knew this time I had them beat.
THERE HAD BEEN TIMES when I'd wandered around in a daze for as long as two weeks after a shock treatment, living in that foggy, jumbled blur which is a whole lot like the ragged edge of sleep, that gray zone between light and dark, or between sleeping and waking or living and dying, where you know you're not unconscious any more but don't know yet what day it is or who you are or what's the use of coming back at all--for two weeks. If you don't have a reason to wake up you can loaf around in that gray zone for a long, fuzzy time, or if you want to bad enough I found you can come fighting right out of it. This time I came fighting out of it in less than a day, less time than ever.
And when the fog was finally swept from my head it seemed like I'd just come up after a long, deep dive, breaking the surface after being under water a hundred years. It was the last treatment they gave me.
They gave McMurphy three more treatments that week. As quick as he started coming out of one, getting the click back in his wink, Miss Ratched would arrive with the doctor and they would ask him if he felt like he was ready to come around and face up to his problem and come back to the ward for a cure. And he'd swell up, aware that every one of those faces on Disturbed had turned toward him and was waiting, and he'd tell the nurse he regretted that he had but one life to give for his country and she could kiss his rosy red ass before he'd give up the goddam ship. Yeh!
Then stand up and take a couple of bows to those guys grinning at him while the nurse led the doctor into the station to phone over to the Main Building and authorize another treatment.
Once, as she turned to walk away, he got hold of her through the back of her uniform, gave her a pinch that turned her face red as his hair. I think if the doctor hadn't been there, hiding a grin himself, she would've slapped McMurphy's face.
I tried to talk him into playing along with her so's to get out of the treatments, but he just laughed and told me Hell, all they was doin' was chargin' his battery for him, free for nothing. "When I get out of here the first woman that takes on ol' Red McMurphy the ten-thousand-watt psychopath, she's gonna light up like a pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars! No, I ain't scared of their little battery-charger."
He insisted it wasn't hurting him. He wouldn't even take his capsules. But every time that loudspeaker called for him to forgo breakfast and prepare to walk to Building One, the muscles in his jaw went taut and his whole face drained of color, looking thin and scared--the face I had seen reflected in the windshield on the trip back from the coast.
I left Disturbed at the end of the week and went back to the ward. I had a lot of things I wanted to say to him before I went, but he'd just come back from a treatment and was sitting following the ping-pong ball with his eyes like he was wired to it. The colored aide and the blond one took me downstairs and let me onto our ward and locked the door behind me. The ward seemed awful quiet after Disturbed. I walked to our day room and for some reason stopped at the door; everybody's face turned up to me with a different look than they'd ever given me before. Their faces lighted up as if they were looking into the glare of a sideshow platform. "Here, in fronta your very eyes," Harding spiels, "is the Wi