Though I'm not dying, there's a sense of finality looming over me. If I make it over to my old life, I will of course do all of these types of chores again and experience the same tastes and scents, I just won't be here again. I won't be in this house again. Olivia won't be five. I won't be in this body the way it is now again. If I don't make it back and I end up like Jesus, none of that will matter anyway. Everything will have lost its taste, scent, and possibly, its meaning.
In the evening I make my rounds to both of my parents' houses. I do my best to act normal and not succumb to the somber undercurrent that I'm suppressing inside. I must be doing a good job because they're happy to see me and want to hear all about my trip.
I head back home around 8:00 p.m. and put Olivia to bed. I'm extremely tired, but my mind is very busy trying to sort out what to do for the rest of the week. I contemplate calling in sick the next day, or for the whole week for that matter, but I know I'll get restless if I have too much time on my hands.
After I finish getting ready for bed and locking up the house I flip on my laptop. I prop myself on pillows in the middle of my bed and start to check my email. I hear the chime of an instant message. "Hey," Michael types. I check the time on the laptop. It's 6:00 a.m. his time.
"Hi," I respond. "You're up early."
"I just got off the night shift at work. I am about to go to bed," he writes.
"Oh. I'm just about to as well," I respond.
"I was hoping you would be online," he writes. "I just wanted to tell you something. I didn't really respond when we talked in England. I didn't know what to say at the time. But what I should have said is I have never met a girl, or a human being as sincere as you. What touched me the most is that I have never seen a person cry because I left them. I've seen sad faces but I've never seen tears, and I've never seen tears shed out of pure love, like I did then. And the other day you showed me that I'm more loved than I've ever felt before in my life by another person. What saddens me, however, is the inevitable fact that we have a distance between us. The distance itself is fine by me, but the time between the times that I get to see you is what makes me sad. On the other hand, I know I can wait for you. I know I want to and I know I will if you want me to. But I'm scared that you will change your mind. I will understand if you do, but it will hurt. But most importantly, I want to tell you thank you for loving me. Because I love you back."
I sit in silence for a moment, reading his words over and over again. It's everything I needed from him. It validates that we truly have a connection, and are meant to be together in any scenario.
I have one week until I make my departure from this place. This morning I was emotionally dragging my feet preparing for the journey. Now I want to break into a sprint.
CHAPTER 83
I've mentally, physically and emotionally accepted that this may be it. This may be the last week that I'll be here in this time. I have prepared myself for the fact that if I get back home, relationships will be different. People will be different.
I won't know Mary any longer. My grandparents will have passed away and Nancy will be alive. Joe will be in Idaho with his new family and we won't be friends anymore. At any moment, you can make a small decision that changes everything. Sometimes you might still end up where you were going in the first place, and other times you might not. Any step in a different direction might not only lead you to a different destination, but also force someone else towards another one. All of this reminds me how fragile life can be, and how we're all connected.
Though I'm scared about what will take place during the process of trying to cross over, I'm more terrified by the thought of not making it. Therefore, I am determined to fight and push until I get to where I belong.
Tonight is the night I'm supposed to talk with Joe. Though I've mentally gone over and over in my mind what I want to tell him, I know that it will not be taken lightly. Besides Astrid and John, Joe is the only other person I'll have told the truth to about how I got here and what I believe is my real life.
I begin shaking with nerves when hearing his truck pull in the driveway. He hesitantly agreed to take Olivia to his parents to have dinner with them so we could talk in private. I'm certain he's worried this will be a discussion about selling the house, child support or custody. Maybe the truth will actually be a relief for him?but that's doubtful.
I sit in silence waiting for him to knock on the door. "Come in," I call out when he finally does.
He opens the door and glances around the room, until he sees me on the couch. "Hi," he says.
My palms are beginning to sweat and I'm now having a hard time concealing my anxiety. "Can you sit, please?" I nervously ask.
He frowns slightly, curious at my behavior, but complies and sits in the armchair nearby. "Everything OK?" he asks, concerned.
I clear my throat. "Hold on," I say. I get up and go to the fridge, grab a beer, pop the top, take a swig and then bring the bottle out to the living room.
"Here. You're going to want this," I say, handing it to him. He awkwardly takes it and watches me sit down.
I swallow the knot in my throat and take a deep breath. "I know what I'm about to tell you will sound absolutely crazy," I carefully disclaim. "But I need to let you know that on Sunday something is going to happen that will change everything."
Joe stares at me, beer in hand and lips slightly parted, wanting to speak but unsure of what to say. "I'm leaving," I say.
Joe shakes his head. "What do you mean?" he asks, clearly confused.
"Well, I may be leaving. I'm going to try to leave, but something may go wrong, and then it will be bad, and you'll need to take care of Olivia," I nervously spill out.
Joe's jaw drops a bit. He thinks I'm losing it. I collect myself and try to slow down and explain it better. I move closer to him and place my hand on his knee. I look into his eyes in hopes that he'll see I'm telling the truth.
"Joe?almost a year ago I woke up...and I wasn't in my life," I slowly begin.
"Oh, seriously!" he exclaims, jumping up to a stand. "Are we going to get into this crap? Jenni, we're already divorced!" He looks at me angrily, then turns away.
I shake my head. "No, no, that's not what I'm trying to explain," I reply. "Please, Joe, let me finish," I plead.
A moment later, he hesitantly turns around. I can tell that he doesn't want to stay, but will hear me out. He takes a drink of the beer and sits back down. I decide to try a different approach.
"The day that I passed out, I was in shock because I woke up next to you. But the night before I was somewhere else. I came from a life where I was remarried and had another daughter and Olivia was older. I was also in the year 2013," I confess.
"OK, now you are really freaking me out," he interrupts, looking nervous. "Are you on drugs?" he asks, intently searching my face with his eyes.
"Damn it, please listen!" I shout, clenching my fists and holding back tears of frustration.
Joe notices my hands are trembling. "OK," he reluctantly complies. He believes he needs to keep me calm. He's afraid I'm having some sort of episode again.
I now realize I can't tell him anything more. He isn't going to believe me anyway. I don't know how to change this up so that he gets it. I hang my head in my hands. I'm slightly bouncing my legs while trying to think of a solution, and now wishing I hadn't said anything at all.
"I need you to go with me somewhere," I say quickly.
He shakes his head. "Jen, I don't think that's a good idea. I think we should stay here until you're calm," he states firmly, but clearly worried.
"No. Please listen. It won't take long. It will help me explain this better," I beg him again.
He sits quietly for a moment, contemplating my request. Then he nods in agreement. "OK, but I'm driving."
I hurry to his truck and wait for him, but he's slow to get in. I know he's trying to make sense of my behavior, but he won't be able to. Nothing about this situation is logical.
When he finally gets in the truck, I give him directions on where to go. On the drive, he keeps asking where I'm taking him, but I just reply with, "you'll see."
It only takes ten minutes until we pull into Astrid's driveway. Before I even knock, she opens the door. I'm about to give her an explanation, but she raises her hand up to stop me and looks past me at Joe, who hesitates behind me.
"You must be Joe," she says warmly. I now realize she knew we were coming. "Come in, please," she says politely. She catches my eyes with hers and reassuringly smiles.
"Thank you," he says and follows her inside. After walking in, he looks around the room to take in his surroundings. I can tell he's feeling out of place and wants an explanation, when he looks back at me with questioning eyes.
Astrid gestures for us to sit down in the living room. She sits across from us silently. She closes her eyes for a minute and takes a deep breath. Joe watches her in bewilderment. I know she's visualizing. A moment later she opens her eyes and smiles at Joe. I can see his body relax a bit. Astrid has a way of calming a space. I'm confident that I made the right decision bringing him here.
"Joe, would you like to come with me for a moment?" she asks.
He looks at me. "It's OK," I assure him.
He lets out a lightly stubborn sigh and follows Astrid into her reading room down the hall. I remain still and struggle to hear what they're saying. Unfortunately for me, her window air conditioner is drowning out their voices, so I opt to sit in silence and pick at my nail polish. After an hour I decide to go to the kitchen and get a glass of water. I take my time getting the glass, ice cubes and then water from the tap. I stare out her back door and admire Astrid's lavish garden. She has no shortage of talents.
As I return to the living room, Joe enters at the same time. His shoulders are slightly slouched. He looks exhausted, confused and stunned, all at once. Astrid follows in behind him. She and I make brief eye contact before she gives me a nod, indicating that he'll listen now.
"I'll leave you two alone," she says, as she heads toward the kitchen. Moments later I hear the back door of her house shut.
I sit down on the couch again. Joe seems as if he's still trying to comprehend what just took place with Astrid. He finally slumps his thin frame into the armchair and rubs his dark hair for a moment, as if trying to sooth his brain.
After a few minutes he looks up at me. "OK, tell me," he says defeated.
For the next hour I carefully tell Joe my story. He listens intently as I describe waking up and finding myself with him and Olivia and apart from my life and family that were eight years in the future. I tell him I thought I was crazy and even went to see my therapist, but that she wasn't helpful. How I searched for Michael and found nothing. I divulge that I decided to see Astrid when I got desperate, and how she and John believed me and tried to help. And finally, I tell him that the day I passed out at work was the day I met Michael again, and what took place after seeing him.
I tell him how I couldn't remember everything about my other life until John came back with the tapes and I heard my sessions. And once that happened, my memory was fully restored, and so were my emotional ties. I promise him that I was never unfaithful before we broke up. I explain that I tried to make our life work, but I didn't feel it was right. I assure him the only reason I was quick to end it with him was because of Astrid. She knew that he had another life and a true love out there too. She didn't feel it was right to prevent him from getting that, even if I didn't.
When finished, I sit quietly and allow him to digest everything I've just told him. Joe's been gracious enough to listen without interrupting me, I at least owe him the courtesy of getting a chance to think before he responds. Joe's eyes look up and meet mine. "She was right," he says, his voice breaking.
My eyes get wide. "She was?" I curiously ask.
Joe gets a slight smile on his face. There's something he isn't telling me. He moves from the armchair and sits next to me. He's nervous, but grinning.
"I believe you," he admits. "I believe you because she knew something that no one else knows."
I look at him inquisitively. His smile widens. "Jen, I'm in love," he reveals.
I laugh with relief. "Oh, Joe," I say, gently touching the side of his face. "That's wonderful."
"There's more," he says, meeting my eyes. He takes a minute to tell me. "She's pregnant," he nervously replies. I'm stunned and begin to cry. Joe quickly moves in to console me, thinking I'm upset.
"No, Joe, I'm happy for you," I gratefully cry. I take a deep breath and wipe my tears away. "Can I just ask you a question?" I request through sniffles. Joe nods.
"Who the hell is this girl?" I say laughing again, and wiping away tears. He looks down and laughs shyly.
"Oh, uh?.it's Rachel," he apprehensively admits. Without thinking I dive and hug him. I'm holding him so tight that he's almost falling over.
"Whoa, whoa!" he says bracing himself. "You're not mad?" he asks, surprised by my reaction. I look at him for a minute and study his face. He is also so young and innocent in this situation. Joe isn't a bad or spiteful person. He's just another human being trying to survive and be happy in this game of life. He deserves this happiness and he deserves me being happy for him.
"Absolutely not," I reply.
CHAPTER 84
After leaving Astrid's, we head out to Joe's parents' to pick up Olivia. On the way he has several more questions about the past year. I obligingly tell him anything he wants to know. Now that the weight of our past relationship and the roles we played in each other's lives are no longer in the way, I feel that I can finally let go. Joe has been put on the same playing field that I've been alone on for so long.
Joe admits he thought I was losing my mind earlier. He explains that he was extremely doubtful of Astrid's ability until she told him she knew he was in love with a girl with the initial "R" and that she saw him holding a new baby. There were also other details about their relationship that she couldn't have known or guessed. He said it was like his mind flipped upside down, along with the rest of his world. He suddenly saw everything differently. He was frightened, but reassured at the same time. I'm grateful he's accepted this situation so quickly and believes me now.
Astrid let us leave with John's videotape of Jesus. She knew I would want to show it to Joe to explain that I wasn't the only one with this experience. She invited him to come on Sunday as well, but he still doesn't fully understand what that will entail. I'll have to explain that later when the time is right.
As we make our way through the winding hillside streets, I sit back and roll down the window. I close my eyes and let the evening summer air tousle my hair, while the setting sun caresses my skin with its last few warm rays.
Joe makes the pick-up with Olivia quick and I wait in the car. On the way back to the house, Olivia is happy to see us getting along again, so much that he begs Joe to stay the night. He agrees, as he still has a pair of clothes at the house and I don't mind. We share the moment as a family, singing along to the radio while making our way to a home that won't be mine much longer. There's truly no animosity or strings attached. Joe is in love and going to be a dad again. I'm reconnected with Michael and soon will be on a journey back to my other life. This is not something normally celebrated, but in our unconventional way we're doing just that.
"Will Rachel be OK with you staying over?" I ask.
"Trust me, she knows that I'm very committed to her," he assures me with a smile.
I think about how strange it is that this isn't weird for me. When I look at Joe, I don't see my ex-husband, or feel any romantic ties. I see Olivia's dad and the familiar face of an old friend. I have respect for the life that he gets to live with Rachel and only hope that it's as full of love as Michael's and mine was, and hopefully will continue to be.
After Olivia goes to bed, Joe and I grab a couple of beers from the fridge and head out to the back patio. The night is cool, but tolerable. The sun has
set and I can only make out the silhouettes of the mountains in the distance. It reminds me of the night we had our anniversary barbecue. That feels like decades ago now.
"What are we like, in your other life?" Joe asks me out of the blue.
I gulp down my mouth full of ale and sit quietly for a moment, thinking of how to respond. The truth is sad. We don't really speak. We mostly communicate through his parents, and sometimes Rachel sends me an email to coordinate visits with Olivia, but other than that our contact is minimal.
"Well, we don't really talk," I answer truthfully.
"We don't? Why?" he asks, surprised by my reply.
I shrug. "You know, I honestly don't remember," I chuckle. "I guess we just put up walls so thick and high between us that we didn't see the point of breaking through them."
"Hmmm. Well, I hope that changes," he says, then takes another swig of beer. I feel a pang of sadness. I now see what we could have been had we taken a more mature approach to our split from the beginning. Olivia wouldn't have been caught in the middle, and we may have been some kind of family unit like we are now. It won't be the same between us if I return, and that's disheartening. If I do get back, none of this will have ever happened. This will just be a memory that no one else but me will recall. I wonder if I'll feel the same way I did as when I arrived here-lost and out of place.