I explain this to John and Astrid but other than letting me hear this first session to prove it worked, they insist on keeping what I reveal in my sessions from me for the time being. They believe that will be more helpful in figuring out what may have happened to me.
John shares that he has never actually met a person who was having memories of their future. But he does say it's something similar to time travel, without the experience of actually moving about space and time. It appears that I might be recollecting my future, not moving back and forth from it. All of this information is very science fiction-like to me, so it just confuses me more.
He also shares his theory on how destiny is just a series of opportunities. Destiny leads you to the opportunity, but we as humans make choices to accept or deny those opportunities and therefore we may change our fate in the process. According to him, life will continue to provide predestined opportunities. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense at the time, but it does strangely provide me some comfort. It also might explain why Nancy is alive in my future life, but not in this one. If this is true, then fate is a fickle little creature.
John is heading back to Washington the next day, with plans to return the following week and meet again for a number of sessions. He requests that I journal as many specific memories of my life in the future as I can, but not reread them. He will then use my journal to guide me through the hypnosis sessions and see if I reveal more detail.
I appreciate the interest and the insight, but the session doesn't give me any concrete answers, like how do I get back? Will I ever get there again? Does Michael really exist? Will Stella? Are my memories from the past, the future or another life entirely? Or am I having a deja vu that refuses to end? I just want answers, plain and simple. I need to know which life I'm supposed to live.
CHAPTER 28
In the weeks that follow my first hypnosis session, life and work are getting more bearable. Stacy and I are becoming fast friends, just as we did before. Joe and I are getting along well and I'm managing my duties as a mom to Olivia, as I normally would. I tend to let her preoccupy my time to avoid being alone with Joe, even though my guilt from the night of our anniversary is dissipating as time goes on.
We've succeeded at falling into a routine of sorts. This makes it easier for me to be in this body at this time. Sometimes I watch nature shows with Joe, or he sits through what he believes are new episodes of my favorite television medical drama, even though I'm sure I've seen them before. It's small incidences like this that confuse and distress me. Why do I know the outcomes of television shows, yet I can no longer recall Michael's and my anniversary date?
I see my parents more frequently. Now that fall is here and the days are shorter it's too dark and cold to have family barbecues outside, so we try to go to their houses for dinner regularly. Mary has grown on me and I appreciate how she cares for my dad, though I often think about Nancy and wonder if I ever got the chance to say goodbye.
I continue to do as John requests in between our sporadic sessions. I journal during lunch breaks and whenever I have any sort of memory of my other life, though I've noticed that some of my memories are slipping away. It's almost like when you wake up from a vivid dream. You remember it so clearly at first, but later in the day it wears off and the details are less clear.
I try to visit with John at least every three weeks and the sessions are always more in depth each time. I've kept my agreement with him that I would not review my journal entries nor inquire about what I reveal in the sessions. He wants to compare his session recordings with my journal entries to see the similarities. I was opposed to the agreement at first, but later gave in-as the passion I once had to find the truth is starting to dwindle.
Astrid usually joins in the sessions to show support, but I know she is mostly intrigued by the process. She's been helpful to me by providing guidance for managing my current life with less emotional turmoil. She still believes my story, even if I'm starting to question it myself. She is the only person who I'm sure doesn't judge me. Unfortunately, her psychic abilities for my life are also blurry at the moment, so she can't tell me if Michael even exists or will be in my future anymore. This psychic block aggravates her, as she's never experienced it before.
I sleep better through the night now and even find that I'm dreaming of Joe and Olivia. Sometimes I see a familiar figure in my dreams and I'm certain it's Michael, but his face isn't really there.
Every once in a while when Olivia speaks I think that it's Stella's voice that I hear, but I no longer feel the same pull in my gut like I used to. I often wonder if this is my body's survival instinct kicking in so that I won't go crazy or fall into a depression. Or maybe it's my way of learning to let them go.
CHAPTER 29
"Happy New Year!" we all say in unison, before clinking our glasses and hugging each other. We're spending the holiday with our old friends?well, to me they're old friends?and our parents at our house. We made a big buffet of food, desserts and drinks and sang along with a rented karaoke machine. I have to admit, it's been one of the most fun nights I've had in years.
The Christmas holiday was easier than I expected it would be. I focused on making Christmas special for little Olivia and surrounding myself with friends and family. However, there were times that I could feel something was missing, and there was always a light undercurrent of sadness flowing through me.
I'm recently finding my desire to journal is waning, and I'm doing it less and less. There are now significant gaps in my memories and I'm no longer as motivated to remember things as I was before. I wonder at times if it's because I'm preoccupied with my new life.
Work is improving and I'm enjoying it more. I have a social outlet in the Marketing department, even if I'm not really part of it. Steve has even given me a few cross-over projects when I've had down time in Operations, and he seems impressed by my performance.
Joe and I are getting along well too. I still don't have the desire to be intimate with him and have managed to avoid any contact since that one time on our anniversary. It's been tricky to do so, though, and has created a few arguments. Lucky for me he hasn't caught on that I have claimed to have had my period approximately eight times in the last four months. I also tend to wait for him to go to bed first to ensure he is sound asleep by the time I crawl into bed. Though sometimes I let him cuddle with me, just to experience the comfort of some kind of affection-but I never naturally gravitate to him.
Even though I can no longer see the man from my future as clearly in my mind, or remember details of our life together as often or as vividly, I'm very aware I still have a place for him in my heart and soul. I can feel it. And I've decided that I will not cross any lines with Joe until that feeling goes away completely.
I'm seeing my other child's face less and less in Olivia's. The two are sort of morphing into the same person. I wonder if that other little girl really exists at all. What if I just had some crazy beautiful dream when I left Joe and the panic attacks started? What if I really did make up some alternate reality to escape from a life I didn't want with him? These questions often cross my mind, but now that I'm more stable in my current life I don't feel the need to explore them as much as I did before. Maybe that's a good thing-maybe it's for the best.
CHAPTER 30
The Kiss
The sunset shines upon us as we walk to Stacy's house to get a propane tank for the barbecue we're having at my mom's while she's out of town. Stacy recently rented a house two blocks away from my mom's, which now makes it convenient to visit them both. Since I'm house-sitting alone, Michael decided to stay and spend the last few days of his trip there with me. It's a bittersweet weekend for me. I'm grateful to be spending this precious time I have left with Michael, but I'm dreading Sunday when he has to leave.
In unison, we step off the sidewalk to cross the quiet suburban street. Michael slips his hand into mine and I enjoy the feeling of his cool, dry palm pressed against mine. Our hands fit tog
ether perfectly.
We leisurely make our way to Stacy's back yard, disconnect the tank from her grill and head back out of the gate that connects to the alley. Michael is carrying the heavy tank with both hands while I walk slightly ahead of him, back towards my mom's.
I stop at the corner before crossing the street and look back at him trailing behind with the tank. The rosy orange glow of the setting sun frames Michael's silhouette as he continues towards me. As Michael approaches, he sets the tank down and takes a breath. I'm pleasantly surprised when he gently pulls me in close and kisses me softly. This was always meant to be.
CHAPTER 31
I sit upright on Astrid's couch. I'm suddenly feeling tired and unsettled. John leans back in the chair next to the couch. His legs are crossed with his notepad perched on his knee. My journal is sprawled open on the table beside his chair. The room is quiet, with the exception of the crackling fire and the ticking clock. Astrid is sitting at the end of the couch. No one's speaking. There's an awkwardness hanging in the air.
"What?" I ask them, confused by their expressions.
"First, I'd like to say, that it seems you really, truly love this man." Astrid carefully states. John nods in agreement.
"But, Jennifer," she continues, "Over the past few months I?we?have seen your intensity to find the truth diminish. Initially you were so certain of your future life, and I could feel it from you. I occasionally even had visions of the memories you told me about. But they are gone," she says, now appearing concerned.
"What do you think that means?" I ask, as a sense of foreboding gnaws at the pit of my stomach.
John sifts through his book slowly and taps his pencil on the corner of a page while thinking. I can tell he is trying to find the right words.
"We are starting to think that your soul is settling into this current life. Astrid and I have discussed this at length and we don't sense in you the same emotional or physical attachment to this future or other life that we sensed when we first met you," he says.
He reaches for my journal and flips through it quickly. "Your entries are becoming shorter, with less detail. They're almost sloppy and forced-as if it's a homework assignment that you don't want to do. Yet when I put you under hypnosis your tone is extremely different and we hear the emotional attachment again," he explains.
Astrid sits up and puts her hand on my knee. "Jen, we could go on and on and listen to your recollections of whatever your future was-or maybe it's a parallel life or something that could have happened if you had taken a different path-but we aren't sure this is serving you well."
I'm beginning to get angry, but I don't know why. I'm frustrated by what I'm hearing. I've been telling them all of these memories when I'm in an alternate state, but they won't let me know what these memories are in order to avoid "contaminating the purity of thought," as John likes to put it. I understand his reasoning, but I'm annoyed that I am not allowed to hear what they are. Maybe if I did, it would bring something back!
"So now what? What are you saying?" I demand, feeling a mix of panic and anger. Astrid sits up more straightly, faces me and takes my hand into hers.
"Jennifer I don't know how this is helping you. I cannot see how you will get back to this other place. I used to see glimpses of your and Michael's life together. I could see a wedding day, I could see the birth of a child, but the visions have stopped," she says as tears start to pool in the bottom of her grey eyes. My body begins to tremble with nerves.
"Jennifer, this has been so fascinating," John begins sympathetically. "I have never come across someone seeing a future that was only within years of their current life and providing such detail, even things that are revealing themselves in your community without you having any way of knowing about them. I could go on and on listening to you, but this would only be selfish of me. I have no ideas about how to get you back to that life, or if I could, what the risks might be," he finishes, soundly slightly frustrated with himself.
"So, you are just giving up on me?" I fearfully ask. The panic is now in my voice, and rising. "You just want me to stay here, in this life, and not ever see them again?" I stand up and shout at them. "I can't let this go. I can't let them go! I need to get back to them. You have figure out a way!"
"Jennifer, I can't see you with anyone anymore!" Astrid says abruptly.
Her firm words are a stunning blow. I'm frozen where I stand, and unable to find the words to disagree. It feels like I'm disconnecting from something I was firmly attached to. My other loved ones are slipping even further away from me. And the ones I'm with now may be better off without me. The realization of the situation slashes, burns and leaves me without air. Where do I belong?
"Jennifer, I'm so sorry. Something has changed over the last few weeks. It seemed to be with the turn of the new year. I used to see who I believe was Michael, but then I also saw you and Joe. I also saw the birth of a child. It's all so choppy and hard to make sense of, but it's what I'm envisioning. I don't even know who is with who, in what time or why. I wish there was something I could do. And lately?.I see you alone," she remorsefully explains.
Astrid stands up, and slowly walks over to me. Cautiously, she begins to rub my back, before wrapping her arm around me. I surrender. There's nothing she can do. There is nothing anyone can do.
I draw in a breath that almost chokes me, then cover my eyes with my hands and begin to sob. Astrid guides me down to the couch and lightly strokes my hair while I cry. I know she's telling the truth. She has nothing to gain by lying. And I now know that I have to prepare myself to move on.
CHAPTER 32
The rain is coming down harder as I drive back home from Astrid's. The sky is fully dark. Car headlights, brake lights and traffic lights are blinding me as I struggle to peer through the water streaming down the windshield, my vision further blurred by my tears.
I drive in silence, unable to think. I can only feel the raw emptiness of everything being taken away from me, yet my body is fighting to hang on. I'm hurting everywhere. My cell rings from inside my purse. I know it's Joe, but I don't want to talk to him. Instead, I slowly make my way back to the house. What's the rush? I will most likely be with him for the rest of this life.
I pull in the driveway and step out of the car into the pouring rain, without even bothering to put on my coat or use an umbrella on my walk to the house.
"Mommy!" Olivia shouts, and runs to me for a hug as I come dripping through the front door. I force a smile and give her a light hug.
"Hey, babe," Joe calls out from the kitchen.
"Hey," I say numbly.
Joe comes around the corner and looks surprised by my drenched state. "You OK?" he asks, with questioning eyes.
I shrug as I slip off my soaked shoes and drop my purse to the floor. Olivia goes back to her cartoons without mentioning the water that has collected on her arms and shirt from hugging me.
"Don't you have a coat or something?" Joe asks.
"I forgot to put it on," I reply flatly.
"OK. Well, go dry off. Dinner is almost ready," he says, heading back to the kitchen.
"I'm not really hungry," I reply. "I am just going to shower and lie down."
Joe turns around with a concerned look on his face and walks back to me. I can't meet his eyes, so I keep looking down. He lightly takes my hand that's hanging down by my side and tucks his finger under my chin, gently lifting my face to meet his gaze.
"What's wrong? You have a bad day?" he asks tenderly, his face full of concern.
I look into his eyes and take a deep breath. This is my husband. This life exists because of a choice I made that changed my fate at some point. I have Olivia, I have my family and friends, and I have a man who apparently loves me-even if I don't feel the way for him that I felt for someone else who may not exist. But maybe someday I will.
CHAPTER 33
After my last session with Astrid and John, I grieved privately. I spent time reading my journal,
hoping to make sense of what I thought was my life before this. After lying in bed for a full weekend faking an ailment, I decided enough was enough and chose to start over the following week.
I have since been occupying my time with work and going to the gym. Every time I start to feel a bit of anxiety, thirty minutes on the treadmill shakes it off. I must be having a lot of anxiety, because I've lost five pounds and my body is taking on a sculpted tone it hasn't had since I was in my early twenties-the first time. The new strength in my body seems to be feeding my mental strength as well, and I have come to depend on it.
Work has been busy with preparations for a large trade show the Marketing department is attending. When Operations is slow, I help Marketing put together promotional packets and booth supplies. Steve has taken notice of my ability to pitch in where needed and has mentioned stealing me from Ruth. Even if he's just joking, I hold out hope there's some truth behind his words.
Olivia is thriving at school and home. She's just started learning how to read. I can't recall her picking it up so easily the first time around. I attribute this to her preschool and am pleased that Joe and I made the decision to send her there.