A month later, I texted Lance.
Me: I’m taking Milo to MIT in three weeks if you want to join.
Lance: I’m slammed at work. I’m so sorry. But we need to talk before he leaves. I’d like us to have a family dinner on Sunday. Can we do that?
Me: Sure, just let me know when and where and we’ll be there.
Lance: Sounds good. I’ll keep you posted.
It’s amazing what a positive effect divorce can have on a couple’s ability to communicate clearly.
I texted Kiki and my mom next.
Me: We’re having a small party for Milo before we take him to MIT. I’ll keep you posted.
A minute later, Kiki was calling. “Hello?” I said.
“Penny. I need to tell you something.”
“What? Spit it out.”
“I told Douche-face—”
“No more names, Keeks; that’s Milo’s dad.”
“Listen, I promised I would let him tell you, but I don’t want you to be shocked.”
“What?!” I shouted impatiently.
“He was going to tell you and Milo over dinner. He has a girlfriend. I ran into them at the movies.”
“Really?” I said quietly.
“Yes, a doctor. She’s one of his clients.”
“Is she pretty?”
Kiki paused for too long. “Never mind,” I said. “Good for him.”
“I’m sorry, Penny. I told him to just tell you over the phone, that you don’t like being put into uncomfortable situations.”
“You’re right, Keeks; thank you. I’m going to call him now.”
“Don’t tell him—”
“It doesn’t matter anymore anyway.”
I called him and told him I knew, and that the family dinner was unnecessary. He seemed relieved that he didn’t have to tell me himself. He also admitted that it was early, but that he had known her for a while. I held it together. And then I called my mom.
“Mom,” I said. Suddenly, I was crying.
She came straight over. I told her about Gavin getting married and Lance’s new girlfriend.
Hugging and rocking me from side to side, she said, “Life will change and change again. You just have to find a port in this storm. It doesn’t have to be another person, Penny. Find something just for you.”
Weeks later, I texted Gavin that I’d dropped Milo off at MIT. Instead of responding to me, he called Milo directly.
I CAME BACK from Boston to Fort Collins to an eerily quiet house—and a package on my doorstep. Inside was a set of keys and a letter. I recognized Gavin’s handwriting immediately.
Dear Penny,
This felt too personal for texting. Inside, you’ll find a birth announcement. Elodie Adela Berninger came into this world screaming bloody murder, but thankfully she was a perfectly healthy eight pounds four ounces. She’s beautiful, Penny. I wanted you to be her godmother but Briel fought me on it until I finally gave up. I’m sorry. In my heart you’re her godmother—please know that.
The keys belong to the four retail spaces located in the strip mall where your old ballet studio was. I bought the building and added your name next to mine on the deed. I had a hefty chunk of cash after selling the garage, and I needed to reinvest it.
If you wouldn’t mind helping me manage the property, it’s all yours, rent-free. Fort Collins will be lucky to have you teaching dance to their daughters.
I’m sorry I’ve been distant. Things have been rough here. Let’s talk soon.
Love, Gavin
39. Five Months After That
PENNY
Lance said he’d never get married again, but he said nothing about not having more kids. Deanna, his doctor girlfriend, was pregnant. I guess it was me all those years who couldn’t conceive. I congratulated them. I didn’t care anymore.
My dance studio was up and running. I put every ounce of energy I had into it. All my classes filled up so fast that I had to hire another teacher and a receptionist to help me run it. I talked to Gavin only when it concerned the building—just short, businesslike texts. Otherwise, I was left to fantasize about our last night together. I had accepted that he had moved on, and I was moving on, in my own way. Milo was doing wonderfully at school, my mother was dating a man from the lab, Kiki and Ling maintained their fierce independence, and I was . . . content. I got so much joy out of teaching—more than I thought I ever would.
But after a late night in the studio, I got a text from Gavin.
Gavin: I need you, P. Call me.
I called him immediately.
“Hello,” he said.
“Hi.”
“God, it’s good to hear your voice.”
“What’s going on? Where are you?”
“I just left our apartment to take Elodie for a walk. I’m so miserable, P.”
“I’m so sorry.” But my tone was curt. My compassion for him was dwindling. He’d made his bed—now he needed to lie in it.
“Everything she does bugs me, even the way she says my name.”
“I’m fine, too, by the way; Lance and his girlfriend are having a baby.”
“Did you hear me? I said I’m miserable. I don’t know what to do.”
I could feel myself boiling over. “I’m sorry, Gavin. I’m sorry you got Briel pregnant and now you’re stuck in France.”
“Elodie is the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he said defensively.
“Wonderful! Then why are you complaining?”
“Because I’m not in love with Briel, and having a child with someone you don’t love is hard.”
“Preaching to the fucking choir.”
“Jesus, what’s your problem?”
“I’ve just run out of solutions for you, and I can’t bear to hear you talk about Briel that way. Leave her if you don’t love her. You have options.”
“No, I don’t. You don’t understand.”
“Fine, then buck up. Be a father, be a husband. Life will change, Gavin, and then it will change again. Stop acting like your life is over.”
“I can’t talk to you anymore.”
I took a deep breath. “Look, I’m so grateful to you for this studio. It saved me. But not having you in my life has been hard on me. You don’t seem to mention that it’s hard on you. All you talk about is how you don’t get along with Briel.”
“God, Penny, are you that dense?”
“Are you insulting me?”
“I don’t get along with Briel because all I do is compare her to you.”
I had no fight left in me. “But here we are, you and me, on opposite sides of the world.”
He didn’t respond.
“I hired an office manager.” I said. “I’ll text you her number. She’s going to take over managing the strip mall properties. I’m gonna go, Gavin. I’m tired.”
“I still love you, you know.”
“I know,” I said before hanging up.
40. Three Years Later
GAVIN
Peering through the floor-to-ceiling windows of the dance studio, I held my daughter’s hand and watched Penny dance like I had when I first met her.
“That’s her, Elodie. The most beautiful woman in the room. Do you see? Do you see the way she moves?”
“I do, Daddy. She’s a very pretty dancer.”
When Penny’s routine ended and she excused her class, I led Elodie into the room. Penny and I hadn’t spoken in three years. We needed space from each other. And watching her now, I knew I had made the right decision to stay away. She was vibrant and healthy looking. Her hair was up, and I noticed from across the room that she had a new tattoo on the back of her neck.
She still hadn’t spotted us.
“Nice tights, Teach.”
She spun around so quickly it made me dizzy. Those lips, those chocolatey eyes. “What the—” she started.
“This is Elodie. She wants to be a dancer.” I shrugged. “I have no idea why.”
Penny came toward us, ankles cracking and
popping. I smiled at the familiar sound. She bent in front of Elodie and stuck her hand out. “I’m Penny.”
“I know. My daddy shows me videos of you dancing.”
“Does he?” she whispered. Her eyes misted over as she shook Elodie’s hand.
“Why are you crying?” Elodie said.
“Because I’m happy to meet you. These are happy tears.” They shook hands and then Penny stood, wiping the tears from her face, and stared at me. A small smile played on her lips.
“You here for a visit?”
I laughed. “I’m not fucking around this time.”
“Daddy!” Elodie admonished.
“Sorry, baby girl. Elodie wants to take lessons here. We’re moving back into my dad’s house next Tuesday.”
She stood there, blinking. “You and Elodie and . . . ?”
“Nope, just me and this little Tater Tot.” I lowered my voice. “Briel wasn’t cut out for it. Her band’s second album hit it pretty big.”
“I heard that.”
“She was on the road a lot. I told her I didn’t belong in Paris, raising our daughter alone.”
“And . . .”
“She understood.”
We spoke quietly, almost in code. She glanced down at Elodie and said, “But won’t Briel—”
I shook my head. “Like I said, she wasn’t cut out for it. Elodie, baby, go dance in front of the mirror. It’s all yours.”
Penny pressed a button on a remote and music came on. “That’s it. Good girl,” Penny said as Elodie danced around freely.
Now we had a little privacy. Penny leaned up on her toes, wrapped her arms around my neck, and whispered, “I’m going to hate-kiss you now for not talking to me for three years.” I laughed but she stopped me with the kiss. I didn’t feel hate in it at all.
When she pulled away, I said, “But you didn’t talk to me, either.”
“Fine, I take it back. Now close your eyes.” I did and we kissed again. I placed her hand on my heart. We were back in the psychology room so many years ago, but this time we had a whole life shared between us. “Don’t open your eyes,” she said when she stepped away. “Now tell us, Gavin, what did you feel?”
“Love. What about you, Penny?”
“I felt everything.”
“Yes, everything,” I agreed.
“Now open your eyes.”
When I did, she was staring at me curiously.
“Hi, beauty,” I said.
“Hi.”
Epilogue
Please write a little note to Penny and Gavin on their beautiful day . . .
To the bride and groom:
Even though you guys watched that video later, I don’t think either one of you saw what we saw in the psychology room all those years ago. There was something we couldn’t capture on film. Something we could all feel. You both know I’m not into that cheesy crap so it takes a lot for me to say this but . . . you two were made for each other. Love you and congrats!
—Ling
PS. Thanks for throwing the bouquet right at me and basically forcing me to catch it. Not funny.
To the bride and groom:
I like seeing you guys this happy. I hope someday I get to marry my best friend.
I’m lucky I get to have you as a stepdad, Gavin.
Love you guys.
Milo
To the bride and groom:
We all knew there was something there. I can’t believe you both fought it for so long. I already feel like Elodie is my new grandbaby. Thank you, Gavin, for always, always being such a wonderful addition to our family. And thank you for breathing new life into it.
Love, Mom (Anne)
To the bride and groom:
You know how I feel about marriage, except maybe for you guys. This all finally makes sense now. Took you two long enough. Honestly, though, I’ve never seen the two of you so happy. You might make a believer out of me after all.
Congratulations!
Love, Keeks
To the bride and groom:
Gavin, I’m sorry I’ve missed so much. I hope to be a bigger part of your life. You married a lovely woman. I’m proud of you.
Love, Mom
P,
It’s kind of pathetic but I would have waited forever for you. There’s no other woman for me. There never has been. Will you wear those black tights again? I love you in those tights. Thanks for helping me raise Elodie. She’s lucky to have you. I’m lucky to have you.
I love you more than Charlize.
G
Gavin,
Funny. I’m telling Charlize you said that. Listen, though . . . I know you don’t like being serious but I wanted to tell you something: I don’t think we’re exploding stars at all. I think we’re constants. I know because I’ve always loved you. And because you’re different now. It’s like your spirit has calmed. I see you on the porch playing guitar and I know you’re finally content. I don’t want to look back at the time when we weren’t a couple and have regrets. I have a lifetime of wonderful, beautiful memories with you. This is just the next chapter in our story.
All my love,
Penny
Acknowledgments
I wrote this book a while back, and now I’m finally writing the acknowledgments after many months have gone by. Every time I go back through a book I remember the very small moments in my life that inspired whole scenes. Sometimes it’s just a second, or a deep breath, or a sun flare on a photo, or words spoken to me by someone I love, or seeing someone’s eyes well up with tears just because I’m crying. A scene will come to me and I’ll think to myself, I’m so lucky I get to do this for my job, even though it’s not always easy.
I wrote this book for my friends who have stuck around. I wrote it for myself, too. And of course I wrote it for the readers, the lovers, the dreamers, and if you’re reading this now, I wrote it for you. Thank you for keeping me writing. It’s my happy place.
Thank you to Allison Hunter, my agent, for taking me on, and actually liking the first draft, and also for a bunch of other awesome things you do.
Tara, you inspire me. Keep sending the music recs. Rodrigo, thank you for the always amazing covers. YA YAs, always pushing me to be better, love you. John Snow Cash, please never stop sitting at my feet while I write. Whitney, what the hell would I do without you?
To my mom, dad, brother, sister, mother-in-law, and their families, thank you for sharing my books with your friends and family, and for your love and pride.
To this author and blogger community, I am so lucky to know so many of you. To Judith, Loan, Milena, and the Atria crew, thank you so much!
Jhanteigh, when I saw you last in New York and you came into the restaurant so jazzed, it put a huge smile on my face. You’re a character. Keep laughing; it’s contagious. Thank you as always for believing in me, trusting me as a writer, and for all your hard work on my books.
Ang, took a while to get a dedication, I know, but to me this book was more about friendship and trust than any other I’ve written. Thank you for being my best friend.
Sam, you amaze me. You’re such a hard worker and so determined. Whenever I decide to let you read this book, you’ll know by then that I couldn’t care less about MIT. Your kindness and happiness is my biggest pride.
Tony, you are truly an original with the biggest heart, most clever one-liners, and great humor. I’m proud of your progress this year. You’re still a messy eater, though. I hope that improves by the time you’re an adult.
Anthony, our love tree still blooms every year, and your coffee-making skills have improved from year to year as well. Thank you for all you do for all of us.
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About the Author
RENÉE CARLINO is a screenwriter and the nationally bestselling author of Sweet Thing, Nowhere but Here, After the Rain, Before We Were Strangers, Swear on This Life, and Wish You Were Here. She grew up in Southern California and lives in the San Diego area with her husband and two sons. To learn more, visit ReneeCarlino.com.
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