“Fine.” We sat side by side on the cold porch steps. The only light came from the TV inside; even the moon was nowhere to be found. “I think you need to fill me in on some things. Like, how you’re going to inherit this house, and live on the same street as me.”
“I’m not. This isn’t my speed. You know that. I’ll sell it once he passes.” Oddly enough, that hurt my feelings. Was it my speed?
“There are still tattoo artists in Fort Collins, Gavin.”
“You know what I mean. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m down, way down. I feel lost. I was driving the other day and had a weird impulse to floor my car and drive off an on-ramp.”
This was normal Gavin talk. He was always being dramatic. But this time I felt like he had good cause. “Why is it okay for me to live here, but not you?”
“Did you hear me? I said I was going to drive off an on-ramp. Anyway, are you really going to do this to me right now? You really want to know why I can’t live here? Because you have a kid and a husband, and I have no one. Not even a dog. You want to hire me to mow your lawn or some shit, or walk Buckley, or hang out with Milo while you go to five-star dinners with your husband?”
“Are you trying to hurt me now?”
“No, you’re trying to hurt me by making me face these truths right now. Penny, you and I are not the same. Our lives are vastly different. I feel like I ruined mine. I’m lonely as fuck and my dad is going to die in this house, and I’ll be the only one here for him. This is why I told you to have another kid. Milo will be it. It will all be on him. I know how it feels.”
He was hitting below the belt now. “You know I tried to get pregnant again.”
“Did you?”
I stood up to leave.
“Wait. I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair.”
“No, it wasn’t, and by the way, I will be here for you. Me!” I pointed to my chest hard. “As always, Gavin. Maybe you can even order a hot nurse when your time comes.”
“Not funny, Penny.”
I smiled. He could see my face in the TV light, and I could see a small smile playing on his lips, too. “It’s a little funny,” I said. We were the only people we could be this way with.
He shook his head. “I’ll walk you home.”
“No, I’ll be fine. You’ll hear my ankles crack all the way down the street.”
“Fine. Bye.”
“Bye,” I said. When I got to the bottom of the steps, he jumped and landed beside me, grabbing my hand at the same time.
Pulling me along, he said in his typical fast-talking way, “I’m walking you home so shut up. You’re a sitting duck with those noisy ankles. There’s wild animals around here, like Tanya Fairmore in that blue house and Barrette Kiels next door to her.”
“We do have some weirdoes on this street.”
“That’s why I hate suburbia. We’re safer in the ’hood. There’s a nurse coming on Saturday. I doubt she’ll be hot.” He squeezed my hand. “But at least I’ll have a break. You want to go see The National with me at Red Rocks? I have an extra ticket.”
We were at the front door of my house. “You know I can’t do that. Is it just you going?”
He nodded.
“Ask Mike,” I said.
“Yeah, no, it’s fine. I’ll figure it out.”
“But, God, I would love to see them there,” I said.
“That’s why I bought them, Penny,” Gavin replied.
The door swung open, and the air grew thick with silence. We’d had many uncomfortable moments like this, with me and Gavin on one side of the threshold and my husband on the other. It was like getting caught kissing your boyfriend good night in high school. In this case, my husband was the strict dad who waits up all night. It wasn’t fair to think of him that way, but in moments like these, I couldn’t help it.
“Hi, Gavin. I’m so sorry to hear about your dad.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that, man.” They shook hands.
“So what did you buy for our Penny here?”
I answered for him. “Oh, Gavin has a nurse coming over on Saturday to cover for him, so he asked if I wanted to go see The National at Red Rocks with him.”
My husband frowned. “What’s The National?”
“A band,” I said.
“Oh,” he replied.
We were all standing in the doorway awkwardly. “Milo has that project thing anyway, so I told him I couldn’t go.”
“You can go,” he said. “I’ll work on the project with Milo. Why don’t you come in, Gavin? Have a beer.”
“I gotta get back to my dad.” He pulled the tickets from his back pocket and said, “You know what? You guys take them. Milo can come and hang out with me and Frank . . . and Nurse Betty.” He looked at me and winked.
My husband took the tickets and said, “Fantastic. Thank you, Gavin. We could use a date night.”
I wanted to cry but instead I hugged him and said, “Thank you. Hang in there, buddy.”
He whispered in my ear, “You’ll be thinking about me when you fuck him tonight.”
I pushed him off me. “Stupid,” I said.
“I’m joking, lighten up. You’re starting to act like Jenn.” Milo was calling to my husband from upstairs, so he waved to us dismissively and walked away.
“Don’t do that, Gavin. He already thinks our friendship is weird. Couldn’t you tell he was pissed? And I can’t believe you gave him the tickets. You love The National.”
“He’ll get over it, right? Tell him I whispered you had bad breath or something. He couldn’t hear me. Anyway, I gave him the tickets because you like The National more, and I wanted you to see the show. So there. Don’t say I never do anything nice for you.”
He bent over quickly and kissed my cheek. “See ya, P.”
10. Fourteen Years Ago
GAVIN
She was going to be the death of me.
I stood behind her as she unlocked the door to her parents’ house. “Looks like no one’s home,” she said. “I think my mom took Kiki to some pageant bullshit. My dad must be working late. Come on in.”
“This is your younger sister?” I pointed to a picture on the mantel as we walked through the living room.
“Yep, that’s her.”
“How old is she? Ten going on twenty-nine?”
“I know, it’s ridiculous. My mother dresses her like that and makes her compete in beauty pageants. Kiki seems to like it, but I don’t think she knows any better. Poor kid. She’s sweet, though. Come back to my room.”
Come back to my room? Shit. Why did I tell her we could just be friends? I tried to recall the promises I’d made and wondered how many were reasonable to break.
Penny’s house was a standard three-bedroom postwar suburban home. The décor wasn’t what I would call gaudy, but it was definitely froofy. Kind of like a ten-year-old had been allowed to order anything she wanted from the Sears catalog. Everything had a damn ruffle on it. It didn’t suit my idea of Penny.
When we got to the doorway of her room, I noticed how dramatically different it was from the rest of the house. Her bed was covered in a simple black comforter, and everything projected a modern aesthetic—sharp angles, cold, and minimalist. “Do you live in here with a vampire?”
“Ha-ha, very funny. You can sit there and wait for me.” I sat at her glass desk in an office-style chair as she tossed clothes out of her bag and into a hamper. “Some of this furniture is from my dad’s old office, so it’s pretty sterile.”
“Seems like you have different tastes from the rest of your family. No ruffles and flowers?”
“I like flowers,” she said absently.
“What, like Venus flytraps?”
“If you grew up with all this frilly shit, you’d be over it, too. I mean, do you know any other families who still use doilies? Every surface is literally covered in them.” She grabbed a shirt and jeans and headed for the door. “I’m gonna jump in the shower. I’ll be out in three minutes.”
“Do you need any h
elp?”
“Be out in a jiffy,” she sang as she danced out into the hallway. I waited a beat before getting up.
I snooped, okay? I’m not proud of it. I needed to know more about her. For instance: why was she so stubborn about not dating? Had someone broken her heart? This girl’s room was literally devoid of anything girly that would indicate she’d even had a boyfriend before. No heart-shaped candy boxes, no folded love notes. No doodles of a guy’s name written eight thousand times on the cover of a spiral notebook. All I saw were tights, toe shoes, and dance stuff; not a single ballerina music box, stuffed with all her best-kept secrets.
When I heard her coming down the hall, I bounced over to the glass desk and plopped back into her weird office chair. She was wearing an off-the-shoulder T-shirt, and her long black hair was wet and draped over her bare shoulder. She sat at the edge of her bed to put on her socks and boots as she winced in pain.
“Fuck, my feet hurt.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
Even from a few steps away, I could tell they were red, swollen, and bruised.
“No, they’re disgusting. Believe me, you don’t want to touch them.” She finished pulling on her shoes and stood up as if she were perfectly fine.
What I would come to learn about Penny was that even when she was clearly in pain or self-conscious about her body, it never showed. She moved with ease around the room, which must’ve come from years of performing onstage. She carried herself with grace and confidence. I wanted her to be healthy, to love her beautiful body, to take care of herself—even though we were still practically strangers. It was the first time I ever wanted something for someone else in a purely unselfish way.
I’d never wanted to be this guy before, fawning over a girl like a puppy. That wasn’t me. Sure, I’d professed my love to a couple of girls, but I knew it wasn’t real. In my ideal world, I was going to graduate, travel around the world, and have a girlfriend in every country. But Penny was flipping a switch inside me. Now, I couldn’t imagine doing anything without her, her fucked-up feet, and her sopping wet hair. I felt born anew, baptized by her beauty.
“Gavin?”
Bathed in her voice.
“Gavin?”
Aching for her.
“Gavin? Where are you?”
“Uhhh, right here.”
“What’s going on?” She walked toward me. Before I knew what I was doing, I reached for her hips, pulling her closer to me. I had a strong urge to kiss her belly. “Isn’t it clear what’s happening, Penny? I’m really into you. If you let me, I’d jump right into bed with you and forget this whole friendship thing.”
She pushed my forehead back. “C’mon. Stop.”
“I can’t help it. I have to tell you the truth.”
She laughed but continued to push me away.
“Just let me kiss you,” I said. “Let me kiss your belly?”
“No, weirdo.”
I stood and braced her neck softly. “Let me kiss your mouth?” She didn’t move. I bent and touched my lips to hers. She was still. I pulled away. “Kiss me back, jerk.”
“No. We’re going to be friends. We agreed.”
“We are friends. Let’s just be the kind that kiss each other,” I said in all seriousness.
Something changed. She seemed sad all of the sudden. I ran my thumb over her cheek. Who is this complicated girl?
“We should get to the party.”
I nodded. The mood had shifted.
As we were walking toward the front door, her mother and sister walked in. Penny didn’t miss a beat. “Mom, this is my friend Gavin from school. He’s driving me to Ling’s apartment since I had a beer after dance class today. Gavin, this is my mom, Anne, and my sister, Kiki.”
“Hello, Gavin,” Anne said, reaching out to shake my hand. “Nice to meet you.” She pointed to my arm. “Those are some interesting markings you have there.”
Kiki chimed in. “Mom, those are tattoos. I think they’re kinda cool.”
An inscrutable look spread across Anne’s face. “Interesting . . .”
“We don’t want to be late to Ling’s,” Penny said, tugging me toward the door. “Gotta get going.”
Anne looked uncomfortable. “Penny, can I have a word with you in the kitchen first?”
“Nope, gotta go, Mom. By the way, Gavin is the one who fixed my car. You can use that money for Kiki’s professional airbrushed makeup this weekend and all the extra glitter.” She tugged at my arm again. “Let’s go!”
Anne shook her head. “Well, bye then. Be safe . . .”
Penny practically dragged me out of the house as Anne and Kiki gave us identical little waves from the doorstep like two beauty queens on a float in a goddamn parade.
I followed Penny to my own car and felt frozen for a moment.
“Something wrong?” she said as she stood near the passenger door.
Walking around to unlock her door, I said, “I got a weird vibe back there. Did you?”
“Well, they are weird. What can I say?”
“They seem really nice, though. Why didn’t you want to stay and chat a bit?”
“Gavin, just get in the car. I’ll tell you anything you want to know about them on the way to Ling’s.”
“What’s the deal with you and your mom?”
She sighed. “It’s complicated. Let’s just say I’m closer to my dad.”
“I actually get along better with my dad, too, though I’d never tell my mom that.”
There was a beat of silence as Penny and I sat in my car. It was getting dark and I felt a burning need to get back to that moment we’d had in her bedroom. “So, when we did that Blind Kiss thing?”
“Yeah?” she said hesitantly.
“Well, didn’t you feel it? You said you liked me, I think.”
“Did I feel what?”
“Like, stars exploding? That kind of thing?”
“That’s an interesting way of putting it, although a tad dramatic.”
“Well?”
She sighed. “Yes, Gavin. It was a great kiss.”
“So why are you so determined to keep things platonic between us?”
She turned her whole body toward me. “It was really one of the best kisses I’ve ever had. I told you that. But I want to get to know you, Gavin. You’re like the first friend I’ve had where it doesn’t feel like I’m in some kind of competition. And I’m afraid—”
“You’re afraid if something happens, we won’t be friends?”
“Yes. And I need to concentrate on school. I have to get a job out of all this hard work I’m putting into dance. At least as a choreographer or instructor. I feel like if we date, we’ll end up wasting our last semester drinking flights of beer.”
“First of all, that’s not how it would go—we would also have sexy times.” I winked and smiled. It didn’t work.
She sighed again. “Can you understand what I’m saying? What if I promise to be open, to go with the flow, and to work really hard at getting to know you? We don’t have to decide anything right now.” She looked at her watch. “We should get to Ling’s.”
“Okay, I guess,” I said. I turned up The Cure’s “Plainsong” and drove. Penny stared out the window. I forgot how emotional that song was until I thought about how she and I were trying to figure out how to be in each other’s lives. What would we be to each other, and for how long? Would it be for a month? For a year? Would I ruin it by pushing her? I just wanted to be around her, but the girl had boundaries. Big ones.
When we got to Ling’s, I walked Penny to the door.
Ling swung the door open and said, “Hi, HKM.”
I looked around.
Penny mumbled, “Hot Kissing Machine. Ignore her.”
“Well, ladies, I think this is where I leave you. Have fun at the party. Hey Ling, you have my number, right? From the experiment?”
“I prefer to call it a study, but yes, I do. Why, what’s up?”
“Give me a call if
our girl Penny needs a ride, or starts a girl fight.”
They both chuckled. I grabbed Penny’s hand and swung her around to face me. I bent, kissed her on the cheek, and said, “Bye, friend, have fun.”
11. Fourteen Years Ago
PENNY
“Oh Ling, I’m so screwed.”
She turned around and grinned at me. “I can see that. I mean, that blind kiss . . . it was like he was trying to put a baby in you. You guys stole the show. Like, you two need to bone, for sure.”
“No, I actually like him.”
“Precisely.”
We were in Ling’s bedroom, in her apartment, drinking Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill from the bottle, which felt like a crime, even back then. She was trying on different variations of the same outfit. I was thinking about why I was stopping myself from kissing Gavin a million times. I’d fall in love with him and end up pregnant at twenty-one, with no future and no hope of pursuing dance. He was a bad boy, good boy, bad boy, good boy. I was so confused.
Why, God? Why bring this guy into my life right now?
Ling finally chose an outfit, which was the first outfit she had tried on. I was wearing an off-the-shoulder T-shirt, jeans, and boots. Nothing fancy. I wasn’t planning to see anyone I knew, anyway; I just wanted to hang out with Ling and blow off some steam.
As we headed to the party in the building’s courtyard, the first person we ran into was Lance, the microbiology major.
“You waiting for me, Lance?” I said teasingly.
“Hey Penny, didn’t expect to see you here! You look pretty.” He held out a full beer in a red Solo cup for me to take.
“You sure?”
He waved me off, like it was no problem.
“Thanks. You look nice, too, by the way. What are you up to?” Ling raised an eyebrow at me as she walked away.
“Actually, I’ve been creating a biosphere. I think your dad would flip out over it.”
I smiled. “That’s exciting.” Damn it, is he going to talk about science-y stuff now? Maybe I should’ve stuck with Ling.
“So I created this really unstable environment and introduced these microorganisms, just to see if I could sustain them for any length of time. I mean, of course I had to provide energy sources. . . .”