Well, that’s the way it was out west a-ways.
So, the years passed. Sitting safely up the road a-piece, the citizens of Green Valley continued their lives, overlooked and under-remarked by the rest of society, protected in part by their neighbors’ ignorance. The citizens of Green Valley could afford to be affable, causing their goods to be just expensive enough to keep the traffic at bay.
Even if a visitor should stop inside the town limits and notice how green it was, they were just as quick to remember that time was a-wasting and it wouldn’t do to dawdle.
It could be said then, as a generality: no one from Elsewhere and Beyond really cared what the semi-dreamy citizens of Green Valley were doing or not doing. So what if that odd little burg called Green Valley had a very nice quantity of pleasant mossy grass. It didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things -- or so they thought.
And thus did these rare instances of being suddenly noticed, therefore inviting potential danger, vanished like dandelion fluff dancing on a breeze. Over and again, Green Valley was confirmed safe and secure.
In Green Valley, the people were both proud and mindful of their ‘Blessing,’ as they called the perennially lush moss carpet. They were happy to take the time to sit under a sleepy sun, often enough cooled by easy afternoon breezes … if for no other reason than there was evidently no one else to do it – and someone had to admire the moss,
Well, didn’t they?
Someone had to sit awhile and daydream, someone had to watch the butterflies of spring and summer. Someone had to window-shop in front of BF Jones & Co to see if their merchandise was really so excellent or examine the tools at Ajax Supply. Didn’t one have to admire a worthy opponent’s undeniable good taste and selection? Industry must not be allowed to cloud one’s view. And then it was back outdoors again, because the day was really too beautiful to waste, the mossy grass too delicious to deny.
In the end, one might think it curious that the citizens of Green Valley never stopped to wonder how it came to be that they alone should be the recipients of this remarkable abundance while a few dry, desert miles down the road, the wind blew more insistent, dust swirled and good green grass was always in greater or slightly shorter supply.
Perhaps one wants to wonder why these good people didn’t ask how it came to be that their sunlight was more golden and warm, while down the road a few dry, more desert like miles, it was often too hot and bright to stand outside for longer than a few minutes at a time.
In any case, it is true that the Someone Elses who lived Elsewhere and Beyond never found a moment to stop and really look at Green Valley.
What is known is that the otherwise model citizens of Green Valley occasionally permitted themselves a small extra margin of swagger as the Someone Elses of Elsewhere & Beyond hurried in and out of their well-stocked stores, tossed their purchases in the backseat of their large suburban cars, backed out of the always-available parking spaces and zoomed off down the road, shortly thereafter to find the dirt plumes from their exhaust had already blurred all remnants of Green Valley even as memory blurs out the unimportant details.
And if the citizens of Green Valley didn’t see beyond the natural beauty of their abundant mossy carpets to some deeper significance …it may have been that the Ancients of The Race That Was were mindful of such knowledge and what happens when it falls into uncertain hands.
What would the citizens of Green Valley say if they should somehow discover the surrounding tawny and green-capped hills were really a congress of these watchful Ancients sitting at its rim? Suppose these Ancients were somehow truly perceived? - holding the form of a great Celtic love-knot circle, no less - hands protectively linked, bequeathing of their breath and spirit the excellent summers and brisk winters, the refreshing spring times and colorful autumns and of course, the magnificently green, and abundantly lush mossy walkways that ambled through the town.
Suppose that these few remaining Ancients of The Race That Was were somehow imbuing the land and citizens of Green Valley with wisdom that causes these certain men to want to rise up and take care of the land, preserve its wealth, seeing beyond the Someone Else’s obsession with hard pavements and all that it implies. Suppose that in the creating of such a haven, the hard-hearted “comers” of Elsewhere and Beyond naturally excluded themselves.
Certain it is that Green Valley’s people recognized a distain for their day-dreaming even when it was only covertly expressed. Certain it was that the good citizens of Green Valley felt obliged to object to an overbearing, mechanized industry and they objected to it in their own special way. They would stroll barefoot on the good green mossy paths and walkways that honeycombed the town because someone had to … maybe they instinctively knew that otherwise one day the beautiful green mossy walkways would vanish for lack of admiration and use.
Let us say that this is, in fact, just the way it happened, that such Ancients of The Race That Was had determined to keep their history and glory alive. And they found the exact avenue by which to do it: a sleepy, slightly bohemian, bare-footed citizens-strolling burg, under- remarked in spite of its glorious green mossy ‘Blessing’. And that these Ancients of The Race That Was determined that it simply be called Green Valley and that no one ever stopped to wonder why it was called that, instead of something else.
And if it happened that such a place as Green Valley existed, no one living in the Somewhere Elses minded too much. After all, whose business was it to complain if Green Valley elected to go its own way, nurturing both the people and the land that expressed so well their philosophy? The Someone Elses of Elsewhere were sure to be there, their homes and stores lined up along the dusty streets and tracks to pick up the economic slack and take advantage of it.
Things like that apparently can happen out west. You have to pass a lot of small hot, dry towns. You have to keep your eyes peeled. You can’t drive too fast or you’ll miss the sign. It’s there. Green Valley. Population: varies.
Just when you are sure you missed it somewhere back behind you, you drive a little further, (further than you thought it could possibly be), and there it is after all. Rather like Brigadoon, except that Green Valley is wide awake every day of the year. You will have to remember to keep going if you want to get there. And then be ready to take off your shoes and sit on one of nice benches along the mossy paths. The citizens will make you welcome. They’re inclined to nod and say hello.
“Feels good,” one or two are likely to say. And “Now you be sure your feet meet the greenery all the way.” And you do that because it does feel wonderful. Almost like the moss was giving life to those happily resting feet. One can’t promise, but it does seem so.
To get to all that, you just have to persist.
And so it was.
Thus it was decreed by those Ancients, sitting in their circle, holding hands: here shall it be green. In this place, they said, let it be lovely and cared for. Here will the people have their dreams. The seasons will each be strong and proud in their natural way but without breaking the spirit. The hardened amongst men will pass by this treasure without notice.
Here is where our destiny lives. Here we will stand guard with all our heart and soul. Here resides the last of our greatness. And the green moss we bequeath is the symbol of our world.
Here do we last few remain. Here: in a small, slightly divine, semi-catchy moss-carpeted heaven on Earth known to only a few.
Let it be here, said these Ancients.
Here in the town of Green Valley.
Out west a-ways.
Dave Ugly has a way with women
I was performing in Myrtle Beach about 10 years ago with my good friends Dave Ugly (Dave Evans) and Jay Moore (Rowland Jay Moore). We had finished our show and decided to go out for some drinks and maybe run into some women. We were single comedians in Myrtle Beach during the summer, what do you expect?
We were at a bar shoot
ing some pool and at some point three young ladies came in. The math was perfect so we started talking to them and soon they were playing pool with us. Things were going great and we decided to have a man talk. We figured out which girl we each wanted and when we were in agreement we broke the huddle. Dave talked to his girl (a little on the heavy side), I talked to mine (fairly attractive) and Jay got the hottie, but who's complaining. I was happy and Dave was bouncing off the walls.
When it was time to go, Jay left with his girl to go back to his condo. He was playing at a different club than Dave and me, so he stayed at that club's "comedy condo". Our girls had driven together so we walked them to their car to say "goodnight". The four of us decided it would be more prudent to say our goodbyes in the car privately. Dave got in the front with his girl and I got in the backseat with mine.
I got real cozy with this attractive lady and we could hear Dave talking to her friend in the front seat. There was no conversation coming from where I was at, if you know what I mean, but I could still hear Dave making his move. Right in the middle of me kissing this girl, I heard Dave say to his woman:
"You know what I like about you? You're just as ugly as I am."
Two things happened right after he said that. I laughed and the girl I was kissing laughed so hard that our teeth clinked together. The other thing that occurred was I looked up to see Dave and this lady making out. I was amazed. The man has skills! I won't go into details about the rest of the evening, but we all had a good time.
I did learn a valuable lesson that night. Never make out with someone when Dave Ugly is near, it hurts your teeth!
This story was written with Dave and Jay's approval.
Dave Ugly The underwear incident
Several years ago I had a gig in North Caroline, on the coast, and one of my good friends Dave Evans ( aka Dave Ugly), asked if he could tag along; he did not have a gig that week and wanted to get out of town for a few days. I said "sure" and, “maybe you can even emcee or do a guest spot if you," providing the club owner was cool with it. We knew Dave would have to stay in my room as he was not on the bill, but that was cool with both of us. We'd been friends for years.
We got stuck in traffic on the way up, and made it to the hotel about 30 minutes before show time. Thank God the comedy club was in the hotel because we were both stressed out with the trip and everything. I went up to the room to take a two-minute shower and change, while Dave started pounding beers. When I got to the club, Dave said he no longer wanted to go onstage and I could not blame him. I, however, had no choice. The show went great and a good time was had by all, especially Dave. He was well into his cups by the time we went to the room and I wasn't feeling too bad myself. Needles to say, we were both out as soon as our heads hit the pillows.
Around 4:00 am, I was awakened by loud knocking on the door to my hotel room. ( It is important to note that this was one of those nice hotels, with the doors to the rooms on the inside of the building, leading to the hallway.) I stumbled out of bed, feeling very groggy and wondering who the hell was pounding on the door. When I opened the door, there was Dave Ugly (Yes, the same Dave who fell asleep in the room with me) standing in the hallway, in his UNDERWEAR! I actually looked back at the bed to make sure he wasn't still in it. I didn't say a word as I was a little shocked, and I can only imagine the look on my face as Dave said " I know, I know, let me in security is coming." I let him in and, believe it or not, I did not say a word. We were so tired we just crashed.
On the way back to Charleston South Carolina (about a 5 hour trip) the next day I found out what had happened. It did take a while for Dave to tell me because I could not look at his hung-over self and remember him standing in the hallway half naked without laughing to the point of tears. Apparently he had got up to use the bathroom (still drunk and half asleep) and after relieving himself, he had simply walked out the door to the room without knowing it. He then got lost in the hallway and could not remember which room he was in. He knocked on someone else's door and they said "You got the wrong room," to which David put his hand over the eye hole in the door and said "Quit looking at me." He did find the right room, and I do remember that after I got him in I heard a security guard in the hallway talking to someone and the person was saying "I don't know, it was some drunk guy in his underwear".
As we neared Charelston, and I could talk without laughing, I said to Dave "You know I have to tell people about this, especially the other comics." He just put on his sunglasses, sucked in a deep breath and shook his head. He knew.
This story has been told with Dave's permission.
The Toy Maker
Back in the days of the first Gulf War, I was keeping the U.S. safe at Dyess,AFB in Abilene TX. by partying and chasing women. Hey, someone had to do it. One weekend, me and my fellow airman Jared Derringer, decided we would venture out to Dallas, Texas for a few days and take up the chase there, as to give the women in Abilene a break.
On our second night in Dallas, we were heading out to the clubs when I came up with a plan to approach and engage our quarry. We would not tell the women we met that we were in the Air Force, we would come up with another career or job or whatever, just for the hell of it. Sounds brilliant, right? Yeah, right. I decided I would be a Business Broker, which I had no idea at the time and still don't know what exactly a business broker does or even if they exist. I knew, though, I could B.S. my way through it. ( B.S. is my initials you know.) Jared had not decided what his false occupation would be before we started drinking and carousing, but it wasn't a big deal, I knew he'd come up with something.
At some point we ran into a group of about 6 or 8 women and started talking to them. The next thing I knew I was dancing with one of them and Jared was doing the same. My woman and I finished dancing to a couple of songs and we made our way back to the group, who by the way, turned out to be a bunch of elementary grade school teachers. The lady I had danced with asked me what I did and my line of crap automatically started flowing. I knew I was doing a good because she was just as confused as I was. Then I heard Jared and his girl coming back from the dance floor, and I say "heard" because she had him by the hand, was pulling him towards us and was excitedly yelling, "Guess what he does for a living, guess what he does!!!" Of course, I was just as interested as the women to find out what Jared's occupation was; as he had not informed me of it, because we were too busy partying and chasing women. Then she stunned me by saying "He's a toymaker, he makes toys." The lady I was talking to asked what her friend had said about Jared's career, I replied, while trying to keep a straight face, " umm, he designs kids toys, he's a toymaker". "Wow, neat," she said.
Later on, after the ladies had left and we were headed back to the hotel I just looked at Jared and said "Toymaker, huh?!"
"Well, she told me she was a school teacher, so I figured, hey, teacher....kids... toys,.... toymaker"
Jared actually had the word "Toymaker" put on the back of his softball jersey for the squadron team. God bless you, Jared, my friend. I wonder if he ever got that position at the North Pole.
The Date Service Debacle
After having been single for a while and trying several avenues to find a woman, for example, on-line dating sites (still trying that a little), church, (found a nice woman, it didn't work, but I'm still attending), night clubs, grocery stores, and yard sales. I found a dating service in town and decided to give it a shot. Have you ever bought a new or used car or been to one of those time share things? This was kind of like that. Let me explain.
I showed up at the dating service full of hope and very broke. It was at an upstairs office building in an area known as Mt. Pleasant, about 20 minutes from my home. The office was decent enough and there was a nice young woman who met me in the reception area, her name we'll say was "Lisa". Lisa led me to a very small office in the back complete with one table, two chairs and one small window that looked out over a backyard area. It kind of had the feel of an interrogation room. Lisa had informed me over
the phone that this would take 1- 2 hours. “We,” she had said, “are not a regular dating service. We are COMMITTED to finding you the love of your life.
The first 45 minutes to an hour were alright. We discussed what I wanted in a woman, what my interests were, what I could offer a woman ,etc,etc.., no problem. Then she asked me about my finances and when I say asked, I mean she wanted to know everything. She wanted my yearly income, my debts including credit cards, my rent, my car payment, etc. . Needless to say I starting getting a little nervous, but I was lonely. After this initial phase she asked if I was serious about joining the service and finding my soul mate. I said yes, and she told me to wait there while she discussed my immense qualifications with her boss.
About ten minutes later, Lisa entered the room and once again asked if I was ready to meet my future wife. I replied in the positive and she got excited and said "Great! My boss wants you in the Program!"
"Program?" I thought to myself. Then I asked her, "How much is the program going to cost me?"
"Well," she started "we have selected the Platinum Plan for you and that's $3995."
"Do you have a Plastic plan because there's no way I can do that. How much just to meet a woman who just wants to piss men off, that doesn't sound like platinum to me? Or maybe I go in with a couple of other people and we share the plan? What if I convert to Mormonism, do I get a discount?" I replied.