“You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this place in my life.”
“Not really…unless you count every single moment of every day since I got back from Wichita.”
“Where do I even start?”
“How about start with why the fuck you left me in the first place. That would be good.”
My mouth was dry. How could I possibly explain?
“Can I have some more water?”
He handed me the bottle.
I drank until it was so empty that the plastic bent. I finally spoke, “I don’t know how to explain my actions to you, except to say that I couldn’t be around Elle anymore. The guilt was too much to bear.”
“Clearly not having to feel guilt meant more to you than anything. Did running away help you find your inner peace?”
“No.”
“You found your inner slut instead?”
“Sevin…”
He rubbed his eyes. “Fuck. I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I’m finding that I just don’t know how to curb my anger around you.”
Taking a deep breath in, I said, “I was in a very bad place that first year that I ran away. I was living with an old woman who took me in and let me stay in one of her spare bedrooms. But things changed, and I had to leave.”
“What happened?”
“She died, and I had to find a new place to live. Her family let me live there until they sold the house.”
“When did you meet him?”
“I was actually staying in a few different places, with some friends I met while waitressing, but I was virtually homeless. What I made wasn’t enough to pay for an apartment. Anyway, Dean was a regular at the restaurant. That’s how I met him. He was really nice in the beginning. We got to talking, and over time, he eventually helped me get on my feet.”
“So you married the guy?”
I realized that my story seemed off. I was omitting the biggest part, and without it, nothing made sense.
“He took me in. I was screwed up mentally. I didn’t really want anything but to just survive day to day. Back then, Dean was a different person. But over time, one of the conditions of his continuing to support me financially was to marry him. I didn’t really feel like I had anything to lose. It had already felt like my life was over. At the time, I had no plans to ever come back here.”
Sevin squinted his eyes, trying to make sense of everything. “How did Olga know where you were? She was obviously in contact with you if she told you about Elle.”
“I called her at one point. I needed someone to know I was alive. I wouldn’t tell her where I was, but she had a cell phone number.”
“Why didn’t she tell any of us?”
“I begged her not to.”
“Did you know about me and Elle? That we’d gotten married?”
“Yes. That was really hard to take, but I understood.”
“You said back when you first met this guy, you felt safe with him. What about now?”
“A lot’s changed. I need to leave him, but I’m scared.”
“Why?” The vein in his neck looked like it was going to pop out. “Does he hurt you?”
Yes.
He verbally abuses me and hits me sometimes.
I used to think I deserved it.
I can’t tell you why. I’m afraid you’ll go after him, and then he’ll tell you everything.
You’ll never want anything to do with me again.
You can’t ever meet him.
“He doesn’t hurt me…exactly,” I lied. “He’s just not right for me anymore. It’s hard to make changes in your life when you’ve become accustomed to a certain way of living.”
“What are you talking about? You’re living in squalor!”
“Dean put a roof over my head, and he got me the job at The Pink Lady. His friend owns it. Stripping is the last thing you probably expected me to be doing, but it turned out to be the best way for me to make a living without a degree. I’m not sure how I would survive without being able to put some of that money away. If I left him now, I’d lose the job. So, I’m trying to save enough to stand on my own. That’s the only reason I do it, Sevin.”
“The ten-thousand dollars isn’t enough for a start?”
“I asked them to credit back your card, told them to keep their fee and credit the rest.”
“What? Why would you do that?”
“Because I can’t take money from you, Sevin.”
“I would rather you have taken the money and gotten away from that guy.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“I don’t want you to be miserable, Evangeline. You think I hate you, but I don’t. I’m angry that you left, angry at life. I’m not sure that’s ever going to change. I would never wish the kind of life you’re living on you. If you’re staying in a bad situation because you think you deserve it, you’re wrong. Come home. Your parents will take you in.”
Dean will come after me, and he’ll tell everyone.
I need to make him leave me first somehow.
I haven’t figured it out yet.
“That’s not an option right now.”
Desperate to change the subject off of me, I asked the question that had been nagging me. “How did you meet Nancy?”
He paused, seeming hesitant to talk about her. “At church. She’s a widow. So, we have that in common.”
“Are things serious?”
“I can’t get serious with anyone at this point in my life. I’m too fucked up in the head.”
“So, you’re not…”
His eyes widened. “Are you asking if I’m fucking her?”
“I don’t really want to know that.”
“Because you run from things that hurt…”
“Yes. Knowing that would hurt.”
“In that case, you should know that I am fucking Nancy. She gives good head, too.”
The abrupt admission had shocked me into silence. Then, it was like something erupted inside of him as he continued, “Did it hurt to hear that? You want to talk about hurt? Hurt is finding out that all of this time, you’ve given yourself to someone you don’t even love. Hurt is knowing that you’ve been fucking him with my heart still inside of you. Hurt was trying to convince Elle that you didn’t leave because of her, when I couldn’t tell her that you left because of me. Hurt was trying to be a good husband to your sister, making her feel like a woman, kissing her, sucking her tits, going down on her when she couldn’t even feel my fucking mouth. All just to make her feel beautiful so she wouldn’t wish she were dead—something she often admitted feeling. Hurt was making her believe that I loved her when I only ever loved you. Hurt was feeling so much guilt that I was betraying you, even though you abandoned me. How fucked up is that? The truth hurts. But you know what hurts the most? After everything, I still fucking love you more than life itself.”
Sevin stood up and walked a few feet away to grab his composure. Each sentence that had come out of his mouth suffocated me more than the last.
After a few minutes, he returned to the spot next to me.
“I’m sorry. I just needed to get it all out.”
Yearning to comfort him, I grabbed his hand. I was expecting him to push me away, but he opened his fingers and intertwined them with mine.
“Did Elle really say she wished she were dead?”
“Your sister had her days, but in the end, she died feeling loved. When it came to me, she never knew that she wasn’t the one. I couldn’t have played the husband role if you were around, couldn’t have pretended. So, in that sense, you did her a favor in leaving. That’s the one consolation you can take from all this. Your sister died as happy as she could have been under the circumstances.”
Hearing that was truly a gift. It meant the hell I’d been living wasn’t totally in vain. “Thank you for your honesty.”
We sat in silence for a while until he turned to me. “I’ve been struggling with my feelings, doing a lot of thinking, especially since seeing you
at the club. Even though I was so angry at you—still am—ultimately, a part of me does understand why you did what you did. Luke and I have become really close in the past few years. In retrospect, if I were in your shoes—if it were my brother—I might have done the same thing. That’s a perspective I have now that I didn’t have then.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying…I’m trying. I want to forgive you, but I’m not there yet.”
His words cut deep. He wanted to forgive me. He could only forgive what he knew about, though. There was so much more about me that he didn’t.
I asked Sevin to tell me more about his life with Elle. We sat for over an hour. Even though it was all hard to hear, it was something I needed to endure if I was ever going to move on.
We eventually jogged in silence back to the property.
Soon after, I left to return to Wichita to ensure I got there well before Dean returned from his trip.
Guilt consumed me in the days that followed.
Sevin was trying to forgive me.
For the first time, I seriously doubted whether I was capable of hiding the truth from him about what really happened anymore.
CHAPTER 22
SEVIN
A couple of weeks after Evangeline and I had our talk, Nancy was washing the dishes while I wiped them after dinner. She’d been acting strange all day.
Out of nowhere, she said, “Please don’t be mad at me.”
“Why?”
“I found something in your room. I was looking for my shoe under your bed, and there was a book of drawings. I opened it. They were of naked women. They all looked like your sister-in-law, Evangeline.”
Fuck.
That was the first time I’d ever been careless and left the sketchpad out. I normally hid it in the closet but had slipped it under the bed when Nancy rang the doorbell earlier that day. I must have forgotten to put it back.
“Did something happen between you and her?”
Caught off guard, I stopped drying the plate in my hand but said nothing.
Nancy went on, “The couple of times she was here, there was this weird vibe between the two of you. Not to mention that dream you had. Now, the drawings…”
I was sick of living a lie. If Nancy and I were going to continue to be together, she needed to know everything. From her perspective, it would probably explain a lot about how I acted in general.
Leading her over to the couch, I said, “Forget the dishes and come sit down for a minute.”
Over the next hour, I proceeded to tell her the full story about Evangeline and Elle from start to finish, leaving nothing out. Even though a part of her was mortified, she seemed relieved to not have to wonder about my strange behavior toward Evangeline anymore.
“Do you still love her?”
I looked straight into her eyes and told the absolute truth. “Yes. I don’t think that will ever change.”
Nancy seemed truly affected by my revelation. “Wow. This is all so much to take in. I don’t know what to say.”
“To be honest, I’m not sure what to say, either. I don’t know where things stand right now. My life has been turned upside down in the past year. This is a big part of why I put up so many walls with you. You’ve been so good to me, and you deserved the truth.”
“When I met you, I thought what we had in common was that we had each lost the love of our life. Yours is very much still alive. This changes things for me. My feelings for you are strong, but I can unequivocally say that Mason was the love of my life. No one will ever replace him. If he were still walking this earth, and I were in your situation, I would need closure.”
“What are you getting at?”
“You obviously have unfinished business. I really like you, Sevin. Really like you. I would even venture to say I might be falling in love with you. My feelings have been growing, but I need to protect myself. Things can’t get to a level where I could end up with a broken heart. I can’t handle that after losing Mason. I think it’s best for me to step away for a while until you figure things out. I mean, can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me there’s no chance that something could ever develop between you and her again?”
I couldn’t.
Shit.
“I’m sorry, Nance.”
The chaste kiss she gave me on the lips felt a lot like goodbye. “It sounds like the story isn’t finished. If you’re able to close the door on this chapter in your life, and I’m still around, please come find me.”
***
The story wasn’t finished.
Deep in my heart, I’d always known that. Nancy being out of the picture allowed me more time than ever alone with my thoughts. And all thoughts pointed to Evangeline. One evening, the urge to contact her became too strong to fight. Reaching over to my nightstand, I picked up my phone and texted her.
When can you talk?
A full thirty minutes went by before she responded.
Evangeline: Will you still be up at midnight?
Sevin: Yes
Evangeline: I have some time right after my shift before he picks me up. I can call you then?
Sevin: I’ll be here.
The moon was bright as I gazed out into the starry night while anxiously awaiting her call. My window was wide open, letting in a cool breeze and the sound of crickets. At twelve on the nose, my cell phone vibrated over my comforter, and my heart came alive.
“Evangeline.”
“Hi. Is everything okay?”
“Everything is fine,” I said.
“It’s so good to hear your voice.”
“So, you’re done for the night?”
“Yes. I finish at midnight. Then, I hang around and decompress until 12:30.”
I relaxed into my pillow. “What do you think about when you’re on stage?”
“Anything but what I’m actually doing. That way, it goes by pretty fast.”
“No part of you enjoys it?”
“Not really.” After a long pause, she asked, “Are you disappointed in me? For choosing to do this for money?”
“It makes me jealous, but that’s my own issue. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You have an amazing body. As long as no one is touching you or hurting you, I’m okay with it.”
“There was this one guy once…in a hood…he touched me. He terrified me a little.”
I got an adrenaline rush for a split second, thinking she was referring to someone else before it sunk in that she was talking about me.
“That guy terrified me, too. I don’t ever want to go back to that place with you ever again…that place of anger.”
Evangeline changed the subject. “How are things with Nancy?”
“Things are on hold.”
“What happened?” When I didn’t answer, she must have sensed my apprehension. “Sevin?”
Exhaling, I wasn’t sure whether to admit to everything. “You remember my drawings?”
“Of course. I still have the one you drew of me locked away in a place no one can find it.”
“Well, Nancy found some of them.”
“She got mad at you and left because of that?”
“You’re gonna think I’m weird.”
“Too late.”
This was starting to feel a little nostalgic, like one of our old conversations.
“It had been so long, Evangeline, since I’d drawn a woman. Everything that happened with Elle, I didn’t have any alone time. I hadn’t picked up my pencil in years until I saw you at The Pink Lady. I returned from that trip kind of fucked up. I was so angry at myself, shocked, frustrated, sad, longing for you—aroused. So fucking aroused. I started drawing you that next night and the next one and the next. I kept on with it any spare chance I got. It was sort of like spending time with you in a strange way. Anyway, Nancy was looking under my bed one day and found the sketchbook.
“Oh my God. She knew they were of me?”
“Yes. So, I used that opportunity to tell her about everything
.”
“About the fact that you have more naked women stashed away than Hugh Hefner?”
“No, not about that. Wiseass.” I smiled. “About you and me.”
“I’m sorry for joking about it.”
“Are you kidding? I’m relieved you’re joking around with me after the shit I pulled on you at the club.”
“I know you weren’t in your right frame of mind that night.”
“That night? Try five years.”
“She broke up with you because of me?”
“It wasn’t that she was mad at the drawings. She sensed that my feelings for you were unresolved. She’s afraid of getting hurt.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. She was right.”
“So, what now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“No. Just this.” He paused for a few seconds. “Hear that? You and me. Just breathing. Not thinking about the past. Just together. Talking. I just want to talk to you every day and know that you’re alright.”
“I would like that.”
“So, is midnight my time?”
“What do you mean?”
“Is that the time he’s not with you, when it’s safe for you to talk to me?”
“Yes. My shift ends at midnight. But I tell him to pick me up at 12:30 because I need that half-hour to myself. If midnight isn’t too late for you, then that can be our time to talk.”
“I’ll take it.”
We spoke every night at midnight for weeks on end. Evangeline would go to one of the empty backrooms at the club. We’d talk about our days—nothing too deep or upsetting. We’d talk about work, Addy, Luke or what music we were listening to. She was learning what my day to day life was like now, and I was doing a pretty damn good job pretending I didn’t want nothing more than to kidnap her from that hellhole in Wichita.
Just like I used to live for our runs, I lived for that thirty minutes every night where our history didn’t define us. I was just Sevin, and she was Evangeline. It helped that the distance meant the strong physical temptation that existed whenever we were together was removed from the equation. That made it easier for us to just get to know each other again.