On my way to the guesthouse, I noticed a light coming from the small red barn on the property. Either that meant someone had accidentally left it on, or someone was in there. I needed to know if it was her.
She was huddled in a corner sitting on a mound of hay when I found her.
“Hey,” I said.
She jumped and covered her chest with her hand. “You scared me,” she said, sniffling.
“I’m sorry. I saw a light on and thought I’d come check on things.”
“You shouldn’t be here.”
“I know.” Instead of leaving, I walked toward her and sat down on the pile next to her. After several seconds of silence, I said, “You’re right, you know.”
“About what?”
“Your friends…they don’t deserve what people are doing to them, keeping them apart. That’s the real sin, and I truly believe those asshole family members are the ones going to hell.”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t let my father hear you say that.”
“Well, he almost did. I almost lost it. I should have said something.”
“Don’t. It’s not worth it. He’s too far set in his ways. It would be a waste of effort. I love my father, but I’ve just had to learn to agree to disagree.”
“My brother is gay.”
I’d blurted it out. It was the first time I’d ever admitted it aloud.
“What? Really?”
“Yep. No one knows, and I’m not sure he even realizes it himself a hundred percent.” I chuckled. “But seriously, the attitude that people like Lance and my stepmother have makes me scared shitless for Luke and what the future holds.”
“It must be such a horrible feeling to have to hide who you really are.”
Lying further back onto the hay, I said, “I feel like I can relate to that myself a little lately.”
“You mean here…with Elle?”
“Sometimes, yeah. I’m not perfect, and I really want this…my being here…to work out, but there are times when I feel like I can’t be myself. But that’s sort of how it’s always been for me.”
“You mean you can’t show your inner pervert.”
My stomach dropped.
She must have noticed the look on my face when she said, “Sevin, I’m just kidding. You confided in me about those drawings. It was just a bad joke. I don’t think you’re a pervert at all.”
Throwing some hay in her direction, I said, “You’re a little wiseass.”
Her cheeks turned rosy. “Speaking of perverts…poor Imogene.”
“Oh my God, Evangeline. That night…the two of us were the only ones losing it.”
“You went to the bathroom to laugh, didn’t you?”
“Yeah! I literally thought I was going to die from laughter. I don’t think I’ve laughed that fucking hard in my life.”
“I knew that’s why you got up!” We both started to crack up, and when it faded, she said, “I’m sorry I missed your birthday.”
“It’s still my birthday.” I smiled. “Anyway, you didn’t miss anything. I’ve been in a real funk today.”
“How come?”
“It’s a long story.”
“I have time,” she said.
I threw some more hay at her in jest. “You just stole my line from the day we met.” I hesitated. A part of me really wanted to tell her what was bothering me, but I didn’t want to take away from her own problems. Instead, I changed the subject. “Do you come in here a lot to think?”
“Sometimes. How did you know I was in here anyway?”
“Like I said, I could see the light. Process of elimination.”
“I would shut the lights off, but I’m deathly afraid of the dark.”
“Really?”
“Yes. For some reason, it doesn’t bother me so much being outside in the dark, but being in a pitch dark room makes me panic.”
“That’s a sucky feeling, but I’m the opposite. I like to sleep in total darkness.”
“You’re lucky you’re marrying Elle and not me. We’d never be able to sleep in the same room.”
“Yeah. Guess not, right?” There was a long silence before I looked over at her and asked, “Why not you?”
“Hmn?”
“If you’re the older daughter, why did Lance want to marry Elle off first?”
“That’s for him to explain. There are multiple reasons. But for one, I don’t think he sees me as ready for marriage and for the responsibility that comes with it. So, you dodged a bullet.” She winked.
God, she was beautiful. I needed to leave. Instead, I shook my head and asked, “What is it about you?”
“What do you mean?”
“What is it about you that makes me want to tell you all my secrets?”
“I feel kind of like that about you, too.”
“You might think I’m strange for saying this…”
She interrupted me, “We’re past that point. I’ve thought you were strange from the moment I met you, Sevin.”
“Maybe that’s why we get along so well. Freaks of a feather…” I joked.
She chuckled. “What were you going to say?”
“Something about you reminds me of what I imagined my mother was like.”
“In what way?”
“Just a free spirit, someone who cared about people, who didn’t discriminate, someone who was passionate and beautiful…inside and out.”
Someone who would have loved me unconditionally.
“Wow. Thank you. She must have been something…”
“I don’t really know. I never had a chance to meet her.”
A look of shock washed over her face. “What?”
“I never met my mother.”
“You mentioned that she passed away, but I don’t understand. What happened?”
I couldn’t believe what I was about to admit. It was the first time I uttered the words that were responsible for everything that was ever wrong with me. The words that defined me.
“I killed her.”
CHAPTER 9
EVANGELINE
Sevin’s eyes were watering when he’d said it. Shock and sadness ran through me, but I didn’t say anything, knowing that he needed to find the words at his own pace.
My heart was racing. He’d killed her. What did that mean? He’d never met her, yet he’d killed her. Just as I started to figure it out, he resumed speaking.
“My mother died giving birth to me.”
“Oh my God. I’m so sorry.”
“I still don’t know the details of exactly how it happened because my father always refused to talk about it. It was too painful for him.”
“Does Elle know?”
“I’d told her my mother died when I was little, but we never discussed the details. That’s partly my fault, because I always change the subject. I’m not sure if my father ever told Lance exactly what happened, either. If Elle didn’t know, I suspect he didn’t.”
“You can’t blame yourself for what happened.”
“Deep down and logically, I know it wasn’t my fault, but I spent most of my life wishing I were never born, wondering what she’d be like if I weren’t here. It didn’t help that my father was just a depressed shell for most of my early childhood. Then, he met Lillian and allowed her to basically kidnap his brain. In a weird way, he needed that. He needed direction, someone to take over, because he was just so lost. The one good thing Lillian ever did was save my father from the depths of despair. She just made everyone else miserable in the process.”
“Your father loved you.”
“I think he tried. He really did, but I never felt it. I look just like her. I can’t imagine what it was like for him to look at me, a constant reminder of her, of the pain.”
“She must have been really stunning.”
I immediately felt embarrassed, realizing that my comment was basically an admission that I found him stunning.
Sevin’s mouth spread into a smile as he also apparently drew the same conclusion.
“Yeah, she was.”
“What was her name?”
“Rose.”
“That’s so beautiful.”
“My father loved her so much. That’s the scary thing about loving someone like that, though. When they’re gone, it feels like your entire life is over.”
“I know. It’s like what Adelaide is going through right now, but I know that she still would never trade her years with Lorraine to escape the current pain.”
“Maybe one consolation is…I like to think my parents are finally together again now…where they belong.”
“I definitely think they’re together.”
“Lillian and your parents would say with absolute certainty that they weren’t in the same place. They’d say my mother was in hell because she wasn’t a Christian.”
“Well, I don’t believe everything my parents say. In my heart, I know that things aren’t as black and white as they’ve painted. There’s got to be more to life than living in fear of punishment. It’s such a shame. I just believe if you’re a good person, God knows it. I don’t think going to church every Sunday or saying you accept Christ makes a lick of difference in the end.”
His next question startled me. “What do you want out of life, Evangeline?”
“That’s a tough question.”
“I know. I asked Elle the same one earlier.”
“What did she say?”
“She said she wanted to be married to me, and that was enough for her.”
“Elle is different than I am. Don’t get me wrong, she’s the best person I know, but we have different wants and needs. I truly believe she meant what she said to you.”
“I do, too,” he said.
“You believe what she said…or you have different wants and needs?”
“Both.” His stare was penetrating. “So, answer my question.”
“What do I want?”
“Yes.”
“Too much.”
“Too much?”
I sat up straighter and briefly closed my eyes to gather my thoughts before the words just seemed to pour out of me. “I want to be free, independent from my parents. I want to experience love, but I don’t want to settle. I want to be loved back as much as I love someone, but I don’t want that relationship to define me. I want to make a difference in the world, but I don’t know how, and that frustrates me to no end. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to make love in the rain someday and…skydive! I want to die knowing that I didn’t live in fear but that I lived life to the fullest with no regrets. I don’t want to feel guilty about being true to myself. I want too much, to the point where sometimes I feel like I’m gonna burst. It’s overwhelming.”
The weight of his stare was overpowering as he absorbed my words. He didn’t say anything for the longest time before he simply whispered, “You’re amazing.”
Even though I’d never felt more connected to someone than I did to him in that moment, it felt like we were starting to cross a line. It compelled me to say, “Elle’s gonna be a good wife. She’ll make you really happy, Sevin.” I swallowed the bitter taste of those words and suddenly got up, straightening my skirt. “I have to go back to the house before they come looking for me.”
His tense expression from seconds earlier had transformed into one of surprise and disappointment at my sudden desire to leave. “Okay. Go on ahead.” As I brushed hay off my skirt and started to walk away, he called out, “Evangeline…”
I turned around. “Yes?”
“Thank you for answering my question. I hope every single one of those things comes true.”
***
Sleep was impossible that night between worrying about Lorraine and thinking about Sevin. When he asked me that question, I’d just blurted out all of the dreams kept hidden my entire life. I couldn’t get over how he made me feel. For the first time, I truly sensed those feelings were definitely reciprocal. The way he looked at me confirmed that our connection wasn’t all in my head. That was a dangerous realization.
This was the one man my mind knew it could never fall for, and yet my heart had other ideas. It had already fallen—hard and fast. As much as I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I was desperate for a solution. Wanting someone you knew with absolute certainty you could never have was the very definition of agony.
When Elle walked into my bedroom the next morning, I could barely look her in the eyes.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. Why?” I asked, playing with my hair as I always did when I was anxious.
“You haven’t been yourself over the past couple of weeks. Everyone has noticed.”
“Everything going on with Adelaide and Lorraine…it’s taking a toll. I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me. I’m sorry if I’ve seemed distant. How are you?”
“I didn’t have a chance to talk to you yesterday, but something sort of major happened.”
“What? Is everything okay?”
Elle smiled, her face turning red. “More than okay.”
“Well, what is it?”
“I kissed him.”
“You kissed Sevin?” My heart felt like it fell to my stomach.
She nodded. “You look shocked.”
“I…I am. I thought you were waiting.”
“I was. I don’t know what came over me. It was his birthday, and I really wanted to show him how much he means to me. Mama and Daddy would kill me if they knew, but I don’t regret it. Not one single bit.”
“What did he do?”
“He kissed me back. It felt so good to kiss him. It just made me even more certain that he’s the one.”
The intensity of the jealousy I was experiencing was a wake-up call. Any other sister would have asked for details, but I was doing everything in my power not to think about them kissing. This was just a drop in the bucket compared to what would be coming as Sevin and Elle’s relationship evolved. Getting rid of these feelings was not just an option but an urgent necessity.
Feigning happiness, I smiled. “Wow. That’s great.”
“I’ve been waiting for a moment to tell you, but you’ve been so busy.”
“Well, I’m glad you told me.”
She sat on the edge of my bed and crossed her legs. “I don’t want us to grow apart.”
“What do you mean? Why would that ever happen?”
“When Sevin and I get married. I don’t want us to lose our connection. Even when I move away, I need to be able to talk to you about stuff…like sex. I’m not gonna know what I’m doing.”
A wave of nausea and jealousy overwhelmed me. “I don’t have any more experience than you do in that area.”
“Are you kidding? You may not have real experience, but you’ve been studying it in your own way for as long as I can remember.”
Elle was referring to the fact that I had always been more innately sexually curious than she was. I’d check out graphic romance novels from the library in secret, hiding them from my parents, sometimes forcing Elle to listen as I read some of the passages to her with a flashlight under the covers of the bed. So, while I hadn’t had actual sex, I had definitely lived vicariously through fictional characters.
“I guess you have a point.”
“The real point is that I don’t want anything to change between us, Evangeline. Ever.”
“It won’t, Elle,” I said, pulling her into a hug.
Taking in her sweet perfume that was just as delicate as she was, I closed my eyes tightly and silently vowed never to let anything come between us. My sister was more important than anything. That meant taking steps to ensure that whatever feelings I had for Sevin were eradicated immediately. There really was only one choice. I needed to find someone to take my mind off of him. If I wanted to continue living under my parents’ roof, though, there was only one way to go about that. It would be their way or no way.
***
I knocked on the door to my mother’s sewing room that afternoon after we’d all returned from Sunday se
rvice. “Do you have a minute?”
“Sure, honey. Come in. Is everything alright?”
“I’ve just been thinking about some stuff lately. I wanted to talk to you about it in private.”
She’d been sewing a skirt on her black classic Singer machine and stopped what she was doing, placing the fabric to the side. “Alright.”
I let out a deep breath and stared out the window at the rain falling outside. “With Elle and Sevin getting married, I’ve been pondering my future a lot. I know I told you I wasn’t interested at all in being courted…”
“When you said you never wanted to get married, that was very upsetting to your father and me, you know. What does that mean for your future…turning into an old childless spinster? Look at your Aunt Imogene. She is a prime example of what can happen to people who lose their way in life and don’t adhere to God’s will.”
I wasn’t going to try to argue with my mother about poor Imogene, who had nothing to do with this. Imogene had issues, but I doubted they had anything to do with her never marrying.
“Well, at the time, when we last discussed this, I was strongly against arranged marriage. I’m still not a hundred percent sure, but I think I’d like to at least try seeing what my options are.”
“You want to be courted? Because your father is not going to allow you to date traditionally without marriage as the ultimate goal and outcome.”
“I know what his rules are. You don’t have to explain it.”
“Well, you know there are a lot of nice young men from our church around your age, Evangeline, but they’re looking for wives, good homemakers who are ready to settle down. You have a very restless personality and are very hard to satisfy. Marriage is for life. Even though we want you to get married, you also have to be sure that it’s what you want before entering into a courtship. It wouldn’t be fair to the man if you didn’t take it seriously.”
I want love. But right now, what I really need is a distraction. I’ll do anything for it even if it means going against everything that I believe.
“Like I said, I’m open to options. I have my hesitations about going this route, but I also don’t want to be alone. I won’t know if the courtship route will work for me if I don’t try. But if I try and fail, I have a right to change my mind, don’t I?”