Twenty-Two
Peter
Ava's mother has a cold the next morning.
“It's nothing,” she says, her voice full of mucus.
Sam sends her back to bed with lots of medicine and orders her to rest. Ava's anxiety twangs upstairs to me, and I know that she is very close to breaking. I send her as much positive energy as I can. If I could, I would attach my hands to her skin and keep them there, to keep the bad things away.
I wish she did not have to be in school. Although I think it is important for her to maintain her human life, it does not seem possible right now. Minimizing my impact as much as possible is all I can do, and she makes it difficult. Especially now that I have promised to make her a noctalis. I knew it would come to that. She is so intent on ending her human life and starting her immortal existence. Sometimes I wonder if it is the escape from mortality, or if it is me that she is after. It is times like this when I wish I could read all her thoughts.
“I can't go today,” Ava says when I get in her car at the end of the driveway. “Can we just go to the beach or somewhere and just be the two of us? I need some us time.”
“Of course. I will take you wherever you need to go. Always.”
She looks at me with so much pain and desire to be with me it is nearly impossible to deny that she does want to be with me. Still, I will always have that doubt that if I had not Claimed her, she would not feel so about me.
“Thanks,” she says, giving me a peck on the cheek.
“Do you want me to drive?” I ask. I do not mind driving. It is rather pleasant, in a strange sort of way.
“Thanks, baby.” She kisses my cheek again and gets out of the car to switch seats.
“Buckle your seatbelt,” she says as she buckles hers, and pushes her seat back so she can lie down.
“Tired?”
“I don't know. I just couldn't turn my brain off.” The circles under her eyes have been getting darker and darker. The instances of her nightmares are more frequent as well.
“You had the nightmare again,” I say, brushing one finger along her arm to watch her skin burst into goose bumps.
She sits up, startled. “What?”
“The nightmare you have about me and your mother burning as we... say those words.” I have to stop myself from saying it. The words are in the back of my throat and burn like ash, but I'm able to swallow them down.
She groans loudly and pretends to smash her face on the dashboard. I start the car and drive toward town. I want to take her somewhere new. Somewhere she hasn't been. A place without memories so we can make some new ones.
She groans again, and I rub her back. “I really wish you couldn't read my mind. Really, really wish. Not that I don't love you, but I really don't need you in my head.”
“I am sorry. It comes to me and I cannot stop it. I like knowing what you're thinking. Not all the time, though. I also like you surprising me.”
“Well that's good. I'm sorry about that.”
“You cannot control what you see when you sleep, my girl.” She smiles when I call her mine. I like saying it because I like her reaction. I don't call her baby because she asked me not to. I will have to try out some other endearments to see which she likes the best.
“I don't really believe in omens and all that. Tex gave me this book on dream interpretation, but it was no help. I know what it means. I'm scared to lose you, but that's no mystery. I think about it all damn day. You'd think I'd get some peace when I slept, but no dice.”
“I am sorry. I would invade your dreams and change them if I could.” Anything to help her sleep. Her human body needs it.
“That would be kind of cool, even if it was creepy that you could affect my dreams.”
I think for a moment. “I do not remember dreaming.” I only know what it is like from her perspective. It is murky, dark and changes quickly, going from a normal day at school to a cave to a blue sky. Confusing and strange. They are a kind of magic, dreams.
She shrugs. “It's not that great. I wish I had more time to do stuff. You waste years of your life sleeping.”
“What would you do with your time?” I turn onto the main road that leads from Sussex to the more populated areas.
“Read more, probably. Maybe I'd be better at math if I had more time. Or maybe not.”
She laughs and turns on the radio to the pop station. One of her favorites, Taylor Swift, comes on and Ava hums along. Her mood is better, but there are still dark edges to it. She is worried about Claire, but is trying not to think about it.
“What would you like to do today?” I say.
“Nothing.” The wave of desire that hits me reveals her lie. Yes, she has shoved anxiety about Claire far to the back of her mind. I give her a look.
“Okay! Okay. I hate that you can read me like that. It's crazy embarrassing.” She hides her face in her hands.
“Ava,” I say, putting one of my hands on hers. I send my desire to her and she gasps, uncovering her eyes.
“You are not the only one.” I remove my hand from her skin so we don't get carried away.
“It's a good thing I'm not driving. I might have crashed.” Her voice is unsteady and her blood pumps faster. I should not have done that.
“I am sorry.”
“S'okay. Just... warn me next time.” She struggles to calm herself down, fiddling with the radio again. “Where are you taking me?” she says finding another Taylor Swift song.
“A place I found when I first came to Sussex. You'll like it, I promise.” It is so easy to promise her things. She may think that they are empty, since they are not binding, but for me, they are more important, because I choose them. I choose her.
“You're not going to tell me what it is, are you?”
“That would ruin the surprise.” She is worse than Claire.
I keep driving, taking her to a little church I found when I first started coming to Sussex to see my family and tried to end my existence. Every year after I hadn't succeeded, I would find a new place to reflect. Mostly on my failures. Now I want to show one of them to Ava. She will appreciate the beauty of a simple stone church.
It only takes twenty minutes to get there, since I drive as fast as I like. Ava doesn't ask me to slow down. She knows that if the car was to crash, I would be able to get her out. It thrills me that she trusts me with her life, but it is also a large responsibility. The heaviest thing I have ever carried.
We don't talk much on the ride. I am content to give her all the calm I can, holding her hand so I can pump as much as possible into her. She closes her eyes and dozes.
It is the most peaceful I have seen her in a while. I wish it could last forever.
Ava
I should go to school. I should focus more on other things, but I need a break. My poor human brain can only take so much. I need a vacation, even if it's only for a few hours. No Di, no Helena, no Brooke. No worrying about Viktor turning Tex. I'm still worrying about my mother's cold. She's not supposed to get sick. We've tried to keep the house sterile and limit her contact with people, but somehow some germs got into the house. Her immune system is compromised as it is, and a cold can be dangerous. Maybe it was Gretchen, that bitch.
I somehow fall asleep and wake when Peter kisses my shoulder.
“We're here.” I stretch and look out the window. Tall ancient trees surround a little stone church. It's so old there isn't even a road for cars. “Come on,” he says, getting out of the car and opening my door.
I step out onto soft ground that is spongy with moss. No one has been here in a while. The air is thick with moisture.
“What do you think?”
I look at the unassuming church. It's small, even smaller than my house, and made of stone. The door has long since rotted away, leaving only a stone doorway. There is a little turret that rises about ten feet above the main part and is capped by a little triangle with a tiny cross on it. I suppose there was once glass in the windows, but it is long gone. Peter
takes my hand and leads me closer. The stones are rough and uneven, as if they were gathered and not made by a mason’s calloused hands.
“How old is it?” I say.
“I am not sure. Older than me.” He smiles and leads me inside.
The smell is of wet stone and dust, but it's not unpleasant. Our steps echo in the small space and my breathing is loud. Animals scurry and nestle in little nooks and crannies, and there are more than a few bird's nests.
“Wow,” I whisper, too afraid to use the full volume of my voice. It seems sacrilegious.
“Even if I don't have a soul anymore, I can appreciate the beauty of a church. My mother played the piano for our church when I was young. I can still hear the hymns in the back of my mind,” Peter says, his voice also quiet. I walk down the middle, brushing my hands on the stone benches that once held parishioners.
“I've never really been to church. Jamie used to go, back when he was younger, because his mom made him, but my parents weren't into it. Mom is too practical. She says she's more into science than religion. Guess that's different now.”
“I came here the first year after I changed. I don't remember how I found it, but I felt at peace here.” He walks all the way to the front of the church, where there is a stone altar.
“I feel like we shouldn't be here. Like we're not worthy, or something,” I say with a little laugh. Some dust crawls up my nose and I sneeze. “Is God going to smite me for sneezing in his house?”
“I don't believe so, Ava. If he does not strike me down for coming in without a soul, then I think you are safe.” He stops at the altar and looks up at the stone cross that somehow still hangs on the wall.
“It's so beautiful and sad. This empty church. It's like it's missing a heartbeat.”
“Like me. A shell without a heart.” It breaks mine to hear him talk like that.
“You're not the Tin Man. You have a heart; you just don't think you do. Just because the one in your body doesn't work anymore, doesn't mean it isn't there. Just because you can't use it, or say the words, doesn't mean you won't ever. Someday, you are going to tell me you love me, Peter Henry Mackintire. Someday you will say those words to me. I won't stop until it happens. Got it?” I grab his chin and force him to look at me. “I'm losing one love; I can't deal with losing another.”
He pulls my face up for a kiss. “My girl,” he says, “my heart.” He puts his hand on my chest, feeling my heart beat.
I'd give it to him if I could.
Twenty-Three
Brooke
I had to leave him. I couldn't stay or else I'd kill him.
“Don't you have anything better to do?” I said to Helena as we sat outside Jamie's window.
I knew it was weird, but I liked being close to him. I hadn't been able to apologize to him yet. He'd passed out again in his truck as I drove him home and carried him to bed. His parents and sister hadn't been home. I had to fight the urge to take the rest of his blood once it was on my tongue. Even if I couldn't see him, I could hear him breathe and listen to his heartbeat and his voice. I'd hurt his hand, and though it was healing, I couldn't heal what I'd broken. He was afraid of me, but he still wanted to be with me. I was afraid of me, too.
A million times I'd thought of what I would say to him. How I would apologize and explain, but the words wouldn't come. I wanted to tell him that I thought about him every waking moment, which was all of my moments, because I didn't sleep. I wanted to tell him that if I could go back and be mortal for him, I would. If there were a way I could be the girl I was three weeks ago, I would. I couldn't, and I couldn't tell him. I had to go. I was just having a hard time letting go.
He'd said my name several times. He knew I was there. I didn't answer.
“I have lived a lot of life, young one,” Helena said. Sometimes she sounded like a girl I could have been friends with and other times she sounded like a grandmother. It threw me off.
“Don't call me that.”
Helena laughed. “You're adorable,” she said.
“Shut up.”
“Don't you have anything better to do than stalk him?”
“Not really.”
My mission to find Ava, to see who she was and find out why Ivan had loved her and not me had long been forgotten. I wasn't sure why it had been my mission in the first place. Maybe it was because I missed Ivan. I still did, but I had something else to fill that hole. More like someone. I'd thought I'd found it, but then I'd screwed it up. I couldn't fix it, so I had to go. Find something else. I wasn't going to tell Helena about it. I still didn't know what she wanted from me.
“You must have had some reason to come to this little podunk town,” Helena said, studying her nails.
“I just ended up here. I didn't choose it.” It was much easier to lie when your heartbeat, breathing and blinking couldn't betray you.
“I see.” She climbed a tree and stood on the top limb, swaying in the breeze. She jumped down next to me. I was unimpressed. I could do the same thing. Maybe we could race one another.
“You know I am good at finding things out about people. The internet makes it a lot easier.”
“Oh really?” I pretended that I didn't care. But I did. Very much. I knew that they would think I was here for different reasons, his friends and their noctali. They already were against me, and there was nothing I could say that would change their minds. Not after how I had sought out Jamie and almost killed him.
“Yes. You should know,” she said, stepping in front of me, “that if you want to have a secret identity, you should probably use a different name.”
“Get out of my way.” She blocked my view of Jamie's bedroom. I tried to lunge around her, but she was faster. I stopped trying and crossed my arms. Why couldn't she leave me alone?
“Your name is Brooke Hallowell. You were reported missing on May 6, but that probably wasn't when you disappeared, is it? Your mother took a few days to realize that you hadn't just run off. There are still posters on every telephone pole in your town. Cara put them up. So did Dillon.”
If I were human, I would have showed the shock on my face. If I were human, I might have slapped her. Instead I stood there, saying nothing.
“You know silence is often more telling than speaking.” How did she know about Cara? And Dillon? How could she know about them?
“I know a lot of things about you, Brooke. It was easy to do a little digging. I also did a little research using one of my brothers. I have a lot of brothers and sisters. Several of them are in love with me and will do anything I ask. They found where you changed. When a noctalis changes, there is often a strong signature scent left behind that is hard to erase. Yours was all too easy to find.”
I waited for her to keep going.
“It only took a little more digging to find out who was in the area around that time, which led me to...” she trailed off dramatically. I didn't bother filling in the answer. “Ivan. Peter's brother. He's your father. Or should I say was.”
“What is the point of all this? You know who I am, big deal.”
“Well, I just find it interesting that your father is dead and you just happen to find yourself in the same town as his brothers and the girl he loved.”
I didn't snap at her. I didn't yell. I just looked at her.
“Well, don't you have anything to say?”
“What should I say? You figured me out. Congratulations.”
“The thing is, I haven't really,” she said, tipping her head to the side as if she was fascinated with me. “You didn't come here to seek revenge; that much is clear. You would have gone right for Ava if you were. Instead you went after her friend.”
“I didn't go after him.”
“I know,” she said, smiling. “You just happened to stumble on him. Strange how things happen like that, isn't it?”
“I'm not here to hurt them.” The incident the other day didn't count.
“I know.”
I was getting really tired of hearing her s
ay that. “If you know everything, then why are you pestering me?”
“I find you interesting, Brooke. You are one of the most human noctali I have met in a long time. I like studying you.”
Jamie's family was talking in the house, a quiet human hum that I could never be a part of again.
“Go study someone else.”
I wanted to lunge at her throat, but it would do no good. She had the upper hand, and I would have to bow down to her age, strength and experience. I wished Ivan were here. He would have put her in her place. The ache of missing him was something I never thought would go away. The only thing that could cure it was Jamie, and now I was losing him as well. I had nothing left. Only my endless existence.
“Why do you care so much?” I said.
“Because I have seen mortals and immortals alike do insane things for love. I don't want to see you do something you will regret for the rest of your existence. I've seen it happen. It is not a way to lead this life.”
“What happened to you?” I was more curious about her than I would ever let on.
She looked toward the trees. “Someone I loved hurt me. It was a long time ago, but the memory haunts me every moment of every day. I wish I could take it all back. I'm going to find her. Do you want to come with me?”
Up until now, I'd seen her as just a nuisance. It was clear that Helena had loved and lost. She knew was she was talking about. I thought about it. I could stay and be with Jamie until I did kill him, or I could leave and save him. This could be my new purpose.
I just wanted to jump into the bedroom window of that human boy, kiss him, pull his clothes off, and stay with him all night. We wouldn't have to have sex, but I wanted his skin touching mine. I wanted to meld with him like we were one person, instead of two.
“Sure, why not?”
Twenty-Three
Peter