“What do you mean?” Brian realizes he’s squeezing her hand too hard, so he lightens up his grip and lifts her fingers to kiss them.
“He made me get cleaned up. He forced me to eat. He said I needed to pay the price for getting pregnant and killing his child.”
“But you didn’t do that. He did.” Brian’s moving past upset and transitioning quickly into furious. If the guy were in this room right now, Brian would end up in jail. He knows that the man would die if he could get to him.
“I know that. I know he did. Even then I knew that. But I was to blame too. I knew John would blow his top if he knew I was pregnant. He didn’t want kids. He didn’t want me to have kids. He always said what a terrible mother I’d be.”
“Then he shouldn’t have fucking raped you!” Brian yells. He immediately tones it down. “Shit, I’m sorry. That wasn’t cool.” He drops her hand and turns around, pacing back and forth as he rubs his head with both hands. “Arrrrgh, I’m not handling this well. I just want to go to his room and kill him. Literally, kill him.”
“Don’t. Just let him go. He can’t hurt me anymore.”
“You’re goddamn right he can’t. Especially when I’m done with him.”
“Seriously, Brian, no. I’m going to talk to the police. I’ve decided. I’m going to tell them everything, even if it means I have to go to jail.”
Brian freezes in place for a moment before spinning around to face her. “What? Why on earth would you go to jail?”
“Because!” Nicole’s voice goes up a notch. “I’m to blame too, aren’t I? I should have left! I should have saved her!”
Brian takes three long strides to get back to her side. “No way. No way, that is not going to happen. I won’t let it.”
Nicole smiles at him through her tears, slowly shaking her head. “I don’t think either one of us are going to have a choice.”
Chapter Fifty
IT FEELS GOOD TO BE dealing with the nightmare head on, to be shedding the light of truth and awareness on it. Monsters can only live in hiding, covered by darkness and the shame wrapped up in the telling. Nicole refuses to feel shame anymore. That’s something John tricked her into doing before, but she’s not falling for it now.
Even though her body and spirit are bent, they’re not broken. No one can truly break her but her, and today she will not let that happen. She will no longer forfeit the running of her life over to another person. Never again as long as she lives.
The police officer closes the notebook that he was writing in. Standing, he puts the book down on her bed, his hulking form blocking out the light from the smallish hospital window. “Nicole, that was a hell of a story. And I can’t tell you what the District Attorney is going to do, I don’t have any decision-making power there, but I will tell you that I’m going to advocate that the State not press charges against you.”
“Thank you. But I’m willing to pay whatever price the State thinks I should. I loved my daughter, and if I did something wrong by her, then that’s the way it has to be. I can’t change the past, I can only walk into my future with eyes wide open, taking responsibility for myself and my actions.”
“That’s very brave of you. I don’t know a lot of people who would stand up and put everything out there like that, especially after all you went through.” He rests his hand on the bed rail. “You put up with more abuse than I’ve seen in fifteen years on the job. I honestly don’t know how you made it this far. I hate to say it, but most women in your situation are already dead by the time I get to them.”
Nicole looks over at the man sleeping in the chair next to her bed. “I’m sure I would be dead too if it weren’t for him.”
The officer joins her gaze and stares at Brian for a while. “He’s a hero in my book. Men like that … they just don’t make ‘em like they used to.”
“He’s a hero in my book, too,” says Nicole softly. “Mine too.”
He puts his ballpoint pen in his pocket, hooking the silver clasp over the edge of it so it peeks out from the corner of the flap. “I don’t know if anyone’s told you this yet, but a bunch of the officers’ wives have gotten together and started a fundraiser on your behalf.” He picks up his notebook and tucks it under his arm.
“What?” Nicole can’t stop the tears from welling up. This is completely unexpected. She doesn’t know what to think or say.
“Yeah. They heard about your story from the news and from some of the police reports that are public record. They were thinking you could use the money to find a place to live or to have surgery or whatever.” He looks down at the floor, maybe embarrassed about bringing up her face.
Nicole’s voice wavers. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. But my wife would kill me if I didn’t follow the one specific order she gave me before I came over here today.” He gives her an awkward grin.
“What order?” Nicole is mystified.
“She said if I didn’t give you a big old hug for her, she’d serve me brussel sprouts for a week straight. And Nicole, I really, really hate brussel sprouts, so I hope you’ll help me out.”
She smiles through her tears. “I guess you’d better hug me, then.”
She leans forward as the big bear of a police officer steps forward and takes her into a gentle hug.
“We’re proud of you, girl,” he says, his voice softer and warm. “You took the bull by the horns and wrestled it to the ground. We lose women in our country to domestic violence every day, so thanks for making me feel good about my job today.”
She can’t speak because the tears are coming too strong, so she pats him on the back.
“Hey, what’s going on in here?” Brian asks, his voice full of his smile. “That’s my lady you’re messing with.”
The police officer releases her, being careful not to jar her body too much. “I’m just following orders. And now I’ve gotta scoot. Duty calls.” He checks his cell phone and then turns on his radio, mumbling something into the speaker on his shoulder before looking up. “I may have to come back to follow up a little, but I think this is good enough for now.”
“What do you know about John? The uh … perpetrator or whatever?” Brian asks.
“Well, he’s still stuck in his bed, so we’re not worried about him making his way over here, especially since he got transferred over to General.”
“You did that? You transferred him?” Nicole’s not sure she understands.
“Yes, we did. We felt it was in your best interests not to have the idea of him wandering in here keeping you up at night. Besides, it was cheaper than putting a guard at your door twenty-four/seven.”
“You would have done that?” These are the people she was afraid to talk to, to turn to for help. Why did she ever doubt them? She feels stupid and ashamed.
He gives her a half-smile. “Of course. You’re an important, valuable human being, Nicole. Don’t you ever forget that, you hear?” He walks out the door, not waiting for an answer.
“Thank you!” she shouts out the door behind him.
“No problem!” he says back.
She looks over at Brian as he steps up to her bedside. “Did you hear what he said? They have a fundraiser going for me.”
“They’re not the only ones.”
“What?” Her heart feels like it’s swelling in her chest. Butterflies take up residence in her stomach. She doesn’t know whether to vomit or sing.
“There are a lot of people in the community who care about you, Nicole. People who haven’t ever met you and probably never will. Agnes is going ballistic out there. She has half the city depositing money into an account for you. Last she told me, there was fifty thousand in there and more money coming in every hour. They even featured her on the news.”
Nicole is sobbing again. “I can’t seem to stop crying for the life of me. I just don’t understand all this. Why me? Why do all these strangers care about me?”
Brian takes her into his arms, holdin
g her tight. “They care because they finally know you exist and they can see you need their help. Most people are not like John; most people care about others and want to ease pain, not cause it. Seeing someone suffer like you makes people realize how much they have going for them, how lucky they are to have the minor problems they have. Maybe you can think about your pain having a silver lining in that way. You’re making this world a better place by putting yourself out there and sharing your story. It’s bringing awareness to all kinds of people, of many things. I know it’s tough to show your vulnerability and that all this stuff makes you cry, but that’s okay. You just keep on crying until all the sadness is gone, and I’ll just keep wiping the tears away until you don’t need me to anymore.”
“I’m always going to need you to do that,” she whispers, clinging onto him with everything she has, hoping she hasn’t said too much.
“That’s what I was hoping you’d say,” he whispers back.
Chapter Fifty-One
BRIAN SITS AT THE KITCHEN table with Helen on his right and Nicole on his left. They have some decisions to make, and Nicole wants Helen there too. Pride makes him sit straighter. He must have done something right in life to have two women like this at his table.
Helen points to the paper in front of her. “Okay, so I added up all the money that’s been donated, and since the bank waived its fees, it gives you $276,583. All of it goes to you, and none to that asshat in the karma-coma, since my firm set up that trust for you.”
Brian frowns at Helen’s casual mention of John. Two weeks in a coma and it’s not looking especially good for his recovery. His injuries are healing, but for some reason the doctors can’t explain, he’s still dead to the world.
The vicious part of Brian hopes he never wakes up. The part of him that wants justice is hoping John does come out of that coma so they can put him away in jail for a really long time. Whatever happens while the guy is inside jail? Well, that’s just karma. Brian won’t feel one bit guilty about that.
Nicole’s face goes a little pale. “Oh my god. That’s … that’s a fortune.” She reaches over and takes the paper, her eyes scanning the accounting.
“It’s not bad at all. And I think some more donations are still trickling in. Agnes is on a mission.” Helen laughs kindly.
“She’s like a guardian angel. You all are. The hospital and doctors too for cutting my bills down to almost nothing.” Nicole looks at Helen and Brian. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am that Liam got involved in it. It still gives me nightmares, seeing him standing there on the edge of the campsite. I was so worried that … that John was going to …”
“We’re not going to go over that again,” says Helen, waving her off. “It wasn’t your fault, it’s over and done with, and Liam understands what happened. Like I said before, I would have liked to hold off on having him see that part of the real world until he was older, but it just didn’t work out that way. Now he knows. And you can bet your sweet ass he’ll never lay a finger on a woman as long as he lives because of it.”
“He never would have anyway,” Nicole says, smiling a little. “His parents are good people. They’ve taught him how to love, not hate.”
“Okay, moving on … I suggest that we wait to do anything housing-wise with the money until the DA makes her decision about whether to prosecute you or not,” Helen says, leveling her gaze on Nicole. “There’s no point in getting an apartment or a townhouse or whatever if you’re going to jail.”
“Helen, Jesus, lighten up a little, would ya?” Brian says, exasperated with her direct approach.
Nicole places a hand on Brian’s arm. “Don’t worry about it. She’s just being honest and to the point. I appreciate it.”
Helen continues, not at all dissuaded by Brian’s request to not be so direct. “I hate to be brutally honest, but I also think you should hold off on any plastic surgery until you know what the DA will do.”
“Why would she do that?” Brian asks. Now he’s getting pissed. Nicole doesn’t need any more excuses to hold off on the one thing that could help her get back into mainstream society without so many barriers.
“I’m not even sure I want surgery.”
“She needs to keep her face as is,” Helen explains, “so if she ends up on the witness stand fighting for her freedom, the jury will see what she suffered. Pictures won’t be the same. You want them staring at her face. It’s the most powerful piece of evidence she has.” She looks at Nicole. “Sorry, Nick. I don’t mean to be rude, but you know what I mean.”
Nicole nods. “I know. Don’t apologize. It is what it is.”
“We don’t know that,” says Brian, downright angry. “Once the autopsy is done, they’ll know the cause of death. That might be all they need.” Noticing the stricken expression on Nicole’s face, he takes her hand. “Sorry, babe. That was kind of harsh.”
She shakes her head no, but doesn’t say anything. She’s not as quick to come to tears these days, and he can see she’s fighting them back now. He shifts the conversation to help her out.
“So Agnes has invited us over for tea. All four of us. Or five if you want to bring your boyfriend, Helen.”
“I might,” Helen says, not revealing her hand. “It’s tomorrow, right?”
“Yeah. Two o’clock.” Brian glances at Nicole. He’s not sure she wants to go. Tomorrow’s a big day for her.
“That’s when the DA says her decision will be made,” says Nicole. “Sometime tomorrow.”
“Yeah. I think that’s the point,” Brian says. “Tea as moral support or something.”
“Good,” Nicole says, standing. “I want to go.”
“Are you sure?” Brian asks, looking up at her. “We can do whatever you want.”
“No, this is what I want to do. I want to be with my friends when I find out.”
“Will your lawyer be with you when he gives you the news or will he do it over the phone?” Helen asks. “I know he’s working pro-bono so maybe that limits his ability to spend too much time on your case.”
“Oh, no, he actually offered to be with me the entire day if you can believe that, which I don’t think is normal. Everyone’s being so nice, even his assistant. Thank you for introducing him to me, by the way. I don’t think I’ve thanked you enough for that. Gary’s an angel. I have a bunch of them flying around me these days it seems.” Nicole smiles, her happiness restored. She spends a lot more time smiling now than she ever did, and it makes Brian feel like they’ve won a huge prize. Together, they’ve won her life back.
“He told me he won’t take any of the money raised for you,” says Helen. “And the firm isn’t pushing him on it. I’m actually proud of the senior partners, if you can believe that.”
“Why wouldn’t you be? They’re letting you transfer out of that department you don’t like, too. Sounds like they’re pretty fair people over there,” says Nicole.
Helen sighs, standing as she collects the papers together. “I made assumptions about them I shouldn’t have. I guess you never know how something’s going to turn out until you actually try it. Guessing and imagining all the bad things that might happen is paralyzing.” She lifts a finger. “Forward movement! That’s my new motto. Now I’m off to do some studying. I’m so not prepared for my next case.”
“What’s it about?” Brian asks, getting up to help her to the door.
“Oh, it’s about this woman who was kept a prisoner in her own home. Beaten to a pulp. And then she fought back. I’m thinking it’s going to have a happy ending. I’m just there to put the icing on the cake.”
Nicole freezes halfway to the door. “What? Are you helping my defense?”
Helen smiles. “Yes. And I’m building a civil case against that bastard. If he lives, he’ll be paying for the rest of his life. If he dies, I want his insurance money for you. His estate will take care of it, like it or not.”
“Did you decide to go ahead with that?” Brian asks Nicole. The last time they talked about it, she wasn’t
sure.
“I told my lawyer he could go ahead and look into it. He was very persuasive.” She drops her gaze to the floor. “He said I could use whatever money I got to move Kitten to a new place. To have a proper burial with a headstone. I know I could do it with the money raised for me too, but I was also thinking about setting up a scholarship in her name. Something small. For girls whose mom’s were hurt by domestic violence, maybe.”
“You can do whatever you want with the money. Regardless, Kitten’s getting all that stuff, Nicole, I promise you that.” Brian takes her into a hug. “We’re going to get through this, I swear.”
“See you guys tomorrow,” says Helen. “I’ll show myself out.”
“Bye, Helen.” Brian hears the door opening and closing again, but he doesn’t move. Sometimes he feels like he never wants to stop hugging Nicole, so he can keep her safe from everything. But he knows too that trying to shield her too much would be a mistake. She needs to stand on her own two feet now and figure out her place in the world. He only hopes there’s room for him in the new life she creates for herself.
“I love you, Nicole, you know that, right?” He’s suddenly seized with the idea that she’s going to cut all ties with her past, him included.
“Yes, I do know that. You’ve been so good to me.” She pulls out of his arms. “I just want you to know that you don’t owe me anything. I owe you, but I don’t want you to think I’m not going to pay you back. And I won’t hold you to any promises, either. If you decide at any point you don’t want to be a part of this, just say so. I’m going to be okay.”
He gives her an almost anguished look. “Are you breaking up with me?” He hates feeling so weak, but there’s nothing he can do about it. This woman has him wrapped around her finger, and she doesn’t even know it.
She smiles, reaching up to smooth his face. “Are we even dating?”
“As soon as you’re up to it, we are.”