***
Friday morning, Alex called and invited me to dinner at his house. He promised a home-cooked meal. After seven days of restaurant food, it didn’t matter whether he could cook or not. Anything resembling home cooking made me nearly delirious with delight.
I'd accepted the invitation eagerly, but now I was having misgivings. It sounded too much like a date. Actually, I didn't have a problem with going out with him. My dilemma was with what might follow at the end of the evening. Plain and simple, I wasn't ready for sex. Maybe I might never be. I enjoyed the friendship developing between us. Bad sex would ruin that. Jonathan once said there wasn’t such a thing as bad sex. He’d be the authority on that subject, wouldn’t he?
I stared into my clothes closet, feeling melancholy. I missed my girlfriends. They abandoned me after Jonathan moved out. Not right away, of course. But little by little, one by one. Maybe they feared I’d go after their husbands. Fat chance of that happening.
I experienced a tremor of guilt. Instead of wondering what to wear or if Alex and I would end up in bed, I should be listening to my kids, asking them how their day had gone, whether there were any problems at school. Oh, I knew I didn’t have to be with them or available to them every minute of every day, and it wasn’t as though I handed them off to Jonathan tonight because of a date. It was his scheduled weekend with them.
The children were not excited about spending the weekend with their father. They both made good arguments why it shouldn’t happen: I would be left all alone. I might need help. You know ... then they’d eye roll the ceiling, indicating the ghost. When that failed to convince me, they pointed out there was still more wallpaper to tear down and they could only help me with that on the weekends. It thrilled me Katie preferred my company to Jonathan’s, but I didn’t relent. They both needed to spend time with their father, whether they realized it or not. And another thing. I should talk to the children about Irwin. I felt guilty about that, too, but the thought of doing so frightened me more. It would make him … it all that more real.
I decided on my navy jumpsuit.
“Mom.”
The knock on my bedroom door sounded like a blast from a howitzer. The door swung open and Benjamin sprinted across the room, stopping only when his feet landed on mine.
“What?”
“Katie’s doing that thing with her eyes again.”
I knew what he meant. The thing where she sucked in her cheeks and rolled her eyeballs back in their sockets until only the whites showed.
“And she repeats everything I say.”
“Just don’t look at her, Benjamin. Just don’t look at her, Benjamin.”
“Maw-um.” He knuckled my arm, grinning.
It wasn’t a good idea for me to get on Katie’s case right now, so I manipulated the situation. “What would you have me do?"
He shrugged. "I don't know."
"Would you like me to spank her?"
He grinned. "She's too old for a spanking."
"Kids never get too old for their mommas to spank."
"No?" he asked on an intake of breath.
"No, and you're right. She does deserve a spanking.” I dashed across the room, hoping Benjamin would stop me before I made it to the door. At this gallop he needed to intervene soon. Maybe I put too much faith in his compassionate nature. Four feet away ... three ... two... Stop me, Benjamin.
“Mom, don’t.”
I stopped, turned and feigned surprise. “You don’t want me to spank your sister? But didn't we agree she deserved one?” I watched as he lowered his eyes and his long, dark lashes rested on his lower lids.
“She doesn't really.”
“No? Why not?”
His lower lip trembled. “Cuz ... cuz ... maybe I made faces at her first and maybe I repeated everything she said first.”
“Ah.” I could always count on Benjamin to tell the truth.
“But her faces are scarier than mine.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. Some of your faces are pretty scary, too.” I tweaked his nose.
“You think so?”
Benjamin lost a top front tooth this week. His toothless smile had me grinning. “I know so.”
He hugged me. “Mom, can I go with you to Alex's tonight?”
I saw that coming. “You don’t want to disappoint your father, do you?” A long silent moment passed.
“No.” But he wasn’t pleased about it. His clenched fists told me so.
“Do you know where my gold hoop earrings are?” I rummaged through my jewelry box.
Benjamin giggled into his hand.
“What?”
“Irwin’s wearing them.”
He had to stop doing things like that. This morning I found the teapot sitting in the toilet. Yuck. That found its way into the trash in a hurry.