Chapter 23
On Saturday, we went to the zoo, watched rented movies and played computer games. On Sunday, we slept late, drove to the country and had supper at Ozzie’s, a seafood restaurant in neighboring Durham, a small community bordering the Nashwaak River. By Sunday night we bickered like old times.
Though I enjoyed the last two days with my kids immensely, I missed not seeing Alex. He had become a part of our lives. My life didn't seem whole without him. When he called last night inviting me to breakfast, I shouted with glee.
I rushed Katie and Benjamin out the door and off to school and walked the short distance to Alex's.
“Knock, knock,” I sang from the foyer.
He peeked around the corner from the kitchen. “Hi.”
“Hi, yourself.”
“Good timing. Breakfast is ready.”
When I entered the kitchen, the smell of bacon, sausages and eggs reminded me I hadn’t eaten anything since dinner last night. “I’m famished.”
“Good, because there’s more than enough for the entire street.”
I angled my cheek for a kiss. “You said it would be just the two of us.”
I could never get enough of his throaty laugh.
We ate in the glassed-in porch, sitting on the floor with our plates balanced in our laps.
Outside, snowbirds ate from feeders hanging from the branches of the apple and cherry trees. The December sun shone brightly, sharing its warmth and glistening the mantle of snow covering the ground. A gust of wind sent puffs of white haze fluttering across the windowpanes.
“This coffee is very good.” I tipped my cup. “A special ingredient?”
“It’s a family secret.”
“I thought you had no family.”
He settled against the wicker settee and smiled. “Okay. A trade secret.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Did you hear from what’s-his-name over the weekend?”
“Jonathan? No, and I didn’t expect to. He’ll give me time to forget his behavior on Friday night.” I chuckled. “And as if you forgot his name.”
“Did he always have such a wicked temper?”
I nodded. “Fraid so.”
“Did he ever lose his temper with you?”
“Once. When we were first married. I dented the fender of his car.” I shuddered at the memory. “But he never lost it with the kids.” Why did I insist on not making him an ogre?
“Why did you stay married to him?”
I inclined my head. “I wonder that, too, sometimes.” My voice became a whisper. “But two wonderful things came from the marriage. Katie and Benjamin. And something as wonderful came from the divorce. Freedom.” And you. “It took me a long time to realize that.”
He looked at me steadily for a moment. “How’s Katie?”
“Still a little shaken, but on the mend. I think she’s finally believing what happened was not her fault.”
He patted my hand. “She’ll be fine.”
A man never patted my hand before. I didn’t know whether I liked it. “Yes, she will.”
“How about her mother?”
I drank the last of my coffee and smiled. “She’ll be fine, too.”
He draped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him.
Jonathan’s enraged face and condescending attitude surfaced in my thoughts. It left me feeling doleful. “Jonathan always makes me feel as useless as tits on a bull.”
He guffawed.
I covered my eyes with my hand. “I said that out loud, didn’t I?” My cheeks burned. “Oh God. I’m so embarrassed.”
“Don’t be,” he said, though he didn’t stop laughing.
I poked him in the ribs, trying to keep a serious face. “Stop laughing.”
“That’s one of the things I love about you. Whatever’s on your mind, you say.”
I was only that way with him. “What’s another one?”
“Another what?”
“Another thing you love about me?”
He shook his head slowly, squinted and scrunched his face as though deep in thought.
“No, that’s the only thing.”
“You’re so bad.” How had we arrived at this place? This place of silly banter, lazy smiles and playful teasing, this place where I felt I knew Alex forever and could say anything to him.
“Tell me, Alex, do you need a woman who is needy? A woman who indulges your every whim and agrees with everything you do and say?” I wondered if that was his attraction to me. I had no intention of being that kind of woman ever again.
“Where’s the fun in that?”
His answer broadened my smile. “Exactly. Where’s the fun in that?” I couldn’t seem to take my eyes from his lips. “Do you ever look back on your life and wish you could turn back the clock?”
“Yes, all the time. Do you?”
It showed itself again — that sadness haunting his eyes. Something dreadful happened in his past. “Yes, and there’s not too many things I wouldn’t do differently.” I looked into his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“For reminding you about something you try hard to bury.”
He uncrossed his legs, but didn’t make a move to stand as I thought he would. “You’re very intuitive.”
But obviously not someone he could trust to tell his secrets. I stared at the floor. Fine cooking, fine company, pleasant conversation, sunshine warming our faces, birds singing their happiness from their perches on the trees outside, the feel of his fingertips trailing up and down my arm — only one thing would make this moment more perfect.
“Vinnie make it to your house this morning?”
“Who?”
“Vinnie. The plaster man.”
“Oh. Yes, he did. He’s working his magic on my walls as we speak.”
“Good.”
“What are your plans for today?” The question made me sound like a wife.
“The usual. Pipes to unclog, investors to smooze, a primadonna computer wizard to cajole. How about you?”
“I thought I’d go to the library.”
“Ah. You haven’t given up on the idea that your house is the key to Irwin’s presence?”
“No.” I was feeling exhilarated again, but this time it came from feeling that I might learn not only Irwin’s identity but the identity of Alex’s biological parents. Today would be a day of revelations.
“Maybe there’s nothing to find.”
“Leroy seems to think there is.”
“Remember, Leroy might have been a little loony at one time. Maybe you shouldn’t put too much stock in what he says.”
“I won’t ... Oh, before I forget, Benjamin told me to thank you for that book. He said,” I made quotation marks in the air, ‘It’s awesome, man.’”
He laughed. “He’s a great kid.”
“You would have made a great dad.” His expression made me grin. “Why so shocked?”
“I ... I ... Really? You think so?”
“Of course. You’re wonderful with Benjamin and Katie.”
“They’re easy to like. Well, Ben is.” He laughed.
I laughed, too. “Katie will be easier to like from now on, too. I can almost guarantee it.”
He had work to do, but I didn’t want this moment to end.
As though on cue, he stood.
I took the hint, but it left me feeling melancholy. The same way I felt at the end of my marriage. Why did I feel this way? Alex was not my husband. We were not lovers, and this was not an end to a relationship. We were simply parting until we met again. One part of me admired him for not pushing intimacy while another part damned the gentleman in him. A week ago, it frightened me to think about taking that step with him, but not anymore.
I took his outstretched hand and he helped me from the floor. “I should be going if I want to get to the library and get some work done at home.”
Hand i
n hand, we walked to the front door. I grabbed my jacket from the newel post. Our gazes met and held. He pulled me to him with a practiced twist of his wrist. My jacket slipped from my fingers and I was in his arms before I could draw a breath. His lips were just as I remembered — full and soft and curious. The desire that had been brewing in me percolated in a sensation of such force I could never have imagined it. Any moment he might decide this wasn’t right. It was, and he needed to be convinced of that.
“Susan.”
I silenced him with my lips. Rationale, manners or technicalities had no business here. Worry about the consequences of our actions would come later, if we wanted.
He swept me into his arms and carried me up the stairs.
We tumbled onto his bed, kissing, touching and groping each other. He undid snaps and buttons, his fingers as deft as a magician’s. My sweater flew to the floor. My jeans unzipped.
The rough material of my Levi’s scraped my legs as he pulled them off. I yanked the shirt off his back and unbuttoned his jeans.
I desperately wanted to be with him. How effortlessly I arrived here when desire denied me the time to analyze the life out of it. From desperation would come hope. From hope would come life.
No words of love were spoken. Love didn’t have anything to do with what was happening between us. At least not for me. I needed him. I wanted to feel like a woman who knew a man wanted her. And Alex wanted me. That was clear.
He covered me with his naked body. “You’re sure, Susan?”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and drew him closer. “God, yes.”
Oyez. Oyez. Oyez.
I was happy, so happy I wanted to scream it to the neighborhood from Alex’s widow’s walk.
We lounged naked in bed, our legs entwined, our fingers interlaced.
It never once entered my mind during any of the times we made love that I was still a legally married woman and had just committed adultery. I felt no guilt. How could I when I never felt more loved?
My actions and my response to him surprised me no end. Normally, I would have approached this methodically, like I would if I prepared dinner menus for the entire week. I would have approached it more carefully, too, like asking for a written declaration that he was free of transmittable infections and imagined myself saying when I held it in my hand, “Okay, let’s do it.” I placed my trust in him and somehow knew he would never cause me pain in any way.
I would never doubt my attractiveness again. How could I when a gorgeous man like Alex couldn’t seem to get enough of me? I'd been wrong earlier to think there was only one thing that could make this day more perfect.
“Susan?”
I stretched. “Hmm.”
“Do you need to pick up the kids from school? It’s three-twenty.”
“My kids.” I shot off the bed. “Oh my God, I forgot about my kids. Christ Almighty, how could I forget about my kids.”
“I’d like to think I had something to do with it.” He crooked his arm at the back of his head, a wicked smile forming at the corners of his mouth.
I squinted, tilted my head and looked out the corners of my eyes. “No. No, I don’t think that was it.” I winked, blew him a kiss, wrapped the sheet around me and ran around the room picking up my clothes. “I’ll see myself out,” I yelled over my shoulder and headed for the bathroom.