I give his hand a squeeze. “You know I’m here if you ever need to talk, vent, punch something, whatever.”
He chuckles, his eyes lighting up for the first time since I walked into his room. “Punch something?”
“Yeah, as a way to get it out. You’d be surprised how therapeutic it can be.”
“Thanks for the offer, but physically exerting myself doesn’t sound like much fun. I would, however, love to go dancing. I haven’t done that in a while.”
“Okay,” I respond, unsure as to whether he wants me to accompany him since he’s been so hesitant about it in the past.
“I definitely need to get something to eat first.” He pats his stomach. “I’m starving.”
I nod my head toward the parking lot. “Let’s go, then. Like I said, the day is yours.”
We hike across the snow for the car, our shoes crunching against the frostbitten grass. The snowfall is thinning, making it easier to see. When I notice a couple of guys heading up the sidewalk, I’m prepared for Seth to pull his hand out of mine, like he always does when we’re around other people, but as the guys get closer, he only grips tighter. I can feel his anxiety when his palm starts to sweat and his pulse begins hammering against my fingertips, and though his gaze remains locked on his snow-covered car, he keeps glancing at the guys out the corner of his eye.
A few of them look in our direction and openly stare, but, thankfully, no one opens their mouth and we make it to the car without any problems. The last thing Seth needs is for drama to unfold during his first attempt at putting himself out there.
“Where should we eat?” Seth’s fingers tremble as he fumbles to get the keys in the ignition.
“Hey, just breathe.” I settle my hand on his arm to steady him. “You did good.”
When his gaze meets mine, he nods unsteadily, and I can’t help myself. I lean over and kiss him and he kisses me back, almost in desperation, sliding his tongue into my mouth. He hasn’t shaved in a few days and I can feel his stubble under my hand as I rub his cheek and press him closer.
“I missed you,” I say when I pull back, a little breathless.
“I missed you, too,” he admits, backing out of the parking space.
“My mom said you should come to Florida with me for Christmas,” I tell him. “But I have to warn you, you’ll likely spend most of the visit getting your palm read, your cards read, and your dreams interpreted.”
“That sounds fun.”
“So, you’ll come?”
He scratches his forehead then flips the wipers on high speed. “Yeah, that actually sounds nice.” His voice shakes nervously. “I hope they like me, though.”
“Of course they will.” I buckle my seatbelt and relax back in the seat. “In fact, I’m pretty sure my mom already does.”
“How? She’s never even met me.”
“She says I seem happy and gave you the credit for that.”
He smiles at this, looking a little baffled.
We spend the next couple hours eating dinner and searching for a club that’s open on a holiday weekend, which turns out to be an unsuccessful endeavor. Every club worth going to is closed, so we end up heading to my apartment and playing a drinking game. Five or six shots in, my veins are buzzing with just enough alcohol that I decide it’s a good idea to crank up some music and turn my living room into a club.
We start dancing, laughing and grinding our hips, feeling each other’s bodies, and the laughter quickly turns to a heavy make out session. Shirts and jeans get stripped off and somehow we make it into the bedroom. Things start to get extremely hot, and I have no intention of stopping until I spot the fear on Seth’s face.
“Should I stop?” I ask through ragged breaths.
His chest crashes into mine as he fights to breathe. “I just need a moment.”
Nodding, I push back and sit down on the edge of the bed. Gripping onto the mattress, I struggle to get air into my lungs, trying to calm myself the fuck down.
“I’m sorry,” Seth mutters from behind me.
“No, you’re fine.” I suck in another breath before rotating around, and I instantly regret facing him. He’s still wearing only his boxers, his blonde hair is sticking up all over the place, and I instantly get hard.
“I just needed to calm down,” I say in a strained voice. “You have me all riled up.”
A trace of amusement turns up the corners of his lips, but the smile promptly falters. “I haven’t been completely honest with you about certain stuff. I wasn’t really planning on telling you and I’m not even sure I need to… But since this week has been all about the truth, I think I’m just going to be up front about my past.” He crosses his legs and gets situated on the bed, growing quiet as I wait for him to proceed.
The longer he sits there silently, the more restless I feel about what the hell he’s going to say.
“Last week, when we were messing around on your couch… That’s the farthest I’ve ever been,” he stares down at his hands in his lap. “I mean, I did stuff to Braiden, but he refused to do anything to me. He said it was because he wasn’t into it, but I could tell that sometimes he wanted to. Looking back, I’m guessing it was because he was scared to go all the way… I wish I’d said something, but I was stupid back then.”
“You weren’t stupid. You just weren’t given a real chance to see that there was an option other than hiding behind closed doors.”
He dazes off over my shoulder. “I thought I was in love with him.” When his eyes land on me, he shakes his head. “Clearly, I understand now that I wasn’t, but back then… I don’t know… This is going to sound so cliché, but I think I was looking for love in all the wrong places.” His brows knit. “What about you? I know you’ve dated way more than I have, but have you ever been in love?”
I shake my head. “No, I never got close enough to anyone to feel that much for them.” Until now.
I realize right then and there that I’m pretty sure I’m in love with Seth. I should have known the moment I dropped everything and flew back early just to make sure he was okay. It terrifies me, but in a really good way. I open my mouth to tell him so, but my phone rings from inside the apartment somewhere.
“Where the hell did I leave it?” I mutter to myself as I climb off the bed.
I stumble through the room and track the ringing to the hallway, where my phone is lying on the floor. I pick it up and see an unknown number on the screen.
“Hello?” I answer, putting the phone up to my ear as I make my way back into the bedroom.
Seth is lounging on my bed with his arms tucked behind his head, smiling at me contently. I have this overwhelming urge to throw the phone down and scream that I love him.
“Hey, Greyson… It’s Callie. Sorry to bug you… Seth used my phone once to call you and I found the number in my log.” She sounds choked, as if she’s been crying. “I don’t mean to bother you, but Seth won’t answer his phone and I really need to talk to him.” A heart-wrenching sob fills the line.
“Yeah, he’s right here. Hold on.” I quickly hand him the phone and mouth, Callie.
With a pucker at his brow, Seth sits up and takes the phone from me. He talks to Callie for about ten minutes and by the time he hangs up, he looks like he’s ready to throw up.
“What’s wrong?” I ask as he sets my phone down on the nightstand.
“It’s Kayden…” Shock is frozen on his face. “He was stabbed this weekend. He’s okay, but he’s been admitted to the hospital.”
“What?” I haven’t actually met Kayden, but I’ve gathered from conversations with Seth that Callie really cares about him. “Who the hell stabbed him?"
“I don’t know yet, but Callie thinks it might have been his dad,” he whispers. “God, Callie told me that Kayden’s father was abusive, but I never thought…” His fingers tremble as he balls his hands into fists. “Why do parents have to be so fucked up sometimes?”
“Not all parents are.” I reach around and pull him i
n for a hug. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I just worry about Callie. She never really breaks down, you know. She just stuffs her emotions until she loses it completely.” He inhales and exhales against my chest, trying to pull it together. “I think I need to go there... she shouldn’t be alone.”
“We can drive out there if you want… I can go with you, too.”
“Thank you.” The pressure of the last few days becomes too much, causing him to crack, and tears fall from his eyes, dripping onto my shoulder.
Feeling helpless, I do the only thing I can and hold onto him with everything I have in me.
Chapter 14
Greyson
We drove out to be with Callie and to try to see Kayden, but his family wouldn’t let anyone in and we ended up going back to the campus. Still, spending time on the road with Seth was nice, even if the trip was for a really depressing reason.
A few weeks pass by and everything seems to be going okay, at least with Seth and me. He’s even gotten comfortable enough to occasionally hold my hand in public. I didn’t fully grasp how much it bothered me that we couldn’t show we’re together until he finally decided that he wanted to.
We’ve reached this nice, comfortable zone of going to school and hanging out. I even got to meet Callie and have been spending a lot of time with her and Seth. The poor girl is completely heartbroken over Kayden. Not only is he still back in his hometown, but he’s locked up in a facility because his father told the police that the knife wound to his side was self-inflicted. Apparently, Kayden’s been struggling with cutting for a while, so the police believed his father.
“So, what’re your plans for Christmas?” Jenna asks as we walk out of the classroom.
It’s my last class before winter break begins, and even though I don’t hate school, I’m stoked over getting a break. Seth and I are going to spend tonight packing since our flight is tomorrow morning. I’m excited that he’s coming with me. I just hope my parents don’t overwhelm him.
I sling my bag over my shoulder. “I’m actually going back home with Seth.”
“Wow, you guys are getting serious, aren’t you?” Jenna says, putting her purple hair into a side braid.
“Yeah, I guess we are.” I flatten my palm against the exit door, push it open, and enter the winter storm taking over most of the campus yard. “Actually… I… never mind.”
She whirls in front of me, grabbing my arms for support when she almost eats it on the ice. “No way! You have to finish what you were saying.”
“It’s not that big a deal.”
“Yeah, it is. I can tell by the look on your face.”
I sigh, drawing my hood over my head. “I was just going to say that I think I’m going to tell Seth I love him while we’re in Florida. Out on the beach, maybe at sunset.”
“Aw, my Greyson is such a sap.” She grins at me as she presses her hand to her chest. “But it’s sweet… God, I miss that.”
“Miss what?”
“The act of falling in love.” Her eyes light up. “That should totally be the name of my next exhibit.”
“But you’re already in love with Ari.” I make a right toward the parking lot, where I’m supposed to meet Seth by his car.
She follows me, making a path around a tree. “I know, but I think I’ll make it a goal this holiday to re-fall in love with him.” Spotting Ari near one of the benches, she gives me a quick kiss on the cheek and skips off toward him. “Wish me luck!”
“Good luck!’ I call out then pick up the pace when I see Seth’s at his car already, leaning against the hood, waiting for me.
My heart rate quickens as I near him, but the closer I get, the more aware I am that Seth doesn’t appear all that happy.
“I have some bad news,” he says when I reach him. “I can’t go home with you for break.”
My good mood crashes. “Why not?”
He motions for me to get into the car. “I’ll explain after we get out of the God-awful snow storm.” He scowls at the sky then climbs into the car.
I hop in, and he revs the engine before cranking up the heater.
“I need to go home with Callie,” he says as he steers the car down the icy road toward my apartment complex. “Kayden hasn’t talked to her yet, but he’s finally able to have visitors.” He flips on the blinker. “I’m worried about her trying to handle that and her family and Caleb all at the same time.”
I draw the seatbelt over my shoulder. “Wait… Who’s Caleb?”
“The guy who raped her.” He turns the wheel and makes a right down the main road.
“Wait. I’m so lost. He’s still around?”
“Callie never told her family what happened and, unfortunately, they’re pretty clueless about picking up on the fact that their daughter gets extremely uncomfortable every time their son’s friend shows up.”
“That’s so fucked up.” I shake my head in disbelief.
“It really is,” he agrees, gripping onto the wheel. “Which is why I really need to go home with her. Between her family drama and the fact that Kayden won’t even talk to her, she really needs someone there for her.” He gives me a sidelong glance. “I hope you’re not too mad that I have to cancel on the Florida trip.”
“Of course not.” I slide my hand across the console and place it on his thigh. “You’re a good friend, Seth, and I can’t be mad about that.”
“I’m going to miss you, though. Like a lot, a lot. Like pour-my-heart-and-soul-out-to-a-diary kind of missing you.”
“I’m going to miss you, too.” I suddenly realize my grand plans for the big I love you reveal just went to shit. “When are you leaving?”
“That’s the really sucky part. We’re catching a ride with Luke, so we have to leave tonight.” He pulls the car into the apartment complex, parks in front of my building, and turns in his seat toward me. “You have to promise not to get angry when I text you twenty-four seven. I’m super needy like that.”
“I like that you’re super needy.” I glance around, knowing it’s not the beach scene I was planning on, but I’ve been holding my feelings in far too long already. He needs to know how I feel before we part ways for three weeks. “I have to tell you something. I was actually going to tell you while we were in Florida, but I really just need to get it off my chest.” I take an even breath before slipping my fingers through his. “I love you. And I mean, like really fucking love you. I actually have for a while.” I sweep my finger along a scar on the back of his hand. “I’ve never felt this way before.” I wait for him to say something, anything, but he remains quiet. “I’m sorry. That was way bad timing, right?”
He nods, a little dazed. “I don’t know what to say… I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed.”
“You don’t have to say anything.” I reach for the door handle, feeling more awkward than I ever have in my entire life. “Forget I said it.”
“I can’t just forget it,” he says, looking as though his head is spinning. “It just feels like things are moving super fast… I don’t know… I just think I need a break to catch up.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Well, at least call me when you hit the road, okay? And when you get to Callie’s house, too. I want to know you made it there safe.” Feeling like I’ve been punched in the stomach, I shove the door open and climb out of the car.
I don’t know why, but I half-expect him to chase after me. Instead, he pulls away, leaving me feeling as though my heart has been ripped out of my chest.
Chapter 15
Seth
I fucked up. Like really, really fucked up, worse than I ever have. When Greyson said that he loved me, I freaking panicked and clammed up, my voice catching in my throat as I remembered the last time I uttered those words to a guy.
I love Greyson. Deep down, I think I‘ve known it for a while, just like I know now that I never truly loved Braiden. I fooled myself into believing it was love because he was my first boyfriend. But he wasn’t even that, real
ly. Braiden was just a guy I kissed because I thought he was hot.
Yes, Greyson is super fucking hot, but he’s so much more than that. So much more.
God, what the fuck is wrong with me? I told him I need a break when that’s the last damn thing I want. What I need is to be with him completely. I’m just so Goddamn scared to open myself up like that again. Everything’s moving so fast that I can hardly keep up. First we come so close to having sex, something I’ve never done before. Then he tells me that he loves me… I feel dizzy just thinking about it all, but a good kind of dizzy. The kind of dizzy that means deep down, I want what he’s offering me.