Her body registered the fact that she was safe before her mind did. Even before she made a conscious decision to do so, she felt herself sag against his broad chest as her body went boneless and she finally relaxed.
“It’s all right,” Garron rumbled, stroking her hair and back. “Everything is all right. You just had a bad dream.”
“Yes. I…should have warned you I have them from time to time.” She drew away from him a little and swiped at her eyes again. “I’m sorry if I freaked you out. That’s…not the most pleasant way to wake up, I know.”
“It doesn’t sound like whatever happened in the dream was pleasant either.”
“Well, that’s why they call them nightmares, right?” Tess tried to laugh but it came out as more of a sob.
She’d had bad dreams about Pierce ever since she left him. Sometimes he was chasing her and she tried to run but her feet kept getting stuck to the floor. Sometimes he was screaming in her face while she was tied to the bed and she couldn’t shield herself from his angry blows. But this one—this half dream/half memory—was the worst. The one she dreaded the most. Why did it have to be the dream she had the first night she slept in Garron’s arms? Not that they were more than friends or anything but still…The big Kindred probably thought she was crazy now.
“I’m sorry,” she said again, trying to sniff back the tears. “I just…it was a bad one. I should…I think I’ll go sleep on the couch. That way if it comes back I won’t wake you up again.”
“No. Absolutely not.” He took her by the shoulders and looked into her eyes, his face filled with concern in the dim room. “You’re going to stay here with me and tell me about the dream.”
“What? No!” Tess shook her head. “It was nothing—silly. Really, let’s just forget it.”
He frowned.
“My people believe that dreams hold significance—either for the past or the future. This isn’t something to just shrug off, Tess. You need to tell me about it—make me understand so I can help you if it comes back again.”
“Why should you want to help? Why do you care?” she demanded. Planting both palms on his broad chest, she pushed him away, reclaiming her space. “You made a vow to honor your deceased fiancé, remember? And I’m on the run from my psychopath ex. We’ve both got too much baggage to get involved so why bother?”
“Because we’re already involved,” he said in a low voice. “At least, I am. I do not know about you.”
Tess bit her lip, her anger suddenly dying.
“What do you mean?”
“Tess…lin’del…” He took a deep breath. “I have been trying to honor my vow—trying to remember Nella and everything she meant to me for so long that…” He sighed. “Well, I think I lost sight of the present and the future by always looking to the past. She was beautiful and I loved her with all that was in me. But…she is gone. Gone, never to return.”
“I’m sorry,” Tess said, feeling bad. “Sorry for your loss.”
“So am I. But I cannot live in the past forever. You…Tess, you’re here with me now. You’re warm and curvy and beautiful…” His hands described an hourglass in the air. “So damn beautiful it makes me ache to look at you.”
“Oh…” Tess whispered. “I…thank you.”
“I’m only speaking the truth of my heart.” He put a fist to his chest. “I hope it doesn’t frighten or distress you.”
“No, I just…don’t know exactly where you’re going with it,” she said.
“I don’t either.” He spread his hands. “I only know that I want to be with you—to protect you, to shelter you, to hold you. So please…” His deep voice dropped to a gentle tone. “Would you tell me about your dream?”
“I…” Tess sighed. “All right, I will. But you may wish you hadn’t asked. I wasn’t kidding when I said I had a lot of baggage.”
“I’m listening,” he said simply. He went up to the head of the bed, propped a pillow against the antler headboard and leaned back against it. After a moment’s hesitation, Tess followed him.
“I don’t suppose Di told you what finally made me leave Pierce for good?” she asked.
He shook his head. “She said it wasn’t her story to tell.”
“Okay, right. That sounds like Di.”
“Is that what the dream is about? The reason you left?”
Tess nodded. “Yes, and it’s not pretty. God, how can I say this?”
“Just say it,” he murmured. “Just tell me, Tess.”
“All right, fine. You asked for it.” She took a deep breath. “About six months before I left him, Pierce got it into his head that he wanted to start a family…”
* * * * *
Garron listened quietly as she spoke, taking in every word, watching her lovely face for signs of tears. There were none at first—Tess spoke in a clipped, mechanical voice, sounding like the robotic being she had been pretending to be when he first met her at the Pairing House. It was as if she was trying not to feel, trying not to let the past reach out and swallow her whole as she told him her story. Having suffered abuse growing up, Garron completely understood.
“So Pierce wanted a family,” she said, looking down at her hands. “I don’t know why. Maybe he thought a baby would tie me down more—like I could be any more tied down than I was.” She gave a dry, unhappy laugh that hurt Garron’s heart to hear. “I had no say in the matter, of course. Pierce made all the major decisions—even the ones that had to do with me. Especially the ones that had to do with me.”
She paused for a moment and he wondered if he should say something. But it seemed she was just gathering her thoughts—or maybe gathering her courage to tell him more. Instead of speaking, he reached for her hand. Tess looked at him briefly and he was afraid she might pull away. He was ready to let her go if she wanted him to—after everything she had been through he would never hold her against her will. But to his relief, she only froze for a moment…then slowly entwined her fingers with his. Then she went on.
“Anyway, he took my birth control pills—medicine that keeps you from getting pregnant—and flushed them down the toilet. He made me watch,” she said in that same, mechanical voice. “Then he fucked me.”
Garron held his tongue, but with difficulty. He squeezed her fingers briefly and Tess glanced at him again.
“It wasn’t like that,” she said quickly. “It wasn’t rough or anything. It was just…one of my duties. My wifely duties.” She gave that unhappy laugh again. “It didn’t matter how I felt about it—if I was in the mood or not—if I was sick. None of that made a difference. Every night it was the same thing—quarter past nine, time to fuck. Time for Pierce to fuck, anyway. I was supposed to lie there and look at the ceiling and not move or make a sound. I was just a receptacle—just a way for him to get off.”
Garron couldn’t be silent anymore. “But that’s—”
“Wrong? Selfish? Mean? Yeah, all of the above.” Tess sighed. “But that’s the way it was with him.”
“But it’s stupid,” Garron growled. “Why should he be allowed to enjoy the act and not you?”
“Because, according to Pierce, even though a dutiful wife gives it up for her husband every night, only a slut or a whore would actually enjoy it.” She looked down at her hands. “Pierce got so angry if I showed any kind of pleasure at all. Not that it was very pleasurable, lying there getting nailed to the mattress every night but still, I wasn’t allowed to show any emotion. If I did, he…” She cleared her throat and looked away. “He ‘punished’ me.”
“He hit you,” Garron said flatly. “Beat you.” It made sense now—the fear he smelled on her whenever she got aroused. After years of being subject to such abuse, she had doubtless come to associate any outward display of desire or sexual interest with swift and immediate pain.
Tess nodded briefly. “Right. But anyway, we’re getting off the subject.”
Garron squeezed her hand again, trying to keep his face calm though inside he was angry for her—so angry.
The Kindred believed in worshiping a female’s body—in giving pleasure, not just taking it. To every Kindred warrior his mate was a representation of the Goddess—someone to be revered and cherished. And even on his home planet, where touching and holding were forbidden on a day-to-day basis, expressions of love were at least permitted during mating.
It sounded to him like Tess had gotten nothing from her ex-mate—no affection, no pleasure—nothing but pain. Gods, how he wanted to make that male pay…but Tess was talking again and he didn’t want to miss anything she had to say.
“Of course, I got pregnant,” she went on in that same, dry, emotionless voice. “How could I not since he did it to me every night? He didn’t notice at first and I was afraid to tell him. Eventually, though, I started to show…”
Her free hand crept unconsciously to her belly and Garron remembered that had been where she was holding herself when she first woke up crying from the nightmare. He began to have a terrible idea…an inkling of what she was going to tell him. He hoped he was wrong but…
“Tess,” he said in a low voice. “If you don’t want to tell this now…”
“I’m all right.” She looked up at him, her eyes suspiciously bright. “I’ll go on unless you’d rather I stopped.”
Garron looked into her eyes—large, dark, pools of pain—and knew she needed to speak. That she had to get it out—no matter how hard it was for her to tell or for him to hear.
“Go on,” he said gravely. “I wish to hear whatever you would tell. I won’t interrupt you again.”
“Thank you.” She looked away but squeezed his fingers tightly. “When I finally told him—told Pierce I was…” She swallowed hard. “That I was expecting, he went crazy with jealousy. He had this idea that the baby wasn’t his even though there was no way it couldn’t be. He literally controlled every aspect of my life. Even if I had wanted to cheat—which I didn’t—there were absolutely no opportunities. No way for the baby to be anyone else’s but his.”
“But he wouldn’t believe you,” Garron said softly.
She shook her head. “No. He wouldn’t believe me. He got angrier and angrier and then he…he…” The hand at her belly curled into a fist. “He punched me. Here.”
Garron felt his heart thump painfully at the broken sound in her voice. She couldn’t maintain the distance between herself and the painful memory—that much was clear. A single tear slipped down her cheek and she brushed it away with trembling fingers.
“Tess…” he whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion. His eyes were stinging and his chest felt tight. He longed to comfort her but he didn’t know if she would let him.
“I lost it, of course. I never…never even knew if it as a boy or a…a girl,” she whispered. Another tear slipped down her cheek and this time she let it go.
“Tess,” he murmured again, unable to say anything else. He couldn’t help himself any longer—he pulled her to him, pressing his face into her hair to breathe her in. He was afraid she would push him away but after a moment, she hugged him back. The scent of her grief—bitter and slightly sweet, like funeral flowers, filled the air. “I’m sorry,” he whispered against her neck. “So sorry. If only there was something I could do.”
“There’s nothing. It’s over.” She pulled back from him and blotted her tears on the back of her hand. “At least it gave me the courage to leave him for good.”
“And then I sent you right back to him. Sent you back to that son of a bitch. That…” Garron shook his head, unable to finish. He couldn’t find words strong enough to express his rage against the male who had hurt her so horribly.
“Garron, honey, please don’t think like that. I told you I didn’t blame you for anything and anyway, you healed me.”
“But I should have been with you before.” He scrubbed a hand over his face fiercely. “Why wasn’t I? Why didn’t I start dreaming of you when you needed me? Why couldn’t I save you?”
He tried to keep his face blank, his voice under control but inside he was seething. Enraged. He couldn’t turn back the clock but at least he could avenge her pain—take vengeance for her loss. He wanted to punish the bastard who had put that broken look on her face, who had hurt her so badly for so long.
Inside him the dr’gin, which had been dozing contentedly after their encounter earlier, now woke with a roar. It agreed with Garron—vengeance must be had! It was ready to come out right now and do whatever had to be done.
Careful! whispered the rational part of his brain in a voice that was growing fainter by the minute. Pierce isn’t here for you to punish. If you change now, if you let the dr’gin out, you’ll only kill the very female you want to avenge.
But the voice of reason was faint…unimportant. The dr’gin roared within him again, insisting that it had to come out!
No! No—back! Down! Garron thought at it fiercely. He took a deep breath and then another and another, trying to push back the rage and sorrow Tess’s story stirred in him. Control—he had to regain control!
Suddenly he felt her small hand stroking his arm.
“Garron—honey? Are you okay?” Her voice sounded really worried.
“I am…” The words came out in an animalistic growl and he had to clear his throat and try again. “I am fine,” he assured her, though it wasn’t really true.
She frowned. “You sure don’t look fine. Your eyes are glowing like search lights and you’re breathing like you just ran a marathon.”
“Forgive me.” Garron put his head in his hands and took more deep breaths, his chest heaving. “It’s just…your story made me so sad and so…so angry. The other inside me—my dr’gin—wants to come out and rip that abusive bastard apart. I’m trying to tell it that he’s not here—that there’s nothing we can do right now—but it’s not…not listening.”
“I heard you tell your brother this morning that your dr’gin uh, liked me,” she said in a soft voice.
Garron nodded. “It does seem to—it certainly feels very protective of you. As do I. But…” He glanced at her briefly. “But I do not think that would stop it from harming you if I allowed it to come out. I cannot take that risk.”
“But—”
He stood up abruptly and stepped away from the bed. “Excuse me. I need to go outside. If I can’t…can’t hold it back, then I need to be as far from you as possible when I transform.”
“No, wait!” To his surprise, Tess jumped up and threw her arms around his neck. “Don’t go,” she pleaded. “We backed it down before—we can do it again!”
“I shouldn’t…shouldn’t take the risk,” Garron protested. But already he could feel his blood burning a bit less, just because her arms were around him and she was touching his skin.
“It’s not a risk,” she insisted. “Let me help you, Garron. I’m the one who made you so upset, so I should be the one to help calm you down.”
Her offer was tempting—damn near impossible to refuse—but Garron didn’t want to force her into doing anything she didn’t want to do.
“No,” he said gently, trying to pull her arms from around his neck. “I can’t ask you to do anything like…what you did earlier just to appease my other. It’s not your duty to help me or service me in any way for any reason.” He would be damned if he’d treat her like Pierce had, even if the alternative meant leaving the cabin to let his dr’gin out and possibly never regaining his other form again.
“I don’t see it like that,” she protested, refusing to be pushed away. “It’s something I want to do. I want to…to help you.” Suddenly, she pressed her mouth to his in a kiss so unexpected and so passionate, it took his breath away.
Garron hardly knew what to do at first but then he couldn’t help reacting—couldn’t help kissing her back. Her lips were so soft…so sweet and the body pressed against his was so lush and curvy. He felt an instant rush of blood to his cock and he couldn’t stop himself from crushing her to him and running his hands up and down her luscious curves. Gods, she felt so perfect in hi
s arms…so right.
Yet even as he kissed her back, he tasted salt on her lips—the remains of her tears. Slowly, he pulled away.
“I can’t, Tess,” he muttered hoarsely. “I can’t—not after what you’ve been through tonight. Not after what you told me. I’d want…” He looked away, unable to meet her eyes. “I’d want more than before. I’d want to touch…not just be touched. And I don’t want you to fear me.”
“I won’t,” she whispered. “And I can do this as long… as long as I’m helping you. I…” She shook her head. “I can’t explain it any better than that, I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t make sense.”
It did, though—in a convoluted way.
“I think I understand,” he murmured. “As long as what we’re doing is necessary—not just for pleasure—”
“Exactly.” She nodded, looking relieved. “You do understand.”
Garron did. She wanted this—wanted it as much as he did—but she was afraid to want it. Unless she was doing something to help him—fulfilling a duty, as it were. If that was the case, then she could relax—could tell herself that any pleasure she got from anything she did, or had done to her, wasn’t her fault.
It was a strange, twisted, round-about way of thinking but having grown up in a family where abuse was a daily occurrence, he understood it. He was familiar with the justifications, the inner monologues, the guilt and secrecy and lying—even to yourself—just to make getting by a little bit easier. It might have seemed strange to an outsider but if this was what Tess needed to make physical love between them work for her, he was more than willing to give it.
Still, he wanted to be absolutely certain.
“Tess,” he murmured softly, cupping her cheek. “Are you sure? After what you just told me…the pain you just relived…”
“That’s what makes me certain.” She brushed away a tear and looked at him determinedly. “I want to help you, Garron. I need to help you. But maybe…maybe you could help me too. Help me forget. Or at least, put it out of my mind.”