She opens her mouth to me, and I swear her taste is a drug. An aphrodisiac. Nothing and no one in my entire life has ever turned me on as much as she does. Just that small taste sweeps through me, lighting up my every nerve ending, and I feel it all over. In my muscles. In my bones. Every single part of me reacts to her.
“I love you,” I tell her, too overwhelmed with it to even give a shit that I just blurted it out like an idiot. Her hands grip my shoulders tightly, and she drags her mouth away, pushing back to gape at me. “I know it's way too fucking soon. I know we haven't known each other that long, and there's still so much we have to learn about each other. I get that. I keep telling myself that it's not possible this fast, that I'm crazy for thinking it, but everything in me, every fiber of my being tells me that's wrong. Tells me that I love you so damn much it hurts.”
“Wilder—”
“I'm not asking you to say it back. And I really hope this won't scare you off. But I can't pretend that every time I touch you or see you, I'm not thinking it. Every second we spend apart, my body is practically shouting it. I love you, Kalli. And that's why you're not going to lose me.”
A tear slips over her cheek, trailing fast over her skin. I blink, thinking maybe I'm seeing things. But then there's a second and a third.
“Sweet, why are you crying? Damn it. Just tell me how to fix whatever this is.”
She shakes her head, and her hands leave my shoulders to flatten against my chest.
“I love you, too.”
The heater suddenly sounds like a roar in my ears, and I shake my head, trying to be certain I heard her correctly.
“You do?”
She nods, tears still streaking steadily over her face.
I exhale, almost laughing. “Then why are you crying?”
“Because … because I don't how to love you. I've never done that, and I don't know how to do it without ruining something.”
I gather her close to me, winding one arm around her middle and slipping the other up her back to palm the nape of her neck.
“There are no rules for how to love someone. We'll both make mistakes. We'll say or do the wrong thing. We won't always have the answers. But you keep loving anyway.”
She doesn't look appeased by that. I kiss the corner of her mouth, then the other side.
“It's the easiest thing I've ever done. Loving you. Stop worrying about how this is going to play out down the road. It's this moment that matters. Love me right now. Love me tomorrow. And the next day. The future isn't written in stone. We decide it. Choose to love me every second. We'll choose that together. The rest will all fall into place.”
Her eyes flick back and forth around my face, and I know she wants to agree with me. So I give her another reason. Yanking her mouth closer to mine, I crush our lips together, feeding every bit of passion and longing and things too big to name into our connection. She sighs against me, chasing my tongue back in my mouth, and my body clenches at the feel.
The need to feel her skin, to touch more of her, crashes over me, and I start with her scarf. Tugging at the complicated twists and knots, I try to keep kissing her, but my fingers can’t figure out how to undo the damn fabric. Laughing against my mouth, Kalli reaches up to help, loosening and removing the thing in a matter of pulls. She tosses it into her empty seat, and I'm transfixed by the skin she's uncovered. Her long, smooth neck gives way to the plateau of her collarbone. The shirt she's wearing is a plain v-neck, but it dips low enough to reveal the luscious curves of her breasts. And from my vantage point above her, I can see the center of a black and white bra and a tiny bow that lies in the valley of her chest. I was already hard against her hip, but now the last of the blood still circulating in my body seems to rush south to my cock. I'm so turned on, I can barely think straight.
I drop my mouth to her neck, licking and sucking and biting the sensitive skin there. She arches her back, and I use my hands to encourage her further, leaning into her until her shoulders rest against the door. She's cradled sideways in my lap, and God knows I'd love to have her straddling me so I could feel the heat of her rocking against me. But this position has its merits too. She's completely opened up like this, her body laid out over me in a way that enables me to touch her anywhere. I start at her waist, slipping a hand beneath her shirt to touch the warm skin of her stomach. Her skin jumps a little at my touch, and I wonder if my hands are cold. I kiss her again in apology, and with our tongues still tangled, slide my hand up. I dance over her ribcage, tracing the delicate architecture of her bones. She wiggles in my lap, shying away from my hand as though it tickles, but then pushing back against me for more.
I drag my fingers just below the bottom of her bra, and she kisses me harder, one hand clutched at my neck, and the other braced tight against the steering wheel. She's so fucking responsive. I've barely even touched her, and she's moving against me like she's on the edge of coming already. When her teeth catch on my bottom lip and pull, I groan and give in to the need to touch her further. I cover the cup of her bra, lifting and squeezing the flesh encased beneath. She cries out, releasing her grip on my bottom lip, but it's not enough for me. I reach up a little farther, tugging the strap off her shoulder enough that I can fold the cup down to reveal bare skin.
I can't see her tits beneath her shirt, but I know from memory how fucking perfect they are. Full and heavy with dark tight nipples, one of which is currently pebbled against my palm. Her skin is blisteringly hot, and I know my fingers are still cold as I pull at the peak. She whimpers against my mouth, her kiss going slack as I tighten the pressure. I drop my head lower, dragging my tongue over the cleavage I can reach above her shirt, and then use my nose to push the fabric aside so I can replace my fingers with my mouth.
She bucks in my lap, her hips lifting up and then slamming back down as I suck that tight little bud into my mouth. I drag my hand out from her shirt and cup between her thighs instead. She arches up into me at the same time that her fingers tangle and pull tightly at my hair.
“Wilder, oh yes.” She breathes hard and fast above me, and I don't slow down my touches. Instead, I draw more of her sensitive flesh into my mouth and press harder against the juncture of her thighs. She squeezes her legs tight around my wrist, keeping me from doing much beyond rubbing the heel of my hand against her clit through the fabric of her jeans.
Nearby, a car honks, its lights flashing, and I force my head up long enough to see a group of people moving toward their car, having just unlocked it remotely. Damn. They'll end up too close to us not to notice. I'm painfully hard, and judging by the fact that Kalli didn't even notice the honk, I know she's close. But there's no time. I pull on her bra strap, jerking it back into place and dragging her shirt up too.
She whines in disapproval, and I pull her up to a sitting position, kissing her quickly on the mouth.
“Sorry, sweet. There are people coming.”
Kalli blinks at me, her eyes hooded and dark. She bites her lip, and I can see her considering kissing me again anyway. If she does, I'll go with it. People or not. I can’t resist her. Then her eyes flick off to the side in the direction of the car, and her shoulders slump. She starts to shift off my lap, but not before placing her mouth at my ear. Her hot breath fans against the sensitive shell, and she whispers, “Take me home. Fast. Please. I need you.”
I groan, and my vision actually goes a little dark around the edges when she places a final sucking kiss just below my ear. She crawls over into the other seat, and as soon as she's got the seatbelt clicked in, I've got us in reverse.
“My place or yours?”
“Mine is closer.”
Fuck yes. She lives up by campus, only a couple miles away. But it’s New Year’s and the traffic downtown is out of control. There are so many cars driving around the garage looking for a spot that it takes us five minutes to get out onto the road. I tighten my fists on the wheel, glancing over at her as we get stopped at our second stoplight.
I reach over and gr
ab her hand, pulling it up to my mouth because I need to be touching her. I kiss the back, and one by one nip at her fingers before soothing them with a kiss.
“Wilder,” she whispers, and I smother a groan against her hand.
“We’re not far.”
She shifts restlessly in her seat, squeezing her thighs together.
“God, I wish I were touching you right now,” I breathe.
She smiles dazedly. “You are.”
“No, Sweet. I wish I were really touching you. If I could drive and have my fingers buried inside you at the same time, I would.”
Her whole body tightens in response to my words. Her hand squeezes around mine, her lips purse tightly together, and her legs and her chest draw closer to each other for a moment.
“Please drive faster.”
“You could touch you for me.”
“Wilder.”
I’m really starting to like that exasperated, greedy way she says my name.
“Just until I get you home. You could tell me how it feels.”
She slumps a little lower in her seat and looks up at me from beneath her lashes. Her fingers clench into a fist around the seatbelt. “Do you want me to do that?”
Her voice is breathy. Soft. But I feel it like a hurricane. And I’m immensely proud when I manage to say evenly,“Only if you want to.”
We finally get past the bulk of the downtown traffic at the same time that she lets go of my hand to undo the top button on her jeans. The speed limit is thankfully only thirty miles per hour, so I have an excuse to go slow enough that I can glance over at her every few seconds. I hear the metallic whine of her zipper, and sweat is already beading on my skin. That could have something to do with the fact that the heater is still on full blast, but I can’t wrap my head around the simple act of reaching over and turning it off. The only thing in my head right now is watch Kalli, check the road, check your speed, watch Kalli, turn here, go straight, watch Kalli.
Her jeans prohibit me from actually seeing anything as she slips her hand beneath the fabric, but I can hear her intake of breath as she makes contact with her skin. That alone is enough to make me feel strangled inside my jeans.
“You there, baby?”
She nods shakily.
“Tell me what you feel.”
She bites her lip.
“You know I’m going to have my mouth there soon, so no need to be shy.”
She exhales. “Hot. damp.”
“Damp or wet?”
“Wet. Really wet.”
I nearly miss the turn onto Kalli’s street, and the wheels squeal as I push on the brakes and veer to the left. Kalli grabs onto my forearm with her free hand, her eyes still squeezed shut.
“Almost there,” I say.
“Me too.”
Shit.
I take her hand from my forearm, lifting it up to my mouth to swirl my tongue against her sensitive palm. She moans. “Get there, sweet. Press a little harder.” Her movements quicken, and I slow my speed as we approach her apartment complex. I kiss her pulse point and then drag my teeth against her wrist. She arches her back away from the seat gasping, and I know she’s right there.
“You are so beautiful,” I breathe, turning slowly into her parking lot. “We’re so close. I might die before we get inside your apartment because you are so damn incredible. Come on, Kalli. I love you. Let go for me.”
Her hips roll, lifting up to meet her touch, her movements frantic now, and then she goes completely still, her legs drawing up and together, her back arched. The only thing moving is her mouth as she struggles to breathe through her orgasm. She settles back into the seat, eyes still closed as I pull into a parking spot.
I swear I get almost as much pleasure from watching her as I would if I’d been right there with her. Almost. As fast as I can with a near-painful hard on, I turn off the SUV and jump out of the door. When I make it to Kalli’s side, she’s half-heartedly fumbling with the door handle.
I pull it open for her, and reminiscent of the first night we spent together, I lift her straight into my arms and move as quickly as I can for her door. She loops an arm around my neck and laughs quietly, and I can’t even be embarrassed by my impatience.
“Put me down.”
I grunt my answer.
“Wilder, I need to get my keys out of my purse.”
Begrudgingly, I lower her to her feet a little ways from her front door. She has a small purse dangling from her free hand, and she lets go of me to unzip it and begin searching. I move behind her, placing my hands on her perfect hips and kissing her neck while she looks. She leans back into me, sighing.
“You're distracting me.”
“Not sorry,” I mumble into her skin.
Finally, a jingle lets me know she found her keys, and she steps forward out of my embrace to unlock the door. I follow her into the dark room, tugging her back against my chest again as her purse thumps to the floor. I reach for her jacket, helping her out of it and dropping it on the floor too. I shed my own just as quickly, and grab for her again. I miss, and she flips on the light next to the door. I stalk forward to press her against the wall, but she thrusts a hand against my chest and our eyes meet.
“Wait.”
She looks too much like she did outside that bathroom at the bar. Her eyes too wild. Her body too stiff. And just like then, her hand pushes hard at my chest, holding me off.
“What is it?” God, it actually hurts not knowing what's going on in her head.
“I need to ask a favor of you.”
Not what I expected to hear. “A favor?”
Her touch lightens against my chest, allowing me just a tiny bit closer.
“Well, favor might not be the right word. It's more of a request.”
“Anything.”
She takes a deep breath, and her dark eyes search my face for a moment before she adds, “I need you not to touch me.”
My spine turns to steel, and my eyes narrow. Not touch her? That was the exact opposite of everything I wanted to do.
“What I mean is … if we're going to do this, I need you to let me be in control.”
Her expression is guarded, careful. I blink a few times, trying to wrap my head around this. We'd been in bed together before. We might not have had sex, but she hadn't shown any inclination then that she wanted or needed to be dominant. If anything, it was the opposite. I could still remember joking about tying her to my bed so she wouldn't run away. Her reaction had been instantaneous. She'd liked the idea. So then why now did she seem to be asking for the opposite?
“I don't understand. You want to …” I wasn't even sure how to put it into words.
“Just this first time.”
Clenching my teeth, I can't make any sense of what she's thinking.
I push forward against her hand, and she lets me. She doesn't drop the barrier completely, but I get almost close enough to kiss her.
“Tell me what you're thinking. I hate not understanding you.”
She tilts her chin up to better look me in the eye, and our mouths are an inch apart.
“I have—there's something …” She trails off, shaking her head and then trying again, “I can't explain it. But for this first time, for my sake, I need to always feel like I can pull away. Like I can stop it.”
I stiffen, and on gut reaction alone, I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her tight against me.
“Kalli, I would never force you. Never make you do anything you didn't want to do.”
She lifts a hand to my face, running her fingers along my forehead and then my cheek, making a quiet shushing noise. “I know. I don't think that.”
“Then why …” Oh Christ. My heart clenches. “Did something happen to you?”
“It's not that either. I need you to trust me. I'm okay. I just need it to be this way the first time.”
I don't like it. Not one bit. And it has nothing to do with who's dominant and who's not. I don't like that there's a piece of her, somethi
ng this big, that I don't know. I can feel the absence of it in my chest, of all the things she hasn't told me, and they burn like bullets stuck underneath the skin.
“You know I'll give you anything you want, do anything you want. But can't you tell me why?”
She lifts up onto her tiptoes, kissing me lightly on the mouth. “I love you.”
I wait for her to say something else, but it appears that's the only answer I'm getting. I sigh and drop my forehead against hers. She plucks one of my arms from around her waist and laces our fingers together.
“Come with me.”
I follow. But the frantic need I felt to have her is buried under worry. There's something wrong. I know there is. She's afraid, and it's shredding me inside that she won't let me do anything about it.
She nudges the door to her bedroom with her foot, but doesn't turn the light on. There's just enough residual light coming in through the window from the street light outside to make her bed visible. It's neatly made, a deep plum color, the headboard a design of curved and curled metal. She pulls me closer to it, and then nudges me to sit down.
“I'll be right back, okay?”
I don't say anything, and she leans down to crush her mouth against mine. Her lips are hard, almost desperate, and a few seconds later I get pulled into the kiss, unable to resist. Her hands thread through my hair, yanking slightly as she steps between my legs. I grip her thighs, needing to feel grounded in her after the confusing request she'd made in the living room. Her mouth moves faster, exhaling a few tiny moans against me when I drag my hands up to cup her ass.
She pulls away, breathing heavy, and says, “I will be right back.”
She leaves the room and I hear another door open and close before running water follows. The bathroom. I suck in a breath, trying to shake off the anxiety still clinging to me. Needing something to do, I bend to untie my boots, kicking them off when they're loose enough.
Well, damn. That took all of fifteen seconds.
I shuck off my socks too, tucking them inside my boots and throwing them close to the foot of the bed. I drum my fingers against my knee for the moment, and then decide to go ahead and pull off my shirt, tossing it on the floor too. It's not like I don't know where this is heading. But I still feel … hesitant. What if she doesn't really want to do this? What if she's just doing it because she knows I want to, and that's the reason for … everything? I sigh, scrubbing my palms over my face in frustration.