"I'm down here, hon. Everything okay?"
She held her breath. Please say yes.
"Sure," Jill said, smiling from the top of the stairs.
Kara exhaled.
Jill said, "But who's Janine?"
Biting back a scream, Kara fought off the blackness that crowded the edges of her vision and forced herself up the stairs.
"Wh-where did you heard that name?"
"You okay, Mom?'
"Just tell me!"
"I read it. Mom, what's wrong?"
"Where? In the bathroom?"
"No. In my bedroom."
Kara brushed past her alarmed daughter and hurried to the bedroom at the far end of the hall. She burst through the door and didn't notice anything at first. Then she saw the thin letters sliced into the wall above Jill's bed.
Kara couldn't hold it in any longer. She stood in the doorway and screamed.
▼
6:50 A.M.
They made it to the New Jersey Turnpike in record time.
After Kara had calmed herself and soothed a very frightened and mystified Jill, she called Dr. Gates. He wasn't available yet, according to the answering service. Kara couldn't wait. She had to get away from the farm, away from those words carved in the wall above Jill's bed. She threw some clothes in a couple of suitcases, loaded the car, and fled for New York.
As she drove, she could not escape the vague, ominous feeling that she was heading toward even worse trouble. She laid that off to her long-time aversion to New York, and the cruel irony of having to run for help to the city she loathed.
Along the way, Kara pulled into every rest stop she saw and called Dr. Gates' number. It wasn't until the Adm. Wm. Halsey Plaza near Newark Airport that she reached him.
"Strange things are happening," she told him. "Frightening things."
Dr. Gates' voice conveyed all the concern of a man inquiring about a train schedule.
"What, for instance?"
She didn't want to talk about them now, and she didn't want him to put off seeing her.
"I'm only half an hour from the city. I'll tell you when I get there. When can you see me?"
"Well… my schedule is already filled, perhaps I can—"
"It's got to be today. If you can't squeeze me in, perhaps you can recommend someone."
Kara didn't want to see anyone else, but she sensed Dr. Gates would never send her to a rival.
"Well, since you seem to think this is an emergency, perhaps I can add you on at the end of the schedule. Please be at my office at five."
"I'll be there."
She hung up, feeling a little better. The foreboding still clung to her like a shroud, but at least she was doing something about whatever was happening to her. She had taken the first step toward beating this. And she would beat it. Kara had structured her life so as to maximize her autonomy. No one controlled her. No one ever would.
Especially not something or someone who called herself "Janine."
▼
10:29 A.M.
Rob recognized her voice immediately. It gave an instant lift to an otherwise dreary Monday.
"Kara! What's up? How's the farm?"
"It's fine," she said. She sounded subdued. "Rob, there's something I've got to ask you."
Rob glanced around the squad room. His desk was situated near its center, surrounded by everybody else's. He wished he had more privacy, but the enclosed office went to the lieutenant. It didn't matter much at the moment. Karpinsky and Reddington were in the corner, arguing animatedly with Rob's partner, Augustino Manetti; Madsen and Carter were at their own desks, banging out reports on their typewriters. There was enough racket to cover his end of the conversation.
"Sure. Go ahead."
"You were with me on Thursday in Dr. Gates office when he hypnotized me, right?"
"Right."
"Were you with me all the time? I mean, did you ever leave the room?"
"Not for a second. Gates did. He left to get some files. But I never budged from my chair."
"So he didn't plant any post-hypnotic suggestions in me then, right?"
Rob was becoming concerned now. And he could tell Kara was upset.
"Kara, what's this all about?"
"A couple of weird things happened over the weekend."
A wavelet of nausea rolled through Rob's stomach.
"What sort of things?"
"I don't want to talk about it now. But you're sure nothing happened while I was hypnotized? No one named 'Janine' spoke from me?"
"Gates kept calling for 'Janine' to speak, but she never did. Only when he called you 'Kara' did you answer him. You just looked like you were asleep the whole time, except when…"
"When what?"
The sight of Kara turning her head and looking at him with that awful grin flashed before his eyes.
"When you looked at me and smiled."
"I didn't say anything?"
"No. It was when Gates was out of the room. You just… smiled."
Calling that grimace a smile was like calling a rabid wolf a puppy, but he didn't want to upset her more than she already was, not if it wasn't going to change anything.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't think anything of it." I didn't want to think anything of it. "How bad is this, Kara?"
There was a long pause, then a tremulous sigh, then:
"I may have the same thing as Kelly."
Rob gripped the phone with muscle-cramping intensity.
"Where are you? I'm coming to get you."
"I'm okay, Rob. I'm handling it. I've got an appointment with Dr. Gates at five. I'm going to start treatment with him right away."
"I'll meet you there and sit in like before."
"No. Thanks, but that won't be necessary this time."
"I don't trust him, Kara."
"I've got to start trusting him now. I don't have any choice."
"There are plenty of shrinks in the city."
"But he's already familiar with this case. I'll have to start from scratch with anybody else."
She made sense, but Rob still didn't like it.
"Okay. Call me when you're through. Let me know what he says."
"Rob—"
"I care, Kara. Dammit, I still care. I don't want anything bad happening to you."
"Thanks, Rob," she said in a smaller voice. "That helps. I'll call."
After hanging up, Rob checked his watch. He wondered if he could get to talk to Doc Winters today. He wanted to clear up a couple of questions about Lazlo Gati.
▼
5:06 P.M.
"You can go in now," the receptionist said.
It was a replay of last Thursday, only this time Kara was alone. She had left Jill at Aunt Ellen's for the afternoon. The poor kid wasn't sure what was happening, she just knew it wasn't good. Kara would have loved to have been able to explain everything to her, but how? She had told her that she wasn't feeling well and had come to New York to see a doctor who could help her. Jill wanted details but Kara had managed to avoid them. For now.
Kara had called Marge, her supervisor at the hospital, to explain her absence. She still had some time off coming to her and was going to have to use up what was left. Marge didn't sound too happy. She told Kara that if she couldn't do the job, they'd have to find somebody else. Kara had hung up with the feeling that the world was closing in on her. She didn't need this extra pressure, not with her mind playing tricks on her and her book falling farther and farther behind schedule.
Dr. Gates was behind his desk as usual. His blue oxford shirt picked up the blue of his eyes. His light brown tie was almost the same sandy shade of his wavy hair and mustache. His expression was as neutral as ever.
He motioned her toward a chair.
"Have a seat, Miss Wade, and tell me all about the 'strange things' that have been happening to you."
Kara gave him a brief description of the weekend's unsettling incidents, from her soiled feet on Saturday mornin
g to the message carved over Jill's bed. Dr. Gates listened in silence, twirling that key ring on his finger. When she finished, he rose from the desk and walked to the window. His expression was troubled when he turned back to her.
"I was afraid of this."
"Of what? Tell me what's happening. That's why I'm here."
"Isn't it obvious? Janine—your second personality. She's no longer dormant."
"That's just it: It's too obvious, and too bizarre. I can't buy that. I can't buy Janine's existence."
Dr. Gates returned to his high-backed swivel chair behind the desk. His face was once again impassive.
"Denial is your first hurdle on the road to recovery. You must get over that before we can start meaningful therapy."
"But isn't there another explanation? Couldn't I be doing this to myself in some way? I mean, it's such a coincidence that you should tell me about Kelly's second personality and the possibility of my having one called Janine, and then wham, Janine starts writing on walls. It's all a little too facile."
"You're overlooking the hypnosis session," Dr. Gates said gravely. "I was against it from the beginning but you insisted. I warned you it was dangerous. I warned you it might awaken something best left dormant. It appears I was right."
Dr. Gates' smugness would have infuriated Kara under different circumstances, but the sick dread seeping through her now left little room for anything else.
"But two sisters with multiple personalities… it sounds so far fetched."
"On the surface, yes. But not quite so far fetched when you consider the specifics of your case: two genetically identical children subjected simultaneously to identical trauma. Given those circumstances, is it so outlandish to suppose that the psychological defense mechanisms would also be identical?" He ticked points off on his fingers "Same genes, same trauma, same response. It is logical."
Kara was numb.
"When do we start therapy?" she said.
"Today, if you wish."
"I wish. What kind of therapy?"
"Just let me worry about that," he said with a small, condescending smile.
The sudden surge of anger within her energized Kara. Anything was better than feeling afraid.
"I am not an idiot, Dr. Gates. If this is going to work I have to know what's going on. I am not a child and will not be led through the dark by the hand."
He stared at her a while before answering.
"Very well. I plan to use free association at the start. I'll have you lay back in the recliner and begin talking off the top of your head about your childhood. I'll be searching for what we refer to as 'blocked' areas. When I have identified a pattern of blocks, I will put you under hypnosis and try to unblock those areas. If I'm successful, you will then begin the most difficult part of the therapy: you will have to face the painful memories you have repressed since childhood."
"And that will do it?"
"Theoretically, yes. Once the repressed memories are free, once you have dealt with them emotionally and intellectually as Kara, there will be no more need for Janine. She will either go dormant permanently or cease to exist."
It sounded sensible to Kara. She felt the first stirrings of hope.
"Let's get to it."
"There's something else you should know," he said, holding up a hand. "It will not be as easy as it sounds. It will take a long time, perhaps years, during which you will come to hate me, call me an incompetent, a charlatan, and want to quit. But you must have faith. You must stay with the therapy."
A cold lump of fear formed again in Kara's throat.
"Years? You mean I've got to spend years wondering whether I'm going to turn into this other person who writes on walls and God knows what else?"
He shook his head and pulled a pad from the top drawer of his desk.
"We can do something about that. Your second personality appears to be adopting a pattern of activity similar to your sister's: Janine takes over only when you are in periods of lighter sleep."
That was a relief.
"Then I'm safe during the day."
"For now.
"What does that mean?"
" 'Kara' is your primary personality, the dominant one, the personality through which you deal with the workaday world. This is a strongly entrenched, well-integrated, adult personality that has no need for 'Janine.' So 'Kara' remains in the driver seat while 'Janine,' the relatively minor personality, remains in the passenger seat. She has been dormant for a quarter century or so and hasn't the power to push 'Kara' aside and take over—except when 'Kara' is asleep. But the more time she logs in control, the stronger she will become. And some day she may well be able to assert dominance any time she wishes."
Kara fought the horror crawling through her. Not to be in control… to be dominated by a stranger, even if it was of her own creation…
"What can I do?"
"It's what we can do: suppress her. Don't give her time in the driver seat. That's why I'm prescribing something that will keep both you and 'Janine' asleep all night."
He handed her the slip. It was for thirty Halcion tablets.
"You prescribed these for Kelly. They obviously didn't help her too much."
Dr. Gates' smile was small and bitter.
"Your sister wouldn't take them if she had to work the next day. She said they made her groggy in the morning. Which they might."
Groggy in the morning … a small price to pay for controlling Janine. Kara held up the prescription.
"Guaranteed to work?"
"Nothing is guaranteed in psychiatry. But they will give you an edge. Take one every night, Miss Wade."
Kara folded the slip and dropped it in her purse. She nodded toward the recliner.
"Shall we get started?"
▼
6:26 P.M.
"Hey lady!" Rob called from his car window as he saw Kara come out of the medical arts building. "Need a ride?"
She glanced at him with a get-lost look, then her face relaxed into a smile. A worn, tired smile, but a smile nonetheless. She came over to the car. "How long have you been waiting here?" It had been an hour. He hadn't been able to see Doc Winters today, so he'd set it up for tomorrow. He'd got here around five thirty and had begun to fear he'd missed her.
"Too long. Get in. I'll drive you where you're going."
She got in the other side, leaned back against the head rest, and closed her eyes. She looked beat. Rob reached over and squeezed her hand. She didn't pull away.
"Tough day?" he said.
She nodded. "You wouldn't believe."
"Want to tell me about it over a drink?"
She opened her eyes and looked at him.
"A drink would be nice."
He didn't want to take her to Leo's so he found a restaurant on Eighth and parked by the fire hydrant. The place had upscale decor with lots of neon in the window, the kind of place that could charge twenty-five bucks for portions that wouldn't feed a toddler. But it was nearly empty so they got a table near the rear. No menus, just drinks. Rob ordered a scotch, Kara had a chablis.
She was reticent, but slowly he drew the events of the weekend out of her. It was chilling. Those words carved over Jill's bed gave him the creeps.
He said, "I think you did the right thing, getting out of there. I only wish you had someone else as a doctor."
"You keep saying that. Do you know something about Dr. Gates that I don't?"
"Nothing bad. Everyone I talk to says he's tops. I just don't like him."
"Neither do I. He's got all the warmth of an earthworm. Not the sort you look forward to spending an hour a day, three days a week with."
"That often?"
"Monday-Wednesday-Friday. He's going to jump me into heavy therapy at first to see if we can get a quick response. As I said, he's not Dr. Warmth, but if he knows his stuff and can get me through this, then he's the one I should be with."
"I guess so. I just—"