“Your sister said you were incapable of being with only one person and loving anyone who wasn’t family.”
“I don’t give a fuck what Kristi said. If you hadn’t noticed, whatever bullshit she said is already moot since I’ve been with you! I am perfectly capable of loving someone; I’ve just never wanted to love anyone until I met you. You’re the one who doesn’t believe in love, which is why I haven’t said anything about loving you until now. But now I’m betting that’s not even the case. It’s not that you don’t believe in it, it’s that you’re afraid of loving someone after Rhys because he broke your heart.”
She didn’t respond, but I took the look in her eyes as a confirmation.
“People get hurt, Kennedy. That’s life. If you were to go back with your husband, would I be hurt? Yes. I can’t even begin to tell you what it would do to me. But I wouldn’t spend the rest of my goddamn life shielding myself from loving someone again, or letting them love me.” I searched her dark blue eyes for another minute, then continued, “Now, I need to know if you’re going to hurt me, or if you’re going to finally let yourself love again, and be loved by me. I’m letting you know now that I won’t take anything less from you this time, Kennedy. Not after everything we’ve gone through just to get to this point.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t know what to think or feel about Rhys being here, but I am terrified of losing you, Liam.”
“No matter how much I hate saying this, it has to be him or me.”
“I can’t lose you!” she cried, but the way she said it left me waiting for what would come next.
“But?” I prompted, and she shook her head.
“But I married him. I promised him forever, and even though I want to, I can’t blame him for his reasons for breaking his promise and leaving me four years ago. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about my vows to him now that he’s back. This would be hard enough if I didn’t have you, but I do. Trying to decide between what’s right, and figuring out what I want, is tearing me apart, Liam.”
“Well, this isn’t a game where you can pick and choose who you want on each day, Kennedy. Like I said, it can only be him or me at the end of this if you even decide to choose one of us. It’s tearing you apart. I get it. I can assure you that Rhys and I feel the exact same way waiting for you to decide. I’m not leaving you, but I can’t be physically with you while you make your decision. So I’m going to step back so you can have time to figure things out without me pressuring you to make the decision or choose me. Because no matter how much I want to, fighting for you is only going to confuse you more. Not only am I not about to do that to you, but I’m sure as hell not about to go through what either of my dads went through with my mom.”
“Liam,” she begged, but I shook my head.
“I can’t, Kennedy. I’m sorry. I’ll be right here waiting for when you decide. But until then, I will only be right here.”
Countless moments passed with her sitting there crying before she left my office. As soon as the door was shut behind her, I dropped my head into my hands and spent the next hour holding back my own tears as I continued to remind myself that running after her would only make the situation worse.
October 27
Kennedy
I SOMEHOW MADE it home despite barely being able to see the road through my tears. After taking a few minutes to collect myself, I got out of the car and walked into the condo. I’d barely made it a step inside when I paused with my hand still on the door.
There was laughter coming from inside my condo.
Kira had gotten so much better, but I hadn’t ever come home to this sound . . . and it felt out of place considering the mood when I’d left, and my mood now.
Taking my hand off the door, I took the last few steps inside so I could see into the living room, and paused again.
Both Kira and Rhys stopped laughing and stared at me with wide eyes when they caught sight of me from where they were sitting on the couches, and an awkward silence engulfed the room for long seconds until I gestured to the front door.
“Uh, we—Kira, we need to go to work.”
Kira quickly got up from her spot on the love seat and walked over to me. When she reached me, she grabbed my hand and whispered, “Are you okay?”
I looked at her in confusion, then glanced at Rhys. “With you laughing?”
Rhys’s worried eyes stayed pinned on me as Kira stepped closer. And even though I knew she was trying to get my attention, I couldn’t stop looking at the man sitting on our couch—just like I did every time I was in the same room with him.
“You’re crying,” Kira whispered, and squeezed my hand.
I finally tore my eyes from Rhys to look at my sister, and put my hand up to my face to find it wet. “Oh, I thought I . . .” I trailed off and shrugged. Apparently I hadn’t pulled myself together as much as I’d thought I had.
“We’ll talk about it in the car. I’ll go get ready.”
Once Kira walked away and had shut her bedroom door behind her, I looked back at Rhys to find him now standing—the same look of worry in his eyes. I dropped my gaze to the floor and walked toward my room, but stopped when I heard his voice.
“Are you okay?” he asked softly. His voice was just as deep as Liam’s, and the rough tone was something I had loved once and craved for long after he was gone. But now the sound was only a reminder that Rhys was back in my life—as if his standing in front of me wasn’t enough—and that I now had to choose between him and Liam.
“I’m fine.”
“You talked to him,” he stated. There was no question; I doubted my face left any room for one.
“Yes, I talked to him. But whatever you’re gathering from the way I look right now, I can tell you that you have it wrong.”
Rhys nodded but didn’t say anything else, and after a few seconds, I began walking toward my room again.
I’d only been in there long enough to change when I heard two knocks on my wall. I turned to find Rhys leaning against a wall with his arms folded across his chest.
“Why are you crying then?”
“I’m crying because I have no fucking clue what I’m going to do, and this entire situation is tearing me up!”
He watched me for a minute before asking, “Do you want me to leave, Kennedy?”
My first thought was to yell at him that I’d already told him to leave, and he’d stayed. But I found myself saying, “I want you to leave because you broke my heart. I don’t want you to leave because like I said, I have no idea what I’m going to do . . . and if you leave now, I’ll always wonder later what I would have decided if you’d stayed.”
With a nod, he pushed away from the wall and took a step back toward the door. “I, uh . . . I used your shower while you were gone.”
“That’s fine, Rhys.”
“If you need anything while you’re at work—”
“I know. But we’re fine,” I said, cutting him off. He’d made the same offer yesterday, but I didn’t need anything from him at the moment—nor did I want him to do anything for me.
A few more seconds passed before he took another step back and grabbed on to the doorframe. Just before he turned to go, he said, “I’m sorry, Kennedy. I’m so sorry.”
“I know,” I repeated, but this time the words were barely audible.
Kira turned the corner in the hall to walk toward my bedroom, and mumbled an apology to Rhys when she bumped into him before looking up at me. “You ready?”
“Yeah. Yeah, let’s go.”
The only good-bye between Rhys and me was a long look as I walked through the living room. He looked hurt again, like he had when I’d left the house earlier . . . but I couldn’t let myself get too focused on his expression. While I didn’t like that he was hurting, I couldn’t feel bad for him. I didn’t know how he’d expected me to be waiting for him after all those years, and after the kind of good-bye he’d given me. I didn’t know what he’d expected to find when
he showed up at my door. But he couldn’t blame me for going on with my life.
“Okay, tell me what happened with Liam,” Kira said as soon as we were in the car and she was reversing out of the spot.
“He was mad . . . obviously. He was mad that I’d kept my marriage from him, and wanted to know if I ever would have told him. He told me he loved me—”
“He did?” Kira asked, surprise coating her short question.
“Yeah.”
“What did you say? Did you leave—wait, is that why you were crying?”
“No,” I said on a humorless laugh. “We kind of fought about the whole love thing because of something I’d heard about him, and what he knew about me. But I’m pretty sure I was already crying before that. I’m not sure, though, I don’t know when I started.”
Kira was quiet for a few seconds, then asked, “Would you have?”
“Would I have what?”
“Told him,” she explained. “Would you have told him about Rhys?”
I told her all about the mini-conversation Liam and I’d had during the movie on Friday night. I told Kira his question about our new tattoos, what my response had been, and what we’d talked about Saturday morning before Rhys had shown up. Unlike her usual self, Kira never once interrupted me while I told her everything. She just looked over at me with shocked expressions every once in a while, and when I was done, she let out a huff.
“Wow.”
“That’s pretty much how I feel,” I mumbled, and stared out the window.
“Dad called me again . . .” She trailed off, her tone hinting at what she wasn’t saying.
“I know, he called me too. I didn’t answer.”
“Kennedy, you can’t keep ignoring him. He’s our dad.”
I glanced over at her with wide eyes. “Yeah, and I just found out a few days ago that he’d kept a secret from me for four years! I think I’m allowed to not want to talk to him after that. From what Mom told us about when they met, you think Dad would understand by now that keeping the whole undercover thing a secret while you’re in a relationship is a bad thing.”
Kira sighed, and I knew she didn’t agree with me. But she couldn’t understand. Dad hadn’t kept anything from her the way he had with me. And from what I was hearing from Mom, I wasn’t the only one who was ignoring him. She was just as mad as I was that he’d let me go through all that pain without ever saying a word to anyone—including her.
“So what happens now? With Liam,” Kira clarified a few moments later.
I exhaled heavily and lifted one shoulder in a lopsided shrug. “Now I have to figure out what I want to do. Liam said he was going to back off while I decided. He basically said it was to make it easier for me to decide; but nothing about that sounds like it’ll be easier for me. Even though he said he wasn’t leaving me, that’s exactly what it sounded like. It sounded like he was giving up.”
“I think he’s right to back off,” Kira mused. “I’m sure it’s hurting you right now, but just imagine what it would be like trying to decide between them if Liam stayed around you. With Rhys staying in the condo, there would be so much tension between the two of them. And right now, you’re really too upset with Rhys for him to sway your decision in his favor. If Liam was always around you, you’d only be able to think of him because you’ve been falling for him for months now; and right now, you only want him. What was it you said to me this morning before you left? That you didn’t know how to decide between what you thought was right and . . .”
“Who I wanted,” I finished for her.
“Right. You think staying with Rhys is right only because of your past with him. You know you want Liam, but you don’t know if you’ll end up wanting Rhys again once your anger is gone. So right now Rhys is more like an obligation, and Liam sticking around would only make that more apparent and not give you a real chance to make up your mind.” Kira waved her hand between us and said, “All that to say I agree with what Liam’s doing—even if it does hurt.”
“I guess,” I whispered. “I can see what you mean, but right now it hurts too much to understand.”
Kira squeezed my arm, but didn’t say anything else about Liam. Once we pulled up to the gym, she put the car in park and looked at me. “I know I’ve never been a fan of Rhys’s, but I never really had a chance to get to know him. In those months of you meeting him, marrying him, and being with him—you basically shut out everyone else in your life, including me. I get why now, I do. You were very in love with him, and even though you didn’t know that he would be leaving you, I bet you could sense his worry over what little time you two had left together, and that made you throw everything into that summer. But now that he’s been here for a few days and I’ve talked to him a lot, I just want to say that I like him. He’s really nice, Kennedy, I can see why that relationship destroyed you. And I’m sorry that I didn’t understand before.”
“No hard feelings, sis. It’s in the past, right?”
“Right,” she agreed.
“Come on, let’s get this day over with. I’m not exactly thrilled to face another day of Kristi glaring at me.”
We got out of the car and made our way into the gym, and before we even got to the drink station, Kristi walked past us with a death glare directed right at me.
I groaned and looked over to Kira when she patted my back, and mumbled, “So, this should be fun.”
15
November 29
Liam
SHUTTING THE FRONT door of my parents’ house, I called out to them as I walked through the entryway and into the living room. I found my parents, both of my aunts and uncles, and Kristi in there . . . and fourteen eyes locked on me—none of them giving me a welcoming look.
“Your cousins all already went back to school a couple hours ago,” Aunt Bree bit out. “If you were wondering or cared.”
“Um, okay? I do care . . . thanks for telling me,” I said uncertainly.
“And all six of your grandparents are wondering why you barely said a word the other night, and then left as soon as dinner was over.”
“Okay? I’m sor—”
“And you already missed pancakes, if you were wondering. I’m sure you can run back to wherever you’ve been hiding and make some for yourself,” Kristi added, cutting me off.
I raised my arms out to the side before letting them fall back down. “What the fuck? What did I do to get this kind of reaction as soon as I walk in? And what do you mean by ‘hiding’? I just saw all of you on Thursday.”
“You said you would be around this weekend to spend time with everyone,” Mom explained. At least she looked more worried for me than pissed off at me.
“I said I would try. I have a lot going on, and I’m sorry that it cut into time with everyone, but they’ll all be back for Christmas, I can see them then. There was a huge account I was finishing up that should have been done before Thanksgiving. I’ve been working my ass off to finish things before the end of the month.”
“Or maybe you’ve been gone because you were still moping around over a lying whore!”
“Kristi,” Dad warned.
“Fuck off, Kristi,” I growled. “What is your deal?”
“My deal is that it’s been a month, and you’re still waiting for her to choose you when we all know that isn’t about to fucking happen! Her husband is back, that alone should have told you all you needed to know in regard to her. She’s not coming back for you, Liam!”
“That’s enough,” Dad said with his eyes directly on my sister.
I backed up a couple steps and held out my arms again. “Is this really what today is going to be about? I’m not putting up with this shit from you.” Looking at the rest of my family, I said, “I’m sorry. I’ll apologize to everyone later, but I’m gone. See you all next Sunday.”
“Bye, Liam! Bye. Go hide out again because a girl you were with for four months doesn’t want to be with you anymore.”
“Kristi,” Dad barked. “I said enough.” r />
“Oh, but what a shock it was!” she continued. “She wouldn’t even let anyone call her your girlfriend—did you really think she would just change one day?”
“Again, fuck off, Kristi!” I yelled, and turned back around to face them. “You don’t know anything about what happened between Kennedy and me. Got that? None of you do—well, except maybe Dad. Finding Kennedy and fighting for her is something I would do again, and again.” I looked at all of their expectant and frustrated faces, and shrugged. “I didn’t meet Kennedy at the gym. I met her a year and a half ago in Vegas.”
“What?” Mom whispered, and looked at Dad. “You knew this?”
Dad’s eyes didn’t leave me, but I couldn’t tell if he was mad that I’d just thrown him under the bus, or if he was simply waiting to see what I would tell everyone.
“I met Kennedy one night and we hooked up,” I started again, but Kristi cut in.
“Wow. She just keeps getting better and better.”
“Think whatever you want about that, but know that I’m the one who initiated it then . . . so don’t go putting your bullshit theories on her.” Looking back at everyone again, I said, “It was only one night, but I thought of her for months. I would’ve done anything to find her again. And I mean fucking anything. But I had no name, nothing. Six months ago, my boss told me about his nieces who had just moved here from Florida, and weren’t happy about it. He wanted help introducing them to people, and anything else I could offer them. I knew Dad was looking for new people at the gym, and he agreed to interview them. Nothing more. I didn’t know until after the interview that it was the same girl from Vegas and her twin sister.” Narrowing my eyes on my sister, I said, “That is why Kennedy freaked when she saw me at the gym during her first week. Not because she dropped a drink—she dropped it because I was there.”
Kristi scoffed. “It doesn’t change what she did to you, or what she’s doing now.”
Aunt Bree looked like she wanted to agree, but I was sure the reason Uncle Konrad was whispering to her was to try to stop her from saying anything else. My mom looked shocked and mad that she was just finding all this out. Aunt Aubrey and Uncle Jeremy, my dad’s brother and sister-in-law, were staring at me just like Dad was . . . without judgment. Just waiting for what would come next.