But then I looked over at the guy walking next to me, and knew I had my answer. I’d become a wimp about voicing my feelings after Rhys left me—and only to men who held my heart.
“Kennedy, I have a question for you,” Rhys said suddenly, his deep voice rumbling in the dark as we walked back to the condo with tons of fresh food and full stomachs.
Oh God. Oh no, he’s going to ask me to decide!
“It’s going to be personal, and probably awkward for you to answer because it’s kind of awkward for me to ask . . . but I really want to know. I’ve wanted to for some time now.”
“Okay,” I said hesitantly.
“This Liam guy. It was obvious he didn’t know about me.” It hadn’t been a question, but Rhys still looked at me with a raised eyebrow.
“No, he didn’t,” I confirmed. “I had actually just told him the night before you showed up that I was going to tell him about my past soon.”
Rhys laughed. “Looks like I had great timing, then.”
I rolled my eyes and scoffed.
“But if you didn’t tell him about me, did you . . . did you tell him . . .” He drifted off and mumbled a curse as he stopped walking and turned to face me. “Do you still have to be in control?”
“Yes,” I admitted softly.
“And with him?”
I shook my head for a moment. I didn’t want to get into this with Rhys because he knew that my needing control was purely physical and sexual. But then I remembered how he’d started this conversation, and how hard it had been for him to ask his question, and my shoulders fell as I said, “I lose it with him. There’s not even a fight anymore—or, there wasn’t. At the beginning I would try to stay in control, but I wouldn’t hold on to it for more than a minute. He demands it—silently . . . I don’t want you to think he orders me around or anything. But it’s just how he is. He takes control.”
“And you let him,” Rhys stated.
Even though it wasn’t a question, I nodded. “Yeah, I did.”
Rhys started to look uncomfortable again, and he stumbled over his words when he asked, “Anyone else?”
“No. I was always in control except for when I was with you and Liam.” Rhys wasn’t looking at me anymore; he was staring at the ground. “Rhys . . . why are you bringing this up?”
With a heavy exhale, he looked up at me and said, “Because I wanted to know how much he means to you.”
A hard laugh burst from my chest. “And knowing that I lose control with him answers that for you?”
Rhys watched me for a second with a sad smile. “Yeah, it does. Knowing how you were when we met, I knew exactly what I meant to you when you stopped trying to maintain control physically. Because right after that was when you stopped trying to control the relationship, and you just let us happen. Everything about you and us changed then.”
“Wait, what? Control the relationship? I never tried to control relationships, I control anything physical.”
One dark brow rose, and his lips twitched in amusement. “Trust me, Kennedy, you control relationships. You tried to control ours. If you think about it, I know you already know this.” When I shook my head, he said, “Tell me why you think you control physical times.”
“Why I think? You already know why I do.”
“Humor me, Kennedy.”
“Because I never wanted to feel like a man had control over me. I wanted to be the one to say how things went.”
“That last part is why you try to control relationships. You told me the night I met your family that you’d grown up wanting a marriage like your parents have, and a lot made sense after you told me that. The way you were before you gave up control was like you wanted to make sure our relationship was like theirs. But the second you stopped trying to make our relationship a certain way was when I knew you had fallen for me as much as I had for you. At the time, I didn’t know your parents or what you were doing, I just knew that you were right there with me for the ride instead of trying to make us something we weren’t. The night you told me about wanting what they have, I knew I’d been right.”
“I don’t—” I began, but he cut me off.
“You do. Or, you did. We’d already talked about the physical part when we were still together, so I knew that I’d been the first person who you’d let control that. But I’ve wondered for years about the rest. Because like I said, when you lost control with me I knew what our relationship meant to you. You just confirmed that you’ve never been that way with anyone else . . . except for him. So now I know what he means to you.”
I stood there completely silent, not knowing what to say. Because as much as I wanted to continue denying what he was saying, a part of me knew he was right. I had grown up wanting what my parents have, and now that Rhys had explained it to me, I could see that I had done things in my past to try to ensure I would have that kind of marriage and love—even in the smallest of relationships. But I hadn’t done any of that since the man standing in front of me had completely rocked my world.
I rocked back on my heels and shook my head once. “That doesn’t make sense now. I tried to avoid a relationship with Liam . . . and that was because of you. I didn’t want to go through what you’d put me through again, and I just knew that he had that power to crush me like you did. But I never once tried to make my relationship with him something it wasn’t. When I gave up with him, I was giving up trying to keep myself from him.”
Another sad smile pulled at Rhys’s lips. “Then I guess that tells both of us exactly what he means to you.” He watched my confused expression for a second before gesturing in the direction we’d been walking. “Come on. Let’s get all this stuff back and make Kira dinner, and we’ll stop with the heavy conversation for tonight. Deal?”
“Deal.”
THE NEXT AFTERNOON I was walking into Brian’s tattoo shop with a bag of greasy food in hand. The air in the condo had been thick with tension as Rhys, Kira, and I had absentmindedly watched TV just so we wouldn’t have to talk to each other, and soon it had been too much for me to handle. With a quick good-bye, I’d gotten in the car and driven around for almost thirty minutes before I found myself in a drive-thru buying food for Brian.
“Dude number one!” Brian called out excitedly. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”
“Why is it you don’t have an issue with figuring out which one of us is which?”
Brian looked offended. “As if I would? I had my share of twinsies before I met my lady love. I’m what everyone should call an expert.”
“Should?” I asked on a laugh. “Here, brought you something so you wouldn’t starve.”
“Glorious!” he sang out as he reached for the bag—once again like it was precious and fragile. “You here for some ink?” he asked over his shoulder as he walked to his station.
“Not today,” I said on a sigh, and took a seat. “I came for your crazy-worded wisdom. Liam said he always went to talk to you whenever anything was going on his life, so I figured I would try.”
“Smart boy.” He pointed at me and grinned cheekily. “And very smart girl! Lay it on me.”
“Has Liam been by in the last month to maybe talk to you about . . .” I trailed off, and my face twisted up as I tried to figure out how to explain the situation in as few words as possible.
“About your ex-boo? Oh yeah, I’ve heard all about it. My boy is torn up, my dude. Completely. Torn,” he emphasized by tearing a fry in half.
“That makes three of us,” I muttered. “I don’t know what to do, Brian.”
“What’s your heart tell you?”
I thought for a second, trying to sort through all the emotions I’d been fighting with for the last month. “It tells me that I can’t lose Liam—just like it told me the day Liam walked away from me.”
“Uh-huh. Uh-huh,” he mumbled around a bite of food. “But what about your ex-boo? What’s it saying about him?”
“That I’m so scared of hurting him. I don’t love him anymore, Br
ian,” I confessed out loud for the first time ever—and Christ, did that small confession feel good. “I don’t love him, not in the way I did, and not in a way that could make me possibly want him in the future. I enjoy his company, he’s fun to have around, but that’s it. That piece of my heart that I gave him all those years ago still belongs to him—but only in a first-love-memory type of way. But he thought we would be together again for four years. Four. Years. I was devastated when I lost Rhys after only having him for a few months, and I’m so worried about what I’ll do to him if I tell him I don’t want him.”
Brian had stopped chewing, and continued to sit there with his burger halfway to his mouth for a few moments before shaking his head. “You can’t be with someone just because you’re afraid of making their heart hurt. Because their hurt will be temporary, but think about how much your heart will hurt if you spend the rest of your life avoiding hurting his.”
“I know,” I whispered, and my shoulders fell with the weight of the decision that was looming over me.
“Dude number one, tell me something, ’kay ’kay?”
“All right.”
“When you met the ex-boo, what was it like?”
I shrugged. “Easy. We both fell hard and fast, and I was so sure at that time—and even for years after—that I would never again experience what I had experienced with him.”
“And my boy? When he found you here in his dad’s gym, what was it like for you?”
“Terrifying,” I answered with a laugh.
Brian nodded and took another bite of his burger with a smirk on his face the entire time. “That’s all you need to know right there.”
“What? What is?”
“LC terrified you.”
I huffed softly. “Okay . . .”
“My lady love terrified me. Finding your true love is the most terrifying experience of your life, dude number one. Well, unless you have kids. I’ve heard that shit is pretty fucking scary.”
“Brian, no. I—”
“Tell me why you were terrified,” he demanded, cutting me off.
“Because of the way he made me feel. That, and his personality reminded me of Rhys.”
“Is that really why he terrified you? Because he made you feel like your ex-boo did?” There were a few beats of silence between us as I waited for him to realize that I’d already answered his question. “Who can’t you live without?”
“Liam,” I said without hesitation.
Brian clucked his tongue. “If you’re asking me, dude number one, then I’d say my boy terrified you because he made you feel more than you ever felt for your ex-boo. And finding that, after being hurt by the ex, only made the fear of finding your true love that much greater.”
“But I don’t lo—” I cut off quickly, and my mouth dropped as my eyes widened. “I love Liam,” I whispered. “Brian, I’m in love with him.”
“I already know that, dude.”
I laughed and looked around me, like I couldn’t seem to grasp the epiphany I’d just had. Even last night I would have continued denying my true feelings for Liam. But something about this conversation with Brian—something about finally voicing the fact that I no longer loved Rhys—had made the last of my walls finally fall.
“Oh my God, Brian!” I said in awe. “Do you know how absolutely amazing you are with your nonstoned mind?”
“Like I told my boy when I informed his denying ass that he loved you not long after you came back into his life: I should be Cupid’s sidekick. I’ve got this love shit down.”
“Twins expert. Cupid’s sidekick. Badass tattoo artist. And a fucking genius.”
“Ha! You get me, my dude!” He took another large bite of his burger and waved it at me as he spoke around the mouthful. “Well, now that you’re done acting like you don’t know what the fuck’s up with your heart, you better go tell my boy what you just realized.”
I stood, but Brian’s voice stopped me from leaving.
“Not that I know much about anything. But it’s Saturday.”
“Yeah,” I said a little breathless. I was anxious to get to Liam, and the anxiety had my heart racing. “And?”
“And, dude number one, all I know is that every Saturday my boy comes to see me and feed me after he gets done sparring with his daddy-o. So if I’m not as high as I think I am . . . he’s at the gym, or he’s on his way there.”
I barreled forward and wrapped my arms around Brian’s neck. “Thank you. And don’t tell your wife that you got two cheat meals in one day!”
“Who’s tellin?” he called out as I raced toward the door to leave. “Go get him, dude!”
17
December 5
Liam
“I FIGURED IT out,” I said in way of announcing myself.
Dad turned around from where he’d been talking to Kristi at the drink bar with his brow pinched together. “Figured out what?”
“Kennedy, and what I need to do.”
A smile crossed his face, and he folded his arms across his chest. “Really? Well, let’s hear it.”
“I’m you and Chase. And my entire relationship with Kennedy has been what Mom went through with both of you.”
Both of his eyebrows rose, and he nodded. “Explain.”
“At first, I pushed for a relationship that she tried to stay out of because she’d been married before. Granted, I didn’t know, but I kept pushing until she was mine. When I found out about Rhys, I thought there was no way that she would end up choosing me, which is why I wanted to step back. I did it for her, but I knew I had to start protecting myself from what I thought was coming, so in a way it was also for me. So that’s Chase, right?”
“Right,” he said with an amused grin. “I feel like I know where this is about to go.”
“I gave her time, but I can’t keep staying away. I can’t sit still without feeling like I’m losing my mind. I need to be working, surfing, running . . . anything so I don’t think about her. And if I sit there for any amount of time, I get up and grab my keys. But I only ever make it to my car before I talk myself out of it, and I don’t want to keep talking myself out of it. I want to be there. I want to show her what we had, and to fight for my chance even though I may not get it again.”
“And that’s me,” he assumed.
“Yeah,” I said on a breath. “That’s you. Looks like I got the best of both of you.”
Dad’s smile changed into something softer, and for a second, his eyes welled up before he was able to blink the tears away. “That has to be the best thing I’ve ever heard come from you, Liam.” Clearing his throat, he took a deep breath and studied me for a second. “I guess that means we’re not sparring tonight?”
“Hell no. I need to go to her.” I heard a voice call my name, but before I turned to look, I grabbed my dad in a quick hug. “Thanks for everything, old man.”
Dad pushed me back and took a few steps away. “I don’t think you’re about to get your chance to—”
“Liam!”
I didn’t hear the rest of what my dad was saying as a wall slammed into me from behind and almost knocked me over. I stumbled forward a few steps, and quickly understood why my dad had backed up. A pair of slender, tattooed arms crossed in front of my chest, and long legs wrapped around my waist.
Grabbing on to the arms I knew so well, I helped her slide down, and turned to face my girl standing there with the widest smile and brightest eyes.
“Kennedy—”
“I’m in love with you!” she blurted out, and her smile seemed to widen.
I shook my head and leaned closer. “What?” I asked, knowing I hadn’t heard her correctly.
“I love you!” Her chest fell and rose with her heavy breaths, and she seemed to bounce even though her feet were firmly on the ground. “I love you, and I’m sorry I never told you that before. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it, and I’m so damn sorry I didn’t tell you about—”
I cut her off by crushing my mouth to hers and
pulling her into my arms. “Fucking hell, Kennedy, tell me I didn’t just dream this,” I begged against her lips before kissing her again.
She laughed and pressed her hands against my chest so she could lean back. “Not a dream. I love you, Liam Taylor.”
“Thank God,” I growled as I captured her mouth. “Rhys?”
“I still need to talk to him. I’ve known what my decision would be for a couple weeks now—well, I’ve known since you walked out of my condo that last time—but I just started trying to get to know Rhys again so I could give him a chance in the last couple weeks. I was so worried that I would do something wrong that I hadn’t been able to voice my choice, but now I know who I want and what is right for me.”
My lips curved up in a slow smile, and I shook my head in amazement. “I told you, Moon. One day you would claim me as yours.”
Her eyes narrowed playfully. “I still haven’t done that.”
“You’re about to,” I assured her, and faintly brushed my lips over hers. “You are mine, Kennedy Ryan.”
“And you are mine,” she responded as her arms wrapped around my neck to pull me closer.
“As much as I’m happy that you two finally figured your stuff out, I’m pretty sure you’re either grossing out the members of my gym, or making them wish they were in Liam’s place.”
I turned to glare at my dad before glancing around at the handful of guys staring at us.
“Take it outside so you don’t have this audience. And Kennedy,” he called out just as we began walking toward the doors and waited until we were facing him. “Thank you.”
“For?”
“For choosing correctly.”
Kennedy’s bright smile crossed her face again, and she buried herself in my side. “It was my pleasure, Brandon. Really.”
I pulled Kennedy out of the building and, as soon as we were outside, grabbed her up in my arms and kissed her enough to make up for every kiss I’d missed in the last month. We were both breathless when I set her back on her feet, and she swayed back toward me a bit.