“Yeah.”
She still held his face in her hands, his hands pressed over hers, holding on, never wanting to let go.
Unable to process this. “Please tell me this is the worst thought-out prank ever?”
More tears. “I wish I could, B. Other than my doctors, you’re the first to know. I haven’t even told my parents yet. They would have swooped in and tried to get me to go home with them, and I don’t want to die in Oklahoma. I didn’t think I’d have the strength to fight them. And I don’t want them having to make the final decisions.
“Plus, that’s too close to Texas for my tastes. I don’t want my baby born anywhere but here, in Florida, where I was born. Where you were born. I want to be here, with you, in Florida. And I want this baby to be born with your last name, and you listed on the birth certificate as its father. Besides, they raised their kid. I know they’d raise my baby in a heartbeat, but I know you’ll be a great father. I don’t want Shawn even knowing about him or her.”
“You said he didn’t want kids. We can get him to sign off on a parental rights waiver.”
“He didn’t want kids, but he hated you. It wouldn’t shock me if he tried to get custody just to piss you off and then hand the baby off to his parents or brother or someone to raise.”
Rage washed through him. “I’ll do it.”
“You can’t say yes to marrying me until after we talk to Dustin. I won’t let you. We don’t have to be married for me to list you as the baby’s father. It just adds an extra layer of legal protection Shawn won’t want to deal with if he ever finds out. Being married automatically gives you certain rights and privileges. You can file for Social Security for the baby more easily that way, and survivor benefits. Life insurance beneficiary. End of life decisions. I’d still do a power of attorney, but as my husband it makes the whole situation simpler. Less paperwork.”
“This isn’t real.” He wasn’t sure he’d said it out loud, until he saw the way she blinked back more tears. “This isn’t happening,” he insisted. “This is a nightmare. You’re my best friend. I can’t lose you when I just got you back.”
She laced fingers with him, pulled her hands from his cheek, and pressed their hands against her chest. He felt her heart beating.
For now.
That thought sucker-punched his soul and left him gasping for breath.
“I love you so much, B. I always have. I need you right now. I’m sorry I’m dumping this on you, but I need you, and my baby’s going to need you.” She tearfully laughed. “You always wanted to be a dad. I knew you’d be a great dad. Now you get your chance to be a dad. I wasn’t sure what to get you for your birthday, so…surprise.”
He almost couldn’t handle how…matter of fact she was being, but that was Kira. Always had been.
Calm.
Practical.
She’d always balanced him so perfectly, keeping him grounded while reminding him how to play and take time for himself.
She didn’t speak for a long time, even as his traitorous eyes roamed over the surgical scar, memorizing it, slamming against his mental defenses trying to convince him this wasn’t real, wasn’t happening.
A nightmare.
“How…” He licked his lips and tasted his own tears. “How can you be so calm?”
“Because I can’t deny the facts. And I’m not calm. You have no idea how hard it was going through my stuff and looking at it and saying yeah, I won’t need that…or that…and then donating it or selling it.” A ragged laugh escaped her. “Plus I couldn’t even get drunk when I did it.”
She squeezed his hands. “This will happen. I decided the best thing I could do was face it under my terms. I’m not going to spend my final months fighting with…him. Or trying to get my parents to let me go. I know you love me, but I know you’ll honor my wishes and make the hard decisions even if you don’t want to. You’ll stand up for me when I can’t. Because you love me enough to let me go under my terms. I can’t ask for more than that.”
“I…” He choked back a sob. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Because I’ve been enough of a mess as it was. I didn’t need you being a mess any sooner than necessary. There’s nothing you could have done for me in Texas that I couldn’t do for myself. I wanted to do as much for myself as I could, while I still could. It’ll be soon enough I won’t be able to do things for myself, or speak up for myself. That’s when I’m really going to need you. That’s why I’m here now. Because I trust you. Because I love you. And because I lost enough of my life with you and I want to be with you at the end of it.”
Her tears started again. “I want the last memory I have to be your blue eyes and knowing how much at least one person besides my parents loves me for who I am. Truly loves me. I need that person to be you.”
He held her, rocking her, crying with her. “What do we do next?”
“We talk to Dustin. When’s he get here?”
“After work. He’s got a closing today. I don’t know what time exactly he’ll be done. He’s going to text me when he’s finished.”
“I don’t want to tell my parents until after we…do whatever it is we need to do. Hopefully he’s okay with this and we can get a marriage license, and in three days from then, get married. Florida has a waiting period. Then it’s out of my parents’ hands, and they can rest easier knowing they don’t have to make any decisions about this.”
“Will they try to fight me for custody?”
“No. I doubt it. Especially after I talk to them. They love you. You’re like the bonus son they didn’t have to pay for.” She tucked her head against his chest and he couldn’t stop thinking about all the times they’d snuggled together to watch TV.
All those countless nights he’d thought would never end.
This can’t be happening.
Chapter Fifteen
A little after five, Dustin sat in his car outside the title insurance office where the closing had been held and breathed a sigh of relief. Another successful closing meant another paycheck.
That was one thing that sucked about this job—there was no guarantee of pay. He always had to be careful with his expenses, because he never knew when or where his next paycheck might come from, or how much it’d be.
Another way he and Bryce fit perfectly together, how they approached their spending and saving patterns.
He texted Bryce.
On my way, Sir. I’ll swing by home first and be there in about 45.
He was looking forward to meeting Kira despite his initial instincts during the FaceTime call. She was important to Bryce, and Bryce loved her very much. That meant Dustin would make an effort to get to know her, try to befriend her.
Try to follow Lara’s advice that he felt understandably anxious about how their relationship was unfolding so quickly, but to not let that anxiety make decisions for him.
With traffic sort of heavy, he set his phone facedown on the passenger seat and focused on driving. It wasn’t uncommon for Bryce to not text him back immediately. If Bryce and Kira were talking, Bryce might not be focused on his phone anyway.
Dustin shoved back the now-familiar twinge of anxiety, a slight pang. Bryce had known Kira all his life, just about. Of course he’d be excited to see her again after so long.
Didn’t mean he was being ignored.
Not deliberately, at least.
Bryce hasn’t done anything wrong. This is my insecurities trying to lie to me.
It absolutely did not mean Bryce would toss him aside all because of his friend.
It was a relief to finally park in Bryce’s driveway. Increasingly, it felt like home to him, more than his own place did.
After grabbing his laptop and overnight bag from the back seat, he headed inside.
“Honey, I’m home,” Dustin called out as he walked in. Now sort of a running joke between them, whoever arrived usually said it.
He looked up to see Bryce standing at the end of the foyer, and the first thing tha
t struck him was he wasn’t wearing his glasses.
Followed by he looked like hell.
Has he been crying?
In two steps, Bryce closed the distance and practically body-slammed him with the hug, his embrace tight and desperate, wordless.
Dustin automatically wrapped his arms around him.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Dustin asked.
Kira appeared in the doorway, and the first thing that hit him was the shaved spot over her left temple.
“Hi,” she softly said. “You must be Dustin.” She stood with her arms crossed over her chest, like she was hugging herself, not like she was being standoffish.
He nodded, trying to get his brain to stop flying through possibilities long enough to focus.
She sadly smiled. “It’s nice to finally meet you. We need to talk.”
* * * *
Dustin managed to get Bryce to let go of him long enough he could set down his laptop and bag right there and follow Kira into the living room, to the couch. A dark, heavy, cold puddle of foreboding had coalesced in Dustin’s gut.
What worried him beyond Bryce’s obvious distress and the more than obvious surgical scar on Kira’s head was the fact that Bryce had almost seemed to…shut down. Like he’d hit his limit and wasn’t able to function.
Bryce curled up on the couch, his head in Dustin’s lap, as Kira sat at the far end.
“First of all,” she said, “like I told B, no is a perfectly acceptable answer. I won’t hate you or hold it against you, because this is a lot to ask of anyone.”
“No to what?”
She pointed to her head, at the scar. “So, funny story. I went to the ER for a really bad headache, aaannnd found out I have terminal brain cancer.” She smiled. “Oh, and I’m pregnant.”
“Pregnant?”
“Yeah.” She detailed what had happened, what an absolute shit her ex had been, and the real reason she’d come to stay with Bryce.
What she’d asked of him.
The whole time, Bryce stayed quiet, except for his tears and occasionally blowing his nose. Dustin stroked his hair, not wanting to let go of him, wanting to keep touching him for comfort, for peace.
To ground him to reality, because this felt like anything but.
Dustin struggled to process the information when she finished. “You want to marry Bryce and name him the father of your baby?” He needed to say it to make sure he was hearing her right.
“He’s always wanted kids. But I know he’s in love with you, and I suspect you’re in love with him, too, right?”
Dustin nodded, even as he looked down at Bryce. He couldn’t imagine what Bryce was going through right now. No wonder he’d shut down.
“I can come up with some workarounds for not being married to him,” she said. “And I mean it—if you say no, I get it. I personally wouldn’t be happy if the roles were reversed. But it will be a lot easier on everyone if he marries me, and there are some benefits he’ll only be able to apply for if he’s my widower, versus just holding a power of attorney.
“There’s also the very real possibility the baby won’t make it. I’m barely two months along. He or she might not be old enough to survive when I die. Or I might miscarry. Or any number of scenarios. It’s not guaranteed I’ll deliver this baby, but my only goal is to try to hang on long enough to see him or her born.”
That cold puddle of foreboding had frozen into a murky, icy lake inside Dustin. “I…I don’t want kids,” he softly said before he realized he’d said it aloud.
The choked sob from Bryce ripped Dustin’s soul.
“I understand,” Kira said. “Bryce wanted to say yes to this immediately, but I told him I needed you to sign off on it. If you’re saying no—”
“No. I mean, I’m not saying no. Sorry. I was thinking out loud.” It struck Dustin there’d been no change in her tone, no recriminations or…anything. The same soft, calm, matter-of-fact tone she’d used to tell the story.
Now he understood completely what she’d been hiding from Bryce that day on the FaceTime call.
And why.
No, he couldn’t blame her for that. If anything, he felt grateful to her that she loved Bryce enough to spare him that emotional trauma for as long as possible and waited to get here to tell him.
“You don’t need to give me an answer tonight,” she said. “This is huge, and I understand that it’s not a snap decision. I’d prefer you take a little time to think about it.”
He slowly nodded, at her offer of time to process, not in agreement to the deal.
She stood, and he noticed how she wobbled a little when she got to her feet, like her balance might be off. “I’m going to give you guys some privacy,” she said. “I’ll come out later. Take a few days to think it over, Dustin. I mean it, if you say no, we’ll start putting workarounds in place.”
“But yes or no, you’re listing him as the father of your baby?”
“I have to. I can’t risk Shawn trying to take custody.”
“Playing devil’s advocate here, shouldn’t the baby have the right to know about their birth father?”
“I already know his family’s health history. There’s nothing there, no heart disease or cancer or diabetes to worry about. How B wants to handle telling him…her…the baby about things will be up to him.”
She slowly left the room. He could see her gait looked…off. How she reached a hand out to the wall as she rounded the corner into the hallway, like she needed it for her balance.
Fuck.
* * * *
Fuck.
It figured that when Bryce thought life was perfect it turned out to be an illusion, a cruel mural someone had painted on a wall for him to run smack into, instead of a true happy future with his bestie and the man he loved.
Bryce finally sat up and dared to look Dustin in the eye.
The man wore a thousand-yard stare, shock and other emotions Bryce didn’t dare label painted there in stark relief.
“If you say no, that’s it. I won’t do it.”
Dustin nodded, but didn’t speak.
Bryce didn’t want to break the silence but knew he had to. “Please, say something.”
Dustin took a long time answering, and when he did, he spoke slowly, carefully. “I…don’t know what to say.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“If you want to say no, I get it. I won’t hate you, and it won’t end things between us—I promise.”
Dustin’s gaze dropped, and he wouldn’t look him in the eyes. “I can’t give you an answer right now.”
“I know.”
“I…” He blew out a long breath. “I’ve never wanted kids.”
A cold fist squeezed Bryce’s heart. “I know.”
Dustin sat there, quiet, contemplative. “Why are you giving me this kind of veto power? It’s not just because she told you to, is it?”
“No. Because I love you. A few hours ago, my world looked like me trying to convince you to move in with me, and the three of us being happy roomies until she either met a guy and moved out or felt like moving out on her own. I could see my life with you laid out perfectly.”
“You could?”
“Yeah.”
Dustin finally met his gaze, and the green flecks in his hazel eyes today looked subdued, muted.
Sad.
“I could, too,” Dustin whispered.
“It’s not a sure thing she’ll even have the baby.” Bryce felt like a shit for saying it, and even more of a shit for hoping that wasn’t the option that happened, because god help him, the only bright spot in all of this was he finally saw hope to be a dad.
The one thing he’d always wanted in life and had thought would never happen.
Something he’d been at peace with because Dustin was his consolation prize, and a perfect one at that.
“I need to think about this.”
Bryce nodded. “Please stay tonight.”
“I…I think
maybe I should go home tonight.”
Pain arced through Bryce’s soul. “Okay.”
“I mean…” Dustin’s lips pressed into a tight line. “I need to think. I can’t think right now. When I’m with you, all I want to do is make you happy, and I can’t say no to you. I need to be alone to think about this.”
A sinking feeling settled within Bryce. “I understand.” He suspected if Dustin walked out his door that he might never return.
He hoped he was wrong, hoped Dustin loved him enough to trust him. He could easily see the two of them being dads. But only if Dustin wanted to be a part of that.
Dustin pulled him in for a hug, his chin rubbing along the top of Bryce’s head. “Are you really sure this is what you want?” Dustin asked. “I mean…duh, not that she’s… I mean, a baby. Are you really sure this is what you want? Not just because you love her?”
“Yeah. I am.”
“The baby part is settled.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yeah.”
He felt Dustin’s breath against his scalp. “Okay,” he quietly said. Then he kissed the top of Bryce’s head. “I won’t say yes or no tonight. I can’t. This isn’t something I can make a snap judgment about.”
“I know.” But he already knew.
Maybe he was wrong, maybe he didn’t have enough faith in Dustin, but Bryce felt he already had his answer.
“I’d be sixty when he’s in high school.”
“You promised no dad comments.”
Dustin’s chin rubbed against his hair again, and Bryce deeply inhaled, wanting to remember this man, every bit of him, fearing this might be their last truly intimate moment together.
“I’m going to go say good-bye to her and head home. I think the two of you need time alone tonight anyway.” He let Bryce sit back.
Regret, sorrow—pain. All those and more echoed in Dustin’s gaze.
“Okay,” Bryce said. He leaned in and kissed him on the lips, slowly, tenderly, trying to let him go in his heart and say good-bye.
His heart broken not once, but twice. Losing Dustin and, eventually, losing Kira.
Dustin touched his forehead to Bryce’s. “I promise I won’t leave you hanging. I’ll try to give you an answer either tomorrow or the day after. I know time’s a…premium.”