THE DEVIL
AS THE
MONK
THE DEVIL AS THE MONK
By PORPHYRO
Copyright 2016 PORPHYRO
THE CAST
ACT I
SCENE 1 - THE MONASTERY
Cloistered up above and beyond the world--protected from its ‘sins’ or ‘heresies’ or simply its ‘bad livings’---five monks peacefully practice their teachings. For years, no one has come. And for years, no one has left. All is in a delicate balance.
The feeling is like late in the evening when that last minute of beauty and radiance gives way to the dark.
But let’s not talk about the evening. For the evening is, above all else, the feeling of rapturous, half-required love. And that does not apply here.
Or--well, that is until Epiphany huffs and puffs her way up the mountains. She unsettles everything.
The five monks all see her coming.
EPIPHANY. I made it! Oh! Oh! I finally made it! Oh!
3. You--
4. Who--?!
EPIPHANY. Oh! I didn’t think I’d make it! But I did!
5. You’re mistak--
EPIPHANY. When they say you’re sheltered from the world, they really mean it. They really do. You’re up way, way up from where I started! I’ve the clouds in my lungs now and the atmosphere up my nose. If I tried, I could reach up and scoop a star out like a pebble. I don’t think I--
2. Silence!
But to everyone’s amazement, she continues.
EPIPHANY. I don’t think I would have tried had I known just how high up all of you really are! But I made it! So where do I sign up? And when do I start? Do I need to buy any schoolbooks or anything? Tee-hee!
3. Bah-bah-bah-bah!
EPIPHANY. What? Bah-bah-bah? But you’re just a sheep. Surely you know better! Where do I put my name down?
4. Your name…!
2. We don’t have names here, girl! Get ou--
EPIPHANY. --you seem to carry a lot of authority around here. I’m not sure if it’s delusional, though.
2. It’s not.
EPIPHANY. It could be.
2. But it’s not.
EPIPHANY. But who are you to decide? It’s all these guys who grant you power. Is he in charge around here?
Everyone’s too shocked to say anything.
EPIPHANY. …well?
The monks just stare and stare at the raving girl.
EPIPHANY. See. No one’s saying, “Yes.”
2. Because--
EPIPHANY. Because you’re not in charge.
2. I know I’m not in charge!
EPIPHANY. Good.
2. I never said I was--
EPIPHANY. Who’s in charge?
Finally, one of the others is brave enough to say something:
5. Girl...you’re not allowed here.
EPIPHANY. Says who? The man in charge? Pleasure to meet you. My name is--
2. We don’t allow names here!
He stomps his angry little monk’s foot up and down. His sheer rage makes for a strange sort of enthusiasm.
Well self-righteousness is a flame that spreads.
Yet another monk feels it’s all right now to chip in some censorious words.
3. You must leave this place at once!
EPIPHANY. Ok. Anybody have keys to the helicopter?
4. Sorry!
3. Heli...copter??? But where does she think she is?
1. Perhaps this is good.
5. What do you mean? “Perhaps this is good???”
2. Perhaps it’s not!
3. Perhaps it’s disastrous!
4. But it might be--!
EPIPHANY. Yeah! He’s got the right idea! It might be what, pal?
4. Ooooooooh!
2. You see?
5. Terrible.
3. Disastrous!
1. This might be the best thing that’s happened to us. Listen!
2. I will have no part in this. Come on. Let’s go.
EPIPHANY. But who are you talking to? Because nobody’s listening! They’re listening to him. The man in charge! Go on, Grandpa! Why am I such a good idea?
1. You bring the world to us.
EPIPHANY. Aww, chucks! You barely just met me! How could I mean the world to you?
3. Bring.
EPIPHANY. Bring what?
5. The world.
EPIPHANY. Oh. I can’t do that. Are you kidding me? I could barely bring myself up here. Bring you the world…. Even Atlas couldn’t bring you the world! He can’t even take a step, let alone trolley himself up these rocks.
3. Atlas?
5. Who’s Atlas?
2. Atlas is--
4. Tell me about Atlas!
EPIPHANY. Oh. Uhhh….
2. He’s a--
EPIPHANY. He’s a turtle who holds up the stars, I think.
2. No! He’s--
4. All hail Atlas!
5. They have funny beliefs down where you come from.
1. See? She brings the world to us. We didn’t know about Atlas--
2. She doesn’t know about Atlas. I could have told you who Atlas really was.
1. But in all your years here, you never did.
2. Because--
1. Brothers! Please listen to me. Brothers, over the years, I have been considering the possibility of going down back to civilization.
Everyone’s shocked.
3. You of all people will renounce your vows?
5. You of all people will return to civilization?
1. No! It’s not because I wish to quit this way of life. That’s not it at all. Rather I’m eager to put my knowledge to the test. Up here, I have learned much about life. Much. I do not consider myself wise, but I certainly think I’m wiser than I once was. But up here...ah! Isn’t it the hiker before his hike? Even before he starts, he imagines finishing his journey and reflecting on it. Well actually being on the road is an altogether different beast. Isn’t it, girl?
EPIPHANY. I thought I’d be up here in a matter of hours. Not days. A week! I almost died at various points.
1. Yes.
EPIPHANY. Wait. What if I did?
1. Being up--
EPIPHANY. What if you’re all ghouls and ghosts? You certainly are, you snarler.
2. Ow!
EPIPHANY. Oh! Well that solves that.
2. Not quite invisible am I? You’re going to wish I were.
EPIPHANY. That’s a threat! Those are grounds for expulsion! Right?
4. Well...! We can certainly make an argument for it.
1. Being up here and practicing ‘The Way’ is one thing. But being down there and actually living it is something else. Imagine yourselves as gluttons. You come up here to cure yourself of your unclean passions. And, indeed, after much time, you succeed in stemming the flow of those energies. But, Brothers: are you truly free of those old desires? Or have you merely made it easy to escape them? Here, there’s barely any food to eat. Let alone to gorge on. It’s impossible to fall to temptation. But what about down there where there’s plenty?
Epiphany feels like saying something funny, but all of her juice has run out. It takes a lot of energy just listening to these people. They’re so dry…. They’re so damn dry!
1. We develop our strengths by daily putting up a good fight. We must battle ourselves to the death. Once we learn how to struggle with ourselves up here, we ought to practice our studies. This is what has been on my mind lately, Brothers.
2. Bah! We practice them up here. All that’s just bad philosophy.
3. What do you su
ggest then? Huh?
2. I suggest we stay up here as we have. All this woman has done is stirred the old man crazy. Perhaps he remembers someone whenever he looks at her. Well the temptation one ought to do violence against is the temptation to go down. Remember, Brothers! It’s impossible to live spiritually in human society.
Epiphany wonders if they’re just being extra boring for her sake. On a normal day, they probably sleep a lot more and talk a lot less, yeah? Yeah?
5. Yes, this is true.
2. Down below, it’s impossible to live as one should. By its very purpose, human society designs to control what it should not.
3. Yes. I agree.
4. Oooooh.... I don’t know what to think.
1. I am not suggesting we abandon ‘our path.’ I agree: we ought to keep to our monastery. But only with open arms. We must accept the girl.
EPIPHANY. Huh? “Accept this....” Hey! That’s right!
4. Yes! We should!
1. It is no secret many of you are attracted to her.
4. But why are you all looking at me?!
5. You can barely hide your boner!
1. I think the girl has much to teach us.
3. And, if we take her in, much to learn as well.
He crosses his arms bitterly.
5. That’s right. ...girl? Why are you here?
EPIPHANY. Iunno.
5. What do you know about us?
EPIPHANY. Well, you don’t pay taxes. And you don’t work, so...
5. What do you know about our beliefs?
Didn’t she just answer his question?
EPIPHANY. You don’t believe in paying taxes or working.
2. She doesn’t know a thing about us.
1. She’s perfect.
4. She is!
1. She comes with no false ideas.
2. She comes with no ideas at all.
1. Good. They are easier to cultivate than to eradicate. There is nothing so dangerous as a bad idea.
2. Well, she’s a bad idea.
EPIPHANY. Hey, dickwad! What have I ever done to you anyway?
3. If a man thinks he has a chance with a woman, he’s overly sweet.
5. And if he knows it’s never going to happen, but still retains affections....
3. Yes. He becomes overly bitter.
2. All of you are ridiculous.
EPIPHANY. So when do I start?
1. Later tonight. Take a tour around the place and relax your mind. You will need to be acute.
EPIPHANY. Awww! You’re a charmer. You really are, old guy. I am not cute. Shut up!
2. No. You’re a moron.
4. A cutie!
5. A novice!
3. And she’s late! Get to it!
EPIPHANY. Whaaaa?! Why are you barking at me?
3. Because you’re just standing around! You ought to be calming yourself. You were given a command! Get to it!
EPIPHANY. It’s awful hard to force contemplation!
3. You will have to learn!
EPIPHANY. Stop barking!
3. Get to it! Get! Get!
EPIPHANY. All right, all right! Ooooo! A tree! ...Aaaaaah! A leech!
The rest of them walk off.
SCENE 2 - OUT AND ABOUT IN MONK NOOKS AND MONK CRANNIES
The monks are trying to train the girl, but she’s too distracted by “the shivers” to concentrate. It’s the coldest she’s ever been. Or so she claims.
EPIPHANY. Brrr! This is the coldest I’ve ever been.
3. Or so you claim.
5. You couldn’t have been any warmer on your climb.
EPIPHANY. But I was. Not only was there the fire of motion, there was also the sheer burn of reaching the goal. But now that I’m here? I’m ice.
1. You’ve only just begun the goal.
EPIPHANY. Uh, no. I actually finished it.
1. One never finishes it.
EPIPHANY. Uh, yeah they do. That’s why I’m up here.
5. You’re thinking of it in a concrete way--
EPIPHANY. Then think about it like cement. Porcelain. I don’t care. Done’s done. ...hey! Is it true you guys have a disease up here where if you eat a bunch of daises, they sprout all over your arms and all over you face? And the only way to cure it is to throw yourself into a conflagration of flowers?
4. Is that true?
2. No. Not at all.
EPIPHANY. How would you know? How can you be so certain? The burden of proof’s on you.
2. We don’t have any daises up here.
EPIPHANY. Well that’s pretty damning. But still. I don’t expect you’ve checked every nook.
4. He hasn’t.
5. Because there isn’t any need for it.
3. But it’s precisely the type of tedious work that helps identify a monk.
1. Yes. Once a monk defeats the two-headed dragon--
EPIPHANY. Now that’s what I’m talking about!
5. He’s speaking metaphorically.
EPIPHANY. Then what does the metaphor stand for? A two-headed bird? That’s still pretty cool if I get to eat it.
1. The--
EPIPHANY. I’d roast it first, of course.
1. The--
EPIPHANY. And pluck it, too. Sorry! Go on, go on. I’ll be quiet.
1. The--
EPIPHANY. I promise! …sorry, sorry! It’s just too funny. Ok, main man--
2. He’s not the ‘main man.’
EPIPHANY. Well you’re certainly not.
1. The two-headed dragon symbolizes pain and boredom. If, as a monk, you overcome those twin emotions, you are capable of overcoming anything.
5. Indeed. You must learn how to watch yourself from a distance. Imagine a road, if you will, that stretches out for a thousand miles. Were you to run that road....
A thousand miles, a thousand miles, a thousand miles. “Run a thousand miles.” It’s a hideous echo inside of Epiphany’s head.
5. Yes, girl. The entire thing. Should you actually stand a chance at completing it, you’d have to master the dissociative arts.
A thousand miles, a thousand miles, a thousand miles. These people are nuts!
3. If you detach from the body and watch yourself run, you’re capable of ignoring pain.