Rob Reger and Jessica Gruner
Emily the Strange
Piece of Mind
Illustrated by
Rob Reger and Buzz Parker
Dedication
for Lupa (the punk-rock kitty)
Apple blossoms give
Fuzzy memories of one
Sweet little Lupa
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Begin Reading
Appendix
Read all of Emily’s Strange Adventures
About the Author
Also Strange
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
May 8
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
—Mark Twain
NEW JOURNAL! Bought it today as a treat for myself. Am in need of some quiet journal-style downtime. Have been under much stress. Here are some reasons why:
Waaaaaaaay too much schoolwork. Granted, since I am homeschooling myself this year, I have only myself to blame.
Must also factor in a great deal of kicking. Kicking myself, that is, for said insane course load.
Raven is in dire need of a tune-up, which I don’t have time to give her.
So she’s glitching out all over the place. Uncontrolled blinking, unexplained smiling, unwelcome bursts of laughter…and the other day I walked in on her using my phone! Had to remind her that phones are for humans, not golems.
Lack of liquid black rock = far less weird science in my life than I’d like.
The persistent haunting feeling that, by now, I really should know how to summon said liquid black rock is not helping the general mood, either.
Half-completed Barely begun lab projects are piling up and adding to the general chaos of my room.
And instead of snuggling peacefully, bringing me snack treats, or completing assignments for me, my cats are only adding to the craziness.
For example: Miles woke me in the middle of the day by barfing in my ear. I mean literally IN MY EAR. Ewwwwwwwwwww.
Sabbath chewed Mom’s fave pair of combat boots to gooey shreds. Had to bury them in the yard before she found out.
Mystery has developed some type of feline obsessive-compulsive disorder and will only eat her kibble if I hand-feed it to her 13 pieces at a time.
NeeChee has come down with some variety of mange, or possibly scabies. He’s scratching like crazy and leaving fur all over the place.
SOMEONE is thinking outside the box. Cat box, that is.
At least the end of the school year is only a week away. Hallelujah and all that. Have really enjoyed homeschooling myself, but constant self-discipline has been more of a pain in the cheeks than I expected. Am soooooooo ready for the summer and some irresponsible mischief-style use of my time for a change! Now, if only Mom would let up on her family-togetherness-style summer planning, I might actually have some fun. She is making a huge deal out of me finishing my first actual year of school and has been coming up with celebration plans. Unfortunately, her latest celebration idea is for us to take a long cruise to someplace sunny. WITHOUT my cats. WITHOUT my golem. Does she know me AT ALL??? Needless to say, I would gnaw off a limb to avoid this kind of “celebration.” I know she’s just trying to plan something fun, but she hasn’t really considered that her idea of fun and mine are not super compatible. We will both be happier if we take separate vacations like we do every year!!! Am thinking of sending her off on this cruise by herself while I stay behind and “take care of” the house. Or if she prefers to stay home, I’m cool with being the one to leave town. As long as my summer is A) unsupervised, B) unstructured, and C) mischief-packed, I’m good.
Of course, it goes without saying that I would also REALLY like my summer to include the summoning of black rock. If I’ve learned one thing from Great-Aunt Millie in all those sessions of Strange Family 101, it’s that, well, the general non-Strange population is helpless against a Strange girl who’s been fully trained in Mischief and Mayhem by her Dead Dark Auntie.
But if I’ve learned a SECOND thing from Great-Aunt Millie, it’s that some of my coolest ancestors had a flow of liquid black rock under their control—black rock that was tied to some pretty awe-inspiring talents. Am really hoping that black rock (and an accompanying amazing talent) will be mine soon as well!
Have been trying super hard to summon my own supply for months, though, with no success. Since I have no idea HOW to summon it, my efforts so far have entailed some creative visualization, a dash of interpretive dance, a smattering of fake-magical words, and a lot of intense facial contortions.
Up to now, the only thing I’ve succeeded in summoning is a strong sense of foolishness.
SIGH. I have been so flamdrabbling obsessed with the black rock lately, and where has that gotten me? Maybe a more Zen approach is what I need. Focus on the mischief, and the black rock will follow!
Yeah. Let’s hope it is that easy.
Will have to impress Mom with one last eXtreme burst of self-organization and self-education so that she is wowed into agreeing to leave the rest of the summer entirely up to me. Self-regulation and self-guidance are WAY more self-pleasing when done for self-serving purposes. Am patting self on back for this plan!!!!
Later
NeeChee has just come looking for snuggles. Poor guy, his coat is looking family-shamingly shabby. Will have to get him under the microscope and see exactly which parasitic species is giving him grief so I can whip up an antidote.
Am now feeling kind of sorry for my misbehaving cats. They probably just miss me. Have not been able to spend long, lazy hours with them because of my self-inflicted heavy workload. Well, the end is in sight, and soon I can make it up to them. Have informed them they are included in—they are ESSENTIAL to—my summer-mischief-style plans.
Later
Here is my plan for final projects that are sure to dazzle Mom into leaving me alone all summer:
Current Developments in Particle Physics: One-paragraph summary of my learnings—in words of one syllable. (MUCH harder than it sounds!!)
How-To with Glue: Matchstick model of a caffeine molecule.
Golem Programming: Get Raven to respond in complete, well-enunciated sentences. Am tired of “Iono.”
Basics of Magic: Sleight-of-hand performance. No sleeves allowed!!!
Great Poetry of the 13th Century: Original epic saga in the style of the time.
Advanced Practicum in Krav Maga: Spar with Raven.
Plant Identification 101: Demonstrate my knowledge of plant species with a thought experiment (thought invention?)—a heinous crossbreed that would be delightful but totally unethical to create for real.
Complex Numbers: Performance of original music expressing a complex number of my choice.
Skateboarding 223 (Deck Modifications): Exposition on concept, design, and development of my latest enhancement—heel-activated jet propulsion for super speedy getaways.
Independent Filmmaking 101: Independent film on topic of my choice, independently filmed.
Locksport 445: Demo of advanced key-bumping techniques.
Fingerpainting: Family portrait with dead Great-Aunts.
History of the Strange Family 101: An evening of quality time with my favorite ancestor (MOM)—OK, yes, this was a strategic decision. I’m going for the heartstrings here!
Later
Have presented the above list to Mom. She was suitably impressed with all items except number 13. She says that as much as she’d like some quality time with me, this does not qualify as an accomplishment/it is far below my capabilities/I am clearly attempting to use emotional manipulation to get a good grade/I should not expect school credit for hanging out with my mother/blah
blah blah. She is pushing for a research paper. I am pushing back equally hard, pointing out the backbreaking effort involved in items one through twelve, and the fact that I’d’ve done about 1/13th of this work if I’d gone to regular school. Mom countered that I’d’ve also been 13 times more bored and irritated with my life if I’d gone to regular school. SIGH. Will try to come up with a suitable compromise.
Just another friendly mother-daughter battle over the merits and drawbacks of research papers.
Later
Visited Great-Aunt Millie in the attic to get her input on a good final assignment for Strange 101. She was too busy howling in the rafters to pay me any mind. Recent development, the howling. She started up one night after I complained that as poltergeists go, she was far too mild-mannered.
Anyway, it’s rarely a good plan to ask her anything during the witching hour. Will come back when hauntin’ time is over.
Later
Have subjected NeeChee to a thorough inspection under the microscope. Have not found any parasites. Have given him a good bathing and instructed him to take it easy on himself. Have also given Miles some stomach-soothing homeopathic remedies, reminded Sabbath that chewing is properly done on chew toys, and divided Mystery’s kibble into neat piles of exactly 13 pieces each. Am hoping this takes care of my cat-mothering duties for the night. I REALLY need to get some serious schoolwork done, and feline distractions are the last thing I need. Am realizing that while items four, six, and eleven on my list will be easy (are basically already done, in fact), the rest will take much work and preparation. Snarvblots!
Much Later
OK. Have completed my caffeine molecule model. It took 4.6 hours. Am exhausted and the sun is almost up. Going to bed.
May 9
Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.
—Gustave Flaubert
Am finishing up an early dinner, since my final class of Strange Family 101 starts in ten minutes. Aunt Millie has requested that I bring Raven with me tonight. Odd. Maybe she wants some heavy furniture moved or lead pipes bent into fanciful shapes.
Later
Have just had THEE most unusual session of Strange Family 101—and THAT’S saying a lot!
Am actually kinda stunned by the things I have seen and heard in the past hour…but will do my best to put it all down on paper as it happened.
Here goes:
OK, to start with—Great-Aunt Millie did NOT need Raven for her strength of muscle but for her weakness of mind. What I mean is, she needed my golem as an empty shell for ANOTHER one of my Dead Dark Great-Aunts to inhabit. (Clapjax…I just LOVE that I can write sentences like that about my family!!!) Yeah. So. For the past hour, Raven has not been Raven at all but Great-Aunt Emma!
Strangest family gathering EVARRR.
After I was done being surprised to hear Aunt Emma’s voice coming out of my golem’s mouth, and once we’d all finished the obligatory small talk, our conversation turned to my favorite topic: my ancestral treasure and the legacy of the Dark Aunts—the mysterious, magical, majestic, liquid black rock.
If only I could have reported that Aunt Millie’s lessons in Dark Girl history hadn’t been in vain. That my visit to Aunt Emma’s home, and my experiences with HER black rock, had been of some use. That it wasn’t for nothing that I traveled two hundred years back in time to coach Aunt Lily to master black rock and to keep Uncle Boris away from it.
I couldn’t report any of that, of course.
GREAT-AUNT EMMA:
Emily, let’s get to the heart of the matter here. Am I correct in surmising that you have not yet summoned the black rock?
ME:
[Hanging my head.] You’re correct. I really have tried, Aunt Emma. I chanted some poetry, and meditated in the vulture pose, and even went on a fairly embarrassing vision quest, which DID give me some great material for a dream sequence, if I ever make a coming-of-age movie that features a wisecracking tarantula wearing an Elvira wig…but no black rock yet.
GAE:
This is of great concern to me, and to all your other Dark Aunts.
ME:
So…do you know for sure that I SHOULD be able to summon it? I mean, not every Dark Girl got control of black rock, right?
GREAT-AUNT MILLIE:
Youuuuu arrre riiight, Emmillly…I nnnneverrr summmmonnnnned it mysssselllllf.
GAE:
True. But we have reason to believe that you should be able to.
ME:
[Excited.] Really? Why?
GAE:
Because you are no ordinary Dark Girl, Emily. You’re the THIRTEENTH Dark Girl.
ME:
Well, aside from being a cool number, what does that mean, exactly?
GAE:
Every thirteen generations, the black rock becomes unstable. Up for grabs, as you young people say. If a Dark Girl does not succeed in harnessing its power for herself, control of it may shift.
ME:
Shift…to whom?
GAE:
To a Shady Uncle! And if that should happen, black rock will belong to THAT side of the family for the next thirteen generations.
ME:
But I don’t even have an uncle. Who…oh, wait a minute. Was Aunt Lily’s Uncle Boris a Shady Uncle?
GAM:
Heeeeeee was innnndeeeeed!
ME:
So I guess some of Boris’ descendants are Shady Uncles too. What about that annoying jerkwad I’m always having to cleverly hornswaggle? Y’know, Attikol? Is he one of them?
GAM:
Moooore thannn likelllllly.
ME:
Then help me out here, Dark Aunties…HOW do I summon it before he does?
GAE:
[Frustrated.] I don’t know. What works for one Dark Girl will not work for another, we know that much.
ME:
What else do we know?
GAE:
Unfortunately, that is the extent of our knowledge, though Aunt Millie and I have long suspected—or hoped, if you will—that our eldest aunts may have left some sort of instructions for the thirteenth Dark Girl.
ME:
Can we ask them?
GAE:
I’ve tried, my dear! But they have gone on into the great darkness, as we too will someday. How often have I called out to them! But all in vain, for there is never any response.
ME:
So they’re, like, gone forever?
GAM:
Nnnnot necessssssarily. They returrrrrned to welllllcome meeeee, and Lilllllly, and Emmmmmmmma to our full powerrrrrrrs.
GAE:
And they will likely do the same for you, Emily…
ME:
[Sighing.] Yeah. WHEN and IF I summon the black rock. I really hate to be letting you down like this. If it helps any, as far as Attikol’s concerned, you can chill on that front. He may be my archenemy, but the guy is not bright!
GAE:
He need not be bright, Emily, as long as he is SHADY. Remember, if he ever once summons the black rock, your chance at it will be lost forever!
GAM:
Annnnd it willll be lossst to the next thirrrrrteeen Darrrrk Girrrrlsss as welllllll!
Crazy stuff, huh? Anyway, we had to wrap up around that point because Great-Aunt Emma was feeling the strain of manifesting her spirit in Raven’s body. Before she disappeared, she promised to do her best to keep searching for any kind of information that might help me summon black rock. Am not holding my breath, though. I mean, no one gave her or Aunt Lily step-by-step instructions. They summoned it because THEY found their special way to summon it. Now that my last class of Family Strange is over, it’s really up to me to figure out what that might be for me!
All the same, I can understand why my Dead Dark Aunts are sorta peering nervously over my shoulder. I mean, I want my black rock more than anything in the world. And as a close second, I REALLY want to find out what my unique, black-rock-driven talent might be. Aunt Emma bu
ilt with it, Aunt Amelia painted with it, Aunt Lily used it to heal…What am I gonna do with it? Channel it through a guitar into virtuospastic aural thrashings? Weave an epic macramé Earth-cozy that will block out the sun forever? Surf tsunamis of it to the moon?
When I think of what could happen instead, it gives me the super-creepy-horrors. Lose black rock? To lame old Attikol? For the next 13 generations? It just CAN’T happen that way!
Not sure what I can do about it, aside from trying again (and again, and again, and again…) to summon the stuff.
Later
Since frantic summoning has produced no results, am actually trying the Zen approach. Am working on my final projects instead. Maybe occupying my conscious mind with arduous schoolwork will free up some hidden summoning powers!
Have assigned Raven to constant cat supervision. Of course, that only works so well, since there are four misbehaving felines and just one of her. And she is unfortunately prone to waywardness herself, though due more to lack of mind than mischief. Let’s also not forget that each cat is approximately 333% more intelligent than Raven. Well, she can at least keep them out of earshot, so I can get some work done! Have exiled them all from the house until daybreak.
The Posse and their babysitter!
Later
Dude. I should exile the cats and Raven from the house more often!!! Have been peacefully working on item number eight on my list. I came up with the coolest melody expressing the imaginary component of my complex number. Am getting so much accomplished, I may be able to knock out number five as well. I just had the most amazing idea for my epic saga! It’ll open with a