He’s alive.
I promised to do whatever she asked when I feared he’d be remembered as a traitor instead of a hero, and she took everything I had to give as payment. Once she had me under her thumb, it quickly became a slippery slope filled with reminders and threats to keep me in line until I’d fallen so far down the rabbit hole I didn’t know how to find my way out.
He’s alive.
I can’t stop the tears from falling. I can’t force back the sobs of relief that something like this is actually happening. How many people lose someone they love, knowing they’ll never see them again, never touch them again, never hear their voice again, only to find out it was all a mistake? How many people wish they could turn back the clock for just one more moment, just a few seconds in time so they could look into their loved one’s eyes, run their hands down the side of their loved one’s face, and hear them speak? It’s a dream that everyone who’s lost someone has. A dream that slowly turns into a nightmare you feel like you’ll never wake up from. Something you know is impossible, but you can’t stop obsessing about. I’ve prayed and I’ve screamed and I’ve cried, wanting the impossible, and now, I have it.
He’s alive.
I gave up everything to protect him and to save his sister from a controversy that would ruin her in this town. They’d already suffered enough after their parents died—the rumors, the whispers, the finger-pointing and judgment following them everywhere they went…they didn’t need anything else marring their fragile reputation. Especially something so completely absurd as Eli being a traitor to his country.
Every dream I let slip through my fingers, every decision I handed over for someone else to make for me, and every piece of myself I’ve lost in the last five years was for him. No matter how badly he shattered my heart, nothing could erase the good memories he left behind. I’ve wished on over a thousand stars for over a thousand days for closure and to finally have an answer why. My heart never healed and I could never let go because I just wanted to know why.
Why he lied.
Why he used me.
Why he left the way he did.
The hardest thing I’ve ever done was get out of bed the morning after news hit that he was gone and live through the pain of knowing he’d never smile again, never laugh again, never speak again, never exist again. It was the hardest thing until now.
He’s alive.
I could try and pretend this news will finally set me free, but that would just be a waste of time. I know my mother will find a way to make sure I don’t stray from the path she’s forced me to take.
The hardest thing I’ll have to do is face him again and let him see what I’ve become, knowing I’ll never be able to tell him the truth without repercussions. I’ll finally get the closure I need, but I know it will cost me. Nothing in this life is free.
“Oh, good, you turned on the news. Can you believe this?”
Landry rushes toward me and takes the remote from my hand, changing the channel to another news outlet. His preoccupation gives me time to push back my feelings, take control of my mind and my heart, wipe the tears from my cheeks, and remove all traces of the hope and fear and desperation that I know are written all over my face. I stare at Landry’s profile and watch a muscle tick in his jaw as he listens to the news. A jaw I’ve run my fingers over and kissed. My eyes move down to his hand clutching tightly to the remote as he switches back and forth between channels. A hand that I’ve held tightly in my own and felt roaming all over my body. Seeing him standing here next to me is like a bucket of cold water dumped over my head, bringing me back to reality, reminding me of the promises I made and what my life is now.
He’s alive.
“Your mother is losing her mind because a reporter did some digging and called her with this crazy story that you had an affair with that Elijah guy they found and they want her to make a statement,” Landry says with a laugh. “Didn’t he used to work here on the plantation as a stable boy? Shelby Eubanks, the heiress of the Eubanks empire and daughter of the Queen of Charleston, dating a stable boy! The things these people will come up with to make headlines…”
His voice sounds far away and echoes in my ear like he’s speaking inside a tunnel instead of right in front of me, pointing the remote at the television and flipping from one channel to the next, while he drones on and on about the impossibility that I would ever lower myself to have an affair with the hired help.
“Lieutenant Elijah James has been found alive…”
“Presumed dead, Lieutenant Elijah James…”
“Elijah James…”
“Elijah James…”
“Elijah James…”
The name I never thought I’d hear again feels like the stab of a knife into my chest each time another newsperson utters it until my vision starts to blur and my shaking legs finally give out. My body crumbles and I stare up at Landry as he drops the remote and quickly turns when he hears me hit the floor. He looks like he’s standing in front of a strobe light, his worried face vanishing and then quickly reappearing as my eyes blink rapidly.
I’ve spent the last five years compartmentalizing things into before and after. There’s a secret place in my head where I’ve hidden all of my memories of before Eli died. I keep those memories buried and refuse to think about them. I refuse to remember that time in my life when I was young and stupid and so foolishly in love and full of dreams. When my leg wasn’t made up of shattered bones with pins holding them together. When dancing, and the love I had for a man who was so different from me, were going to be my ticket away from this town and out of this life.
After Eli died, after my dreams died…that’s who I am now. Moving through life like a robot and locking the door to before is the only way I know how to keep moving, keep breathing, and keep waking up each morning.
I never thought before and after would collide. I never thought I’d have to unlock that door and be forced to brace myself for the explosion of memories, covering my head and shielding my heart from the pain I know it will bring.
I hear Landry shout for help from far away and I close my eyes, letting the darkness take me away from the name that continues to whisper through my ears.
Elijah James.
He’s alive.
And it will cost me.
Tara Sivec is a USA Today best-selling author, wife, mother, chauffeur, maid, short-order cook, baby-sitter, and sarcasm expert. She lives in Ohio with her husband and two children and looks forward to the day when all three of them become adults and move out.
After working in the brokerage business for fourteen years, Tara decided to pick up a pen and write instead of shoving it in her eye out of boredom. Her novel Seduction and Snacks won first place in the Indie Romance Convention Reader’s Choice Awards 2013 for Best Indie First Book and she was voted as Best Author in the Indie Romance Convention Reader’s Choice Awards for 2014.
In her spare time, Tara loves to dream about all of the baking she’ll do and naps she’ll take when she ever gets spare time.
You can learn more at:
http://tarasivec.com/
Twitter at @TaraSivec
Facebook at http://facebook.com/TaraSivec.authorpage
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Tara Sivec, Wish You Were Mine
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