And while I was waiting for a response, he did the strangest thing—he just shook his head and laughed.
LAUGHED!
And I was so surprised by his reaction it took me a moment or two to get that it wasn’t the kind of laugh that was inviting me to join in. It was more the kind that was directed at US. How we were standing there together, in that room, sharing a moment that was so small it couldn’t possibly be anything other than funny. As though the two of us together, was so unworthy, so insignificant, it became a big fat joke.
And when he finally stopped laughing, he said, “It does not really matter anymore, does it?”
I stood there, staring down at my suntanned feet, my eyes focused on my peach-colored polish, my silver toe ring, and the tiny star tattoo my mom still doesn’t know about. Because even though I’ve always known we would end, I never imagined it would hurt like this.
So after biting my lip so hard I practically drew blood, after blinking my eyes so many times I finally chased away the tears, I brushed my hair off my face, tucked it behind my ears, and said, “You’re right, none of it matters anymore. So…”
I wanted to finish with something light, and pithy, maybe even sarcastic. Something that would let him know I was right there with him, that I thought it was funny too, that I was perfectly okay, despite all outward appearances.
But in the end, I didn’t say anything. Because my throat was searing again, my vision was blurred, and since I couldn’t afford to let him see me like that, I turned and ran straight out of that horrible, dusty room—and all the way home.
Or at least back to my summer home.
Tally and Tassos’s home.
I guess I’m not really sure where home is anymore.
Cruel Summer
August 17
Okay, I know that just a few days ago I swore the blog was history, over, kaput! But since there’s still two weeks left of summer, I figured I may as well see it all the way through to the bitter end. Partly because it gives me something to do, but mostly because I’m turning over a new leaf, so to speak, which means I am newly committed to finishing the things that I start.
Also, I’m determined to hold my position as Petros’s #1 customer. Which pretty much requires me to spend some serious time (and money!) right here in his café!
And even though I know it probably sounds crazy, especially since I spent the entire first month pretty much hating every single thing about this place (I mean, Tinos, not the café), now that it’s almost time for me to leave, I’m actually kind of sad.
So with that in mind, I’ve been spending less time in my room, and more time at the beach and exploring the island, sometimes with Tally and Tassos, sometimes just out on my own, taking pictures of everything I experience—a few of which you can see here:
1) This is my still-missing kitten, Mr. Holly Golightly. He is a black male with blue eyes and a white streak across his forehead. He likes to be petted, but only a little, because mostly he likes to run free. So if you find him (and I hope that you do because he’s been missing for more than a week—and I’m VERY worried about him) please pick him up gently (but don’t hold him too tight, because he will fight like hell to get away), and bring him straight to Petros’s Internet café, or my aunt Tally’s gift shop (located at the very end of the same street).
2) This is the first vase I made that didn’t collapse! It only took me about one hundred and eighty-five tries to get to this point—and trust me, that is only a SLIGHT exaggeration. And the only reason I even made it this far is because Tassos is like the world’s most patient, kind, knowledgeable, and generous (did I say PATIENT?) teacher. And later today, he’s going to teach me how to glaze it and fire it, and I can hardly wait to see how it turns out. (And if it’s any good, I’ll post a picture!)
3) This is a pair of earrings I made last night with Tally, while we sat outside on the terrace, eating this amazing rice pudding (with a name I can’t pronounce much less spell but which has a direct translation of “rice milk”) as we watched the sunset, listened to the Beatles, and made jewelry. And even though I really like the way these turned out, I’m thinking I might give them to a friend of mine, because as Tally always says—“You should always give what you want for yourself.” Whatever, I just hope my friend likes them too.
4) This is a picture of a place called Exobourgo, which is this amazing mountain that a friend of mine once took me to, and it’s so pretty I decided to go back on my own. It only takes around fifteen or twenty minutes to hike all the way to the top, and once you’re up there, the view is amazing! Seriously, you can see all of Tinos and some of the other Cyclades islands as well. It’s really pretty magical, and if you don’t believe me, then check out #5.
5) See? Is that not the most amazing view EVER? That was taken from the very top of Exobourgo, and I have to say I’ve never seen anything like it back home! Look how calm that turquoise water is, how the distant houses resemble shiny little sugar cubes, and how the surrounding islands look like glimmering brown jewels! It’s so amazing I wish you could see for yourself, but for now, this will have to do!
6) Okay, since the rest are just pictures of landscapes, I’m not going to identify every single location shot. Besides, if you’ve been following this blog at all, then you should be very familiar with dirt, rocks, and geraniums by now. I know I am!
Enjoy—
Colby
August 17
To: NatalieZee
From: ColbyCat
Re: Arizona?
Hey Nat,
I wish I could answer your question, but I can’t. Because the truth is I have no idea whether I’ll be going back to Harbor, moving to Arizona, or enrolling in Cyber School (and no, I have no idea what that is, but I heard my parents mention it once during one of their many fights, so I can’t go ruling it out). Because as my mom recently explained, she had no idea the house would sell that quickly, and to quote her directly, she is now—“Doing my best, meeting with agents, frantically searching and putting the word out for a nice, affordable place for us to live, so DON’T go accusing me of not looking, or caring, or taking this seriously, Colby!”
She also assures me that she will let me know the moment she secures something, so I really need to “stop bugging her, stop second-guessing her, and just let her handle it.”
Whatever.
Anyway, it’s really nice of you and your mom to offer to let me use your address so I can stay at Harbor, but I really don’t want to impose, or get you guys in trouble or anything, and besides, I still don’t even know if I’ll need it. But thanks anyway.
Also, to answer your question, NO, Amanda has not offered to let me use her address. So, feel free to draw your own conclusions.
Okay, Petros is closing up shop for siesta—so, gotta go!
Colby
Colby’s Journal for Desperate Times
August 19
So yesterday started like any other day. I woke up, I ate breakfast, I showered, I checked all around the house, both inside and out, to see if Holly had come back (he hadn’t) and then I headed out the door and down to the café, taking my usual route, and enjoying the nice, sunny, slightly windy day, but also thinking how it wasn’t really so different from any other day I’d spent here. I mean, I actually remember thinking those very words.
But as it turns out, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
Because by the time I’d made it to the café and was reaching for the door handle, I was no longer thinking about much of anything, no longer noticing my surroundings, because I was back on autopilot, expecting just to go inside, say hi to Petros, order my frappe, and sit at my usual table where I’d log on and start blogging away.
Which is why I was so surprised to find the door locked.
So surprised that I immediately tried to open it again. Only it was still locked. And even after I’d taken a step back and gazed at the sign in the window, clearly seeing how it read CLOSED and NOT OPEN, it was as though I still coul
dn’t quite make my eyes believe it. So I cupped my hands around my face and peered inside. And even though I didn’t see anyone in there, that didn’t stop me from tapping hard on the window, and yelling for Petros to come out from the back room and unlock the door and let me in already.
And even after he still didn’t answer, I just continued to stand there, gazing inside, wondering if it was some kind of holiday I wasn’t aware of.
But after awhile, when my laptop bag started carving a nice, deep wedge into my shoulder as I gawked at the locked and empty room, I finally decided to just let it go and was turning to leave when I spotted Yannis, coming out of a shop, just a few doors away.
Well, my heart started racing, and my palms started to sweat, and I felt so suddenly panicked (not to mention suddenly ridiculous for feeling so suddenly panicked) that I looked all around, frantically searching for somewhere to hide, someplace I could duck into, where he wouldn’t see me.
Only there was no place. Because I was trapped in plain sight, and he was heading straight for me. And left with no other option, I took a deep breath and ordered myself to just grow up, relax, and deal with it already. And just as I was doubting I could even do that, it occurred to me that he probably wasn’t coming toward ME at all. He was probably just trying to get to the end of the street, a street through which no fault of his own, I happened to be on.
So then just as he got that much closer, I turned really quickly and started walking away, the soles of my sandals slapping the pavement as though I had somewhere to be.
And even after he started calling my name, going, “Colby! Hey! Please wait!” I just kept going. Even when I started to feel pretty winded, I pushed on. Because no way was I going to stop to see what he wanted. I mean, I’d barely gotten through our last little meeting, so I definitely wasn’t up for a do-over.
But apparently, all that construction work has left Yannis in way better shape than me, because the next thing I knew, his hand was on my shoulder, and he was pretty much forcing me to stop, turn, and face him. And when I finally gave up and gave in, when I finally turned and looked, his face seemed so sad and so serious, my heart skipped a few beats.
Because in that exact moment I KNEW he was about to apologize. I was POSITIVE he was going to take it all back, everything he’d said, including the horrible way he’d laughed at me/us. I mean, it was so obvious, the proof was right there before me, all I had to do was look into his eyes and see it.
And the only thing left was for me to decide whether or not to accept.
But instead he said, “Colby, I’m so sorry, but Petros is dead.”
I stared at him, for what felt like the longest time, but was probably only a few seconds, and then I said, “No he’s not.” Then I started back down the street.
Though I’d barely taken two steps before he was right on top of me again, and this time he put both hands on my shoulders, looked me right in the eye, and said, “Colby, Petros had a heart attack. He didn’t make it.”
But I just shook my head and pulled away. “You’re wrong. I just saw him yesterday, and for your information he was totally fine,” I said, trying to understand why he’d even attempt to do something so cruel. I mean, what did he hope to get out of it? Why was he trying so hard to hurt me?
But even though he was shaking his head, saying, “Colby, please listen, it’s true. They were even going to airlift him to Athens but he did not make it. I’m very sorry to have to tell you this,” I just turned back around and headed home.
And when I saw Tally and Tassos that night, they confirmed it was true. But even though they fussed all over me, asking if I was all right, insisting that it’s perfectly okay to cry, I just couldn’t. I mean, it’s not like I knew Petros all that well. It’s not like I’d let myself get all attached. He was just some guy who provided coffee and an Internet connection. That’s it, nothing more.
Just like Yannis was a guy I once skinny-dipped with.
And Holly was just some cat I rescued until he was well enough to go off on his own.
And if at any time in the past, I was careless enough to think that any of those things had any more value than that, well, I was over it now. Because the truth is, it’s just a whole lot better to not let yourself get too involved with anyone, or anything.
Because in the end—everything comes to an end.
August 21
Dear Dad,
I don’t know if I told you this but today they’re having a funeral for a friend of mine this person I met here. But I’m going to the beach instead since it’s not like I knew him all that well anyway, and since I only have a little over a week left, I figure I may as well spend it at the beach. I’m not sure why I even just wrote that, except maybe it’s because summer’s almost over, and I really don’t have much else to say.
Okay, well, see you soon-ish.
Love,
Colby
P.S. Oh yeah, I meant to ask you if there’s still enough room for me, for when I come visit you? I mean, now that your girlfriend is living with you. Let me know.
August 21
Dear Mom,
I would really appreciate it if the next time we talk on the phone you could stop telling me stuff about Dad, since I figure he can probably just tell me himself if he really wants me to know, and honestly, at this exact moment, the only news I really want to hear from you is where I’ll be living when I get back. Really, that’s it. I mean, I want to hear how you’re doing as well, don’t get me wrong, but I definitely don’t want to hear about anything outside of those two things.
Sorry if that sounds a little harsh, but I just don’t know how else to say it.
Love,
Colby
P.S. This guy I met here recently died and his funeral is today, but I think I’m going to go to the beach instead. Sorry, ignore that! I don’t even know why I wrote it.
August 21
Dear Nat,
I’m writing you this postcard because the guy who owned the Internet café (Petros) died of a heart attack and his funeral is today, which means the Internet café is closed. So I just thought I’d write instead. And then I guess I’ll go to the beach, since I don’t really see the point in going to the funeral of someone who I barely knew and wasn’t actually like a true friend of mine or anything.
Still no word on where I’ll be living—can you even believe it?
Okay, well, see you soon—
Colby
August 21
Dear Amanda,
I don’t know if you’ve tried to e-mail me or not but I don’t have Internet access right now since the guy who owned the café (Petros, you know the one whose mustache you made fun of?), well, he had a heart attack and died suddenly with no warning whatsoever. Which means his shop is closed—so no more blogging or e-mailing for a while, maybe even forever, I really don’t know. Though it’s definitely closed for today since it’s his funeral, but I’m just going to spend the day at the beach instead.
Okay, well, I just thought I’d let you know why I’m not answering back in case you do/did try to message me.
C U soon—
Colby
August 21
Dear Tally and Tassos,
I’m going to the beach today, so I probably won’t see you until later this evening. Have a good one.
Love,
Colby
Colby’s Journal for Desperate Times When She Has No Idea Why She Feels So Desperate
August 21
Hard as it is to believe, today marks the first time I dragged my journal out of the house and down to the beach. But then again this is also one of the first times I’ve gone to the beach by myself. And I’m not even sure why I chose to do this today, except for the fact that I felt like being alone. Though I was sick of being alone in my room, since I’ve wasted far too much time in there already, so I figured I may as well go someplace warm, beautiful, and sunny, but also quiet.
And it’s funny how sitting here on my towel writing this ki
nd of makes me feel like I’m keeping up my routine, since I’m used to spending my mornings writing in my blog, and sending e-mails, and postcards and letters, even though it was always at the café, never here, and always while I was sipping frappe, and not from a water bottle. But still, somehow it makes me feel like everything’s still normal, that my routine is still useful, and that nothing’s really changed.
Even though I’m really not delusional enough to actually believe any of that.
Much Later:
Okay, just after I wrote that, I started feeling all choked up. Seriously, my throat started aching, and my eyes started stinging, only this time there was nothing I could do to stop it. And even though I tried to fight it, even though I tried to hold it all in, it wasn’t long before the tears started pouring down my face. So I got up from my towel and ran into the sea, where I dove under the water and swam out as far as I could, my eyes shut tight against the stinging saltiness, blind to everything in front of me, but not even caring. And when I couldn’t hold my breath any longer, I popped back up, gasping and taking huge gulps of air before ducking back under and continuing on, swimming as fast and far as I could, my arms and legs aching from the strain, until they became rubbery, weak, and useless. And when I finally stopped, I allowed myself to surrender to the sea, just float on my back with my eyes closed tightly against the sun, the heat drying my face, leaving grainy salt trails across my cheeks. Shutting down the thoughts in my head, refusing to tune into anything more than the gentle slap and sway of the water, until my fingers and toes were all pruney. Until the threat of emotions had passed.