And even though he just shrugged, it was obvious he did.
I held the match, watching as the flame crept near my fingers, inching dangerously close before I shook it out and said, “Well, you shouldn’t.”
He looked at me and smiled. “I know.”
And even though I should’ve just let it end there, I had something more to say, so I looked at him and added, “I just want you to know that you and Tally have really helped me this summer.”
Then his eyes grew wet and mine started to sting, so I started slicing potatoes as he turned to prepare the salad.
It wasn’t long after that when all the guests started arriving, and even though it still surprises me to write this (never mind having lived it), I’m proud to say that this time I made sure both Maria and Christina were invited. I guess I just didn’t see the point in trying to keep them away. And even though we didn’t exactly hang out together, and even though they were probably pretty happy that it was my GOING-AWAY party, it just didn’t matter anymore.
So after way too much food, a good amount of dancing, a little bit of drinking, and an endless amount of laughing, I hugged every single person good-bye (yes, including Maria and Christina), and after they’d gone, Tally and Tassos hugged me and Yannis good night, then Tally looked at me and said, “Stay up as long as you want. But just remember you have a ferry to catch in the morning.”
Then they both went to bed, and Yannis and I remained on the terrace, both of us acting so weird and nervous that any casual observer would swear we’d just met.
“Well, that was a fun party,” he said, smiling at me in this polite, formal way.
“Yes it was,” I answered, feeling inexplicably awkward, then adding, “a really fun party.” Which made me roll my eyes, shake my head, and cringe.
“Should we go for a ride?” he finally asked, his voice sounding thick and uncertain, suspended in silence.
I nodded, my stomach feeling all jumpy and weird as he reached for my hand, my eyes searching his face when I asked, “To our beach?”
But he just smiled and helped me climb onto the back of his Vespa.
This time when we ended up at the hotel, I can’t say I was all that surprised, but when he led me up to the pool, I was surprised to see it filled.
“Want to go for a swim?” he asked, busying himself with lighting the large, oversize lanterns that were scattered all around.
“I forgot my suit,” I said, kneeling down near the edge, dipping my fingers into the water, surprised to find it cool, but inviting.
“That didn’t stop you before.” He smiled, blowing out the match now that the candles were all lit.
And even though I still hadn’t made up my mind about exactly how the night would end, I also knew I should stop thinking about it, and just see where it led.
So I pulled off my dress and dove right in. And not five seconds later, Yannis had joined me.
We swam, and played, and kissed, and swam some more, and by the time we’d climbed out and were wrapped in large towels, he took one look at me and said, “You look just like you did the day I first saw you, only happier.”
And when I rubbed my towel over my face and saw how it came away all streaked with mascara, I couldn’t help but laugh.
Then he grabbed my hand and led me through the lobby, and up a narrow stairway to a large second-floor suite. And when he opened the door and motioned me inside, I saw there were more candles, a CD player, and a fully made bed.
“I didn’t realize you’d finished all the rooms,” I said, going over to part the dark blue drapes, gazing out at what should’ve been the view if the night hadn’t been so dark.
“They’re not finished,” he said, coming up behind me and nuzzling the back of my neck. “Only this one.”
“But what about your parents? Won’t they get mad?” I asked, knowing how traditional the Greeks could be, trying not to think about getting caught.
But he just shrugged. “It’s different for boys. If I was a girl, then yes, it would be a problem.”
“Is that why I haven’t met your parents?” I asked, thinking it was a weird time to be having this conversation, but still, I was nervous, unsure, and it was something I’d been wondering anyway. “Because they wouldn’t approve of me?” I continued, wondering if he’d answer honestly, or just try to hedge and stall and beat around the bush.
But he just laughed. “You have met my parents. Well, you’ve met my father, you just didn’t know it.”
I turned to look at him, my mind racing, trying to recall when that could’ve been.
“The day you came to the hotel to yell at me.” He smiled.
“Which one was your father?” I asked, remembering the group of workers, how they’d laughed and elbowed each other when I’d asked where he was, all of them too young to be his dad. Well, all except for one.
“He brought you to me.”
“Oh, great.” I closed my eyes and turned away. “That’s just great. No wonder you never bothered to introduce me to your mother.” I shook my head, wondering if his dad had eavesdropped by the door, listening to every stupid thing I’d said. “So, go ahead, lay it on me, what did he say? What was the verdict? Does he think I’m a freak?” I held my breath and waited.
“Does it matter?” Yannis asked, whispering the words in my ear.
I just shrugged, even though I was beginning to think that it did.
He sighed. “Well, if you really must know, he told me that I should be careful with you. That I should have fun, but be careful.”
“Careful of what?” I asked, turning to look at him again.
“He said you might try to get pregnant and wreck my life.”
I rolled my eyes. “Please, did you tell him that I’m the one who bought the condoms? Oh wait, never mind, I’m sure he already knows, heck, all of Tinos knows.”
Yannis shrugged. “I told you things are different here, relationships aren’t so—casual as where you live. Here, when two people date, everyone starts talking about marriage. It’s better not to bring anyone home until things are serious.”
I looked away, torn between worrying that we were just a casual summer fling, one that he’d soon forget, and wondering if I really wanted it to be anything more.
Then I looked at him and asked, “Are we casual?”
But he just smiled and pulled me toward the bed, his lips moving softly against my ear as he whispered, “Come with me, koukla mou.”
August 31
Dear Mom and Dad,
You may notice that this letter is written on a coffee-stained Ellas Ferry Lines napkin (not unlike a previous note I sent several months ago). Well, that’s because I’m on the ferry to Mykonos. So that I can then fly to Athens, so that I can then fly to Frankfurt, so that I can then fly to New York, so that I can then land in L.A., so that you can then pick me up and drive me home.
But unlike my last napkin letter, this one is not angry.
In fact, it’s not even close.
Because believe it or not, I’m actually looking forward to seeing you (an event that will happen long before you receive this, but I’m mailing it anyway), so that I can thank you for packing me up and shipping me off to spend the summer with my CRAZY AUNT TALLY in Tinos.
It was an amazing experience.
Love,
Colby
P.S. Mom, just so you know, the ONLY reason I’m sending this to Dad’s address and not to yours is because I know we’ll be moving soon and I’m not sure if you’ve started forwarding the mail yet, and since I don’t want this to get lost…Anyway, that is the one and only reason, and I just wanted you to know that so you won’t think I’m playing favorites. Hope this part of the note doesn’t upset you, I just wanted to make myself clear.
Colby’s Journal for Desperate Times When She’s Stuck at 37,000 Feet and There Is No Internet Access and She’s Almost Out of Paper
August 31
I tried, I really, really tried. But somehow I still ended up
on this airplane, in seats 24G and H (got two to my self! Yipee!), far enough away from the bathroom that I don’t have to suffer that pervasive Godawful smell, but still next to the window so that I can lift my shade and look out at—
EVERYTHING!
Because even though each passing second takes me farther and farther from where I’d really rather be, there’s just something so cool about looking out at the sun and the moon and the endless blue sky and thinking—
That’s the same sky Yannis sees!
That’s the same sun that warms both our skin!
And every night when we go outside, we can both look up and gaze at the exact same moon! (Granted, ten hours apart.)
All of which means we’re not as far apart as it seems. That no matter where I end up, no matter where I go from here, in some vast, eternal way, we’ll always be connected.
And even though I’d give just about anything to be with him now, I’m also determined to be perfectly okay with my choices—even the ones that are made for me.
Like last night, when Yannis and I slept together. In the end, we didn’t ACTUALLY sleep together.
And it’s not like I didn’t want to, and it’s not like I wasn’t ready, because I was. In fact, I really, REALLY wanted to, and I really did feel ready. And without being too graphic, I think I can say that he was ready too.
And even though I’d made up my mind to go through with it, even though I’d convinced myself that the time was perfectly right, at this one point, when we were lying on our sides, facing each other, he brought his hand to my cheek, tucked my hair behind my ear, looked straight into my eyes and said, “S’agapo, Colby.”
And unlike the last time when I wasn’t at all ready to hear it, much less feel it or share it, I gazed right back at him, and said, “I love you too, Yannis.”
And somehow, just allowing myself to not only hear the words, but also to accept them, and say them right back, felt so huge, so monumental, and so overwhelmingly good—that I just wanted to hold on to it. I wanted to keep it, and savor it, and enjoy it for what it was.
And I didn’t want it to compete with anything else.
And even though it probably sounded pretty weird and stupid when I tried to explain that to him, he just pulled me into his arms, pressed his lips to my forehead, and assured me it was plenty enough for him too.
Then we slept, all wrapped up in each other’s arms, and I felt so good, and so safe, and so complete, that I didn’t wake up until it was way, way late.
“Oh my God! Oh crap!” I yelled, jumping out of bed and frantically pulling on my dress. Not realizing I was wearing it backward ’til I started shoving my feet in my shoes.
“Yannis! Get up!” I cried, shaking his shoulder, before searching the room for my purse. “You have to take me to the port! No! Wait! You have to take me home so Tally and Tassos can take me to the port! Only, you’re coming too, right?” I stopped long enough to look at him, hoping that my mascara-streaked face, backward dress, and fright-wig hair would not be his very last impression of me.
But Yannis was already dressed, his keys in one hand, funky, weird sandals in the other, as he opened the door, smiled, and said, “Relax, it’s no worries.”
And I broke out laughing. Bent over, side-clutching laughing. I mean, I could hardly believe how dumb I’d been to almost miss out on LOVE all because of some awkward-sounding slang and an odd pair of sandals. And even though I tried to stop, I just couldn’t. So he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me out the door and over to his bike, muttering, “Crazy California girl,” as he got me safely settled onto the back.
And by the time we got to Tally’s, I completely panicked again when I saw that Tally and Tassos were not even there! But as it turns out, they were out looking for me. Starting at our secret make-out beach (which apparently was not such a secret, but hey, that’s small town island living for ya) and ending at the port, where they confirmed my boat was ready and waiting, although I was not yet on it. And by the time they got back to the house, I was sitting in the drive, bags packed and ready, allowing them five more minutes to show before I’d leave without them.
So I climbed in the back of the jeep, as Yannis followed behind on his bike, and we all caravanned down to the port. And even though I fully admit that the whole entire time I was hoping for some sort of nautical malfunction, or horrendous, catastrophic summer storm—something to keep my boat from sailing so I’d have no choice but to stay put—in the end, I was greeted with a perfectly clear, Meltemi-free day. Which I pretty much took as a sign that, like it or not, I was destined to leave.
And by the time we parked and made our way down to the dock my boat was already well into loading mode, which didn’t really leave much time for good-bye. But then again, that’s probably also a good thing since I’ve never been much good at final moments anyway.
So after hugging Tassos, and basically thanking him for EVERYTHING, I leaned in to hug Tally, and burst out crying so fast and hard, I could hardly even believe it. But she just let me cling to her, as she ran her hand over my hair, whispering, “It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay.”
And when I finally pulled away, I wiped my eyes, and smiled, and said, “I know.”
And then we promised to stay in touch and e-mail each other as often as we could, and then I made some dumb joke about how if they needed any help in figuring out the e-mail then they could just e-mail me and let me know. And even though it was totally lame, and obviously not at all funny, it really helped ease all of the tension and sadness, so we all laughed anyway.
After hugging them again, I walked the rest of the way with Yannis, holding hands as we made our way toward the gangway, but then Yannis suddenly stopped and said, “Colby, isn’t that—?”
I gazed in the direction he was pointing, not sure if he was right until I saw the beaded collar, then I knew for sure. He’d grown, since I’d last seen him, A LOT. But still, between the collar, the shiny black coat, and the cute little white streak, I knew I was looking at Holly.
“Where are you going?” I asked, watching as Yannis charged toward the little dark-haired girl in the bright yellow sundress, the one who was cradling Holly, singing in his ear as she stroked his shiny dark fur.
“What do you mean? That’s YOUR cat, Colby, I’m going to get him back!” he said, walking that much faster.
I grabbed his arm, making him stop long enough to face me. “No, Yannis, please. Just leave him,” I said, not knowing if I really meant it until the moment it was out.
But Yannis just shook his head and started off again, saying, “No worries, she’s the daughter of my cousin, I can get her another one.”
But again, I grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at me as I said, “No, Yannis, I’m serious.”
His eyes searched my face, his expression showing just how crazy he thought I was. “But why? I don’t understand. I thought you said you missed him? I thought you wanted him back?”
“I did miss him, and I did want him back.” I nodded. “Until now.”
Yannis narrowed his eyes, gazing at me.
“Just look,” I said. “Really look.”
So he did. And then he turned to me and shrugged. “I don’t get it. It is Holly, right?”
“Yes, and look at the way that little girl is holding him, how he’s pressed up so tight against her chest, and how her arms are wrapped so snugly around him. Look at how he lets her do that. He never did that with me. Not once. With me he always scratched and struggled to be free.”
“He’s older now,” Yannis said, shaking his head and squinting.
But I just shook my head and smiled. “No Yannis, he’s home.”
By the time we got to the gangway, we kissed so long the boat nearly sailed without me. But in the end, I’m glad we managed to keep it honest and real, that we managed to say good-bye, and say “I love you,” without forcing a bunch of false promises on each other, ones we might not be able to keep.
Because the only thing that w
as certain was that we loved each other, that we had each other’s e-mail address, and that we’d see where it led.
Because if there’s one thing I now know for sure, it’s that nothing is ever sure.
Circle in the Sand
September 7
Well, I guess this blog title was more appropriate than I realized way back when I chose it, since I really have come full circle, and now I’m right back where I started. Even though almost everything is different from the way I left it. But since circles have no end, I guess it’s really just the beginning of another cycle, and who knows where that’ll lead?
But in order to keep you up to date, let me just say that by the time I made it to LAX I was completely, and totally, exhausted. But even though I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open it was still pretty great to see both my parents, standing side by side, no legal counsel in sight, and with no obvious grievances (at least none that I could see), both of them looking relaxed and happy to see me—just as I was happy to see them.
And since I knew better than to hug one of them before the other, I just walked right up, with my arms spread wide, pretty much forcing them into a big group hug. And even though they resisted at first, after a moment or two, they finally let go, and gave in. And the second I pulled away, I couldn’t help but think of Tally, since she’s the one who taught me how to deal with resistance.
And even after explaining how I’d spent the last twenty-some hours snacking on candy bars, potato chips, and just about anything else that could be shrink-wrapped and sold in an airport gift shop, they still insisted on taking me to dinner. Which meant it was time for me to stop resisting and give in to them.
And although there’s like a ton of things to write, I’m just too busy with unpacking all of my boxes and decorating my new room—not to mention how school’s starting up in less than a week—so in light of all that, I thought I’d leave you with these photos, provide a little commentary, and let you draw your own conclusions.