"But . . . -So embarrassing. Shouldn't we just ignore them? I mean . ."
"Jennifer Longstone, I'm tired of ignoring things that make me unhappy. If I am going to attend this school, I am going to be accepted for who and what I am, and none of these snooty girls are going to make me suffer."
"Lead the way," Jennifer said. "It's the last room on the right down the corridor."
We tramped forward. Aggressively, no longer willing to play humble and helpless, a victim of this or that, I held my head high and proud as we approached Marie's door. We could hear the music, "Rock Around the Clock." I pounded on the door. The phonograph was lowered and there was some whispering. Then Marie opened her door.
"Just thought I'd come by and help you study for your science test," I said. I walked past her. The moment I came through the door a deadly quiet descended, while the cigarettes burned. The room was full of smoke. Ellen and Wendy were sitting on the floor drinking Cokes, and Carla, Toby and Betsy were on the beds with fashion and fan magazines. For a moment, no one said anything. Then I spun on Marie.
"I'm sorry for how you all feel about my parents getting a divorce, but it's stupid for you to blame it on me and to make Jennifer suffer, too, just because she's my roommate. I had hoped we could all start out as friends. I'm sure no one here is perfect or has a perfect past," I stated with fire.
"Anyway, I just wanted you all to know you didn't fool anyone. Come on, Jennifer."
"Wait," Marie said. She glanced quickly at the other girls. "You're right. It wasn't a nice thing to do."
I looked at the other girls. All of them lowered their eyes. "Anyway, you're here; you might as well stay," Marie said, flashing a smile.
"Well, I . ."
"Please," Marie said. "Want a cigarette?"
"I never have," I said staring at them.
"Good a time as any to start," Marie said. "Quick, Jen, close the door before old Thorndyke comes by. Ellen, put the record back on," she commanded.
"Welcome to our special club," Marie said. "Anyway, with your temper, I'd rather have you on our side. Right, girls?" Everyone laughed. I looked at Jennifer. She was smiling widely, too.
We remained until nearly eleven, talking about school and about music and movies. No one dared ask me any questions about my parents, although Betsy Edwards remembered now that she and her family had once taken a cruise on a VanVoreen ship. I told them about my trip to Jamaica and then we all snuck back to our own rooms.
Jennifer and I lay in bed talking until after twelve. She told me about the day her father died and how empty and alone she had felt. It sounded a lot like I felt the day I learned my parents would divorce. Finally, I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. "I've got to go to sleep, Jen."
"That's all right. I'm tired, too."
"Good night, Jennifer."
"Good night, Leigh." She giggled.
"What?"
"You were so great, the way you pounded on Marie's door and told them all off. I wish I had had the courage to do that before. How did you get so brave?"
"I'm not," I insisted.
"Oh yes, you are," Jennifer said. "You're the bravest girl I know and I'm so happy you're my roommate. Welcome to Winterhaven, Leigh."
"Thank you, Jen. Good night," I said again and closed my eyes, exhausted from the turmoil and the effort it took to be happy and safe in a world that could be so mean and cold.
The next day Miss Mallory came to the cafeteria during lunch to find me.
"Mr. Tatterton is here, my dear," she announced, smiling at me in a tight way. "He's in my office and wishes to speak with you."
"Is anything wrong?" My heart raced with fear for little Troy.
"Oh, I am sure not," she said.
When I looked at the others, they were all hiding smiles and containing their laughter.
"Thank you," I said and followed her out of the cafeteria.
"Please," Miss Mallory said, "use my office as long as you wish." She left Tony and me alone. He was sitting on the leather chair near the desk and looked very distinguished in his double-breasted, dark blue suit.
"Is everything all right?" he asked, his gaze steady. "Yes," I said. "I'm fine. How's Troy?"
"He's doing much, much better. I think we'll be able to bring him home in a week or so."
"That's wonderful, Tony." I shifted my eyes for a moment because he was still gazing at me so intensely. "How's Momma?"
"The same," he said with a sigh. "Now she's on a new diet regimen, lunch consists of a little champagne and cucumber sandwiches. Oh, and she's taking up bridge."
"Bridge?"
"Yes. Seems the women she admires all play bridge. I'm paying someone to give her instructions and teach her all the fine points," he said, crossing his legs and meticulously running his fingers down the sharp crease of his blue trouser leg. He had long, strong fingers and his nails shone.
"So," he said, "there's nothing you need? Clothes, school supplies, spending money . . . anything?"
"No," I said, but I wanted to say Yes, I need Momma to show some interest in what happens to me too.
"Okay," he said standing. "Perhaps, I can come by one evening and take you out to dinner before I return to Farthy. Would you like that?"
"Not this week," I replied quickly. "Daddy's calling and coming to take me out to dinner."
"Oh." His lip curled a bit. Although he tried to keep his blue eyes calm and unreadable, I saw that he wasn't used to being rejected. A man of his wealth and power rarely was.
"Maybe next week," I added, and his eyes brightened again.
"Fine. In any case, I'll be by about five o'clock on Friday to pick you up in the limo. Enjoy your dinner with your father." He kissed me on the forehead quickly before he opened the office door to leave.
When I returned to the cafeteria, I found "the special club" all gathered at the window gazing out at Tony, who was standing by his limousine, talking to Miss Mallory. They were all "oohing" and "ahing," gasping and whispering. As soon as they saw me, they returned to the table.
"He's so handsome," Ellen said. "For once, Jennifer didn't exaggerate."
"When do we all get invited to Farthingale Manor?" Marie asked, and all of them chimed in excitedly. I told them as soon as I thought the timing was right, I'd have them all over for a weekend pajama party. Suddenly, I was the most popular girl in Winterhaven.
Daddy called on Wednesday and arrived on Thursday to take me to dinner. As soon as I was told he had arrived, I rushed down the corridor and into his waiting arms. He laughed and gave me a big kiss. Then he held me out to look at me.
"You're growing so fast, I hardly recognize you," he said. "I'm glad you're in an all-girls school," he added, looking around and nodding, "otherwise, so many boys would be following you around I'd have to beat them off with a stick."
"Oh, Daddy."
"Come along," he said holding out his arm for me to slip mine through, "I want to hear all about your new school and new friends and everything that's happened to you since we last spoke."
He led me out to his waiting cab and we were off to dinner at an elegant restaurant. As I told him everything, he listened attentively, his eyes fixed on me as though he were trying to drink me in, memorize my face. I talked and talked, so excited that he was really here and I was really with him. His expression didn't change until I mentioned the honeymoon. Then his eyes grew smaller and his mouth tighter. He shifted his gaze and became very pensive for a few momentsre
An alarm went off in my heart because I sensed that he had something to tell me that would make me unhappy. My teeth came down on my lower lip as I waited for his words. Sadness had rained down on me so often these last few months that I had become an expert about predicting when it would fall again. Finally, he turned back to me, his smile softer, but weaker.
"I know that you are not happy, Leigh, and that your mother has taken you away from many of the things you loved and put you in a strange new world filled with impersonal, cold people who car
e only about their own comfort and wealth. I deal with the wealthy and influential on a day-to-day basis, so I know how insensitive and selfish they can be. Their money blinds them, keeps them protected and away from reality, permits them to live their illusions.
"I am sorry that all this has happened to you while you are still rather young and impressionable, and just when I am struggling to keep my business alive. Don't think it hasn't torn me apart to be away from you when you need me, too.
"My one solace is that you are bright and firm, that you come from good stock, for the VanVoreens were hardy people who overcame insurmountable odds to build their lives. We are no strangers to hardships and we have not grown soft with success. At least, you have inherited that."
Oh, how I struggled with myself, one part of me demanding I tell him the truth, what I had overheard Grandma Jana say to Momma and what she had admitted, and another part of me screaming not to hurt him any more than he had already been hurt. Also, I was terrified of what the truth might do to his love for me. What if he stopped thinking of me as his daughter? Would he stop loving me? If he did I knew I would never survive, that it would be the last and worst blow of all I had received in the past several months. I could only smile and nod and reach across the table to take his hand into mine and reassure him that I would be his daughter, a true VanVoreen.
"Anyway," he said, coming to the bad news, "I have to tell you that I won't be able to see you for a while. I am opening an office in Europe to try to capture the growing European market for travelers who want to come not only to America, but also travel to the vacation spots I have been establishing with my travel experts.
"It's a mistake, you see, to think that only Americans have money and opportunity for luxurious vacations."
"What do you mean you won't see me for a while, Daddy? How long?"
"I won't be back until the summer at the soonest," he confessed. "But as soon as I do return, we'll spend as much time together as you want. I promise."
A lump came to choke my throat. The tears I trapped in the corners of my eyes burned with their demand to break free and stream down my cheeks. How could I stand it if Daddy, my rock, was gone for so long? With Momma becoming so very selfcentered and unreliable, to whom could I go for advice, for love, for the warmth of hugs and kisses? I forced myself to be the strong daughter he wanted, to be the VanVoreen descendant he believed I was.
"I'll keep writing you letters, of course," he said quickly, "and hope you'll keep writing letters to me."
"I will, Daddy."
"And as soon as I know when I will return, I will make arrangements for you to meet me." He patted my hand.
We rode back to Winterhaven sitting very close to each other in the back of the taxi, Daddy's arm around me. I listened to him tell me about his travels, the things he had seen and the people he had met, but I didn't hear his words, just the rhythms of his voice.
Instead, I was thinking about the Daddy I knew as a little girl, the Daddy who had lifted me on his shoulders to carry me along the Thames river when we toured London, the Daddy who took me in his arms and danced with me in the ballroom of his ship, the Daddy who held my hand and took me about the luxury liners, introducing me to his crews, showing me how things worked, kissing and hugging me and twirling my hair in his fingers when I sat on his lap.
That Daddy was gone, I thought, almost as gone as Jennifer Longstone's Daddy. We weren't so different, she and I, and when we lay awake at night telling stories about our childhood days, we were both thinking about times we would never see again, moments we would never have, words we would never hear, kisses and smiles that were as thin as smoke, running off into our memories and lost forever in the maze of storm clouds that had come to block out the blue sky of happiness we had both once known.
Daddy kissed me in front of the school. He kissed me goodbye and hugged me to him and told me again that he would write and think of me all the time, but I knew the moment he got into his cab and started away that his mind was already racing around with the problems of his business. I didn't hate him for it; I knew he was burying himself in his work to keep himself from being unhappy.
Jennifer was waiting in our room. She wanted to hear all the wonderful details about my dinner with Daddy. I knew she wanted to experience the happiness through me and perhaps recall the happy times she had with her own father. So I didn't tell her one sad thing. I went on and on about the restaurant and the food and the promises Daddy had made. I told her about the funny waiter who spoke in a German accent so thick that I ordered the wrong things, but ate them anyway; and anyway, they were delicious. It didn't matter because I was with Daddy, I said. Jennifer laughed.
"Thank you for telling me about your dinner, Leigh," she said. "Good night."
"Good night."
Jennifer curled up with my happy memories and I turned my back to her and cried as softly as I could, until sleep rescued me from harder tears.
twelve MORE SURPRISES
. All the girls in the "special club" knew Tony was picking me up on Friday, so they all accompanied me to the front stoopof Winterhaven and crowded about me like hens. I was so embarrassed by what they might do and say that I was down the steps before Tony was out of the car and opening the door.
"See you Sunday night, Leigh!" a chorus of voices sang out. Then, ringing with giggles, they scampered back up the steps and into Beecham Hall.
"Well," Tony cut his eyes toward me, then smiled as we were driven off, "looks like I was right--you made a lot of friends fast. Did you enjoy the rest of the week here?"
"Yes, Tony, and I like my roommate, Jennifer, very much. I'd like to invite her to Farthinggale, and the other girls in my group."
"Anytime," he replied. "As long as your mother approves," he added ominously.
I asked him about Troy.
"He's getting stronger every day. The doctor says we will be able to take him home either Wednesday or Thursday, so he will be at Farthy when you return next weekend," he told me. I was anxious to see him, but I was also anxious to spend a weekend at the school. The "special club" went to movies together and shopped together, and some weekends there were mixers, dances organized between Winterhaven and boys' prep schools like Allandale.
When we arrived at Farthy and I entered the big house, I was immediately impressed with the silence, especially without little Troy scampering up and down stairs and through doors, calling my name or calling for Tony. There was barely a footstep echoing through the great rooms; this, in contrast to the world I had just left--a school filled with teenage girls laughing and singing, music coming from the rooms, girls chattering together in the hallways, bells ringing, dishes clanging, friends calling to each other through the corridors--a world of energy, noise, young life. Once again, Farthy seemed like a museum, a house of whispers.
"Your mother's probably in her rooms," Tony said, looking at his watch. "She's only just returned from a bridge game, I'm sure."
I ran up the stairs to see Momma. I was filled with mixed emotions--eager to see her since we had been apart a whole week, anxious to tell her about the girls and the things we had said and done; but also angry, angry and hurt that she hadn't once called to see how I was, and still angry that she hadn't come along with Tony and me that first day. Tony was right--she had just returned from a bridge game and was preparing to take a shower and dress for dinner.
"Oh Leigh," she said as soon as I entered her bedroom. She looked surprised. "I forgot you were coming home today, forgot today was Friday. Can you imagine? That's how busy I have been this week." She stood there in her slip, her hair down. Then she smiled and held out her arms, expecting me to run into her embrace. There was an awkward moment, then she lowered her arms to her sides quickly. "But wait," she said, "let me look at you. You look so much more mature, or is that a look of reproach? Are you angry with me for some reason?"
"Momma, how could you not even call me all week? I called you once and left a message with Curtis. He said you were out
with friends, shopping, and in Boston! You could have stopped by the school," I complained.
"Oh Leigh, how would that look--me bringing all these sophisticated women along to visit my daughter who had been away only a few days. They would think I was babying you. And besides, you don't know what it's like going places with these women. They gossip and chatter so much, we barely have time to do anything. I'm the one who's always saying, 'Ladies, please, let's move along or we won't get to do this or do that.' They simply adore me, though. They say I'm the freshest, brightest person they've met in ages and ages.
"No, you must not be angry with me," she insisted. "It's not that I haven't been thinking about you. I asked Tony to stop by to see you during the week and he did, didn't he?"
"Yes, but it's not the same thing, Momma," I protested.
"Oh, poo. You're getting to be as stuffy as your father. It's those puritanical VanVoreen genes you've inherited," she declared. I was so angry I nearly told her what I knew and demanded she stop lying to me.
"And besides; Tony wanted to do it. You've become very important to him, Leigh, which is something I think is wonderful. You can't begin to understand how much easier this has made my life. Please, don't be angry," she cajoled and then held her arms out for me again.
I wanted to resist; I wanted to talk and talk until she understood how cruel she had been to me, but she wore that same gentle smile I loved to see when I was a little girl, the smile she wore while she brushed my hair and told me about all the wonderful things that would happen to me, the places I would go, the princes I would meet, the world of magic and love that awaited. She had spun my childhood dreams and fantasies on a magical loom and had made the world outside seem nothing but candy canes and rainbows.
I hugged her and let her hold me. She warmed my cheeks with kisses and stroked my hair, and part of me hated that it made me happy but it did. Then she sat me down on her bed beside her to tell me about all the new friends she had made, each one richer than the next, all from well-known families, pure blue bloods.
"Why do you still look so sad?" she asked, suddenly. "Was it because of your dinner with your father?" Her eyes grew small with suspicion. "Tony told me he was coming to take you to dinner."