"Joshua's not a stranger, Tony," I said quickly.
"Still, I had hoped you would think the cottage special. Before you ever bring anyone there again, please ask me first, all right?" I nodded. I was tired and wanted to end this strange conversation. He looked at the doll again. "I'm sure your doll feels the same way," he said and smiled.
"Anyway, I really came in to wish you happy birthday one more time."
"Thank you, Tony."
He stepped closer again.
"Happy birthday, Leigh," he whispered and kissed me quickly on the lips. "Sleep well," he added, then turned and left.
As soon as he was gone, I closed my door. He had left me in such turmoil and confusion. I didn't know what to think. I washed and prepared myself for bed, happy to crawl in under my soft blanket, beside my Angel. The events of the day paraded by. It had been a wonderful party. All my friends had such a good time, and Joshua had kissed and held me so romantically before Tony had interrupted. I had a real boyfriend, a special boyfriend.
Remembering I had promised to call him, I sat up and dialed his number.
"This is Joshua," he said. He never said hello.
"It's Leigh."
"Is everything all right?"
"Yes. My stepfather left a while ago. He was concerned, but he's not going to make any big deal over it, and he's not telling my mother anything. Don't worry, and anyway, I don't care. We didn't do anything wrong. I wanted you to kiss me," I confessed.
"And I wanted to kiss you. It was a wonderful party, Leigh. The best party I have ever attended."
"It was wonderful because you were here and we could spend time together. Will you come see me at school next weekend?"
"Of course. William and I are already planning something to do."
"I can't wait. Good night, Joshua."
"Good night, Leigh."
"Angel says good night, too," I added laughing. I brought my portrait doll to the receiver as if she could really hear him and speak.
"Good night, Angel."
Joshua laughed, too.
After I cradled the receiver, I held Angel close to me. I put out the lights and closed my eyes, expecting to remember Joshua's kiss and the way it had made me feel, but instead, I saw Tony standing before me, his eyes fixed pointedly on my face, his lips glistening, his smile tight. In my mind it was his hand, not Joshua's, on my breast.
"I want to show you, warn you, teach you," he had said. Why did those words make me tremble? He was only trying to be a good stepparent, wasn't he? Yet did he have to touch me there to demonstrate?
I wished I could tell my mother and ask her what she thought, but how could I do that without telling her everything: Joshua and I sneaking away from the party and going to the cottage and kissing and my permitting him to touch me?
No, no, I thought, she only would say that Tony had done the right thing.
I wouldn't talk about all this; it was better to simply forget it. No one but my doll Angel would know how Tony Tatterton had held me and touched me and kissed me in my bedroom tonight, but I felt sure this was only the beginning. There would be many more secrets kept between my portrait doll and myself.
I finally fell asleep with her in my arms.
If Tony ever did say anything to my mother about the cottage incident, she either forgot it or didn't think much of it, for she never mentioned it. Joshua and I stopped talking about it, too, although we didn't forget the way we had kissed and had held each other. My body would tremble whenever I dreamt of him holding and kissing me like that again. We did kiss when we went to the movies, but it wasn't the same because we weren't alone. There weren't many opportunities to be alone. Boys were forbidden to be in our rooms at Winterhaven and girls were forbidden to be in boys' rooms at Allandale.
My mother permitted me to remain at Winterhaven many more weekends than I had expected. Joshua, I, William and Jennifer became the talk of the school. We were always going places, doing things.
Marie and-the "special club" softened toward us, too. Before Christmas we were all speaking to each other openly, inviting them to our room and once again being invited to all of theirs. One day Marie formally asked us to rejoin them. We said we would, but the truth was we didn't have the time to spend with them as we first had. All our weekend time was spent with Joshua and William.
The portrait dolls became a huge Christmas item for Tatterton Toys. Tony ran advertisements in magazines and newspapers throughout the country. The Boston newspapers produced articles on the dolls and I saw myself featured on the pages. Just as Tony had predicted, most of the girls at Winterhaven wanted portrait dolls, too, and soon dozens of them had put in their orders. Tony was ecstatic about it, and every weekend that I returned to Farthy, he had much to show me and tell me about the project.
During the winter months, he did some more traveling, establishing new markets for the dolls in Canada, France, England, Spain and Italy. He was happy about the success he was having competing with the European companies that had been doing similar things. Momma joined him for only one trip, the trip that included a week at St. Moritz and the Palace Hotel.
Unfortunately, that was the week of the school play. I had a big part, but neither she nor Tony could attend. I had secretly hoped Daddy might come because he had written to tell me he would be on the East Coast around March for meetings in New York City and Boston, but he never answered my letter inviting him.
I half hoped he would come anyway, that I would peep out through the curtains and see him and Mildred come in and take front-row seats, but he never showed up. A week after the play, another letter arrived full of apologies, and I learned that he had been unable to keep to his schedule and hadn't yet gone to New York. He was still on the West Coast. He said he had seen an advertisement for the Tatterton portrait doll and he thought it was beautiful.
By the time spring came, the portrait dolls had become a multimillion-dollar part of the Tatterton Toys empire. Tony never stopped thanking me for being the first model. He told me he was setting aside a share of the profits in a trust fund in my name. Momma thought this was all wonderful and reminded me how silly I had been for hesitating to pose.
"Tony has made you a star after all," she told me. "Isn't that sensational?"
I supposed it was. I was the envy of all the girls at school, I had a wonderful doll myself, and now I was even making my own fortune because of it. Tony turned out to be a considerate and sincere person after all, I thought, and the negative things I had felt about him, the things that he had done and said that had frightened me, all drifted away. The world that had turned !, ay and dreary after my parents divorced became bright and happy again. Sunlight had broken through the clouds. I had friends, a boyfriend, a fascinating home and everything any girl my age could ever want--clothing, jewelry, records, anything.
It wasn't the same for Momma, despite her enormous wealth, despite her being married now to a handsome, bright and wealthy businessman, she was always complaining about one thing or another. She was still upset about her weight and what she thought were imperfections in her figure. Finally, in late May, she announced she was going to Switzerland to a "wonder spa" she had learned about from her wealthy friends. She would be there for at least a month, or "however long it took." The best thing for me was she said I could stay at Winterhaven straight through until the school year ended.
She left the last week in May. Two weeks later my second year at Winterhaven ended. Joshua, William, Jennifer and I made all sorts of plans for the summer. I hoped I would be able to do half of what we dreamt of doing. I thought I would begin by inviting them all to Farthy the very first weekend back, but when I told Tony, he said it would be better if I waited for my mother's return before I went anywhere or had friends come visit.
It was our first argument and we had it during our first dinner together. Even little Troy became very upset.
"I'm not a little girl, Tony. I don't have to have my mother's permission for every single thing I do," I
complained.
"No, but it's not going to be that much longer before she returns and it would be better if she decided something like this," he said softly.
"Why? It's not a major decision in my life. I just want to invite some friends for a weekend. It's not that we don't have the room or can't afford the expense," I insisted.
"Of course we have the room and can afford guests. But you're still a minor and decisions about where you go and who you see must be made by your legal guardians," he replied. "Besides, after what happened once when you were alone with a young boy . . . I would have to spend all my time acting as chaperon and . . ."
"That's not fair," I cried.
"Still, it's an enormous responsibility. I would feel much better if we wait until Jillian returns. It's not that much longer and besides . . ."
"I'll be bored to death until Momma comes home!" I cried. That was when little Troy's eyes filled with tears too.
"No, you won't," Tony said, suddenly smiling. "I'm taking a short vacation and with the weather so wonderful, there will be much to do. We'll go horseback riding. I've filled and started heating the outdoor pool . ."
"It's not the same thing!" I declared. I threw my napkin down on my plate of food. "I feel trapped."
"Now Leigh, please don't have a tantrum. Everything has been going so well while your mother's been away, I would hate. . ."
"I don't care. It's not fair," I repeated and got up from the table.
"Leigh!" Tony cried, but I ran out of the room and upstairs to my suite, throwing myself over my bed. I held Angel and sobbed until I could sob no more. Then I sat up and wiped my eyes and gazed at my beautiful doll. She looked so sympathetic and sad, too.
"Oh, Angel," I said, "why can't I be like other young people my age and live in a normal home with a normal family, so I could do things girls my age want to do? I don't care about all this wealth. What good is it if it doesn't make me happy?"
I sighed. Of course, my doll couldn't answer, but it made me feel better talking to her.
I stood up with Angel in my arms and went to the window that overlooked the front grounds. "It's going to be like being in prison, Angel My friends can't come here and I can't go to see them until Momma returns. What will I tell Joshua when he calls? What will I tell Jen? It's embarrassing.
"How can Tony think I would be happy just being with him? I like to go horseback riding and swimming, yes; but I would like to do some of that with my friends and not my mother's husband."
As if he heard me speaking about him, he suddenly appeared below, walking briskly down a garden walkway, heading for the English maze. In moments he disappeared within. I was sure he was going to the cottage. But why? Why did he keep it as an art studio still? Why had he lied to me too, about the new painting when I had asked him? He said he wasn't designing a new kind of portrait doll. Then what was he doing?
Out of curiosity as well as boredom and frustration, I put Angel back on my bed and hurried downstairs, slipping out a side entrance of Farthy to follow him. I didn't want Troy to see me and want to know where I was going or what I was doing. He'd cry to come along.
Daylight lasted much later now, but the bright orange sun dropping reluctantly below the horizon made the world seem so dreamlike and ethereal. The birds had already settled in, only a few still chirping. There were no terns crying. The blue sky was turning inky in the east and I thought I could see the first twinkling of a distant star as it emerged slowly out of the great vastness of space.
I hurried over the grass and slipped softly like a spy into the long, wide shadows cast by the tall hedges. I looked back only once at the great house. I had left the lights on in my suite and saw my wallpaper and curtains. Then I turned, listened, and stepped into the maze.
Never had it seemed as quiet in these corridors or as dark. I realized I hadnever gone into it this late in the day and never at night. How would I find my way back? Would it be too dark in the middle, even now? I hesitated. How did Tony get through it and how would he come back?
Still driven by overwhelming curiosity, I continued down the first corridor, turning quickly around the first and second corners and then moving as quietly as I could through the center of the maze. The only sounds were the soft crunch of my feet over some fallen twigs and my own heavy breathing. Finally, I steeped out on the other side and confronted the cottage. The shades were still drawn, but I could tell that the lights within burned brightly.
Could it be that Tony had another young model, someone he wanted kept secret? Was he afraid I would be jealous? Or that Momma would be angry ad jealous? Hovering in the shadows now cast by the trees, I scurried down to the small fence and listened. There was some soft music playing, but I heard no voices.
Carefully, I passed through the front gate and went to the first window. It was difficult to see within because the shade had been drawn so tightly. I could make out only the legs of the easel. I moved down to the second window. This would offer me a much better view of what was going on within because the shade was short of touching the bottom by at least four inches. The window looked in on the room from a rear perspective. I would be looking toward the front door from behind the easel.
I knelt down slowly and peered over the bottom of the window frame through the opening. Tony wasn't in the room, but the painting I had discovered when I had brought Joshua to the cottage was there.
I gasped when I saw what Tony had added to it.
He had drawn and painted in himself lying naked beside the female figure that combined so many characteristics of my mother with me. Why did he do that? What did it mean?
Before I could rise and leave, he emerged from the kitchen.
I gasped again. He was stark naked!
He stopped abruptly and looked my way. I felt icicles dripping down my neck and for a moment, I couldn't move. Did he see me?
Without any hesitation, I jumped up and ran as fast as I could to the front gate, opened it and scurried as quickly as my feet would permit until I was charging down the corridor of hedges in the maze.
seventeen HARD LESSONS
. Because of my excitement and the dim light, I made a few wrong turns and found myself running in circles through the center of the maze. Frantic, wet with perspiration, I stopped to catch my breath. My heart was pounding so hard, I thought it would shatter from the effort and pressure. I took deep breaths and tried desperately to get a hold of myself so I could think calmly and restore my sense of direction. Leaning too far back, I got my hair caught in some branches and screamed because I didn't know what was happening. I thought someone had grabbed me. Once I understood, I pulled myself loose quickly and continued.
Carefully I chose one turn and then another, forcing myself to move slowly and accurately through the hedges until I saw the familiar entrance on the Farthy side and shot out. I stopped again to catch my breath and listen. Had Tony seen me? Was he in pursuit? I heard no footsteps, nothing.
Still, I hurriedly returned to the house and ran upstairs to my suite. As soon as I entered, I shut my door and leaned back against it. Behind my closed eyelids, I once again saw that new painting. Tony's left hand completely covered my right breast and he was smiling down at me, his cerulean blue eyes painted so brightly they looked absolutely luminous in the picture.
Then I again envisioned him emerging naked from the kitchen. I assumed he had taken off his clothing because he had been using himself as a model. There was probably a mirror set against a wall, I thought. What other reason would he have for undressing while he worked?
He hadn't shouted out or quickly dressed to pursue me. Perhaps he hadn't seen me peeping through the window after all. I decided not to say anything about it. When my mother returned, I would tell her. She should know about something like this. It was so bizarre.
I relaxed now that I was safe in my own room. My body was still sticky with sweat, my silk blouse clinging to my arms and chest as if it had been glued to me. I felt ratty, dirty, not only from the flight t
hrough the hedges, but from what I had seen. I shook my head and shuddered. Then I embraced myself like someone caught in a snowstorm and hurried across my suite to my bathroom to run a warm bath. I shook in some bubble bath powder and watched the water turn aqua, the sweet scent circling around me like smoke.
I went to my dresser and chose a nightgown. After I hung it up on the bathroom door, I sat down at the vanity table and brushed out my hair. Some tiny twigs and leaves fell on the table. Looking in the mirror, I saw my face was still quite flushed, my cheeks bright red as if they had been slapped. I sat back for a moment in a daze. Then I remembered my bath and got up quickly. I stripped off my clothing as fast as I could and lowered myself into the soothing, tepid, perfumed liquid. It embraced me and I closed my eyes and lay back, moaning with pleasure.
I might have fallen asleep in the water for a few minutes. I don't know; I lost track of time. Suddenly, I opened my eyes and realized the bath had cooled down considerably. I rose out of it immediately and dried myself. Then I put on my nightgown and slipped under my soft blanket, searching for the security and warmth of my own bed. I just wanted to go to sleep and forget the whole day.
When I gazed out the window to my left, I saw a slice of the silvery moon gleaming through some gauzelike clouds. Above it a single bright star blinked like the light of a ship anchored for the evening somewhere far out on the inky ocean. The moonlight flowed into my room, turning my furniture into ghostlike silhouettes, but Angel's eyes twinkled reassuringly. I reached out and took hold of the doll's little hand. Then I closed my eyes and let myself sink into sleep, anxious for the peace and the darkness.
Suddenly, my eyes snapped open. I sensed I was not alone. I didn't move; I listened keenly and waited. There was the distinct sound of someone else's heavy breathing. Gradually, in tiny increments of movement, I turned in my bed until I was completely on my back, looking up. In the same silvery moonlight that had soothed and sent me into sleep stood Tony Tatterton, his naked chest glistening. I was trembling so hard, I thought I would stutter when I spoke, but ray words came out straight and true.