CHAPTER VIII. STRONGLY ILLUSTRATIVE OF THE POSITION, THAT THE COURSE OFTRUE LOVE IS NOT A RAILWAY
The quiet seclusion of Dingley Dell, the presence of so many of thegentler sex, and the solicitude and anxiety they evinced in his behalf,were all favourable to the growth and development of those softerfeelings which nature had implanted deep in the bosom of Mr. TracyTupman, and which now appeared destined to centre in one lovely object.The young ladies were pretty, their manners winning, their dispositionsunexceptionable; but there was a dignity in the air, a touch-me-not-ishness in the walk, a majesty in the eye, of the spinster aunt, towhich, at their time of life, they could lay no claim, whichdistinguished her from any female on whom Mr. Tupman had ever gazed.That there was something kindred in their nature, something congenial intheir souls, something mysteriously sympathetic in their bosoms, wasevident. Her name was the first that rose to Mr. Tupman's lips as he laywounded on the grass; and her hysteric laughter was the first sound thatfell upon his ear when he was supported to the house. But had heragitation arisen from an amiable and feminine sensibility which wouldhave been equally irrepressible in any case; or had it been called forthby a more ardent and passionate feeling, which he, of all men living,could alone awaken? These were the doubts which racked his brain as helay extended on the sofa; these were the doubts which he determinedshould be at once and for ever resolved.
It was evening. Isabella and Emily had strolled out with Mr. Trundle;the deaf old lady had fallen asleep in her chair; the snoring of the fatboy, penetrated in a low and monotonous sound from the distant kitchen;the buxom servants were lounging at the side door, enjoying thepleasantness of the hour, and the delights of a flirtation, on firstprinciples, with certain unwieldy animals attached to the farm; andthere sat the interesting pair, uncared for by all, caring for none, anddreaming only of themselves; there they sat, in short, like a pair ofcarefully-folded kid gloves--bound up in each other.
'I have forgotten my flowers,' said the spinster aunt.
'Water them now,' said Mr. Tupman, in accents of persuasion.
'You will take cold in the evening air,' urged the spinster auntaffectionately.
'No, no,' said Mr. Tupman, rising; 'it will do me good. Let me accompanyyou.'
The lady paused to adjust the sling in which the left arm of the youthwas placed, and taking his right arm led him to the garden.
There was a bower at the farther end, with honeysuckle, jessamine, andcreeping plants--one of those sweet retreats which humane men erect forthe accommodation of spiders.
The spinster aunt took up a large watering-pot which lay in one corner,and was about to leave the arbour. Mr. Tupman detained her, and drew herto a seat beside him.
'Miss Wardle!' said he.
The spinster aunt trembled, till some pebbles which had accidentallyfound their way into the large watering-pot shook like an infant'srattle.
'Miss Wardle,' said Mr. Tupman, 'you are an angel.'
'Mr. Tupman!' exclaimed Rachael, blushing as red as the watering-potitself.
'Nay,' said the eloquent Pickwickian--'I know it but too well.'
'All women are angels, they say,' murmured the lady playfully.
'Then what can you be; or to what, without presumption, can I compareyou?' replied Mr. Tupman. 'Where was the woman ever seen who resembledyou? Where else could I hope to find so rare a combination of excellenceand beauty? Where else could I seek to--Oh!' Here Mr. Tupman paused, andpressed the hand which clasped the handle of the happy watering-pot.
The lady turned aside her head. 'Men are such deceivers,' she softlywhispered.
'They are, they are,' ejaculated Mr. Tupman; 'but not all men. Therelives at least one being who can never change--one being who would becontent to devote his whole existence to your happiness--who lives butin your eyes--who breathes but in your smiles--who bears the heavyburden of life itself only for you.'
'Could such an individual be found--' said the lady.
'But he _can_ be found,' said the ardent Mr. Tupman, interposing. 'He_is_ found. He is here, Miss Wardle.' And ere the lady was aware of hisintention, Mr. Tupman had sunk upon his knees at her feet.
'Mr. Tupman, rise,' said Rachael.
'Never!' was the valorous reply. 'Oh, Rachael!' He seized her passivehand, and the watering-pot fell to the ground as he pressed it to hislips.--'Oh, Rachael! say you love me.'
'Mr. Tupman,' said the spinster aunt, with averted head, 'I can hardlyspeak the words; but--but--you are not wholly indifferent to me.'
Mr. Tupman no sooner heard this avowal, than he proceeded to do what hisenthusiastic emotions prompted, and what, for aught we know (for we arebut little acquainted with such matters), people so circumstanced alwaysdo. He jumped up, and, throwing his arm round the neck of the spinsteraunt, imprinted upon her lips numerous kisses, which after a due show ofstruggling and resistance, she received so passively, that there is notelling how many more Mr. Tupman might have bestowed, if the lady hadnot given a very unaffected start, and exclaimed in an affrighted tone--
'Mr. Tupman, we are observed!--we are discovered!'
Mr. Tupman looked round. There was the fat boy, perfectly motionless,with his large circular eyes staring into the arbour, but without theslightest expression on his face that the most expert physiognomistcould have referred to astonishment, curiosity, or any other knownpassion that agitates the human breast. Mr. Tupman gazed on the fat boy,and the fat boy stared at him; and the longer Mr. Tupman observed theutter vacancy of the fat boy's countenance, the more convinced he becamethat he either did not know, or did not understand, anything that hadbeen going forward. Under this impression, he said with great firmness--
'What do you want here, Sir?'
'Supper's ready, sir,' was the prompt reply.
'Have you just come here, sir?' inquired Mr. Tupman, with a piercinglook.
'Just,' replied the fat boy.
Mr. Tupman looked at him very hard again; but there was not a wink inhis eye, or a curve in his face.
Mr. Tupman took the arm of the spinster aunt, and walked towards thehouse; the fat boy followed behind.
'He knows nothing of what has happened,' he whispered.
'Nothing,' said the spinster aunt.
There was a sound behind them, as of an imperfectly suppressed chuckle.Mr. Tupman turned sharply round. No; it could not have been the fat boy;there was not a gleam of mirth, or anything but feeding in his wholevisage.
'He must have been fast asleep,' whispered Mr. Tupman.
'I have not the least doubt of it,' replied the spinster aunt.
They both laughed heartily.
Mr. Tupman was wrong. The fat boy, for once, had not been fast asleep.He was awake--wide awake--to what had been going forward.
The supper passed off without any attempt at a general conversation. Theold lady had gone to bed; Isabella Wardle devoted herself exclusively toMr. Trundle; the spinster's attentions were reserved for Mr. Tupman; andEmily's thoughts appeared to be engrossed by some distant object--possibly they were with the absent Snodgrass.
Eleven--twelve--one o'clock had struck, and the gentlemen had notarrived. Consternation sat on every face. Could they have been waylaidand robbed? Should they send men and lanterns in every direction bywhich they could be supposed likely to have travelled home? or shouldthey--Hark! there they were. What could have made them so late? Astrange voice, too! To whom could it belong? They rushed into thekitchen, whither the truants had repaired, and at once obtained rathermore than a glimmering of the real state of the case.
Mr. Pickwick, with his hands in his pockets and his hat cockedcompletely over his left eye, was leaning against the dresser, shakinghis head from side to side, and producing a constant succession of theblandest and most benevolent smiles without being moved thereunto by anydiscernible cause or pretence whatsoever; old Mr. Wardle, with a highly-inflamed countenance, was grasping the hand of a strange gentlemanmuttering protestations of eternal friendship; Mr. Winkle, supportinghimself by the eight-
day clock, was feebly invoking destruction upon thehead of any member of the family who should suggest the propriety of hisretiring for the night; and Mr. Snodgrass had sunk into a chair, with anexpression of the most abject and hopeless misery that the human mindcan imagine, portrayed in every lineament of his expressive face.
'Is anything the matter?' inquired the three ladies.
'Nothing the matter,' replied Mr. Pickwick. 'We--we're--all right.--Isay, Wardle, we're all right, ain't we?'
'I should think so,' replied the jolly host.--'My dears, here's myfriend Mr. Jingle--Mr. Pickwick's friend, Mr. Jingle, come 'pon--littlevisit.'
'Is anything the matter with Mr. Snodgrass, Sir?' inquired Emily, withgreat anxiety.
'Nothing the matter, ma'am,' replied the stranger. 'Cricket dinner--glorious party--capital songs--old port--claret--good--very good--wine,ma'am--wine.'
'It wasn't the wine,' murmured Mr. Snodgrass, in a broken voice. 'It wasthe salmon.' (Somehow or other, it never is the wine, in these cases.)
'Hadn't they better go to bed, ma'am?' inquired Emma. 'Two of the boyswill carry the gentlemen upstairs.'
'I won't go to bed,' said Mr. Winkle firmly.
'No living boy shall carry me,' said Mr. Pickwick stoutly; and he wenton smiling as before.
'Hurrah!' gasped Mr. Winkle faintly.
'Hurrah!' echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking off his hat and dashing it on thefloor, and insanely casting his spectacles into the middle of thekitchen. At this humorous feat he laughed outright.
'Let's--have--'nother--bottle,' cried Mr. Winkle, commencing in a veryloud key, and ending in a very faint one. His head dropped upon hisbreast; and, muttering his invincible determination not to go to hisbed, and a sanguinary regret that he had not 'done for old Tupman' inthe morning, he fell fast asleep; in which condition he was borne to hisapartment by two young giants under the personal superintendence of thefat boy, to whose protecting care Mr. Snodgrass shortly afterwardsconfided his own person, Mr. Pickwick accepted the proffered arm of Mr.Tupman and quietly disappeared, smiling more than ever; and Mr. Wardle,after taking as affectionate a leave of the whole family as if he wereordered for immediate execution, consigned to Mr. Trundle the honour ofconveying him upstairs, and retired, with a very futile attempt to lookimpressively solemn and dignified.
'What a shocking scene!' said the spinster aunt.
'Dis-gusting!' ejaculated both the young ladies.
'Dreadful--dreadful!' said Jingle, looking very grave: he was about abottle and a half ahead of any of his companions. 'Horrid spectacle--very!'
'What a nice man!' whispered the spinster aunt to Mr. Tupman.
'Good-looking, too!' whispered Emily Wardle.
'Oh, decidedly,' observed the spinster aunt.
Mr. Tupman thought of the widow at Rochester, and his mind was troubled.The succeeding half-hour's conversation was not of a nature to calm hisperturbed spirit. The new visitor was very talkative, and the number ofhis anecdotes was only to be exceeded by the extent of his politeness.Mr. Tupman felt that as Jingle's popularity increased, he (Tupman)retired further into the shade. His laughter was forced--his merrimentfeigned; and when at last he laid his aching temples between the sheets,he thought, with horrid delight, on the satisfaction it would afford himto have Jingle's head at that moment between the feather bed and themattress.
The indefatigable stranger rose betimes next morning, and, although hiscompanions remained in bed overpowered with the dissipation of theprevious night, exerted himself most successfully to promote thehilarity of the breakfast-table. So successful were his efforts, thateven the deaf old lady insisted on having one or two of his best jokesretailed through the trumpet; and even she condescended to observe tothe spinster aunt, that 'He' (meaning Jingle) 'was an impudent youngfellow:' a sentiment in which all her relations then and there presentthoroughly coincided.
It was the old lady's habit on the fine summer mornings to repair to thearbour in which Mr. Tupman had already signalised himself, in form andmanner following: first, the fat boy fetched from a peg behind the oldlady's bedroom door, a close black satin bonnet, a warm cotton shawl,and a thick stick with a capacious handle; and the old lady, having puton the bonnet and shawl at her leisure, would lean one hand on the stickand the other on the fat boy's shoulder, and walk leisurely to thearbour, where the fat boy would leave her to enjoy the fresh air for thespace of half an hour; at the expiration of which time he would returnand reconduct her to the house.
The old lady was very precise and very particular; and as this ceremonyhad been observed for three successive summers without the slightestdeviation from the accustomed form, she was not a little surprised onthis particular morning to see the fat boy, instead of leaving thearbour, walk a few paces out of it, look carefully round him in everydirection, and return towards her with great stealth and an air of themost profound mystery.
The old lady was timorous--most old ladies are--and her first impressionwas that the bloated lad was about to do her some grievous bodily harmwith the view of possessing himself of her loose coin. She would havecried for assistance, but age and infirmity had long ago deprived her ofthe power of screaming; she, therefore, watched his motions withfeelings of intense horror which were in no degree diminished by hiscoming close up to her, and shouting in her ear in an agitated, and asit seemed to her, a threatening tone--
'Missus!'
Now it so happened that Mr. Jingle was walking in the garden close tothe arbour at that moment. He too heard the shouts of 'Missus,' andstopped to hear more. There were three reasons for his doing so. In thefirst place, he was idle and curious; secondly, he was by no meansscrupulous; thirdly, and lastly, he was concealed from view by someflowering shrubs. So there he stood, and there he listened.
'Missus!' shouted the fat boy.
'Well, Joe,' said the trembling old lady. 'I'm sure I have been a goodmistress to you, Joe. You have invariably been treated very kindly. Youhave never had too much to do; and you have always had enough to eat.'
This last was an appeal to the fat boy's most sensitive feelings. Heseemed touched, as he replied emphatically--
'I knows I has.'
'Then what can you want to do now?' said the old lady, gaining courage.
'I wants to make your flesh creep,' replied the boy.
This sounded like a very bloodthirsty mode of showing one's gratitude;and as the old lady did not precisely understand the process by whichsuch a result was to be attained, all her former horrors returned.
'What do you think I see in this very arbour last night?' inquired theboy.
'Bless us! What?' exclaimed the old lady, alarmed at the solemn mannerof the corpulent youth.
'The strange gentleman--him as had his arm hurt--a-kissin' and huggin'--'
'Who, Joe? None of the servants, I hope.'
Worser than that,' roared the fat boy, in the old lady's ear.
'Not one of my grandda'aters?'
'Worser than that.'
'Worse than that, Joe!' said the old lady, who had thought this theextreme limit of human atrocity. 'Who was it, Joe? I insist uponknowing.'
The fat boy looked cautiously round, and having concluded his survey,shouted in the old lady's ear--
'Miss Rachael.'
'What!' said the old lady, in a shrill tone. 'Speak louder.'
'Miss Rachael,' roared the fat boy.
'My da'ater!'
The train of nods which the fat boy gave by way of assent, communicateda blanc-mange like motion to his fat cheeks.
'And she suffered him!' exclaimed the old lady. A grin stole over thefat boy's features as he said--
'I see her a-kissin' of him agin.'
If Mr. Jingle, from his place of concealment, could have beheld theexpression which the old lady's face assumed at this communication, theprobability is that a sudden burst of laughter would have betrayed hisclose vicinity to the summer-house. He listened attentively. Fragmentsof angry sentences such as, 'Without my permission!'--'At her time of
life'--'Miserable old 'ooman like me'--'Might have waited till I wasdead,' and so forth, reached his ears; and then he heard the heels ofthe fat boy's boots crunching the gravel, as he retired and left the oldlady alone.
It was a remarkable coincidence perhaps, but it was nevertheless a fact,that Mr. Jingle within five minutes of his arrival at Manor Farm on thepreceding night, had inwardly resolved to lay siege to the heart of thespinster aunt, without delay. He had observation enough to see, that hisoff-hand manner was by no means disagreeable to the fair object of hisattack; and he had more than a strong suspicion that she possessed thatmost desirable of all requisites, a small independence. The imperativenecessity of ousting his rival by some means or other, flashed quicklyupon him, and he immediately resolved to adopt certain proceedingstending to that end and object, without a moment's delay. Fielding tellsus that man is fire, and woman tow, and the Prince of Darkness sets alight to 'em. Mr. Jingle knew that young men, to spinster aunts, are aslighted gas to gunpowder, and he determined to essay the effect of anexplosion without loss of time.
Full of reflections upon this important decision, he crept from hisplace of concealment, and, under cover of the shrubs before mentioned,approached the house. Fortune seemed determined to favour his design.Mr. Tupman and the rest of the gentlemen left the garden by the sidegate just as he obtained a view of it; and the young ladies, he knew,had walked out alone, soon after breakfast. The coast was clear.
The breakfast-parlour door was partially open. He peeped in. Thespinster aunt was knitting. He coughed; she looked up and smiled.Hesitation formed no part of Mr. Alfred Jingle's character. He laid hisfinger on his lips mysteriously, walked in, and closed the door.
'Miss Wardle,' said Mr. Jingle, with affected earnestness, 'forgiveintrusion--short acquaintance--no time for ceremony--all discovered.'
'Sir!' said the spinster aunt, rather astonished by the unexpectedapparition and somewhat doubtful of Mr. Jingle's sanity.
'Hush!' said Mr. Jingle, in a stage-whisper--'Large boy--dumpling face--round eyes--rascal!' Here he shook his head expressively, and thespinster aunt trembled with agitation.
'I presume you allude to Joseph, Sir?' said the lady, making an effortto appear composed.
'Yes, ma'am--damn that Joe!--treacherous dog, Joe--told the old lady--old lady furious--wild--raving--arbour--Tupman--kissing and hugging--allthat sort of thing--eh, ma'am--eh?'
'Mr. Jingle,' said the spinster aunt, 'if you come here, Sir, to insultme--'
'Not at all--by no means,' replied the unabashed Mr. Jingle--'overheardthe tale--came to warn you of your danger--tender my services--preventthe hubbub. Never mind--think it an insult--leave the room'--and heturned, as if to carry the threat into execution.
'What _shall_ I do!' said the poor spinster, bursting into tears. 'Mybrother will be furious.'
'Of course he will,' said Mr. Jingle pausing--'outrageous.'
Oh, Mr. Jingle, what _can_ I say!' exclaimed the spinster aunt, inanother flood of despair.
'Say he dreamt it,' replied Mr. Jingle coolly.
A ray of comfort darted across the mind of the spinster aunt at thissuggestion. Mr. Jingle perceived it, and followed up his advantage.
'Pooh, pooh!--nothing more easy--blackguard boy--lovely woman--fat boyhorsewhipped--you believed--end of the matter--all comfortable.'
Whether the probability of escaping from the consequences of this ill-timed discovery was delightful to the spinster's feelings, or whetherthe hearing herself described as a 'lovely woman' softened the asperityof her grief, we know not. She blushed slightly, and cast a gratefullook on Mr. Jingle.
That insinuating gentleman sighed deeply, fixed his eyes on the spinsteraunt's face for a couple of minutes, started melodramatically, andsuddenly withdrew them.
'You seem unhappy, Mr. Jingle,' said the lady, in a plaintive voice.'May I show my gratitude for your kind interference, by inquiring intothe cause, with a view, if possible, to its removal?'
'Ha!' exclaimed Mr. Jingle, with another start--'removal! remove myunhappiness, and your love bestowed upon a man who is insensible to theblessing--who even now contemplates a design upon the affections of theniece of the creature who--but no; he is my friend; I will not exposehis vices. Miss Wardle--farewell!' At the conclusion of this address,the most consecutive he was ever known to utter, Mr. Jingle applied tohis eyes the remnant of a handkerchief before noticed, and turnedtowards the door.
'Stay, Mr. Jingle!' said the spinster aunt emphatically. 'You have madean allusion to Mr. Tupman--explain it.'
'Never!' exclaimed Jingle, with a professional (i.e., theatrical) air.'Never!' and, by way of showing that he had no desire to be questionedfurther, he drew a chair close to that of the spinster aunt and satdown.
'Mr. Jingle,' said the aunt, 'I entreat--I implore you, if there is anydreadful mystery connected with Mr. Tupman, reveal it.'
'Can I,' said Mr. Jingle, fixing his eyes on the aunt's face--'can Isee--lovely creature--sacrificed at the shrine--heartless avarice!' Heappeared to be struggling with various conflicting emotions for a fewseconds, and then said in a low voice-- 'Tupman only wants your money.'
'The wretch!' exclaimed the spinster, with energetic indignation. (Mr.Jingle's doubts were resolved. She _had_ money.)
'More than that,' said Jingle--'loves another.'
'Another!' ejaculated the spinster. 'Who?'
Short girl--black eyes--niece Emily.'
There was a pause.
Now, if there was one individual in the whole world, of whom thespinster aunt entertained a mortal and deep-rooted jealousy, it was thisidentical niece. The colour rushed over her face and neck, and shetossed her head in silence with an air of ineffable contempt. At last,biting her thin lips, and bridling up, she said--
'It can't be. I won't believe it.'
'Watch 'em,' said Jingle.
'I will,' said the aunt.
'Watch his looks.'
'I will.'
'His whispers.'
'I will.'
'He'll sit next her at table.'
'Let him.'
'He'll flatter her.'
'Let him.'
'He'll pay her every possible attention.'
'Let him.'
'And he'll cut you.'
'Cut _me_!' screamed the spinster aunt. '_he_ cut _me_; will he!' andshe trembled with rage and disappointment.
'You will convince yourself?' said Jingle.
'I will.'
'You'll show your spirit?'
'I will.'
You'll not have him afterwards?'
'Never.'
'You'll take somebody else?'
Yes.'
'You shall.'
Mr. Jingle fell on his knees, remained thereupon for five minutesthereafter; and rose the accepted lover of the spinster aunt--conditionally upon Mr. Tupman's perjury being made clear and manifest.
The burden of proof lay with Mr. Alfred Jingle; and he produced hisevidence that very day at dinner. The spinster aunt could hardly believeher eyes. Mr. Tracy Tupman was established at Emily's side, ogling,whispering, and smiling, in opposition to Mr. Snodgrass. Not a word, nota look, not a glance, did he bestow upon his heart's pride of theevening before.
'Damn that boy!' thought old Mr. Wardle to himself.--He had heard thestory from his mother. 'Damn that boy! He must have been asleep. It'sall imagination.'
'Traitor!' thought the spinster aunt. 'Dear Mr. Jingle was not deceivingme. Ugh! how I hate the wretch!'
The following conversation may serve to explain to our readers thisapparently unaccountable alteration of deportment on the part of Mr.Tracy Tupman.
The time was evening; the scene the garden. There were two figureswalking in a side path; one was rather short and stout; the other talland slim. They were Mr. Tupman and Mr. Jingle. The stout figurecommenced the dialogue.
'How did I do it?' he inquired.
'Splendid--capital--couldn't act better myself--you must repeat the partto-morrow--every evening till fu
rther notice.'
'Does Rachael still wish it?'
'Of course--she don't like it--but must be done--avert suspicion--afraidof her brother--says there's no help for it--only a few days more--whenold folks blinded--crown your happiness.'
'Any message?'
'Love--best love--kindest regards--unalterable affection. Can I sayanything for you?'
'My dear fellow,' replied the unsuspicious Mr. Tupman, ferventlygrasping his 'friend's' hand--'carry my best love--say how hard I findit to dissemble--say anything that's kind: but add how sensible I am ofthe necessity of the suggestion she made to me, through you, thismorning. Say I applaud her wisdom and admire her discretion.'
I will. Anything more?'
'Nothing, only add how ardently I long for the time when I may call hermine, and all dissimulation may be unnecessary.'
'Certainly, certainly. Anything more?'
'Oh, my friend!' said poor Mr. Tupman, again grasping the hand of hiscompanion, 'receive my warmest thanks for your disinterested kindness;and forgive me if I have ever, even in thought, done you the injusticeof supposing that you could stand in my way. My dear friend, can I everrepay you?'
'Don't talk of it,' replied Mr. Jingle. He stopped short, as if suddenlyrecollecting something, and said--'By the bye--can't spare ten pounds,can you?--very particular purpose--pay you in three days.'
'I dare say I can,' replied Mr. Tupman, in the fulness of his heart.'Three days, you say?'
'Only three days--all over then--no more difficulties.' Mr. Tupmancounted the money into his companion's hand, and he dropped it piece bypiece into his pocket, as they walked towards the house.
'Be careful,' said Mr. Jingle--'not a look.'
'Not a wink,' said Mr. Tupman.
'Not a syllable.'
'Not a whisper.'
'All your attentions to the niece--rather rude, than otherwise, to theaunt--only way of deceiving the old ones.'
'I'll take care,' said Mr. Tupman aloud.
'And _I'll_ take care,' said Mr. Jingle internally; and they entered thehouse.
The scene of that afternoon was repeated that evening, and on the threeafternoons and evenings next ensuing. On the fourth, the host was inhigh spirits, for he had satisfied himself that there was no ground forthe charge against Mr. Tupman. So was Mr. Tupman, for Mr. Jingle hadtold him that his affair would soon be brought to a crisis. So was Mr.Pickwick, for he was seldom otherwise. So was not Mr. Snodgrass, for hehad grown jealous of Mr. Tupman. So was the old lady, for she had beenwinning at whist. So were Mr. Jingle and Miss Wardle, for reasons ofsufficient importance in this eventful history to be narrated in anotherchapter.