CHAPTER XIII. SOME ACCOUNT OF EATANSWILL; OF THE STATE OF PARTIESTHEREIN; AND OF THE ELECTION OF A MEMBER TO SERVE IN PARLIAMENT FOR THATANCIENT, LOYAL, AND PATRIOTIC BOROUGH
We will frankly acknowledge that, up to the period of our being firstimmersed in the voluminous papers of the Pickwick Club, we had neverheard of Eatanswill; we will with equal candour admit that we have invain searched for proof of the actual existence of such a place at thepresent day. Knowing the deep reliance to be placed on every note andstatement of Mr. Pickwick's, and not presuming to set up ourrecollection against the recorded declarations of that great man, wehave consulted every authority, bearing upon the subject, to which wecould possibly refer. We have traced every name in schedules A and B,without meeting with that of Eatanswill; we have minutely examined everycorner of the pocket county maps issued for the benefit of society byour distinguished publishers, and the same result has attended ourinvestigation. We are therefore led to believe that Mr. Pickwick, withthat anxious desire to abstain from giving offence to any, and withthose delicate feelings for which all who knew him well know he was soeminently remarkable, purposely substituted a fictitious designation,for the real name of the place in which his observations were made. Weare confirmed in this belief by a little circumstance, apparently slightand trivial in itself, but when considered in this point of view, notundeserving of notice. In Mr. Pickwick's note-book, we can just trace anentry of the fact, that the places of himself and followers were bookedby the Norwich coach; but this entry was afterwards lined through, as iffor the purpose of concealing even the direction in which the borough issituated. We will not, therefore, hazard a guess upon the subject, butwill at once proceed with this history, content with the materials whichits characters have provided for us.
It appears, then, that the Eatanswill people, like the people of manyother small towns, considered themselves of the utmost and most mightyimportance, and that every man in Eatanswill, conscious of the weightthat attached to his example, felt himself bound to unite, heart andsoul, with one of the two great parties that divided the town--the Bluesand the Buffs. Now the Blues lost no opportunity of opposing the Buffs,and the Buffs lost no opportunity of opposing the Blues; and theconsequence was, that whenever the Buffs and Blues met together atpublic meeting, town-hall, fair, or market, disputes and high wordsarose between them. With these dissensions it is almost superfluous tosay that everything in Eatanswill was made a party question. If theBuffs proposed to new skylight the market-place, the Blues got up publicmeetings, and denounced the proceeding; if the Blues proposed theerection of an additional pump in the High Street, the Buffs rose as oneman and stood aghast at the enormity. There were Blue shops and Buffshops, Blue inns and Buff inns--there was a Blue aisle and a Buff aislein the very church itself.
Of course it was essentially and indispensably necessary that each ofthese powerful parties should have its chosen organ and representative:and, accordingly, there were two newspapers in the town--the Eatanswill_Gazette_ and the Eatanswill _Independent_; the former advocating Blueprinciples, and the latter conducted on grounds decidedly Buff. Finenewspapers they were. Such leading articles, and such spirited attacks!--'Our worthless contemporary, the _Gazette_'--'That disgraceful anddastardly journal, the _Independent_'--'That false and scurrilous print,the _Independent_'--'That vile and slanderous calumniator, the_Gazette_;' these, and other spirit-stirring denunciations, were strewnplentifully over the columns of each, in every number, and excitedfeelings of the most intense delight and indignation in the bosoms ofthe townspeople.
Mr. Pickwick, with his usual foresight and sagacity, had chosen apeculiarly desirable moment for his visit to the borough. Never was sucha contest known. The Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, was theBlue candidate; and Horatio Fizkin, Esq., of Fizkin Lodge, nearEatanswill, had been prevailed upon by his friends to stand forward onthe Buff interest. The _Gazette_ warned the electors of Eatanswill thatthe eyes not only of England, but of the whole civilised world, wereupon them; and the _Independent_ imperatively demanded to know, whetherthe constituency of Eatanswill were the grand fellows they had alwaystaken them for, or base and servile tools, undeserving alike of the nameof Englishmen and the blessings of freedom. Never had such a commotionagitated the town before.
It was late in the evening when Mr. Pickwick and his companions,assisted by Sam, dismounted from the roof of the Eatanswill coach. Largeblue silk flags were flying from the windows of the Town Arms Inn, andbills were posted in every sash, intimating, in gigantic letters, thatthe Honourable Samuel Slumkey's committee sat there daily. A crowd ofidlers were assembled in the road, looking at a hoarse man in thebalcony, who was apparently talking himself very red in the face in Mr.Slumkey's behalf; but the force and point of whose arguments weresomewhat impaired by the perpetual beating of four large drums which Mr.Fizkin's committee had stationed at the street corner. There was a busylittle man beside him, though, who took off his hat at intervals andmotioned to the people to cheer, which they regularly did, mostenthusiastically; and as the red-faced gentleman went on talking till hewas redder in the face than ever, it seemed to answer his purpose quiteas well as if anybody had heard him.
The Pickwickians had no sooner dismounted than they were surrounded by abranch mob of the honest and independent, who forthwith set up threedeafening cheers, which being responded to by the main body (for it'snot at all necessary for a crowd to know what they are cheering about),swelled into a tremendous roar of triumph, which stopped even the red-faced man in the balcony.
'Hurrah!' shouted the mob, in conclusion.
'One cheer more,' screamed the little fugleman in the balcony, and outshouted the mob again, as if lungs were cast-iron, with steel works.
'Slumkey for ever!' roared the honest and independent.
'Slumkey for ever!' echoed Mr. Pickwick, taking off his hat.
'No Fizkin!' roared the crowd.
'Certainly not!' shouted Mr. Pickwick. 'Hurrah!' And then there wasanother roaring, like that of a whole menagerie when the elephant hasrung the bell for the cold meat.
'Who is Slumkey?'whispered Mr. Tupman.
'I don't know,' replied Mr. Pickwick, in the same tone. 'Hush. Don't askany questions. It's always best on these occasions to do what the mobdo.'
'But suppose there are two mobs?' suggested Mr. Snodgrass.
'Shout with the largest,' replied Mr. Pickwick.
Volumes could not have said more.
They entered the house, the crowd opening right and left to let thempass, and cheering vociferously. The first object of consideration wasto secure quarters for the night.
'Can we have beds here?' inquired Mr. Pickwick, summoning the waiter.
'Don't know, Sir,' replied the man; 'afraid we're full, sir--I'llinquire, Sir.' Away he went for that purpose, and presently returned, toask whether the gentleman were 'Blue.'
As neither Mr. Pickwick nor his companions took any vital interest inthe cause of either candidate, the question was rather a difficult oneto answer. In this dilemma Mr. Pickwick bethought himself of his newfriend, Mr. Perker.
'Do you know a gentleman of the name of Perker?' inquired Mr. Pickwick.
'Certainly, Sir; Honourable Mr. Samuel Slumkey's agent.'
'He is Blue, I think?'
'Oh, yes, Sir.'
'Then _we_ are Blue,' said Mr. Pickwick; but observing that the manlooked rather doubtful at this accommodating announcement, he gave himhis card, and desired him to present it to Mr. Perker forthwith, if heshould happen to be in the house. The waiter retired; and reappearingalmost immediately with a request that Mr. Pickwick would follow him,led the way to a large room on the first floor, where, seated at a longtable covered with books and papers, was Mr. Perker.
'Ah--ah, my dear Sir,' said the little man, advancing to meet him; 'veryhappy to see you, my dear Sir, very. Pray sit down. So you have carriedyour intention into effect. You have come down here to see an election--eh?'
Mr. Pickwick replied in the affirmative
.
'Spirited contest, my dear sir,' said the little man.
'I'm delighted to hear it,' said Mr. Pickwick, rubbing his hands. 'Ilike to see sturdy patriotism, on whatever side it is called forth--andso it's a spirited contest?'
'Oh, yes,' said the little man, 'very much so indeed. We have opened allthe public-houses in the place, and left our adversary nothing but thebeer-shops--masterly stroke of policy that, my dear Sir, eh?' The littleman smiled complacently, and took a large pinch of snuff.
'And what are the probabilities as to the result of the contest?'inquired Mr. Pickwick.
'Why, doubtful, my dear Sir; rather doubtful as yet,' replied the littleman. 'Fizkin's people have got three-and-thirty voters in the lock-upcoach-house at the White Hart.'
'In the coach-house!' said Mr. Pickwick, considerably astonished by thissecond stroke of policy.
'They keep 'em locked up there till they want 'em,' resumed the littleman. 'The effect of that is, you see, to prevent our getting at them;and even if we could, it would be of no use, for they keep them verydrunk on purpose. Smart fellow Fizkin's agent--very smart fellowindeed.'
Mr. Pickwick stared, but said nothing.
'We are pretty confident, though,' said Mr. Perker, sinking his voicealmost to a whisper. 'We had a little tea-party here, last night--five-and-forty women, my dear sir--and gave every one of 'em a green parasolwhen she went away.'
'A parasol!' said Mr. Pickwick.
'Fact, my dear Sir, fact. Five-and-forty green parasols, at seven andsixpence a-piece. All women like finery--extraordinary the effect ofthose parasols. Secured all their husbands, and half their brothers--beats stockings, and flannel, and all that sort of thing hollow. Myidea, my dear Sir, entirely. Hail, rain, or sunshine, you can't walkhalf a dozen yards up the street, without encountering half a dozengreen parasols.'
Here the little man indulged in a convulsion of mirth, which was onlychecked by the entrance of a third party.
This was a tall, thin man, with a sandy-coloured head inclined tobaldness, and a face in which solemn importance was blended with a lookof unfathomable profundity. He was dressed in a long brown surtout, witha black cloth waistcoat, and drab trousers. A double eyeglass dangled athis waistcoat; and on his head he wore a very low-crowned hat with abroad brim. The new-comer was introduced to Mr. Pickwick as Mr. Pott,the editor of the Eatanswill _Gazette_. After a few preliminary remarks,Mr. Pott turned round to Mr. Pickwick, and said with solemnity--
'This contest excites great interest in the metropolis, sir?'
'I believe it does,' said Mr. Pickwick.
'To which I have reason to know,' said Pott, looking towards Mr. Perkerfor corroboration--'to which I have reason to know that my article oflast Saturday in some degree contributed.'
'Not the least doubt of it,' said the little man.
'The press is a mighty engine, sir,' said Pott.
Mr. Pickwick yielded his fullest assent to the proposition.
'But I trust, sir,' said Pott, 'that I have never abused the enormouspower I wield. I trust, sir, that I have never pointed the nobleinstrument which is placed in my hands, against the sacred bosom ofprivate life, or the tender breast of individual reputation; I trust,sir, that I have devoted my energies to--to endeavours--humble they maybe, humble I know they are--to instil those principles of--which--are--'
Here the editor of the Eatanswill _Gazette_, appearing to ramble, Mr.Pickwick came to his relief, and said--
'Certainly.'
'And what, Sir,' said Pott--'what, Sir, let me ask you as an impartialman, is the state of the public mind in London, with reference to mycontest with the _Independent_?'
'Greatly excited, no doubt,' interposed Mr. Perker, with a look ofslyness which was very likely accidental.
'The contest,' said Pott, 'shall be prolonged so long as I have healthand strength, and that portion of talent with which I am gifted. Fromthat contest, Sir, although it may unsettle men's minds and excite theirfeelings, and render them incapable for the discharge of the everydayduties of ordinary life; from that contest, sir, I will never shrink,till I have set my heel upon the Eatanswill _Independent_. I wish thepeople of London, and the people of this country to know, sir, that theymay rely upon me--that I will not desert them, that I am resolved tostand by them, Sir, to the last.'
Your conduct is most noble, Sir,' said Mr. Pickwick; and he grasped thehand of the magnanimous Pott.
'You are, sir, I perceive, a man of sense and talent,' said Mr. Pott,almost breathless with the vehemence of his patriotic declaration. 'I ammost happy, sir, to make the acquaintance of such a man.'
'And I,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'feel deeply honoured by this expression ofyour opinion. Allow me, sir, to introduce you to my fellow-travellers,the other corresponding members of the club I am proud to have founded.'
'I shall be delighted,' said Mr. Pott.
Mr. Pickwick withdrew, and returning with his friends, presented them indue form to the editor of the Eatanswill _Gazette_.
'Now, my dear Pott,' said little Mr. Perker, 'the question is, what arewe to do with our friends here?'
'We can stop in this house, I suppose,' said Mr. Pickwick.
'Not a spare bed in the house, my dear sir--not a single bed.'
'Extremely awkward,' said Mr. Pickwick.
'Very,' said his fellow-voyagers.
'I have an idea upon this subject,' said Mr. Pott, 'which I think may bevery successfully adopted. They have two beds at the Peacock, and I canboldly say, on behalf of Mrs. Pott, that she will be delighted toaccommodate Mr. Pickwick and any one of his friends, if the other twogentlemen and their servant do not object to shifting, as they best can,at the Peacock.'
After repeated pressings on the part of Mr. Pott, and repeatedprotestations on that of Mr. Pickwick that he could not think ofincommoding or troubling his amiable wife, it was decided that it wasthe only feasible arrangement that could be made. So it _was _made; andafter dinner together at the Town Arms, the friends separated, Mr.Tupman and Mr. Snodgrass repairing to the Peacock, and Mr. Pickwick andMr. Winkle proceeding to the mansion of Mr. Pott; it having beenpreviously arranged that they should all reassemble at the Town Arms inthe morning, and accompany the Honourable Samuel Slumkey's procession tothe place of nomination.
Mr. Pott's domestic circle was limited to himself and his wife. All menwhom mighty genius has raised to a proud eminence in the world, haveusually some little weakness which appears the more conspicuous from thecontrast it presents to their general character. If Mr. Pott had aweakness, it was, perhaps, that he was rather too submissive to thesomewhat contemptuous control and sway of his wife. We do not feeljustified in laying any particular stress upon the fact, because on thepresent occasion all Mrs. Pott's most winning ways were brought intorequisition to receive the two gentlemen.
'My dear,' said Mr. Pott, 'Mr. Pickwick--Mr. Pickwick of London.'
Mrs. Pott received Mr. Pickwick's paternal grasp of the hand withenchanting sweetness; and Mr. Winkle, who had not been announced at all,sidled and bowed, unnoticed, in an obscure corner.
'P. my dear'--said Mrs. Pott.
'My life,' said Mr. Pott.
'Pray introduce the other gentleman.'
'I beg a thousand pardons,' said Mr. Pott. 'Permit me, Mrs. Pott, Mr.--'
'Winkle,' said Mr. Pickwick.
'Winkle,' echoed Mr. Pott; and the ceremony of introduction wascomplete.
'We owe you many apologies, ma'am,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'for disturbingyour domestic arrangements at so short a notice.'
'I beg you won't mention it, sir,' replied the feminine Pott, withvivacity. 'It is a high treat to me, I assure you, to see any new faces;living as I do, from day to day, and week to week, in this dull place,and seeing nobody.'
'Nobody, my dear!' exclaimed Mr. Pott archly.
'Nobody but you,' retorted Mrs. Pott, with asperity.
'You see, Mr. Pickwick,' said the host in explanation of his wife'slament, 'that we are in some measure cut off from
many enjoyments andpleasures of which we might otherwise partake. My public station, aseditor of the Eatanswill _Gazette_, the position which that paper holdsin the country, my constant immersion in the vortex of politics--'
'P. my dear--' interposed Mrs. Pott.
'My life--' said the editor.
'I wish, my dear, you would endeavour to find some topic of conversationin which these gentlemen might take some rational interest.'
'But, my love,' said Mr. Pott, with great humility, 'Mr. Pickwick doestake an interest in it.'
'It's well for him if he can,' said Mrs. Pott emphatically; 'I amwearied out of my life with your politics, and quarrels with the_Independent_, and nonsense. I am quite astonished, P., at your makingsuch an exhibition of your absurdity.'
'But, my dear--' said Mr. Pott.
'Oh, nonsense, don't talk to me,' said Mrs. Pott. 'Do you play ecarte,Sir?'
'I shall be very happy to learn under your tuition,' replied Mr. Winkle.
'Well, then, draw that little table into this window, and let me get outof hearing of those prosy politics.'
'Jane,' said Mr. Pott, to the servant who brought in candles, 'go downinto the office, and bring me up the file of the _Gazette_ for eighteenhundred and twenty-six. I'll read you,' added the editor, turning to Mr.Pickwick--'I'll just read you a few of the leaders I wrote at that timeupon the Buff job of appointing a new tollman to the turnpike here; Irather think they'll amuse you.'
'I should like to hear them very much indeed,' said Mr. Pickwick.
Up came the file, and down sat the editor, with Mr. Pickwick at hisside.
We have in vain pored over the leaves of Mr. Pickwick's note-book, inthe hope of meeting with a general summary of these beautifulcompositions. We have every reason to believe that he was perfectlyenraptured with the vigour and freshness of the style; indeed Mr. Winklehas recorded the fact that his eyes were closed, as if with excess ofpleasure, during the whole time of their perusal.
The announcement of supper put a stop both to the game of ecarte, andthe recapitulation of the beauties of the Eatanswill _Gazette_. Mrs.Pott was in the highest spirits and the most agreeable humour. Mr.Winkle had already made considerable progress in her good opinion, andshe did not hesitate to inform him, confidentially, that Mr. Pickwickwas 'a delightful old dear.' These terms convey a familiarity ofexpression, in which few of those who were intimately acquainted withthat colossal-minded man, would have presumed to indulge. We havepreserved them, nevertheless, as affording at once a touching and aconvincing proof of the estimation in which he was held by every classof society, and the case with which he made his way to their hearts andfeelings.
It was a late hour of the night--long after Mr. Tupman and Mr. Snodgrasshad fallen asleep in the inmost recesses of the Peacock--when the twofriends retired to rest. Slumber soon fell upon the senses of Mr.Winkle, but his feelings had been excited, and his admiration roused;and for many hours after sleep had rendered him insensible to earthlyobjects, the face and figure of the agreeable Mrs. Pott presentedthemselves again and again to his wandering imagination.
The noise and bustle which ushered in the morning were sufficient todispel from the mind of the most romantic visionary in existence, anyassociations but those which were immediately connected with therapidly-approaching election. The beating of drums, the blowing of hornsand trumpets, the shouting of men, and tramping of horses, echoed andre-echoed through the streets from the earliest dawn of day; and anoccasional fight between the light skirmishers of either party at onceenlivened the preparations, and agreeably diversified their character.
'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, as his valet appeared at his bedroomdoor, just as he was concluding his toilet; 'all alive to-day, Isuppose?'
'Reg'lar game, sir,' replied Mr. Weller; 'our people's a-collecting downat the Town Arms, and they're a-hollering themselves hoarse already.'
'Ah,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'do they seem devoted to their party, Sam?'
'Never see such dewotion in my life, Sir.'
'Energetic, eh?' said Mr. Pickwick.
'Uncommon,' replied Sam; 'I never see men eat and drink so much afore. Iwonder they ain't afeer'd o' bustin'.'
'That's the mistaken kindness of the gentry here,' said Mr. Pickwick.
'Wery likely,' replied Sam briefly.
'Fine, fresh, hearty fellows they seem,' said Mr. Pickwick, glancingfrom the window.
'Wery fresh,' replied Sam; 'me and the two waiters at the Peacock hasbeen a-pumpin' over the independent woters as supped there last night.'
'Pumping over independent voters!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick.
'Yes,' said his attendant, 'every man slept vere he fell down; wedragged 'em out, one by one, this mornin', and put 'em under the pump,and they're in reg'lar fine order now. Shillin' a head the committeepaid for that 'ere job.'
'Can such things be!' exclaimed the astonished Mr. Pickwick.
'Lord bless your heart, sir,' said Sam, 'why where was you halfbaptised?--that's nothin', that ain't.'
'Nothing?'said Mr. Pickwick.
'Nothin' at all, Sir,' replied his attendant. 'The night afore the lastday o' the last election here, the opposite party bribed the barmaid atthe Town Arms, to hocus the brandy-and-water of fourteen unpolledelectors as was a-stoppin' in the house.'
'What do you mean by "hocussing" brandy-and-water?' inquired Mr.Pickwick.
'Puttin' laud'num in it,' replied Sam. 'Blessed if she didn't send 'emall to sleep till twelve hours arter the election was over. They tookone man up to the booth, in a truck, fast asleep, by way of experiment,but it was no go--they wouldn't poll him; so they brought him back, andput him to bed again.'
Strange practices, these,' said Mr. Pickwick; half speaking to himselfand half addressing Sam.
'Not half so strange as a miraculous circumstance as happened to my ownfather, at an election time, in this wery place, Sir,' replied Sam.
'What was that?' inquired Mr. Pickwick.
'Why, he drove a coach down here once,' said Sam; ''lection time cameon, and he was engaged by vun party to bring down woters from London.Night afore he was going to drive up, committee on t' other side sendsfor him quietly, and away he goes vith the messenger, who shows him in;--large room--lots of gen'l'm'n--heaps of papers, pens and ink, and allthat 'ere. "Ah, Mr. Weller," says the gen'l'm'n in the chair, "glad tosee you, sir; how are you?"--"Wery well, thank 'ee, Sir," says myfather; "I hope you're pretty middlin," says he.--"Pretty well,thank'ee, Sir," says the gen'l'm'n; "sit down, Mr. Weller--pray sitdown, sir." So my father sits down, and he and the gen'l'm'n looks weryhard at each other. "You don't remember me?" said the gen'l'm'n.--"Can'tsay I do," says my father.--"Oh, I know you," says the gen'l'm'n:"know'd you when you was a boy," says he.--"Well, I don't remember you,"says my father.--"That's wery odd," says the gen'l'm'n."--"Wery," saysmy father.--"You must have a bad mem'ry, Mr. Weller," says thegen'l'm'n.--"Well, it is a wery bad 'un," says my father.--"I thoughtso," says the gen'l'm'n. So then they pours him out a glass of wine, andgammons him about his driving, and gets him into a reg'lar good humour,and at last shoves a twenty-pound note into his hand. "It's a wery badroad between this and London," says the gen'l'm'n.--"Here and there itis a heavy road," says my father.--" 'Specially near the canal, Ithink," says the gen'l'm'n.--"Nasty bit that 'ere," says my father.--"Well, Mr. Weller," says the gen'l'm'n, "you're a wery good whip, andcan do what you like with your horses, we know. We're all wery fond o'you, Mr. Weller, so in case you should have an accident when you'rebringing these here woters down, and should tip 'em over into the canalvithout hurtin' of 'em, this is for yourself," says he.--"Gen'l'm'n,you're wery kind," says my father, "and I'll drink your health inanother glass of wine," says he; vich he did, and then buttons up themoney, and bows himself out. You wouldn't believe, sir,' continued Sam,with a look of inexpressible impudence at his master, 'that on the weryday as he came down with them woters, his coach _was _upset on that 'erewery spot, and ev'ry man on 'em was turned into the canal.'
'A
nd got out again?' inquired Mr. Pickwick hastily.
'Why,' replied Sam very slowly, 'I rather think one old gen'l'm'n wasmissin'; I know his hat was found, but I ain't quite certain whether hishead was in it or not. But what I look at is the hex-traordinary andwonderful coincidence, that arter what that gen'l'm'n said, my father'scoach should be upset in that wery place, and on that wery day!'
'It is, no doubt, a very extraordinary circumstance indeed,' said Mr.Pickwick. 'But brush my hat, Sam, for I hear Mr. Winkle calling me tobreakfast.'
With these words Mr. Pickwick descended to the parlour, where he foundbreakfast laid, and the family already assembled. The meal was hastilydespatched; each of the gentlemen's hats was decorated with an enormousblue favour, made up by the fair hands of Mrs. Pott herself; and as Mr.Winkle had undertaken to escort that lady to a house-top, in theimmediate vicinity of the hustings, Mr. Pickwick and Mr. Pott repairedalone to the Town Arms, from the back window of which, one of Mr.Slumkey's committee was addressing six small boys and one girl, whom hedignified, at every second sentence, with the imposing title of 'Men ofEatanswill,' whereat the six small boys aforesaid cheered prodigiously.
The stable-yard exhibited unequivocal symptoms of the glory and strengthof the Eatanswill Blues. There was a regular army of blue flags, somewith one handle, and some with two, exhibiting appropriate devices, ingolden characters four feet high, and stout in proportion. There was agrand band of trumpets, bassoons, and drums, marshalled four abreast,and earning their money, if ever men did, especially the drum-beaters,who were very muscular. There were bodies of constables with bluestaves, twenty committee-men with blue scarfs, and a mob of voters withblue cockades. There were electors on horseback and electors afoot.There was an open carriage-and-four, for the Honourable Samuel Slumkey;and there were four carriage-and-pair, for his friends and supporters;and the flags were rustling, and the band was playing, and theconstables were swearing, and the twenty committee-men were squabbling,and the mob were shouting, and the horses were backing, and the post-boys perspiring; and everybody, and everything, then and thereassembled, was for the special use, behoof, honour, and renown, of theHonourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, one of the candidates forthe representation of the borough of Eatanswill, in the Commons House ofParliament of the United Kingdom.
Loud and long were the cheers, and mighty was the rustling of one of theblue flags, with 'Liberty of the Press' inscribed thereon, when thesandy head of Mr. Pott was discerned in one of the windows, by the mobbeneath; and tremendous was the enthusiasm when the Honourable SamuelSlumkey himself, in top-boots, and a blue neckerchief, advanced andseized the hand of the said Pott, and melodramatically testified bygestures to the crowd, his ineffaceable obligations to the Eatanswill_Gazette_.
'Is everything ready?' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey to Mr. Perker.
'Everything, my dear Sir,' was the little man's reply.
'Nothing has been omitted, I hope?' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey.
'Nothing has been left undone, my dear sir--nothing whatever. There aretwenty washed men at the street door for you to shake hands with; andsix children in arms that you're to pat on the head, and inquire the ageof; be particular about the children, my dear sir--it has always a greateffect, that sort of thing.'
'I'll take care,' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey.
'And, perhaps, my dear Sir,' said the cautious little man, 'perhaps ifyou could--I don't mean to say it's indispensable--but if you couldmanage to kiss one of 'em, it would produce a very great impression onthe crowd.'
'Wouldn't it have as good an effect if the proposer or seconder didthat?' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey.
'Why, I am afraid it wouldn't,' replied the agent; 'if it were done byyourself, my dear Sir, I think it would make you very popular.'
'Very well,' said the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, with a resigned air,'then it must be done. That's all.'
'Arrange the procession,' cried the twenty committee-men.
Amidst the cheers of the assembled throng, the band, and the constables,and the committee-men, and the voters, and the horsemen, and thecarriages, took their places--each of the two-horse vehicles beingclosely packed with as many gentlemen as could manage to stand uprightin it; and that assigned to Mr. Perker, containing Mr. Pickwick, Mr.Tupman, Mr. Snodgrass, and about half a dozen of the committee besides.
There was a moment of awful suspense as the procession waited for theHonourable Samuel Slumkey to step into his carriage. Suddenly the crowdset up a great cheering.
'He has come out,' said little Mr. Perker, greatly excited; the more soas their position did not enable them to see what was going forward.
Another cheer, much louder.
'He has shaken hands with the men,' cried the little agent.
Another cheer, far more vehement.
'He has patted the babies on the head,' said Mr. Perker, trembling withanxiety.
A roar of applause that rent the air.
'He has kissed one of 'em!' exclaimed the delighted little man.
A second roar.
'He has kissed another,' gasped the excited manager.
A third roar.
'He's kissing 'em all!' screamed the enthusiastic little gentleman, andhailed by the deafening shouts of the multitude, the procession movedon.
How or by what means it became mixed up with the other procession, andhow it was ever extricated from the confusion consequent thereupon, ismore than we can undertake to describe, inasmuch as Mr. Pickwick's hatwas knocked over his eyes, nose, and mouth, by one poke of a Buff flag-staff, very early in the proceedings. He describes himself as beingsurrounded on every side, when he could catch a glimpse of the scene, byangry and ferocious countenances, by a vast cloud of dust, and by adense crowd of combatants. He represents himself as being forced fromthe carriage by some unseen power, and being personally engaged in apugilistic encounter; but with whom, or how, or why, he is wholly unableto state. He then felt himself forced up some wooden steps by thepersons from behind; and on removing his hat, found himself surroundedby his friends, in the very front of the left hand side of the hustings.The right was reserved for the Buff party, and the centre for the mayorand his officers; one of whom--the fat crier of Eatanswill--was ringingan enormous bell, by way of commanding silence, while Mr. HoratioFizkin, and the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, with their hands upon theirhearts, were bowing with the utmost affability to the troubled sea ofheads that inundated the open space in front; and from whence arose astorm of groans, and shouts, and yells, and hootings, that would havedone honour to an earthquake.
'There's Winkle,' said Mr. Tupman, pulling his friend by the sleeve.
'Where!' said Mr. Pickwick, putting on his spectacles, which he hadfortunately kept in his pocket hitherto.
'There,' said Mr. Tupman, 'on the top of that house.' And there, sureenough, in the leaden gutter of a tiled roof, were Mr. Winkle and Mrs.Pott, comfortably seated in a couple of chairs, waving theirhandkerchiefs in token of recognition--a compliment which Mr. Pickwickreturned by kissing his hand to the lady.
The proceedings had not yet commenced; and as an inactive crowd isgenerally disposed to be jocose, this very innocent action wassufficient to awaken their facetiousness.
'Oh, you wicked old rascal,' cried one voice, 'looking arter the girls,are you?'
'Oh, you wenerable sinner,' cried another.
'Putting on his spectacles to look at a married 'ooman!' said a third.
'I see him a-winkin' at her, with his wicked old eye,' shouted a fourth.
'Look arter your wife, Pott,' bellowed a fifth--and then there was aroar of laughter.
As these taunts were accompanied with invidious comparisons between Mr.Pickwick and an aged ram, and several witticisms of the like nature; andas they moreover rather tended to convey reflections upon the honour ofan innocent lady, Mr. Pickwick's indignation was excessive; but assilence was proclaimed at the moment, he contented himself by scorchingthe mob with a look of pity for th
eir misguided minds, at which theylaughed more boisterously than ever.
'Silence!' roared the mayor's attendants.
'Whiffin, proclaim silence,' said the mayor, with an air of pompbefitting his lofty station. In obedience to this command the crierperformed another concerto on the bell, whereupon a gentleman in thecrowd called out 'Muffins'; which occasioned another laugh.
'Gentlemen,' said the mayor, at as loud a pitch as he could possiblyforce his voice to--'gentlemen. Brother electors of the borough ofEatanswill. We are met here to-day for the purpose of choosing arepresentative in the room of our late--'
Here the mayor was interrupted by a voice in the crowd.
'Suc-cess to the mayor!' cried the voice, 'and may he never desert thenail and sarspan business, as he got his money by.'
This allusion to the professional pursuits of the orator was receivedwith a storm of delight, which, with a bell-accompaniment, rendered theremainder of his speech inaudible, with the exception of the concludingsentence, in which he thanked the meeting for the patient attention withwhich they heard him throughout--an expression of gratitude whichelicited another burst of mirth, of about a quarter of an hour'sduration.
Next, a tall, thin gentleman, in a very stiff white neckerchief, afterbeing repeatedly desired by the crowd to 'send a boy home, to askwhether he hadn't left his voice under the pillow,' begged to nominate afit and proper person to represent them in Parliament. And when he saidit was Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill, theFizkinites applauded, and the Slumkeyites groaned, so long, and soloudly, that both he and the seconder might have sung comic songs inlieu of speaking, without anybody's being a bit the wiser.
The friends of Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, having had their innings, alittle choleric, pink-faced man stood forward to propose another fit andproper person to represent the electors of Eatanswill in Parliament; andvery swimmingly the pink-faced gentleman would have got on, if he hadnot been rather too choleric to entertain a sufficient perception of thefun of the crowd. But after a very few sentences of figurativeeloquence, the pink-faced gentleman got from denouncing those whointerrupted him in the mob, to exchanging defiances with the gentlemenon the hustings; whereupon arose an uproar which reduced him to thenecessity of expressing his feelings by serious pantomime, which he did,and then left the stage to his seconder, who delivered a written speechof half an hour's length, and wouldn't be stopped, because he had sentit all to the Eatanswill _Gazette_, and the Eatanswill _Gazette_ hadalready printed it, every word.
Then Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, near Eatanswill,presented himself for the purpose of addressing the electors; which heno sooner did, than the band employed by the Honourable Samuel Slumkey,commenced performing with a power to which their strength in the morningwas a trifle; in return for which, the Buff crowd belaboured the headsand shoulders of the Blue crowd; on which the Blue crowd endeavoured todispossess themselves of their very unpleasant neighbours the Buffcrowd; and a scene of struggling, and pushing, and fighting, succeeded,to which we can no more do justice than the mayor could, although heissued imperative orders to twelve constables to seize the ringleaders,who might amount in number to two hundred and fifty, or thereabouts. Atall these encounters, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, and hisfriends, waxed fierce and furious; until at last Horatio Fizkin,Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, begged to ask his opponent, the HonourableSamuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall, whether that band played by hisconsent; which question the Honourable Samuel Slumkey declining toanswer, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, shook his fist in thecountenance of the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall; uponwhich the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, his blood being up, defied HoratioFizkin, Esquire, to mortal combat. At this violation of all known rulesand precedents of order, the mayor commanded another fantasia on thebell, and declared that he would bring before himself, both HoratioFizkin, Esquire, of Fizkin Lodge, and the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, ofSlumkey Hall, and bind them over to keep the peace. Upon this terrificdenunciation, the supporters of the two candidates interfered, and afterthe friends of each party had quarrelled in pairs, for three-quarters ofan hour, Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, touched his hat to the HonourableSamuel Slumkey; the Honourable Samuel Slumkey touched his to HoratioFizkin, Esquire; the band was stopped; the crowd were partially quieted;and Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, was permitted to proceed.
The speeches of the two candidates, though differing in every otherrespect, afforded a beautiful tribute to the merit and high worth of theelectors of Eatanswill. Both expressed their opinion that a moreindependent, a more enlightened, a more public-spirited, a more noble-minded, a more disinterested set of men than those who had promised tovote for him, never existed on earth; each darkly hinted his suspicionsthat the electors in the opposite interest had certain swinish andbesotted infirmities which rendered them unfit for the exercise of theimportant duties they were called upon to discharge. Fizkin expressedhis readiness to do anything he was wanted: Slumkey, his determinationto do nothing that was asked of him. Both said that the trade, themanufactures, the commerce, the prosperity of Eatanswill, would ever bedearer to their hearts than any earthly object; and each had it in hispower to state, with the utmost confidence, that he was the man whowould eventually be returned.
There was a show of hands; the mayor decided in favour of the HonourableSamuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall. Horatio Fizkin, Esquire, of FizkinLodge, demanded a poll, and a poll was fixed accordingly. Then a vote ofthanks was moved to the mayor for his able conduct in the chair; and themayor, devoutly wishing that he had had a chair to display his ableconduct in (for he had been standing during the whole proceedings),returned thanks. The processions reformed, the carriages rolled slowlythrough the crowd, and its members screeched and shouted after them astheir feelings or caprice dictated.
During the whole time of the polling, the town was in a perpetual feverof excitement. Everything was conducted on the most liberal anddelightful scale. Excisable articles were remarkably cheap at all thepublic-houses; and spring vans paraded the streets for the accommodationof voters who were seized with any temporary dizziness in the head--anepidemic which prevailed among the electors, during the contest, to amost alarming extent, and under the influence of which they mightfrequently be seen lying on the pavements in a state of utterinsensibility. A small body of electors remained unpolled on the verylast day. They were calculating and reflecting persons, who had not yetbeen convinced by the arguments of either party, although they hadfrequent conferences with each. One hour before the close of the poll,Mr. Perker solicited the honour of a private interview with theseintelligent, these noble, these patriotic men. It was granted. Hisarguments were brief but satisfactory. They went in a body to the poll;and when they returned, the Honourable Samuel Slumkey, of Slumkey Hall,was returned also.