CHAPTER XL. INTRODUCES MR. PICKWICK TO A NEW AND NOT UNINTERESTING SCENEIN THE GREAT DRAMA OF LIFE
The remainder of the period which Mr. Pickwick had assigned as theduration of the stay at Bath passed over without the occurrence ofanything material. Trinity term commenced. On the expiration of itsfirst week, Mr. Pickwick and his friends returned to London; and theformer gentleman, attended of course by Sam, straightway repaired to hisold quarters at the George and Vulture.
On the third morning after their arrival, just as all the clocks in thecity were striking nine individually, and somewhere about nine hundredand ninety-nine collectively, Sam was taking the air in George Yard,when a queer sort of fresh-painted vehicle drove up, out of which therejumped with great agility, throwing the reins to a stout man who satbeside him, a queer sort of gentleman, who seemed made for the vehicle,and the vehicle for him.
The vehicle was not exactly a gig, neither was it a stanhope. It was notwhat is currently denominated a dog-cart, neither was it a taxed cart,nor a chaise-cart, nor a guillotined cabriolet; and yet it had somethingof the character of each and every of these machines. It was painted abright yellow, with the shafts and wheels picked out in black; and thedriver sat in the orthodox sporting style, on cushions piled about twofeet above the rail. The horse was a bay, a well-looking animal enough;but with something of a flash and dog-fighting air about him,nevertheless, which accorded both with the vehicle and his master.
The master himself was a man of about forty, with black hair, andcarefully combed whiskers. He was dressed in a particularly gorgeousmanner, with plenty of articles of jewellery about him--all about threesizes larger than those which are usually worn by gentlemen--and a roughgreatcoat to crown the whole. Into one pocket of this greatcoat, hethrust his left hand the moment he dismounted, while from the other hedrew forth, with his right, a very bright and glaring silk handkerchief,with which he whisked a speck or two of dust from his boots, and then,crumpling it in his hand, swaggered up the court.
It had not escaped Sam's attention that, when this person dismounted, ashabby-looking man in a brown greatcoat shorn of divers buttons, who hadbeen previously slinking about, on the opposite side of the way, crossedover, and remained stationary close by. Having something more than asuspicion of the object of the gentleman's visit, Sam preceded him tothe George and Vulture, and, turning sharp round, planted himself in thecentre of the doorway.
'Now, my fine fellow!' said the man in the rough coat, in an imperioustone, attempting at the same time to push his way past.
'Now, Sir, wot's the matter?' replied Sam, returning the push withcompound interest.
'Come, none of this, my man; this won't do with me,' said the owner ofthe rough coat, raising his voice, and turning white. 'Here, Smouch!'
'Well, wot's amiss here?' growled the man in the brown coat, who hadbeen gradually sneaking up the court during this short dialogue.
'Only some insolence of this young man's,' said the principal, givingSam another push.
'Come, none o' this gammon,' growled Smouch, giving him another, and aharder one.
This last push had the effect which it was intended by the experiencedMr. Smouch to produce; for while Sam, anxious to return the compliment,was grinding that gentleman's body against the door-post, the principalcrept past, and made his way to the bar, whither Sam, after bandying afew epithetical remarks with Mr. Smouch, followed at once.
'Good-morning, my dear,' said the principal, addressing the young ladyat the bar, with Botany Bay ease, and New South Wales gentility; 'whichis Mr. Pickwick's room, my dear?'
'Show him up,' said the barmaid to a waiter, without deigning anotherlook at the exquisite, in reply to his inquiry.
The waiter led the way upstairs as he was desired, and the man in therough coat followed, with Sam behind him, who, in his progress up thestaircase, indulged in sundry gestures indicative of supreme contemptand defiance, to the unspeakable gratification of the servants and otherlookers-on. Mr. Smouch, who was troubled with a hoarse cough, remainedbelow, and expectorated in the passage.
Mr. Pickwick was fast asleep in bed, when his early visitor, followed bySam, entered the room. The noise they made, in so doing, awoke him.
'Shaving-water, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, from within the curtains.
'Shave you directly, Mr. Pickwick,' said the visitor, drawing one ofthem back from the bed's head. 'I've got an execution against you, atthe suit of Bardell.--Here's the warrant.--Common Pleas.--Here's mycard. I suppose you'll come over to my house.' Giving Mr. Pickwick afriendly tap on the shoulder, the sheriff's officer (for such he was)threw his card on the counterpane, and pulled a gold toothpick from hiswaistcoat pocket.
'Namby's the name,' said the sheriff's deputy, as Mr. Pickwick took hisspectacles from under the pillow, and put them on, to read the card.'Namby, Bell Alley, Coleman Street.'
At this point, Sam Weller, who had had his eyes fixed hitherto on Mr.Namby's shining beaver, interfered.
'Are you a Quaker?' said Sam.
'I'll let you know I am, before I've done with you,' replied theindignant officer. 'I'll teach you manners, my fine fellow, one of thesefine mornings.'
'Thank'ee,' said Sam. 'I'll do the same to you. Take your hat off.' Withthis, Mr. Weller, in the most dexterous manner, knocked Mr. Namby's hatto the other side of the room, with such violence, that he had verynearly caused him to swallow the gold toothpick into the bargain.
'Observe this, Mr. Pickwick,' said the disconcerted officer, gasping forbreath. 'I've been assaulted in the execution of my dooty by yourservant in your chamber. I'm in bodily fear. I call you to witnessthis.'
'Don't witness nothin', Sir,' interposed Sam. 'Shut your eyes up tight,Sir. I'd pitch him out o' winder, only he couldn't fall far enough,'cause o' the leads outside.'
'Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, in an angry voice, as his attendant madevarious demonstrations of hostilities, 'if you say another word, oroffer the slightest interference with this person, I discharge you thatinstant.'
'But, Sir!' said Sam.
'Hold your tongue,' interposed Mr. Pickwick. 'Take that hat up again.'
But this Sam flatly and positively refused to do; and, after he had beenseverely reprimanded by his master, the officer, being in a hurry,condescended to pick it up himself, venting a great variety of threatsagainst Sam meanwhile, which that gentleman received with perfectcomposure, merely observing that if Mr. Namby would have the goodness toput his hat on again, he would knock it into the latter end of nextweek. Mr. Namby, perhaps thinking that such a process might beproductive of inconvenience to himself, declined to offer thetemptation, and, soon after, called up Smouch. Having informed him thatthe capture was made, and that he was to wait for the prisoner until heshould have finished dressing, Namby then swaggered out, and drove away.Smouch, requesting Mr. Pickwick in a surly manner 'to be as alive as hecould, for it was a busy time,' drew up a chair by the door and satthere, until he had finished dressing. Sam was then despatched for ahackney-coach, and in it the triumvirate proceeded to Coleman Street. Itwas fortunate the distance was short; for Mr. Smouch, besides possessingno very enchanting conversational powers, was rendered a decidedlyunpleasant companion in a limited space, by the physical weakness towhich we have elsewhere adverted.
The coach having turned into a very narrow and dark street, stoppedbefore a house with iron bars to all the windows; the door-posts ofwhich were graced by the name and title of 'Namby, Officer to theSheriffs of London'; the inner gate having been opened by a gentlemanwho might have passed for a neglected twin-brother of Mr. Smouch, andwho was endowed with a large key for the purpose, Mr. Pickwick was showninto the 'coffee-room.'
This coffee-room was a front parlour, the principal features of whichwere fresh sand and stale tobacco smoke. Mr. Pickwick bowed to the threepersons who were seated in it when he entered; and having despatched Samfor Perker, withdrew into an obscure corner, and looked thence with somecuriosity upon his new companions.
One of these was a
mere boy of nineteen or twenty, who, though it wasyet barely ten o'clock, was drinking gin-and-water, and smoking a cigar--amusements to which, judging from his inflamed countenance, he haddevoted himself pretty constantly for the last year or two of his life.Opposite him, engaged in stirring the fire with the toe of his rightboot, was a coarse, vulgar young man of about thirty, with a sallow faceand harsh voice; evidently possessed of that knowledge of the world, andcaptivating freedom of manner, which is to be acquired in public-houseparlours, and at low billiard tables. The third tenant of the apartmentwas a middle-aged man in a very old suit of black, who looked pale andhaggard, and paced up and down the room incessantly; stopping, now andthen, to look with great anxiety out of the window as if he expectedsomebody, and then resuming his walk.
'You'd better have the loan of my razor this morning, Mr. Ayresleigh,'said the man who was stirring the fire, tipping the wink to his friendthe boy.
'Thank you, no, I shan't want it; I expect I shall be out, in the courseof an hour or so,' replied the other in a hurried manner. Then, walkingagain up to the window, and once more returning disappointed, he sigheddeeply, and left the room; upon which the other two burst into a loudlaugh.
'Well, I never saw such a game as that,' said the gentleman who hadoffered the razor, whose name appeared to be Price. 'Never!' Mr. Priceconfirmed the assertion with an oath, and then laughed again, when ofcourse the boy (who thought his companion one of the most dashingfellows alive) laughed also.
'You'd hardly think, would you now,' said Price, turning towards Mr.Pickwick, 'that that chap's been here a week yesterday, and never onceshaved himself yet, because he feels so certain he's going out in halfan hour's time, thinks he may as well put it off till he gets home?'
'Poor man!' said Mr. Pickwick. 'Are his chances of getting out of hisdifficulties really so great?'
'Chances be d----d,' replied Price; 'he hasn't half the ghost of one. Iwouldn't give _that _for his chance of walking about the streets thistime ten years.' With this, Mr. Price snapped his fingerscontemptuously, and rang the bell.
'Give me a sheet of paper, Crookey,' said Mr. Price to the attendant,who in dress and general appearance looked something between a bankruptglazier, and a drover in a state of insolvency; 'and a glass of brandy-and-water, Crookey, d'ye hear? I'm going to write to my father, and Imust have a stimulant, or I shan't be able to pitch it strong enoughinto the old boy.' At this facetious speech, the young boy, it is almostneedless to say, was fairly convulsed.
'That's right,' said Mr. Price. 'Never say die. All fun, ain't it?'
'Prime!' said the young gentleman.
'You've got some spirit about you, you have,' said Price. 'You've seensomething of life.'
'I rather think I have!' replied the boy. He had looked at it throughthe dirty panes of glass in a bar door.
Mr. Pickwick, feeling not a little disgusted with this dialogue, as wellas with the air and manner of the two beings by whom it had been carriedon, was about to inquire whether he could not be accommodated with aprivate sitting-room, when two or three strangers of genteel appearanceentered, at sight of whom the boy threw his cigar into the fire, andwhispering to Mr. Price that they had come to 'make it all right' forhim, joined them at a table in the farther end of the room.
It would appear, however, that matters were not going to be made allright quite so speedily as the young gentleman anticipated; for a verylong conversation ensued, of which Mr. Pickwick could not avoid hearingcertain angry fragments regarding dissolute conduct, and repeatedforgiveness. At last, there were very distinct allusions made by theoldest gentleman of the party to one Whitecross Street, at which theyoung gentleman, notwithstanding his primeness and his spirit, and hisknowledge of life into the bargain, reclined his head upon the table,and howled dismally.
Very much satisfied with this sudden bringing down of the youth'svalour, and this effectual lowering of his tone, Mr. Pickwick rang thebell, and was shown, at his own request, into a private room furnishedwith a carpet, table, chairs, sideboard and sofa, and ornamented with alooking-glass, and various old prints. Here he had the advantage ofhearing Mrs. Namby's performance on a square piano overhead, while thebreakfast was getting ready; when it came, Mr. Perker came too.
'Aha, my dear sir,' said the little man, 'nailed at last, eh? Come,come, I'm not sorry for it either, because now you'll see the absurdityof this conduct. I've noted down the amount of the taxed costs anddamages for which the ca-sa was issued, and we had better settle at onceand lose no time. Namby is come home by this time, I dare say. What sayyou, my dear sir? Shall I draw a cheque, or will you?' The little manrubbed his hands with affected cheerfulness as he said this, butglancing at Mr. Pickwick's countenance, could not forbear at the sametime casting a desponding look towards Sam Weller.
'Perker,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'let me hear no more of this, I beg. I seeno advantage in staying here, so I shall go to prison to-night.'
'You can't go to Whitecross Street, my dear Sir,' said Perker.'Impossible! There are sixty beds in a ward; and the bolt's on, sixteenhours out of the four-and-twenty.'
'I would rather go to some other place of confinement if I can,' saidMr. Pickwick. 'If not, I must make the best I can of that.'
'You can go to the Fleet, my dear Sir, if you're determined to gosomewhere,' said Perker.
'That'll do,' said Mr. Pickwick. 'I'll go there directly I have finishedmy breakfast.'
'Stop, stop, my dear Sir; not the least occasion for being in such aviolent hurry to get into a place that most other men are as eager toget out of,' said the good-natured little attorney. 'We must have ahabeas-corpus. There'll be no judge at chambers till four o'clock thisafternoon. You must wait till then.'
'Very good,' said Mr. Pickwick, with unmoved patience. 'Then we willhave a chop here, at two. See about it, Sam, and tell them to bepunctual.'
Mr. Pickwick remaining firm, despite all the remonstrances and argumentsof Perker, the chops appeared and disappeared in due course; he was thenput into another hackney coach, and carried off to Chancery Lane, afterwaiting half an hour or so for Mr. Namby, who had a select dinner-partyand could on no account be disturbed before.
There were two judges in attendance at Serjeant's Inn--one King's Bench,and one Common Pleas--and a great deal of business appeared to betransacting before them, if the number of lawyer's clerks who werehurrying in and out with bundles of papers, afforded any test. When theyreached the low archway which forms the entrance to the inn, Perker wasdetained a few moments parlaying with the coachman about the fare andthe change; and Mr. Pickwick, stepping to one side to be out of the wayof the stream of people that were pouring in and out, looked about himwith some curiosity.
The people that attracted his attention most, were three or four men ofshabby-genteel appearance, who touched their hats to many of theattorneys who passed, and seemed to have some business there, the natureof which Mr. Pickwick could not divine. They were curious-lookingfellows. One was a slim and rather lame man in rusty black, and a whiteneckerchief; another was a stout, burly person, dressed in the sameapparel, with a great reddish-black cloth round his neck; a third was alittle weazen, drunken-looking body, with a pimply face. They wereloitering about, with their hands behind them, and now and then with ananxious countenance whispered something in the ear of some of thegentlemen with papers, as they hurried by. Mr. Pickwick remembered tohave very often observed them lounging under the archway when he hadbeen walking past; and his curiosity was quite excited to know to whatbranch of the profession these dingy-looking loungers could possiblybelong.
He was about to propound the question to Namby, who kept close besidehim, sucking a large gold ring on his little finger, when Perker bustledup, and observing that there was no time to lose, led the way into theinn. As Mr. Pickwick followed, the lame man stepped up to him, andcivilly touching his hat, held out a written card, which Mr. Pickwick,not wishing to hurt the man's feelings by refusing, courteously acceptedand deposited in his waistcoat pocket.
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sp; 'Now,' said Perker, turning round before he entered one of the offices,to see that his companions were close behind him. 'In here, my dear sir.Hallo, what do you want?'
This last question was addressed to the lame man, who, unobserved by Mr.Pickwick, made one of the party. In reply to it, the lame man touchedhis hat again, with all imaginable politeness, and motioned towards Mr.Pickwick.
'No, no,' said Perker, with a smile. 'We don't want you, my dear friend,we don't want you.'
'I beg your pardon, sir,' said the lame man. 'The gentleman took mycard. I hope you will employ me, sir. The gentleman nodded to me. I'llbe judged by the gentleman himself. You nodded to me, sir?'
'Pooh, pooh, nonsense. You didn't nod to anybody, Pickwick? A mistake, amistake,' said Perker.
'The gentleman handed me his card,' replied Mr. Pickwick, producing itfrom his waistcoat pocket. 'I accepted it, as the gentleman seemed towish it--in fact I had some curiosity to look at it when I should be atleisure. I--'
The little attorney burst into a loud laugh, and returning the card tothe lame man, informing him it was all a mistake, whispered to Mr.Pickwick as the man turned away in dudgeon, that he was only a bail.
'A what!' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick.
'A bail,' replied Perker.
'A bail!'
Yes, my dear sir--half a dozen of 'em here. Bail you to any amount, andonly charge half a crown. Curious trade, isn't it?' said Perker,regaling himself with a pinch of snuff.
'What! Am I to understand that these men earn a livelihood by waitingabout here, to perjure themselves before the judges of the land, at therate of half a crown a crime?' exclaimed Mr. Pickwick, quite aghast atthe disclosure.
'Why, I don't exactly know about perjury, my dear sir,' replied thelittle gentleman. 'Harsh word, my dear sir, very harsh word indeed. It'sa legal fiction, my dear sir, nothing more.' Saying which, the attorneyshrugged his shoulders, smiled, took a second pinch of snuff, and ledthe way into the office of the judge's clerk.
This was a room of specially dirty appearance, with a very low ceilingand old panelled walls; and so badly lighted, that although it was broadday outside, great tallow candles were burning on the desks. At one end,was a door leading to the judge's private apartment, round which werecongregated a crowd of attorneys and managing clerks, who were calledin, in the order in which their respective appointments stood upon thefile. Every time this door was opened to let a party out, the next partymade a violent rush to get in; and, as in addition to the numerousdialogues which passed between the gentlemen who were waiting to see thejudge, a variety of personal squabbles ensued between the greater partof those who had seen him, there was as much noise as could well beraised in an apartment of such confined dimensions.
Nor were the conversations of these gentlemen the only sounds that brokeupon the ear. Standing on a box behind a wooden bar at another end ofthe room was a clerk in spectacles who was 'taking the affidavits';large batches of which were, from time to time, carried into the privateroom by another clerk for the judge's signature. There were a largenumber of attorneys' clerks to be sworn, and it being a moralimpossibility to swear them all at once, the struggles of thesegentlemen to reach the clerk in spectacles, were like those of a crowdto get in at the pit door of a theatre when Gracious Majesty honours itwith its presence. Another functionary, from time to time, exercised hislungs in calling over the names of those who had been sworn, for thepurpose of restoring to them their affidavits after they had been signedby the judge, which gave rise to a few more scuffles; and all thesethings going on at the same time, occasioned as much bustle as the mostactive and excitable person could desire to behold. There were yetanother class of persons--those who were waiting to attend summonsestheir employers had taken out, which it was optional to the attorney onthe opposite side to attend or not--and whose business it was, from timeto time, to cry out the opposite attorney's name; to make certain thathe was not in attendance without their knowledge.
For example. Leaning against the wall, close beside the seat Mr.Pickwick had taken, was an office-lad of fourteen, with a tenor voice;near him a common-law clerk with a bass one.
A clerk hurried in with a bundle of papers, and stared about him.
'Sniggle and Blink,' cried the tenor.
'Porkin and Snob,' growled the bass.
'Stumpy and Deacon,' said the new-comer.
Nobody answered; the next man who came in, was bailed by the wholethree; and he in his turn shouted for another firm; and then somebodyelse roared in a loud voice for another; and so forth.
All this time, the man in the spectacles was hard at work, swearing theclerks; the oath being invariably administered, without any effort atpunctuation, and usually in the following terms:--
'Take the book in your right hand this is your name and hand-writing youswear that the contents of this your affidavit are true so help you Goda shilling you must get change I haven't got it.'
'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'I suppose they are getting the _Habeas-corpus_ ready?'
'Yes,' said Sam, 'and I vish they'd bring out the have-his-carcase. It'swery unpleasant keepin' us vaitin' here. I'd ha' got half a dozen have-his-carcases ready, pack'd up and all, by this time.'
What sort of cumbrous and unmanageable machine, Sam Weller imagined ahabeas-corpus to be, does not appear; for Perker, at that moment, walkedup and took Mr. Pickwick away.
The usual forms having been gone through, the body of Samuel Pickwickwas soon afterwards confided to the custody of the tipstaff, to be byhim taken to the warden of the Fleet Prison, and there detained untilthe amount of the damages and costs in the action of Bardell againstPickwick was fully paid and satisfied.
'And that,' said Mr. Pickwick, laughing, 'will be a very long time. Sam,call another hackney-coach. Perker, my dear friend, good-bye.'
'I shall go with you, and see you safe there,' said Perker.
'Indeed,' replied Mr. Pickwick, 'I would rather go without any otherattendant than Sam. As soon as I get settled, I will write and let youknow, and I shall expect you immediately. Until then, good-bye.'
As Mr. Pickwick said this, he got into the coach which had by this timearrived, followed by the tipstaff. Sam having stationed himself on thebox, it rolled away.
'A most extraordinary man that!' said Perker, as he stopped to pull onhis gloves.
'What a bankrupt he'd make, Sir,' observed Mr. Lowten, who was standingnear. 'How he would bother the commissioners! He'd set 'em at defianceif they talked of committing him, Sir.'
The attorney did not appear very much delighted with his clerk'sprofessional estimate of Mr. Pickwick's character, for he walked awaywithout deigning any reply.
The hackney-coach jolted along Fleet Street, as hackney-coaches usuallydo. The horses 'went better', the driver said, when they had anythingbefore them (they must have gone at a most extraordinary pace when therewas nothing), and so the vehicle kept behind a cart; when the cartstopped, it stopped; and when the cart went on again, it did the same.Mr. Pickwick sat opposite the tipstaff; and the tipstaff sat with hishat between his knees, whistling a tune, and looking out of the coachwindow.
Time performs wonders. By the powerful old gentleman's aid, even ahackney-coach gets over half a mile of ground. They stopped at length,and Mr. Pickwick alighted at the gate of the Fleet.
The tipstaff, just looking over his shoulder to see that his charge wasfollowing close at his heels, preceded Mr. Pickwick into the prison;turning to the left, after they had entered, they passed through an opendoor into a lobby, from which a heavy gate, opposite to that by whichthey had entered, and which was guarded by a stout turnkey with the keyin his hand, led at once into the interior of the prison.
Here they stopped, while the tipstaff delivered his papers; and here Mr.Pickwick was apprised that he would remain, until he had undergone theceremony, known to the initiated as 'sitting for your portrait.'
'Sitting for my portrait?' said Mr. Pickwick.
'Having your likeness taken, sir,' replie
d the stout turnkey.
'We're capital hands at likenesses here. Take 'em in no time, and alwaysexact. Walk in, sir, and make yourself at home.'
Mr. Pickwick complied with the invitation, and sat himself down; whenMr. Weller, who stationed himself at the back of the chair, whisperedthat the sitting was merely another term for undergoing an inspection bythe different turnkeys, in order that they might know prisoners fromvisitors.
'Well, Sam,' said Mr. Pickwick, 'then I wish the artists would come.This is rather a public place.'
'They von't be long, Sir, I des-say,' replied Sam. 'There's a Dutchclock, sir.'
'So I see,' observed Mr. Pickwick.
'And a bird-cage, sir,' says Sam. 'Veels vithin veels, a prison in aprison. Ain't it, Sir?'
As Mr. Weller made this philosophical remark, Mr. Pickwick was awarethat his sitting had commenced. The stout turnkey having been relievedfrom the lock, sat down, and looked at him carelessly, from time totime, while a long thin man who had relieved him, thrust his handsbeneath his coat tails, and planting himself opposite, took a good longview of him. A third rather surly-looking gentleman, who had apparentlybeen disturbed at his tea, for he was disposing of the last remnant of acrust and butter when he came in, stationed himself close to Mr.Pickwick; and, resting his hands on his hips, inspected him narrowly;while two others mixed with the group, and studied his features withmost intent and thoughtful faces. Mr. Pickwick winced a good deal underthe operation, and appeared to sit very uneasily in his chair; but hemade no remark to anybody while it was being performed, not even to Sam,who reclined upon the back of the chair, reflecting, partly on thesituation of his master, and partly on the great satisfaction it wouldhave afforded him to make a fierce assault upon all the turnkeys thereassembled, one after the other, if it were lawful and peaceable so todo.
At length the likeness was completed, and Mr. Pickwick was informed thathe might now proceed into the prison.
'Where am I to sleep to-night?' inquired Mr. Pickwick.
'Why, I don't rightly know about to-night,' replied the stout turnkey.'You'll be chummed on somebody to-morrow, and then you'll be all snugand comfortable. The first night's generally rather unsettled, butyou'll be set all squares to-morrow.'
After some discussion, it was discovered that one of the turnkeys had abed to let, which Mr. Pickwick could have for that night. He gladlyagreed to hire it.
'If you'll come with me, I'll show it you at once,' said the man. 'Itain't a large 'un; but it's an out-and-outer to sleep in. This way,sir.'
They passed through the inner gate, and descended a short flight ofsteps. The key was turned after them; and Mr. Pickwick found himself,for the first time in his life, within the walls of a debtors' prison.