CHAPTER XLVI. RECORDS A TOUCHING ACT OF DELICATE FEELING, NOT UNMIXEDWITH PLEASANTRY, ACHIEVED AND PERFORMED BY Messrs. DODSON AND FOGG
It was within a week of the close of the month of July, that a hackneycabriolet, number unrecorded, was seen to proceed at a rapid pace upGoswell Street; three people were squeezed into it besides the driver,who sat in his own particular little dickey at the side; over the apronwere hung two shawls, belonging to two small vixenish-looking ladiesunder the apron; between whom, compressed into a very small compass, wasstowed away, a gentleman of heavy and subdued demeanour, who, wheneverhe ventured to make an observation, was snapped up short by one of thevixenish ladies before-mentioned. Lastly, the two vixenish ladies andthe heavy gentleman were giving the driver contradictory directions, alltending to the one point, that he should stop at Mrs. Bardell's door;which the heavy gentleman, in direct opposition to, and defiance of, thevixenish ladies, contended was a green door and not a yellow one.
'Stop at the house with a green door, driver,' said the heavy gentleman.
'Oh! You perwerse creetur!' exclaimed one of the vixenish ladies. 'Driveto the 'ouse with the yellow door, cabmin.'
Upon this the cabman, who in a sudden effort to pull up at the housewith the green door, had pulled the horse up so high that he nearlypulled him backward into the cabriolet, let the animal's fore-legs downto the ground again, and paused.
'Now vere am I to pull up?' inquired the driver. 'Settle it amongyourselves. All I ask is, vere?'
Here the contest was renewed with increased violence; and the horsebeing troubled with a fly on his nose, the cabman humanely employed hisleisure in lashing him about on the head, on the counter-irritationprinciple.
'Most wotes carries the day!' said one of the vixenish ladies at length.'The 'ouse with the yellow door, cabman.'
But after the cabriolet had dashed up, in splendid style, to the housewith the yellow door, 'making,' as one of the vixenish ladiestriumphantly said, 'acterrally more noise than if one had come in one'sown carriage,' and after the driver had dismounted to assist the ladiesin getting out, the small round head of Master Thomas Bardell was thrustout of the one-pair window of a house with a red door, a few numbersoff.
'Aggrawatin' thing!' said the vixenish lady last-mentioned, darting awithering glance at the heavy gentleman.
'My dear, it's not my fault,' said the gentleman.
'Don't talk to me, you creetur, don't,' retorted the lady. 'The housewith the red door, cabmin. Oh! If ever a woman was troubled with aruffinly creetur, that takes a pride and a pleasure in disgracing hiswife on every possible occasion afore strangers, I am that woman!'
'You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Raddle,' said the other littlewoman, who was no other than Mrs. Cluppins.
'What have I been a-doing of?' asked Mr. Raddle.
'Don't talk to me, don't, you brute, for fear I should be perwoked toforgit my sect and strike you!' said Mrs. Raddle.
While this dialogue was going on, the driver was most ignominiouslyleading the horse, by the bridle, up to the house with the red door,which Master Bardell had already opened. Here was a mean and low way ofarriving at a friend's house! No dashing up, with all the fire and furyof the animal; no jumping down of the driver; no loud knocking at thedoor; no opening of the apron with a crash at the very last moment, forfear of the ladies sitting in a draught; and then the man handing theshawls out, afterwards, as if he were a private coachman! The whole edgeof the thing had been taken off--it was flatter than walking.
'Well, Tommy,' said Mrs. Cluppins, 'how's your poor dear mother?'
'Oh, she's very well,' replied Master Bardell. 'She's in the frontparlour, all ready. I'm ready too, I am.' Here Master Bardell put hishands in his pockets, and jumped off and on the bottom step of the door.
'Is anybody else a-goin', Tommy?' said Mrs. Cluppins, arranging herpelerine.
'Mrs. Sanders is going, she is,' replied Tommy; 'I'm going too, I am.'
'Drat the boy,' said little Mrs. Cluppins. 'He thinks of nobody buthimself. Here, Tommy, dear.'
'Well,' said Master Bardell.
'Who else is a-goin', lovey?' said Mrs. Cluppins, in an insinuatingmanner.
'Oh! Mrs. Rogers is a-goin',' replied Master Bardell, opening his eyesvery wide as he delivered the intelligence.
'What? The lady as has taken the lodgings!' ejaculated Mrs. Cluppins.
Master Bardell put his hands deeper down into his pockets, and noddedexactly thirty-five times, to imply that it was the lady-lodger, and noother.
'Bless us!' said Mrs. Cluppins. 'It's quite a party!'
'Ah, if you knew what was in the cupboard, you'd say so,' replied MasterBardell.
'What is there, Tommy?' said Mrs. Cluppins coaxingly. 'You'll tell _me_,Tommy, I know.'
No, I won't,' replied Master Bardell, shaking his head, and applyinghimself to the bottom step again.
'Drat the child!' muttered Mrs. Cluppins. 'What a prowokin' littlewretch it is! Come, Tommy, tell your dear Cluppy.'
'Mother said I wasn't to,' rejoined Master Bardell, 'I'm a-goin' to havesome, I am.' Cheered by this prospect, the precocious boy appliedhimself to his infantile treadmill, with increased vigour.
The above examination of a child of tender years took place while Mr.and Mrs. Raddle and the cab-driver were having an altercation concerningthe fare, which, terminating at this point in favour of the cabman, Mrs.Raddle came up tottering.
'Lauk, Mary Ann! what's the matter?' said Mrs. Cluppins.
'It's put me all over in such a tremble, Betsy,' replied Mrs. Raddle.'Raddle ain't like a man; he leaves everythink to me.'
This was scarcely fair upon the unfortunate Mr. Raddle, who had beenthrust aside by his good lady in the commencement of the dispute, andperemptorily commanded to hold his tongue. He had no opportunity ofdefending himself, however, for Mrs. Raddle gave unequivocal signs offainting; which, being perceived from the parlour window, Mrs. Bardell,Mrs. Sanders, the lodger, and the lodger's servant, darted precipitatelyout, and conveyed her into the house, all talking at the same time, andgiving utterance to various expressions of pity and condolence, as ifshe were one of the most suffering mortals on earth. Being conveyed intothe front parlour, she was there deposited on a sofa; and the lady fromthe first floor running up to the first floor, returned with a bottle ofsal-volatile, which, holding Mrs. Raddle tight round the neck, sheapplied in all womanly kindness and pity to her nose, until that ladywith many plunges and struggles was fain to declare herself decidedlybetter.
'Ah, poor thing!' said Mrs. Rogers, 'I know what her feelin's is, toowell.'
Ah, poor thing! so do I,' said Mrs. Sanders; and then all the ladiesmoaned in unison, and said they knew what it was, and they pitied herfrom their hearts, they did. Even the lodger's little servant, who wasthirteen years old and three feet high, murmured her sympathy.
'But what's been the matter?' said Mrs. Bardell.
'Ah, what has decomposed you, ma'am?' inquired Mrs. Rogers.
'I have been a good deal flurried,' replied Mrs. Raddle, in areproachful manner. Thereupon the ladies cast indignant glances at Mr.Raddle.
'Why, the fact is,' said that unhappy gentleman, stepping forward, 'whenwe alighted at this door, a dispute arose with the driver of thecabrioily--' A loud scream from his wife, at the mention of this word,rendered all further explanation inaudible.
'You'd better leave us to bring her round, Raddle,' said Mrs. Cluppins.'She'll never get better as long as you're here.'
All the ladies concurred in this opinion; so Mr. Raddle was pushed outof the room, and requested to give himself an airing in the back yard.Which he did for about a quarter of an hour, when Mrs. Bardell announcedto him with a solemn face that he might come in now, but that he must bevery careful how he behaved towards his wife. She knew he didn't mean tobe unkind; but Mary Ann was very far from strong, and, if he didn't takecare, he might lose her when he least expected it, which would be a verydreadful reflection for him afterwards; and so on. All t
his, Mr. Raddleheard with great submission, and presently returned to the parlour in amost lamb-like manner.
'Why, Mrs. Rogers, ma'am,' said Mrs. Bardell, 'you've never beenintroduced, I declare! Mr. Raddle, ma'am; Mrs. Cluppins, ma'am; Mrs.Raddle, ma'am.'
'Which is Mrs. Cluppins's sister,' suggested Mrs. Sanders.
'Oh, indeed!' said Mrs. Rogers graciously; for she was the lodger, andher servant was in waiting, so she was more gracious than intimate, inright of her position. 'Oh, indeed!'
Mrs. Raddle smiled sweetly, Mr. Raddle bowed, and Mrs. Cluppins said,'she was sure she was very happy to have an opportunity of being knownto a lady which she had heerd so much in favour of, as Mrs. Rogers.' Acompliment which the last-named lady acknowledged with gracefulcondescension.
'Well, Mr. Raddle,' said Mrs. Bardell; 'I'm sure you ought to feel verymuch honoured at you and Tommy being the only gentlemen to escort somany ladies all the way to the Spaniards, at Hampstead. Don't you thinkhe ought, Mrs. Rogers, ma'am?'
Oh, certainly, ma'am,' replied Mrs. Rogers; after whom all the otherladies responded, 'Oh, certainly.'
'Of course I feel it, ma'am,' said Mr. Raddle, rubbing his hands, andevincing a slight tendency to brighten up a little. 'Indeed, to tell youthe truth, I said, as we was a-coming along in the cabrioily--'
At the recapitulation of the word which awakened so many painfulrecollections, Mrs. Raddle applied her handkerchief to her eyes again,and uttered a half-suppressed scream; so that Mrs. Bardell frowned uponMr. Raddle, to intimate that he had better not say anything more, anddesired Mrs. Rogers's servant, with an air, to 'put the wine on.'
This was the signal for displaying the hidden treasures of the closet,which comprised sundry plates of oranges and biscuits, and a bottle ofold crusted port--that at one-and-nine--with another of the celebratedEast India sherry at fourteen-pence, which were all produced in honourof the lodger, and afforded unlimited satisfaction to everybody. Aftergreat consternation had been excited in the mind of Mrs. Cluppins, by anattempt on the part of Tommy to recount how he had been cross-examinedregarding the cupboard then in action (which was fortunately nipped inthe bud by his imbibing half a glass of the old crusted 'the wrong way,'and thereby endangering his life for some seconds), the party walkedforth in quest of a Hampstead stage. This was soon found, and in acouple of hours they all arrived safely in the Spaniards Tea-gardens,where the luckless Mr. Raddle's very first act nearly occasioned hisgood lady a relapse; it being neither more nor less than to order teafor seven, whereas (as the ladies one and all remarked), what could havebeen easier than for Tommy to have drank out of anybody's cup--oreverybody's, if that was all--when the waiter wasn't looking, whichwould have saved one head of tea, and the tea just as good!
However, there was no help for it, and the tea-tray came, with sevencups and saucers, and bread-and-butter on the same scale. Mrs. Bardellwas unanimously voted into the chair, and Mrs. Rogers being stationed onher right hand, and Mrs. Raddle on her left, the meal proceeded withgreat merriment and success.
'How sweet the country is, to be sure!' sighed Mrs. Rogers; 'I almostwish I lived in it always.'
'Oh, you wouldn't like that, ma'am,' replied Mrs. Bardell, ratherhastily; for it was not at all advisable, with reference to thelodgings, to encourage such notions; 'you wouldn't like it, ma'am.'
'Oh! I should think you was a deal too lively and sought after, to becontent with the country, ma'am,' said little Mrs. Cluppins.
'Perhaps I am, ma'am. Perhaps I am,' sighed the first-floor lodger.
'For lone people as have got nobody to care for them, or take care ofthem, or as have been hurt in their mind, or that kind of thing,'observed Mr. Raddle, plucking up a little cheerfulness, and lookinground, 'the country is all very well. The country for a wounded spirit,they say.'
Now, of all things in the world that the unfortunate man could havesaid, any would have been preferable to this. Of course Mrs. Bardellburst into tears, and requested to be led from the table instantly; uponwhich the affectionate child began to cry too, most dismally.
'Would anybody believe, ma'am,' exclaimed Mrs. Raddle, turning fiercelyto the first-floor lodger, 'that a woman could be married to such aunmanly creetur, which can tamper with a woman's feelings as he does,every hour in the day, ma'am?'
'My dear,' remonstrated Mr. Raddle, 'I didn't mean anything, my dear.'
'You didn't mean!' repeated Mrs. Raddle, with great scorn and contempt.'Go away. I can't bear the sight on you, you brute.'
'You must not flurry yourself, Mary Ann,' interposed Mrs. Cluppins. 'Youreally must consider yourself, my dear, which you never do. Now go away,Raddle, there's a good soul, or you'll only aggravate her.'
'You had better take your tea by yourself, Sir, indeed,' said Mrs.Rogers, again applying the smelling-bottle.
Mrs. Sanders, who, according to custom, was very busy with the bread-and-butter, expressed the same opinion, and Mr. Raddle quietly retired.
After this, there was a great hoisting up of Master Bardell, who wasrather a large size for hugging, into his mother's arms, in whichoperation he got his boots in the tea-board, and occasioned someconfusion among the cups and saucers. But that description of faintingfits, which is contagious among ladies, seldom lasts long; so when hehad been well kissed, and a little cried over, Mrs. Bardell recovered,set him down again, wondering how she could have been so foolish, andpoured out some more tea.
It was at this moment, that the sound of approaching wheels was heard,and that the ladies, looking up, saw a hackney-coach stop at the gardengate.
'More company!' said Mrs. Sanders.
'It's a gentleman,' said Mrs. Raddle.
'Well, if it ain't Mr. Jackson, the young man from Dodson and Fogg's!'cried Mrs. Bardell. 'Why, gracious! Surely Mr. Pickwick can't have paidthe damages.'
'Or hoffered marriage!' said Mrs. Cluppins.
'Dear me, how slow the gentleman is,' exclaimed Mrs. Rogers. 'Whydoesn't he make haste!'
As the lady spoke these words, Mr. Jackson turned from the coach wherehe had been addressing some observations to a shabby man in blackleggings, who had just emerged from the vehicle with a thick ash stickin his hand, and made his way to the place where the ladies were seated;winding his hair round the brim of his hat, as he came along.
'Is anything the matter? Has anything taken place, Mr. Jackson?' saidMrs. Bardell eagerly.
'Nothing whatever, ma'am,' replied Mr. Jackson. 'How de do, ladies? Ihave to ask pardon, ladies, for intruding--but the law, ladies--thelaw.' With this apology Mr. Jackson smiled, made a comprehensive bow,and gave his hair another wind. Mrs. Rogers whispered Mrs. Raddle thathe was really an elegant young man.
'I called in Goswell Street,' resumed Mr. Jackson, 'and hearing that youwere here, from the slavey, took a coach and came on. Our people wantyou down in the city directly, Mrs. Bardell.'
'Lor!' ejaculated that lady, starting at the sudden nature of thecommunication.
'Yes,' said Mr. Jackson, biting his lip. 'It's very important andpressing business, which can't be postponed on any account. Indeed,Dodson expressly said so to me, and so did Fogg. I've kept the coach onpurpose for you to go back in.'
'How very strange!' exclaimed Mrs. Bardell.
The ladies agreed that it _was _ very strange, but were unanimously ofopinion that it must be very important, or Dodson & Fogg would neverhave sent; and further, that the business being urgent, she ought torepair to Dodson & Fogg's without any delay.
There was a certain degree of pride and importance about being wanted byone's lawyers in such a monstrous hurry, that was by no meansdispleasing to Mrs. Bardell, especially as it might be reasonablysupposed to enhance her consequence in the eyes of the first-floorlodger. She simpered a little, affected extreme vexation and hesitation,and at last arrived at the conclusion that she supposed she must go.
'But won't you refresh yourself after your walk, Mr. Jackson?' said Mrs.Bardell persuasively.
'Why, really there ain't much time to lose,' repl
ied Jackson; 'and I'vegot a friend here,' he continued, looking towards the man with the ashstick.
'Oh, ask your friend to come here, Sir,' said Mrs. Bardell. 'Pray askyour friend here, Sir.'
'Why, thank'ee, I'd rather not,' said Mr. Jackson, with someembarrassment of manner. 'He's not much used to ladies' society, and itmakes him bashful. If you'll order the waiter to deliver him anythingshort, he won't drink it off at once, won't he!--only try him!' Mr.Jackson's fingers wandered playfully round his nose at this portion ofhis discourse, to warn his hearers that he was speaking ironically.
The waiter was at once despatched to the bashful gentleman, and thebashful gentleman took something; Mr. Jackson also took something, andthe ladies took something, for hospitality's sake. Mr. Jackson then saidhe was afraid it was time to go; upon which, Mrs. Sanders, Mrs.Cluppins, and Tommy (who it was arranged should accompany Mrs. Bardell,leaving the others to Mr. Raddle's protection), got into the coach.
'Isaac,' said Jackson, as Mrs. Bardell prepared to get in, looking up atthe man with the ash stick, who was seated on the box, smoking a cigar.
'Well?'
'This is Mrs. Bardell.'
'Oh, I know'd that long ago,' said the man.
Mrs. Bardell got in, Mr. Jackson got in after her, and away they drove.Mrs. Bardell could not help ruminating on what Mr. Jackson's friend hadsaid. Shrewd creatures, those lawyers. Lord bless us, how they findpeople out!
'Sad thing about these costs of our people's, ain't it,' said Jackson,when Mrs. Cluppins and Mrs. Sanders had fallen asleep; 'your bill ofcosts, I mean.'
'I'm very sorry they can't get them,' replied Mrs. Bardell. 'But if youlaw gentlemen do these things on speculation, why you must get a lossnow and then, you know.'
'You gave them a _cognovit _for the amount of your costs, after thetrial, I'm told!' said Jackson.
'Yes. Just as a matter of form,' replied Mrs. Bardell.
'Certainly,' replied Jackson drily. 'Quite a matter of form. Quite.'
On they drove, and Mrs. Bardell fell asleep. She was awakened, aftersome time, by the stopping of the coach.
'Bless us!' said the lady. 'Are we at Freeman's Court?'
'We're not going quite so far,' replied Jackson. 'Have the goodness tostep out.'
Mrs. Bardell, not yet thoroughly awake, complied. It was a curiousplace: a large wall, with a gate in the middle, and a gas-light burninginside.
'Now, ladies,' cried the man with the ash stick, looking into the coach,and shaking Mrs. Sanders to wake her, 'Come!' Rousing her friend, Mrs.Sanders alighted. Mrs. Bardell, leaning on Jackson's arm, and leadingTommy by the hand, had already entered the porch. They followed.
The room they turned into was even more odd-looking than the porch. Sucha number of men standing about! And they stared so!
'What place is this?' inquired Mrs. Bardell, pausing.
'Only one of our public offices,' replied Jackson, hurrying her througha door, and looking round to see that the other women were following.'Look sharp, Isaac!'
'Safe and sound,' replied the man with the ash stick. The door swungheavily after them, and they descended a small flight of steps.
'Here we are at last. All right and tight, Mrs. Bardell!' said Jackson,looking exultingly round.
'What do you mean?' said Mrs. Bardell, with a palpitating heart.
'Just this,' replied Jackson, drawing her a little on one side; 'don'tbe frightened, Mrs. Bardell. There never was a more delicate man thanDodson, ma'am, or a more humane man than Fogg. It was their duty in theway of business, to take you in execution for them costs; but they wereanxious to spare your feelings as much as they could. What a comfort itmust be, to you, to think how it's been done! This is the Fleet, ma'am.Wish you good-night, Mrs. Bardell. Good-night, Tommy!'
As Jackson hurried away in company with the man with the ash stickanother man, with a key in his hand, who had been looking on, led thebewildered female to a second short flight of steps leading to adoorway. Mrs. Bardell screamed violently; Tommy roared; Mrs. Cluppinsshrunk within herself; and Mrs. Sanders made off, without more ado. Forthere stood the injured Mr. Pickwick, taking his nightly allowance ofair; and beside him leant Samuel Weller, who, seeing Mrs. Bardell, tookhis hat off with mock reverence, while his master turned indignantly onhis heel.
'Don't bother the woman,' said the turnkey to Weller; 'she's just comein.'
'A prisoner!' said Sam, quickly replacing his hat. 'Who's theplaintives? What for? Speak up, old feller.'
'Dodson and Fogg,' replied the man; 'execution on _cognovit _for costs.'
'Here, Job, Job!' shouted Sam, dashing into the passage. 'Run to Mr.Perker's, Job. I want him directly. I see some good in this. Here's agame. Hooray! vere's the gov'nor?'
But there was no reply to these inquiries, for Job had started furiouslyoff, the instant he received his commission, and Mrs. Bardell hadfainted in real downright earnest.