Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers walked through Loogie’s Diner, towards the exit doors. Chuck Splatter was determined to bring their newly discovered information on Mad Ted to Sammy Ammo. It was a divine message that Chuck believed he received, removing all of his worries, and replacing them with uplifting confidence. Chuck envisioned Sammy rejoicing with the news, as it would deliver him everything that he sought, praising Chuck with attention for all of the credit. Chuck took his vision further, as he then imagined Sammy Ammo forcefully demanding Wilsie to remove her worthless mind and body from their presence. Chuck began smiling, as his revenge birthed an image of Wilsie being humiliated, incapable of retrieving information on Mad Ted, forever imposing the truth within her mind that she was a journalistic failure.
Chuck Splatter would forever be grateful for his desire of that grilled cheese sandwich. Thoughts of the three of them, wreaking havoc through Awful, Ohio, earning the goods that they were entitled to, portrayed nostalgic images through Chuck’s head. It was pleasant and blissful.
As they approached the exit of Loogie’s Diner, Chuck and Doink anticipated the same chaos that they experienced when searching for Loogie’s; foot traffic flooding through the sidewalks, and busy automobiles squeezing through every open space to inch closer to their destination. Chuck and Doink pushed through the exit doors, ready to embrace and fend off the voracious crowds. They clenched their fists, bulged their biceps, and broadened their shoulders, ready to muscle their way through the anticipated chaos to get to Sammy. They punched through the exit, slamming the doors hard against the aluminum exterior of Loogie’s Diner, conceiving a thunderous noise that echoed down barren streets. But to the surprise of Chuck and Doink, instead of chaotic waves of anxious citizens and cars rummaging through the sidewalks and streets to exchange currency for debris, there was nothing.
The noise of the slamming door vacated through empty streets, leaving Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers alone in silence. There were no noises echoing off the buildings, and there were no cars or citizens chaotically searching for material to exchange for their money. There was no foot traffic to fight through, and there were no anxious cars to dodge out of the way from. The sidewalks and streets were clear, void of all of Awful, Ohio’s busy bodies. Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers remained standing in front of Loogie’s Diner, unsure of what to make of the lifeless surroundings that never occurred in center city of Awful, Ohio.
They looked to their left, searching for anything, then looked over to their right, only to see the same emptiness on both sides. The sun was out, bright, and illuminating with warmth, which normally unites the masses towards center city of Awful, Ohio. But apparently, the warmth wasn’t appealing enough to unite the masses. A tumbleweed dribbled through the streets, blown by the lonely wind, rolling past Loogie’s Diner, searching for someone to play with. The wind blew up to the soiled flag, hoisted above Loogie’s Diner, gently flapping, releasing some of its debris. The debris fell from the sky, landing softly into the hair of Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers, and the surrounding area, creating a soft tune from the contact of the ground that was loud enough for Chuck and Doink to hear.
The center city of Awful, Ohio had become desolate. Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers weren’t exactly sure what to make of it. They had remembered all of the punishing chaos that they had to embrace in order to find Loogie’s Diner, and they had anticipated the same discomfort of the punishing chaos when exiting Loogie’s Diner. But rather than the anticipated discomfort, a warm breeze wrapped around their bodies like a protective blanket, encapsulating the details of their figures, freezing into a solid mold. Chuck and Doink stepped forward, breaking free from the mold, as the empty space filled with warm air.
They walked down the empty street of center city of Awful, Ohio, fearless of the rampaging automobiles that drove without mercy. They drifted through the streets, carried by the warm rays of light that coated their bodies in bliss and comfort. Their chaotic anticipation evaporated from their beings, as they began to overflow with sensations of serenity. There was a lot of space that they were able to enjoy without the hindrance of other beings, and a lot of actions that they could enjoy doing without worrying about the judgment of spectators. They eyed up all of the defenseless stores, debating which one to enter into first, discussing all of the booty that they were going to help themselves to. They started running back and forth, enjoying the limitless freedom. Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers were laughing like they had when they were school children, playing tag in the streets, chasing one another gaily around the light posts and mail boxes. They had temporarily forgotten their purpose, unconcerned with delivering the message to Sammy Ammo, as the quiet desolation of the empty streets rewarded their inner ambitions with innocence.
But their enjoyment was promptly terminated. A powerful noise could be heard from above, encroaching closer to the game of tag taking place on the surface of Awful, Ohio. The vacant streets condensed with the punishing sound waves, as it continuously chopped through the sky, directly above them. It was loud and intimidating, echoing back and forth from the walls of every building. Chuck Splatter and Doink McTriggers stopped their game of tag, analyzing the noise to unveil the source. They expected the source of the noise to be from all of the citizens stampeding through the streets, thinking that they had not realized that today was the Awful Marathon. The looked down to the end of the street, awaiting the herd of marathon runners, unaware that the noise was coming from above.
But instead, a blinding light, brighter than the sun, incarcerated their bodies. An aerial device hovered directly overtop of them, spewing a spotlight from its belly, entrapping both Chuck and Doink, locking them beneath the light, immobilizing them. They were frozen, unsure of everything that was taking place before them, as their minds raced for answers. The divine stranger from Loogie’s Diner and his divine message was fresh in their minds, offering the only conclusion to the current anomaly that they were experiencing, as they both then thought that all of the Awful, Ohio population had been abducted, leaving them both as the sole survivors to fend for their lives.
“Are these the aliens?” Doink asked Chuck, attempting to break free from the imprisoning light, reaching for Chuck Splatter to tag him back.
“I’m not sure, Doink,” replied Chuck, trying to squirm away, so not to get tagged.
But Chuck’s response wasn’t assuring, as Doink’s mind constructed images of flying saucers, terrorizing Awful, Ohio from the heavens, beaming his helpless body into their science induced possession. He envisioned aliens probing him, dissecting his body for scientific analysis, rearranging his body in perverse ways, until his segmented body parts would be transformed into trophies, rewarding the alien surgeons of their earthly discoveries.
“Chuck, I don’t want to be abducted. I really don’t want to be abducted! I’m scared Chuck! I can’t be removed from earth! My body works best the way that it is!” Doink started hyperventilating, as his imagination transformed into futuristic provisions, fearful of being mounted onto a laboratory table, light years away from Awful, Ohio, having his body segmented into trophy bits, perched on the mantels of the alien scientists. His heart beat quickly, twitching every nerve, rattling his internal organs like maracas. “Chuck, I can’t move. I want to run. I can’t run! Oh my god! They’re going to take us, Chuck!”
“Would you shut up!” responded Chuck, yelling, as the hovering craft continued pounding its furious sounds against the surroundings. Chuck wasn’t so sure that it was an alien spacecraft that was directly over top of them, but he wasn’t able to tell because of how blinding the light was. Chuck Splatter shifted to his body enough so that the light above him would no longer flood his eyes, so that he could make out the aerial structure. Also, so that he would be too far away from Doink to tag him back.
Chuck had to blink a few times, but once his eyes were free from the blinding light, he was able to regain focus, and the object that took shape before his clarifying vision was not a flyi
ng saucer, but instead a black helicopter. The blades were whirling quickly, holding the body of the helicopter in the sky, as the side door was propped open, withholding a human hanging from the propped door. The human was wearing dark sunglasses, shielding all eye contact, dressed in a black uniform, holding a megaphone.
“A perfect disguise for an alien hamster,” conspired Chuck, freshly influenced from the divine stranger’s message in Loogie’s Diner.
Chuck Splatter avoided eye contact with the individual propped from the helicopter, avoiding obligation to acknowledge the individual. Chuck then moved his eyes over to some scripture that was tagged on the side of the helicopter. He read it silently, anticipating some undecipherable, alien language. But to Chuck’s surprise, he was able to decipher the scripture, understanding all of it, which translated into “Awful’s Coercive Prevention Force.”
“Oh shit,” whimpered Chuck Splatter, realizing that they were not aliens.
“What, what is it, Chuck?” responded Doink, hysterically. “Are they beaming us up?”
“No Doink! It’s the authorities! Quick, we gotta get outta here!”
Doink and Chuck broke free from the spotlight, realizing that their fear was the only thing keeping them locked beneath the light.
“Stop where you are!” shouted the man holding the megaphone, hovering with the helicopter.
Doink McTriggers and Chuck Splatter ran for their lives. They weaved and bobbed through the empty streets, cutting away from the mailboxes, crisscrossing through the street lights just to avoid the menacing aerial vehicle. But no matter how quickly they ran, they could hear the punishing chopper pounding the air directly behind them. The noise bounced off every wall of every building, as it gained ground on Chuck and Doink. The spotlight nipped at their heels, as the helicopter was only inches away, as the man with the megaphone continuously demanded them to stop running immediately.
But Doink and Chuck did the opposite, as they quickly turned into the seclusion of an alleyway, hoping that it would provide enough cover from the menacing helicopter. But the helicopter grew louder, with their surroundings beginning to glow from the encroaching spotlight. The plangent sound vibrated back and forth against the enclosed walls of the buildings, rattling the fear exposed ground, terrorizing both Chuck and Doink with the heavy spotlight. Chuck and Doink had no where else to run, as they reached the end of the alley.
They turned their backs to the wall, compressing their bodies as hard as they could, hoping that they would miraculously dematerialize into the building through the solid brick structure. But their bodies remained whole, as they faced the approaching helicopter and its ensnaring light. They anticipated their arms and legs being shackled together, bound to the insides of the helicopter, as they would then be hauled off to Awful, Ohio’s prison. Chuck and Doink grabbed each other’s hand, fearful of the end, as they then looked into one another’s eyes, expressing to each other all of the enjoyable moments that they had shared together up until that very moment of panic.
“Welp, this is it,” admitted Doink, ready to accept his fate.
But before Chuck could respond with some condoling words, another voice was overheard.
“Hey, over here!”
Both Chuck and Doink looked over to their right, and there was Wilsie McHickoryboob, propping out of a door attached to the abandoned building that they had all originally departed from after the interrogation. She was waving wildly, expecting her extended efforts to bring them towards her faster. Her mackerel sized ears were waving just as wildly, pushing the air beneath her body, almost uplifting her into the sky.
Chuck and Doink released each other’s hands, hoping Wilsie didn’t see anything. They peeled their bodies from the building, leaving imprints of their figures in the brick, and they ran into the propped door, ducking inside of the abandoned building, just before the eyes in the helicopter could see where they had gone.