“He’s harmless,” Don replied, also soundlessly. “His name is John, as in your play, and his talent is creating a local Region of Madness”
“Harmless? That’s dangerous!”
“No, because it is small, and temporary, and benign. Watch; there’s another siege starting now”
Cyrus watched through the donkey’s eyes. A cylindrical metal can flew into view with insect wings. “Hello,” the can said. “I am your host for this canned show: Can Bee. I can do just about anything you can imagine.”
“You can?” Piper asked, impressed.
“I am a can, yes,” it agreed. “And here is my girlfriend, Can D.” Another can appeared, filled with sweets. “And my clever brother, Can E.” This can shone brightly. “And my cousin Can L.” This one was long and thin, containing water with small ships sailing on it. “My military uncle, Can N.” This can had thick sides. There was a bang, as it fired a Can N Ball that flew into the wall and exploded, making a hole. “And my incontinent child, Can OP.” This little can had a cloth covering, and was filled with urine. “He likes nuts.” The little can tilted, and poured out a stream of urine in which floated several corrugated nuts. “Real P Cans,” Can Bee said proudly. “You are welcome to eat them.”
“Thanks, but I have already eaten,” Piper said, evidently trying to mask an expression of disgust.
One more can appeared. “Sorry I’m late,” it said. “Had to carry water for the gang.”
“And my other son, Can Teen,” Can Bee concluded. “Now can we get out of here? Let’s get canned.” All the cans faded from view.
“Harmless madness,” Cyrus agreed.
“Unfortunately it takes a few days for my effect to wear off,” John said apologetically. “It is involuntary; I leave a trail of mild madness behind me. If you are going where I have been, you will encounter it.”
“I am traveling that way,” Piper said regretfully.
“Well, it’s your sanity.” John pulled a blanket over hishead and slept. Evidently once his local madness had manifested, it lay fallow for a few hours.
Piper shook her head. “Trees were never like this.”
“Neither were machines,” Don said.
Cyrus tuned them out. Piper and the donkey seemed to be all right.
Rhythm woke with a start. “Oh, I have reverted!”
She had, for more than an hour had passed. “Nothing happened,” Cyrus reassured her.
“That’s good. Or is it?”
“It’s good,” he said. “You were upset.”
“That I remember. I was a bad girl, all nasty and jealous.”
“You were a good girl, all contrite and gentle”
She gazed at him, knowing better. “You’re so sweet”
He didn’t argue.
Next day Piper and Don came to the state of Miss. Every resident was female, single, and fouled up. They had, it seemed, run afoul of Miss Adventure, who caused them to have the bad luck to get diverted into this territory. When they asked directions to get back on track, their informant turned out to be Miss Direct, who gave them the wrong information. The one they tried to explain their situation to turned out to be Miss Believe, who refused to accept anything they said. Then a new woman forgot anything they told her before she could help; she turned out to be Miss Remember. Miss Anthrope refused to talk to them at all. Miss Place couldn’t find anything.
Finally Piper and Don both shut their eyes and forged on blindly, paying no attention to any of the women. That was the key; soon they blundered out of that region and were back on track.
Piper relaxed by pausing to drink a hot cup of dark liquid. And burst into a fit of coughing. She had accidentally taken coughee.
As her vision cleared, she found herself in another section of madness. This one had a sign: parody puns. She quailed, but the only way out was straight through. Thus they passed by a bird with fancy tailfeathers: a P-Cock. Another creature insisted on peering at them from behind a bush: a P-Ping. Another was a nut in the shape of a P: a P-Nut.
“We’ve got to get out of here,” she said, irritated.
“You’re getting P-vish,” Don said.
She kicked him in the flank.
Cyrus shook his head. He had not meant to send the poor girl into such a mess. But she was managing adequately.
Or was she? “Mischief coming up,” Don warned him.
“How do you know?”
“I have excellent distance vision. There’s a bad sign.”
“A bad sign? Since when do you believe in signs?”
“Stay tuned”
So Cyrus did.
Finally they came to a village. “I’m hugely relieved,” Piper said. “The gruesome puns have worn me out.” Dusty had stayed largely clear, but he seemed tired too.
Only Don remained as ever. “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but puns only disgust me.” He reconsidered. “Actually, I’ll eat the sticks, and my bones are iron. So that part’s not true”
Piper laughed. “It must be nice, being a robot,” she remarked as they approached the village sign. “No emotions. You can’t get upset.”
“I’m learning emotions,” Don said. “By studying you. I file each one in my data bank for future reference. For example, disgust is an emotion.”
“Oh! I fear I’m a bad model. Too girlish.”
“No, you have obvious emotions. That helps”
They paused at the sign. UNWELCOME.
“They can’t mean that!” Piper said with spot despair.
Dusty compacted to his devil form and peered at the sign. “There’s small print,” he announced. “It says IF YOU ARE UNINVITED AND UNEXPECTED, YOU ARE ALSO UNWELCOME.”
“But it’s too late to find another village!” Piper wailed emotionally.
“So we will stay here to night,” Don said. “There must be a hostel.”
“We already know they’re hostile.”
“I meant a place to stay”
They walked into the village. From almost every window unfriendly glances speared out. The sign by the village hotel said hostile, confirming Piper’s understanding. That wasn’t the same.
Don’s keen eyes spotted a woman sitting on her porch. She looked nice. “Try her,” Don suggested, stopping outside that house.
Piper dismounted and approached the woman. “Hello. I’m Piper. We need a place to stay to night”
The woman smiled. “I am Shaunna. You are welcome to stay here. But you may not want to.”
“Why not?”
“Because I am not popular in this town.”
“The town of Unwelcome?”
“Yes. I tend to welcome people. That’s contrary to the spirit of the village.”
“We’ll stay here,” Piper said.
“As you wish.” Shaunna got up and opened her door.
“What about Don Donkey?”
“I have a grass garden in my backyard.”
“Any dry wood?” Don asked.
“You talk!” Shaunna said, startled.
“I’m a robot donkey. I have a robot talk box.”
“A robot! So then you don’t eat grass.”
“I burn wood”
“I do have some dry sticks. You are welcome to them.”
“I prefer to stay with Piper.”
“You can come inside with her. And you also, of course, mister—”
“Dusty.”
“Yes, I’m not surprised. It’s a dusty landscape out there.”
“Dusty Dust Devil,” he clarified, briefly swirling into his other shape.
“Oh!” she said, laughing. “That’s clever”
But the neighbors were scowling. “She should be burned out,” one said grimly.
“Yeah?” Dusty demanded, starting to swirl again.
“Don’t be concerned,” Shaunna said quickly. “They won’t do anything.”
“They won’t?” Don asked. “They look pretty determined mean to me.”
“My talent is the Seldom Scene,” she explained.
“When I invoke it, as I do every night, they can’t locate my house.” She made a gesture. Nothing happened.
But the nasty neighbor seemed to lose his way. He looked all around except at the house. Then he departed, disgruntled.
“I don’t understand,” Piper said. “We are plainly visible.”
“No. We can see out, but they can’t see in. The scene is gone, for them. Even though they know the house is still here, they just can’t find it. It keeps me safe when I sleep”
Shaunna served Piper and Dusty a nice meal, and brought in her dry sticks for Don. “I like this woman,” Don remarked privately to Cyrus.
“You’re really nice,” Dusty said.
Shaunna laid her hand on his. “It’s nice to be appreciated”
Cyrus, looking through the donkey’s eyes, saw how thrilled the dust devil was with that touch.
“I have an idea,” Piper said. “I am scouting for a play troupe.
We need villages to watch our plays. I don’t think this one will be interested.”
“It won’t be,” Shaunna agreed.
“But your talent—it could really help. You see, the stage and scenery needs to be set up, and the actors have to get their costumes on, without people looking. You could hide them, until playtime.”
“It would really help,” Dusty said eagerly.
“I suppose I could,” Shaunna agreed.
“So why don’t you come with us? I’ll return to the troupe once I get enough villages lined up. Then you could travel with us. I know the others will like you.”
“But you can’t do that on your own,” Shaunna protested. “Your director might not like it”
Piper smiled. “Let’s find out. Don?”
“Bring her,” Cyrus said immediately. “We can certainly use her talent.”
“It’s okay,” Don said.
“But how could you know?” Shaunna asked.
“I am in contact,” Don said.
“He is,” Piper agreed. “You can come, if you want to.”
“Oh, I want to! I don’t like living here, but I had nowhere else to go.”
“Then it’s decided,” Piper said.
In the morning they resumed their trek, and Shaunna came along. As they left the village, Don looked back. There was a column of smoke. The villagers were burning Shaunna’s house, now that it wasn’t protected by the spell.
“Bleep!” Cyrus swore, observing. “I wish I could burn the rest of them down”
Rhythm put a hand on his arm. “Don’t be childishly vindictive. That’s my prerogative”
He had to smile. “But it will be good to have Shaunna with us.”
“You have a play to write,” Melete reminded him.
So he did. Rhythm disappeared, and he sat down at his desk. The play was titled “The Riddle,” and it concerned Good Magician Humfrey and his five and a half wives. He had most of his cast; all he lacked was a suitable story.
Well, there would have to be a problem only the Good Magician personally could handle. But for some reason he would not be able to handle it. Why? What could the Magician of Information not know? That was verging on a paradox.
Cyrus laid down his quill and got up. “I need to ponder,” he said.
“All writers do,” Melete agreed.
Vaguely annoyed by her lack of inspiration, he left her on the table and left the tent. Maybe a walk around the area would help.
A cloud of smoke formed before him. “We need to blurt,” it said.
“To what, Metria?” he asked tiredly.
“Babble, blab, blather, ballyhoo, buzz—”
“Talk?”
“What ever,” she agreed crossly. “You didn’t even let me get out of the Bs. There’s a slew and a half more words to go, like chat, dither—”
“What’s your concern, demoness?”
“That part is boring.”
“You don’t like kissing Tuff?”
“Oh, that was fun for one rehearsal. Making the Witch mad was fun for another. But now it’s dull. I want to be on my way, stirring up mischief elsewhere.”
“Metria, we need you for the next play. To play Humfrey’s demon wife.”
“Dara Demoness,” she agreed. “I’ve known her for centuries. I can’t rile her; she knows all my tricks”
Cyrus sighed. “If you are determined to leave us in the lurch, I can’t prevent you. But I hope your half soul gives you half a guilty conscience”
“It will,” she said. “Buy.”
“That’s ‘bye,’” he said. But she had already dissipated.
Cyrus stopped himself from smiling, lest she still be watching. He could find another actress for the role of Avatar in “The Dream,” and another for the role of Dara in “The Riddle.” Meanwhile he was rid of Metria, who was really more trouble than she was worth. But it was essential that she not know that, lest she change her mind about leaving.
He still lacked a story, so tuned in on Don Donkey as he walked.
Piper was riding, with Shaunna riding behind her. Don was strong enough to carry any number of maidens who could fit on his back. It was a fine day, and the two were chatting idly as Dusty swirled ahead in his whirlwind form.
Then the dust devil returned and formed his devil shape. “There’s something funny ahead, on a bypath.”
“Funny hee- hee or funny odd?” Piper asked.
“Funny odd. It’s a demoness crying.”
“Now that is odd,” Shaunna agreed.
“It’s worse than odd,” Don said. “It’s weird. Demons have no souls, therefore no conscience. They don’t get sad, they get mad.”
“So we’d better investigate,” Piper said.
The others didn’t argue. They walked on, Dusty leading them to the bypath, which was plainly labeled bypath.
The demoness was there, still sobbing. They came up and stopped. The women dismounted.
“Pardon me,” Piper said.
The demoness jumped, puffing into foul- smelling smoke. “Oh! You startled me,” the smoke puffed. “I thought I was alone. I come here every day to cry for a few hours.”
“You were alone,” Piper said. “We came to ask why you are so sad. Maybe it’s none of our business”
The smoke formed back into a woman. “You’re a tree-nymph! What are you doing away from your tree?”
“I’m only half dryad,” Piper explained. “I’m not bound to a tree, though maybe some day I’ll adopt one. I am Piper Nymph. My mother married a mortal man.”
“You’re a half- breed!”
Piper bridled. “You have a problem with that?”
“No, not at all. I’m a half- breed myself. I am D Kay, a zombie demoness.”
“Your parents—that must have been some romance!”
“More like a disaster in a love spring.” Kay looked at Piper. “Do you have a problem deciding which heritage to honor? Human or dryad?”
“Yes, actually. So I’m out traveling, trying to make up my mind.”
“That’s my problem. My demon father doesn’t want anything to do with me, and my zombie mother—well, her mind isn’t very good, because of too much rot, and she sometimes forgets I exist.”
“So you don’t know who to associate with,” Piper said. “I understand perfectly.”
“Yes. So I try to fly with the demons, but they leave me behind. So I try to settle down in the local zombie village, but they don’t much like demons. So I don’t know where to go.”
“Bring her here,” Cyrus told Don. “We need a demoness actress.”
“Ask her to join the troupe,” Don murmured in turn to Piper. “They need her.”
“I’m with a troupe,” Piper said. “We put on plays. In fact I’m promised a small part in the next one. They need a demon ess. Why don’t you join?”
“I’m a zombie demoness,” Kay reminded her. “I can’t do all the things demons do, and I tend to stink. I don’t think your troupe would want me, though I’d love to be an actress.”
??
?We want her,” Cyrus told Don. Don nodded his head to Piper.
“We can handle the smell,” Piper said. “As long as you can remember your lines, and have the discipline to keep rehearsing”
Kay broke down in tears again.
“I didn’t mean to make you sad,” Piper said, alarmed.
“These are tears of happiness,” Kay said. “You have given me reason to live. That’s not something either demons or zombies find very often.”
“Then come with us,” Piper said.
“Gladly,” Kay sobbed, smiling. Several of her teeth were bad, but she looked relatively nice.
Someone touched Cyrus’s shoulder. It was Rhythm. “Is she joining?”
“You used magic!” he exclaimed. “To get a replacement for Metria.”
“Well, I wanted someone who wouldn’t try to seduce you in a play,” she confessed.
“No zombie demoness will seduce me in a play,” he promised. He looked around. “Are we alone? Is it safe to kiss you?”
“It is never safe to kiss me,” she retorted, kissing him.
She was absolutely correct, unfortunately. Eventually there was bound to be a serious reckoning. But he loved her, regardless.
13 ITINERARY
Piper, Dusty, Don, Shaunna, and D Kay went on to the zombie village. “I never realized zombies had villages,” Piper confided to the others.
“It’s on the map,” Don reminded her. “Zombies can do what ever they want”
Piper checked. “So it is. I guess I wasn’t paying proper attention”
They went to the center of the village. All around them zombies were doing zombie things: smearing rot on vegetables, mold on walls, slime on old bread, and scum on water. Soaking new clothing in acid mud to make it deteriorate until a respectable zombie could wear it. Coating newly harvested shoes from a shoe tree with stale sweat to break them in.
“Actually, zombies are not bad folk,” Kay said wistfully. “They’re always willing to lend a hand, they never give anyone any lip, but they do go to pieces on you”
Just so. “Hello,” Piper called. “I represent a troupe that puts on plays. Would you like to have us stop and do a play here?”
An old zombie man shambled up. “Any zombie actorrz?” he asked, spitting out a decayed tooth.
“Yes. One.”
“Okaay.” He returned to his business of scraping muck onto his porch.