“Yeah, that’s our primary misgiving with this whole operation. But we need them to fight the lizards.” Sterling looked at Mike. “What does yours say about all this?”
Well?
It would be very hard to get them to turn on you. Try using one for crowd control sometime – the most they will do is use non-lethal force. It’s difficult to get them to do anything that would harm a human being.
What about all those space battles?
They mostly used members of the insane faction that was bent on turning humans into slaves.
Mostly?
Well, you must have noticed how inept they were at fighting, that was partially because what they were doing went against everything we stand for.
“Mine doesn’t think it would be easy to get them to fight against humans. It suggests trying to use one for crowd control and see how they react.”
Sterling made a note.
“The good news is that their new biotechnology looks like it could revolutionize human industry. If their factories are any indication, they produce very little waste, power themselves through ‘plants’ and their products are frikkin biodegradable.”
“Yeah, it’s all just a little too pat.”
Sterling narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean?”
“We’re invaded by a race of buffoons whose only advantage is technology then poof! The Puppeteers come to our rescue! At the same time we are gradually being introduced to some new technologies that just happen to require Puppeteers in order to use them.”
Sterling got up and started pacing.
“When you put it that way it does sound unlikely.” He stopped “But we need them to win this war.”
“Yeah.”
“What does your Blob think of all this?”
He could at least call me a Guide.
Cut it out. What do you think?
I’m with you, something stinks.
“He says that something stinks.”
And don’t forget to ask him to stop calling me a Blob.
Mike rolled his eyes.
“And please stop calling him a Blob.”
“Fine. Would it prefer ‘Your Highness’ instead?”
Actually…
Shut up.
“I think we should keep an eye on them.”
“I agree,” Sterling said.
As time went on, however, the adoption of Puppeteer technology, and the Puppeteers themselves, only accelerated. It seemed like every time you turned around the Puppeteers would spring some new and invention on Humanity. The use of anti-gravity alone promised to revolutionize travel. Their chemical processing plants were far cleaner than anything Earth had.
And the troops kept winning.
Armor assisted troops were almost single-handedly winning the war. Kids were now getting toys that looked like them. Pilots were becoming heroes.
All just a little too convenient.
* * *
“Idiot!”
The Truly Awesome Uber-General slammed his fist down on the table, causing a mug with the image of a battle cruiser to slosh something that looked suspiciously like coffee onto some papers.
“If that fool of a colonel had just waited two more days we could have wiped out four of those damn armored units! Instead he goes charging in and loses two companies before realizing the mistake!”
“
[email protected]'$ 7Ru3 bU7 the 8a7tle Wa$ 7Ruly awe$0me!” the general’s aide put in.
The general glared at him. This was the second replacement. They all seemed to talk the same way. Maybe the general was the only sane one in the whole race. He sighed.
“Tell the first battalion to reinforce them here and then…” For the next several hours the general tried to salvage what he could of the current mess. When he was done, the assembled staff saluted as one lizard.
“133+!!!”
They filed out of the room. When everyone had gone, the general looked around suspiciously and went to a cabinet where he extracted some chicken McNuggets. As he munched them morbidly he reflected that the things were getting harder to secure, given the battlefield losses they were enduring.
* * *
Kerr-plunk!
“Ha…ha…ha.”
Mike glared at the Raptor who had just scored another foosball goal. He supposed the thing could be grinning at him, but with a face like that he couldn’t do much of anything else.
For some reason, foosball seemed to calm the lizards. It could be that they sucked at everything else, they were really good at foosball.
“Checkmate!”
Tom had just won a chess match against a Raptor. His opponent regarded him emotionlessly, then took the offending chess piece and ate it.
Mike sighed and went over to where Tom was glaring at his opponent.
“That’s not very sporting of you.”
The lizard took another of Tom’s chess pieces and started chewing on it.
“So what’s this supposed to prove?”
“That they stink at chess!” Tom spat out.
“Ha…ha…ha.”
Tom glanced over to the foosball Raptor.
“And…ok…they’re not bad at foosball.”
Kerr-plunk!
“OK, very good at foosball.”
Mike rubbed the bridge of his nose.
“But what does this prove about the Raptors?”
“Oh…I think they’re gamers.”
“What?”
“I think they regard this whole war as a game.”
“What makes you say that?”
Tom turned back to his chess partner.
“What’s the score?”
The Raptor seemed to be waiting for something. Tom sighed and handed him a bag of chicken nuggets.
“We @r3 t07alLy 0wnInG you!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. What’s the score?”
“7H3 L3e7: 5,
[email protected] 8U7 it'5 jus7 CUZ 0f tho$3 @W3$0me 5uit$”
“You can understand him?” Mike asked incredulously.
“It’s just a matter of replacing numbers for certain letters.”
“What about the symbols?”
“That’s harder.”
Mike regarded the Raptor as it ate the chicken nuggets.
“And what’s the deal with the McNuggets?”
Tom shrugged. “Beats me, but at least they don’t try to bite the guards when you give them the damn things.”
Tom got to his feet.
“
[email protected]@
[email protected] [email protected]?” The Raptor looked hopeful.
“Later.”
“w3ak.” The lizard looked crestfallen.
Mike and Tom walked out of the prisoner wing of the building.
“So what good does knowing this do us?”
“I think it plays in to your idea that this whole thing is a setup.”
“It does?”
“Well…no. There’s one weak link to this whole chain of reasoning. We didn’t challenge them.”
Mike looked thoughtful. “What if someone did that for us?”
“You mean the Puppeteers?”
“Yeah.”
Tom stopped so quickly Mike ran into him.
“What does yours think?”
Well?
I think we could have taken him if you had let me control the goalie.
About Tom’s idea!
I hope you’re wrong. I mean, what happens if you’re right?
Chapter 4
The team was performing what had become a common chore: surround the Raptors, take out their heavily fortified positions and then mop up whatever survivors were left.
What was unusual this time was that 100 of them surrendered.
“Control, this is Sleepy Weasel. We have a situation here: the enemy has surrendered.”
“So? Round them up and wait for troop transports to bring them to detention.”
“This time there are a lot of them.”
“Like more than 2 transports worth?”
Mike eyed the m
ultitudes of Raptors with their claws in the air.
“I’d say so.”
“Hold please.”
‘Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head’ played over the communicator.
“What are these guys? Are they taking lessons from the Blobs?”
Hey!
“Do you think we have enough chicken McNuggets at the base?” asked Gupta.
“Let alone enough foosball tables,” put in Kissida.
Someone came on the line.
“This is Major Havoc. I hear you have a lizard problem.”
“That’s right, sir. There are an awful lot of Raptors surrendering this time.”
“Well, back home, when the weeds grow too tall we just haul out the weed whacker.”
“Pardon me?”
“Cut them down to size.”
“Sir?”
“Kill them.”
Mike had one of those moments where time stood still. He looked at the Raptors, in all their lizardliness.
At the risk of spoiling your ‘moment’ I’ll save you the trouble by telling you that this ain’t happening.
What?
I will not let you slaughter these guys.
You won’t let me?
As it happens, you need my cooperation to fire any weapons, let alone move, so without me you’re not going to do this.
“Mike?” Cut in Gupta. “My Puppeteer is refusing to comply.”
“Mine too.,.” said Kissida.
“Same here,” said Sinclair.
“Uhh, Havoc?”
“Major or sir please, son.”
“Umm…we’re not going to do that sir.”
There was a drawn-out silence on the line.
“Are you disobeying a direct order?”
“I’m questioning a clearly illegal order.”
“Don’t mess with me, son. I’ll have you in the brig so fast your head will spin.”
“That may be so, but we’re not going to kill troops that are surrendering.”
“God dammit! We don’t have enough space for them…let alone chicken nuggets.”
“I knew it.” said Gupta sourly.
“For the last time…”
“We are not going to slaughter them and that is final. Now send the damn transports! Over and out!”
“For what it’s worth, if they send you to the stockades, you won’t be alone.”
“Same here,” said Kissida.
“Ditto!” put in Sinclair.
“Well come on, we got a long walk ahead of us…that is unless Havoc decides to send the transports after all.”
* * *
Back at the base, Mike found himself in Sterling’s office along with Major Havoc.
“I assume you know why you’re here.” Sterling said.
“Yes.”
“As it so happens, shooting surrendering troops is illegal so we’re not going to bring you up on charges.”
Oddly enough Mike did not feel relieved. In fact, he hadn’t obsessed about the situation at all.
Some of your doing?
Service with a smile.
“But never the less, you did disobey an order.”
Here it comes.
“We’re short on men to guard the Raptors so you just volunteered for that.”
That’s it?
Don’t say that out loud. Besides, that means you are going to have to put up with more 133+ speak.
Good point.
“Dismissed.”
After Mike had left the room:
“I hope you know what this means,” Sterling said after a pause.
“I don’t follow you.”
“If this team is any indication, the things are probably going to be useless for offensive action.”
“I’d call what they’re doing to the enemy pretty offensive.”
“I mean first strike.”
“Ah.”
“And that’s assuming we don’t discover other morals that the Puppeteers possess.”
Havoc considered this.
“From what I’ve gathered, the first invasion represented a major transgression on the part of the aliens to begin with. Perhaps if we got some of those…”
“Put an insane Puppeteer in one of those mechs, oh, that’s a great idea!”
“Well, when you put it that way…”
“But somebody will probably try it.”
“All we can do is prepare for it.”
“Alright, dismissed.”
Major Havoc got up to go.
“And Al…” Havoc stopped with his hand on the door “…if you ever try something like that again, it will be you who is looking at a court martial.”
“I read you, sir.”
* * *
“So what happened?” Mike’s team gathered round him once he got back to the barracks.
“I’m going to have to stand watch over the lizards.”
“That’s it?” Kissida said incredulously. “I’ve had worse for being late to a meeting!”
“Yeah, but you’re annoying,” Sinclair observed dryly.
“Still, it’s really just symbolic – a slap on the wrist. They could have thrown you in the brig for that.”
“Yeah…I’m wondering if it wasn’t some sort of test,” Mike said thoughtfully.
“What do you mean?” asked Gupta.
“Well…sooner or later someone will try to order the mechs to do something fucked up. They wanted to see how we reacted.”
“And we blew it,” Sally observed.
“I guess that depends on how you define ‘blew it.’”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, these things are incredibly powerful. In the wrong hands they would make a great tool for oppressing a population.”
The room suddenly went silent.
Over my puddling corpse.
I know, I know, I’m just saying.
“So we know that they won’t do that,” Gupta said.
“We know that we won’t do that kind of work. We don’t know how others will react.”
“And there’s more: they might not fight but they will make weapons. Weapons that are used, for example, to support a dictator. What about making medicines to treat the troops of a dictator?”
“Where do they draw the line?”
Mike’s team considered this uncomfortably.
* * *
As the weeks wore on, Earth managed to push back the Raptors to the gateways that they came through. After some deliberation, it was decided to send a scouting party through one of the portals to reconnoiter the situation on the other side. While there were gateways on all continents, the Lizards had first appeared in South America. So that is where Mike and his team found themselves.
“Thanks for volunteering us for this!” Gupta said sarcastically.
“Shut up.” Mike hefted his weapon and considered the portal. It appeared to be a shining, elliptical hole in the air, sort of like a whirlpool. The opening itself was bathed in light, obscuring what was on the other end.
“Any volunteers to go first?” Mike asked wistfully.
“No way!” the brave members of his squad chorused.
“Right.” Mike said glumly, readied his weapon and stepped through the portal.
Mike found himself standing on the top of a stepped, stone pyramid. The sky was red, and there seemed to be a lot of red sand in the city surrounding the pyramid. Here and there were Raptors going about their business, though many were gazing up at Mike and gesturing.
“Took you long enough,” said a voice, sourly.
Mike looked around and discovered a delegation of Raptors was regarding him impatiently from a few feet away. At that moment, the rest of his squad arrived. They leveled their weapons at the delegation, although the Lizards seemed to be unarmed except for the leader, who wore a sword at his side.
“Who are you?” Mike asked.
“I am the Totally Awesome Uber-General of the Leet.
I am here to welcome you to this dimension.”
“You don’t…talk like the others of your kind that I’ve met.”
“133+!” One of the Raptors behind the General inexplicably supplied.
“Yes, annoying, isn’t it?”
“Umm…are you here to negotiate with us?”
The general cocked his head to one side. “Not exactly, I’m here to surrender, sort of.”
“Sort of?”
The general drew his sword and offered it to Mike.
“Good game. We would have had you if it weren’t for those damn suits.”
“Good game?!
“Of course. What did you think it was?”
“But people died! Some of your own people died!”
“Of course they did.” The general said like he was talking to an idiot.
“Uhh…so you are going to stop attacking?”
“Unless you’d care for a rematch.”
Thinking quickly, Mike said “How about foosball instead?”
“133+!”
“we wiLl 0wN you!”
“w0rd!”
The general gave the rest of his entourage a disgusted look. “That would be rather boring, don’t you think?”
“Let’s start with foosball.”
“Oh very well.”
The assembled Raptors cheered.
The general gave Mike a crafty look.
“Any chance we could trade for some of those chicken nugget thingies?”
The other Raptors immediately grew silent watched Mike intently.
“I’m sure that can be arranged.”
“w00+!”
The Raptors were actually jumping up and down with excitement. Mike couldn’t be sure, but he thought the general was smiling.
“How did you find us?” Mike asked.
“Well, we followed the beacon.”
“What beacon?”
The general produced a crystalline tetrahedron, about the size of a fist. He pressed a button on its surface and it began babbling.
“ju hav3 N0 $kiLLz, you ar3 n07 l337, w3 will p0wnz0r y0U!”
The tetrahedron went on in much the same way, spouting taunts and imprecations until the general turned it off again.
“It also explains how to travel to your dimension and the general parameters of the match.”
“Can I have that?”
The general seemed taken aback. “Well I suppose so…” He handed it over to Mike.
Mike glared at the crystalline thing and turned to go.
“You’re leaving already?” asked the general.
“Uh…we’ll be in touch.”
“h3y DuD3! wha7 @80u7 7H3
[email protected] anD ChicKeN nUgg37$?!” One of the Raptors cut in.
“Someone will be along to arrange all that…and ah…good game.”
The Lizards cheered while Mike and his squad left.
When they got to the other side, Mike headed for the shuttle.
The Elder has got some explaining to do.
Damn straight.
Chapter 5
“All right, talk…and don’t try to take a phone call!”