Bullion put the phone down and scurried back to his feast. He loosened his chiffon dressing gown and his morning cravat and placed a new gingham cotton napkin down his front and closed his eyes.
“Thank you Lord for bestowing this table with food and for watching over me. Amen.” He smiled at the man made carbohydrate mountain.
“Boy, can I cook and eat,” he said, smiling into his kitchen mirror.
Bitominge City 1 QPRSTUVWXYZ 0
“BOY OH BOY, WE’RE TOP!” squealed Bullion as the final whistle blew.
“I knew it. What have I been banging on about all season?” he asked a bemused Ingot.
“Erm… the catering not up to scratch?”
“No, but you’re right that does need looking at. I’m fed up with having a cold pie at halftime. No The Lightbulb. Have The Lightbulb on from the start and our futures bright. I can’t believe it’s taken till now for the gaffer (that’s a good one) to realize that if he listens to me he’ll win more than he loses. Finally he’s listening Ingot. Watch this club run away now and win trophies galore.”
“Yes Boss, it’s nice to be top of the league, but it’s a long season, and I think a little modesty at this point will assure we don’t get too carried away and say something in public that we might regret later.”
“Oh Ingot, always thinking about the press and not the big picture. Ingot, the press loves me. They are nothing without me. If I don’t say something outrageous, who else will? And let’s face it. I’m only right ninety-nine percent of the time. Anyway, they still need to print something for tomorrows headlines.”
Ingot shrugged his shoulders as though it didn’t matter what he thought. Bullion skipped out of the directors’ box and up the gangway to the short tunnel leading to the president’s lounge for the post-match assembly.
He was cock-a-hoop about Alsex playing his man from the start and wanted to savor that his views on playing him were correct.
“Hello, Troy.”
“Hello, David.”
“1-0 and top of the league.”
“Yes, very happy David. It’s been a while. Great first half.”
“Yes, it was. We had The Lightbulb on from the start, causing all sorts of problems for their defence,” said Bullion with a mouthful of Scotch egg.
Troy dodged a loose morsel as it flew over his shoulder as Bullion continued talking.
“I’m going to make sure MyQuiche is always up in the boardroom when I do my press after match interview. He could learn a lot.”
Troy nodded, knowing it was wiser not to say anything or risk being dragged into an after-game lecture.
“You’ll testify, won’t you?”
Troy shook his head. “About what?”
“Team formation,” answered Bullion.
Dee Gold walked up with two thick ropes around his neck. “David, what a great win. We are tops. Champion.”
Bullion’s exuberance on his choice of team and win was brought down to earth with his partner’s appearance. Yes, he was proud of showing Alsex the way to go, but he was more troubled by the thick, heavy ropes around Gold’s neck.
“What the hell happened?” asked Bullion.
“What?” Gold asked.
“What? Those things around your neck!” said Bullion pointing.
“They are my leashes for my new pets.”
“Pets? What are you on about?” asked Bullion.
“I have invested in beasts of burden to help with my new rum spirit venture. They can do a bit of work modeling on the pitch this weekend. They’re downstairs. Would you like to meet them? They will crush the cane in my new millhouse eventually, but I thought it would be a great idea to get them working straight away.”
Bullion shook his head in confusion.
“They are what?”
“My beasts of burden, my new employees that don’t ask or think, but do,” said Gold.
“And where are they?” asked Bullion.
“Downstairs in the tunnel, waiting till the crowd’s gone so they can cut the grass.”
Bullion didn’t believe what he was hearing but followed Gold down the stairs to his beasts.
“Bloody hell!” he said. “I thought you were joking.”
The animals stood in the tunnel blocking everything before them. Gold grabbed a tether from around his neck and harnessed the ox.
“This is O,” he said, introducing it to Bullion.
“Here, hold him,” he said, handing him the rope.
Bullion watched him pull a carrot from a plastic bag in his pocket.
“Come on Jack, I’ve got a nice carrot for you to eat.” He motioned to his donkey as it moved down the tunnel towards the pitch.
“Wait up, Jack, not yet. The crowd hasn’t left,” he said as he wet the tip of the carrot in his mouth and waved it in front of his ass.
The ass maneuvered itself back to the carrot and loosely nibbled at the moist end. Bullion liked equines and made himself accessible to the animal.
“Come on, Jack, that’s a good boy, turn all the way around.”
Gold pulled the other tether around the ox’s neck and yanked him closer.
“That’s a good chap,” he said.
The donkey settled back further inside the tunnel.
“Get off,” Bullion shouted moving away from the ass. “Look at it trying to eat my shoe.”
“Jack, come,” Gold commanded.
Bullion looked at him strangely. “Has something happened this week that I don’t know about?”
“Jack, I said come,” said Gold, pulling on the leash.
“He’s a beauty isn’t he?”
“If you say so,” answered Bullion.
“I do. I just got Jack from a breeder in Poitiers, a much sought after rarity, only 180 pure-bred in existence, according to The Livestock Breeds Conservancy.”
“But why have them here?” asked Bullion.
“You have your frog.”
“So?”
“So I decided I needed a pet around the place,” said Gold stroking his ass.
“But they’re animals, not pets. Who has an ox as a pet, or a donkey come to think of it? They’re working animals, not pets.”
“And they will work. They’ll start straight away as soon as this crowd has gone, but they’ll also be my pets as well.”
“I don’t think you understand what I said, Dee. Who has these type of animals as pets?”
“Loads of people, David. I was lucky to get Jack. He’s a purebred Baudet de Poitou. That’s French for donkey from Poitiers.”
“I don’t care what he is. You can’t be parading around the ground with feral animals.”
“He’s not, he’s very calm and level-headed.”
“No he’s not. He’s trying to eat my shoes. How is that acceptable conduct of a pet?”
“Well, you have yours, so I thought it was hog time I had mine.”
“Dee, it’s two, not one, and mine is a frog in a vivarium, a safe, enclosed glass box that he cannot escape from.”
Bullion looked down the tunnel at the ox blocking it.
“That bloody thing is massive and an accident waiting to happen. Look, even the donkey can’t turn around in here without banging his head.”
“You are so dramatic sometimes it’s not even funny. O is castrated and about as troublesome as a loose milk tooth. Give it a rest will you!”
“Dee, we can’t have an ox on the grounds or everyone will think it’s alright to bring the whole farm yard on match days.”
Gold chuckled to himself.
“What’s so funny?” asked Bullion.
“I almost bought an American bison called Chuck. Now he was big, even too big for me.”
Bullion shook his head. “You mean buffalo?”
“No, I mean bison. There’s a different between a buffalo and a bison.”
“What’s that then?” asked Bullion.
“You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.”
“How did you get thes
e things here anyway?”
“I have a trailer in the car park.”
“Is that your bloody thing taking up all the spaces? I wondered who that was. I thought it had something to do with the halftime entertainment. Let’s get them back on the truck please, Dee. We have to visit with our peers in the boardroom before they think we’re not coming and bugger off.”
“Righto David. You leave it to me to take care of the pets, and I’ll see you up there in a couple. Say hi to Barnie and Flavoflav for me. I’ll be up in a mo.”
Bullion looked at his partner wrestling with his ass and a massive ox.
“Why does that donkey have dreadlocks?” he shouted down the tunnel to Gold. “Did you have that done?”
“No, David, that’s all Jack. Smashing, isn’t it?”
“That’s hardly the way I’d describe him, but he does catch your eye especially with the stadium lighting.”
“What was the attendance today?”
“184,980.”
“That it?”
“Yep,” answered Gold, leading the two out of sight to the pitch.
Bullion liked the owners of QPRSTUVWXYZ; they were his kind of people. Barnie Ecclescake was controversial, full of stories, and loaded. His main partner was Flavoflav an eccentric gambler and brilliant businessman who knew how to tell the time.
Bullion liked the way they did business and answered their critics. To top it off, they made the smartest move in football by getting the fifth richest man in the world to join them on the board.
“Bulletproof,.Those two are bulletproof. Fancy being able to attract Licksheep Nettle?”
His mind wondered back to Gold and his heifer.
“Sod this. I don’t trust him to just walk those beasts back to the trailer. I know him. He’ll have them on the pitch with a ball just to spite me,” he said.
He popped his head round the end of the tunnel wall to see Gold encouraging the animals on to the pitch with a size five.
“Oye, caught you. I told you not to have them on the pitch. They’ll knacker up the grass.”
It was too late for Jack, as he had set about trimming the wing, but the ox was more focused on taking in the magnificent stadium. Bullion watched and looked around to see what had the attention of the ox.
“Come O,” said Gold to the ox. “Come,” he commanded louder. Like all large animals, O had his own idea on when he would be moving.
“Not doing as he’s told? Some pet you’ve got there,” said Bullion content.
Gold yanked the ropes of both and moved them a foot then gave up two as they compensated for the inconvenience.
“Want your daddy to give you a hand?” mocked Bullion.
Gold watched Bullion mimic him and pull at the ropes.
“Come on then, clever clogs, show me how it’s done.”
Bullion walked over on to the pitch and bowed to the Quattro Fianco Stadium before entering it. He sauntered around the animals, weighing them up and down, and stood directly behind Gold’s ass. “You first, rasta ass,” he said, lighting his lighter under its tail.
The donkey shot forward and kicked back, Bullion had anticipated this and sidestepped around the front and pulled hard on the leash. “Here. Keep the leash tight and walk her briskly to the trailer, while I keep the other one busy.”
Bullion teased the tether of the ox, lightly stroking the rope back and forth, gaining movement. “You’ve never had to deal with a serious stroker before have you?” he asked the docile beast.
“I used to do a bit on the farm growing up and getting the old heifers back to the barn at night was no problem for this old cowboy.”
Bullion was now patting and stroking the rump and aitchbone like they were old friends. “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt,” he continued, talking to the ox.
Gold came back and observed Bullion in this peculiar conversation with his pet.
“Erm okay, that’s enough, I understand what’s going on here.”
Bullion looked up, confused.
“David, yet again I have to remind you of the commandments? You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his servant, nor his ox.”
“I was bloody trying to help. Why would I be interested in a stupid ox? I’m coaxing it to the trailer and out of this bloody stadium.”
“Don’t come it,” said Gold commandingly. “You were interested in one before that was with the Toffees.”
“That was The Yak, and he’s a player not an animal.”
“Yak, ox, same thing. They’re all from the same family.”
“Yes, but Dee, he’s a player. That’s his name, Yak. Just like your name is Gold it doesn’t mean you are a precious metal, does it?”
“Don’t try and float that one by me. The Toffees have been known to have had one or two animals in the past.”
Bullion looked at his partner in dismay. “Dee, let’s get this ergonomically engineered masterpiece out of here so we can visit with the lads before they have to go.”
“Let’s go O.” Gold nodded, pulling hard on the beast.
Bullion pulled out his lighter and did his trick again.
“Oye hold on O, hold on,” said Gold, trying to control his Ox.
“What’s that smell?” asked Bullion.
“Oh,” said Gold.
“Don’t tell me he did, did he? Dee.”
“I’m afraid he did all over your legs.”
Bullion stepped away and back from the ox. “That’s it. I’m out of here. You’re on your own. Now I’ve got to go and change. What a palaver. I can’t believe I got involved with trying to help. No good deed goes unpunished.”
Gold got his beast tethered up in the trailer and headed upstairs to the boardroom to meet the match dignitaries and his old pals Barnie and Flav.
“How goes it, chaps? Sorry about the result, but good to see you again.”
“Hi Dee,” said Barnie. “How’s it going?”
“Ciao, che’ ora?” said Flav.
“Still obsessed with time then, Flav? You’ll never get it back. Once it’s gone it’s gone. Doesn’t matter what you wear round you neck.”
“Where’s Bully?” asked Barnie.
“Oh, he’s had a mishap. He’ll be up in a jiffy. He’s changing into something more comfortable.”
“You two sound like you’re married,” quipped Barnie.
Dee Gold smiled and let Barnie have his play.
“You wouldn’t fancy being my twin ring montego girl on the side would you, Barnie? David’s a lot of fun but he can get stale in the mouth over time,” he answered, leaning over his friend offering him a cake.
Barnie knew when to take a back seat.
“Thank you. What kind are they?” he asked, picking up a cake.
Gold smiled and passed the plate to FlavoFlav.
“A thousand thank yous,” said FlavoFlav, tucking in.
“You know, I’ve just acquired two new pets. Do you gents have pets?”
“Only in the bedroom,” said Barnie, helping himself to another cake.
“Wicked, he’s a wicked man,” smiled FlavoFlav.
“Yes he is,” said Gold.
“What kind of pets are they?” asked Barnie.
“Well,” said Gold. “They are not your ordinary pets. One’s an ox and the other one’s a donkey, but I might add and it is a big but. They’re huge, massive. The ox is a Chianina.”
“I know Chianinas. They’re white with black noses?” said FlavoFlav.
“Yes they are. How do you know?”
“I know all my girls, and she’s a massive, big girl. Much respect, Dee.”
Bullion came up, wearing a blue shell tracksuit and kicking a ball between his legs. “What’s up FlavoFlav? Barnie, my Louieville Slugger,” he said, hugging his friend.
“What did I miss?”
FlavoFlav nodded like he was getting high on the conversation. “Dee was telling us about his pets.”
Bullion nodded like he was
in on the joke. “Which one are we on about?”
“We are talking about the ox. She is a Chianina—a big girl.”
“Yes, she is a big girl, and she shits big too. Doesn’t she, Dee?” spoke Bullion.
Dee nodded apologetically. “Yes, I’m afraid she does.”
“Seems you gents have more in common than I realized,” said Barnie finishing the last cake. “Your round.”
Gold clapped a waiter over. “More Cake.”
Bullion juggled the ball between his feet. “ You know when they say the pet looks like the owner? Check out his donkey, spitting image. I kid you not.”
Barnie enjoyed the banter. “Is that why you got him Dee? A little bit of vanity creeping in with old age?”
“No, I got him for his heritage. He’s pure bloodstock. He’s a famous breed from Poitiers in France, lots of history, in fact, a very famous battleground in its day. You should look Poitiers up in the dictionary, very interesting and as David would agree, very cute.”
“He’s gone daft, ignore him. He’s just doing it because of my pet frog and the competition. That’s all.”
“You two have been busy in the off-season,” said Barnie.
“Yes,” both Dee and David said together.
CHAPTER NINE
PANCAKES AND COTTON CANDY
Brun Lea 1 Bitominge City 1
Brun Lea played a major part in the great industrial revolution, and the club itself has been at the same ground longer than any other club in the football league bar one. So you would expect them to have a lot of pride and fight. No one went to Brun Lea and thought they’d have a nice pleasant stroll around and leave with a quick, easy three points.
It was a hard place to come, and if you wanted something from there, it was clear you were going to have to work and fight for it. If only someone had said that to the Bitominge players before the game? They never turned up for seventy-five minutes, and then, with a bit more valor, they could have done the unthinkable.
But they didn’t, and a draw was probably the fairest result considering Brun Lea had most of the possession but managed to do very little with it except for their goal. Chalk it down to another pie a claret and a point away from home this season.
Bitominge City 1 Fake Tans 0
Back home and another three points from a stoppage time winner. This was beginning to become a bit of a habit, much to the delight of the owners. It wasn’t how they had imagined winning, but they’d take it any way they could. They were back atop the summit with this win. Besides, it was always nice to get one over Fake Tans who still had their Alan Whickers in a twist.