Kate had already dressed for bed, and her nightrobe fell open easily under his experienced fingers. He had to touch her, to feel her, to assure himself that she was there beneath him and he was there to make love to her. She was wearing a silky little confection of ice blue that tied at the shoulders and hugged her curves. It was the sort of gown designed to reduce men to liquid fire, and Anthony was no exception.
There was something desperately erotic about the feel of her warm skin through the silk, and his hands roamed over her body relentlessly, touching, squeezing, doing anything he could to bind her to him.
If he could have drawn her within him, he would have done it and kept her there forever.
“Anthony,” Kate gasped, in that brief moment when he removed his mouth from hers, “are you all right?”
“I want you,” he grunted, bunching her gown up around the tops of her legs. “I want you now.”
Her eyes widened with shock and excitement, and he sat up, straddling her, his weight on his knees so as not to crush her. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered. “So unbelievably gorgeous.”
Kate glowed at his words, and her hands went up to his face, smoothing her fingers over his faintly stubbled cheeks. He caught one of her hands and turned his face into it, kissing her palm as her other hand trailed down the muscled cords of his neck.
His fingers found the delicate straps at her shoulders, tied into loose bow-tie loops. It took the barest of tugs to release the knots, but once the silky fabric slid over her breasts, Anthony lost all semblance of patience, and he yanked at the garment until it pooled at her feet, leaving her completely and utterly naked under his gaze.
With a ragged groan he tore at his shirt, buttons flying as he pulled it off, and it took mere seconds to divest himself of his trousers. And then, when there was finally nothing in the bed but glorious skin, he covered her again, one muscular thigh nudging her legs apart.
“I can’t wait,” he said hoarsely. “I can’t make this good for you.”
Kate let out a fevered groan as she grabbed him by the hips, steering him toward her entrance. “It is good for me,” she gasped. “And I don’t want you to wait.”
And at that point, words ceased. Anthony let out a primitive, guttural cry as he plunged into her, burying himself fully with one long and powerful stroke. Kate’s eyes flew wide open, and her mouth formed a little Oh of surprise at the shock of his swift invasion. But she’d been ready for him—more than ready for him. Something about the relentless pace of his lovemaking had stirred a passion deep within her, until she needed him with a desperation that left her breathless.
They weren’t delicate, and they weren’t gentle. They were hot, and sweaty, and needy, and they held on to each other as if they could make time last forever by sheer force of will. When they climaxed, it was fiery and it was simultaneous, both their bodies arching as their cries of release mingled in the night.
But when they were done, curled in each other’s arms as they fought for control over their labored breath, Kate closed her eyes in bliss and surrendered to an overwhelming lassitude.
Anthony did not.
He stared at her as she drifted off, then watched her as she slumbered. He watched the way her eyes sometimes moved under her sleepy eyelids. He measured the pace of her breathing by counting the gentle rise and fall of her chest. He listened for each sigh, each mumble.
There were certain memories a man wanted to sear on his brain, and this was one of them.
But just when he was sure that she was totally and completely asleep, she made a funny, warm sort of noise as she snuggled more deeply into his embrace, and her eyelids fluttered slowly open.
“You’re still awake,” she murmured, her voice scratchy and mellow with sleep.
He nodded, wondering if he was holding her too tightly. He didn’t want to let go. He never wanted to let go.
“You should sleep,” she said.
He nodded again, but he couldn’t seem to make his eyes close.
She yawned. “This is nice.”
He kissed her forehead, making an “Mmmm” sound of agreement.
She arched her neck and kissed him back, full on the lips, then settled into her pillow. “I hope we’ll be like this always,” she murmured, yawning yet again as sleep overtook her. “Always and forever.”
Anthony froze.
Always.
She couldn’t know what that word meant to him. Five years? Six? Maybe seven or eight.
Forever.
That was a word that had no meaning, something he simply couldn’t comprehend.
Suddenly he couldn’t breathe.
The coverlet felt like a brick wall atop him, and the air grew thick.
He had to get out of there. He had to go. He had to—
He vaulted from the bed, and then, stumbling and choking, he reached for his clothes, tossed so recklessly to the floor, and started thrusting his limbs into the appropriate holes.
“Anthony?”
His head jerked up. Kate was pushing herself upright in the bed, yawning. Even in the dim light, he could see that her eyes were confused. And hurt.
“Are you all right?” she asked.
He gave her one curt nod.
“Then why are you trying to put your leg into the armhole of your shirt?”
He looked down and bit off a curse he’d never before even considered uttering in front of a female. With yet another choice expletive, he balled the offending piece of linen into a wrinkled mess and threw it on the floor, pausing for barely a second before yanking his trousers on.
“Where are you going?” Kate asked anxiously.
“I have to go out,” he grunted.
“Now?”
He didn’t answer because he didn’t know how to answer.
“Anthony?” She stepped out of bed and reached for him, but a split second before her hand touched his cheek he flinched, stumbling backward until his back hit the bedpost. He saw the hurt on her face, the pain of his rejection, but he knew that if she touched him in tenderness, he’d be lost.
“Damn it all,” he bit off. “Where the hell are my shirts?”
“In your dressing room,” she said nervously. “Where they always are.”
He stalked off in search of a fresh shirt, unable to bear the sound of her voice. No matter what she said, he kept hearing always and forever.
And it was killing him.
When he emerged from his dressing room, coat and shoes on their proper places on his body, Kate was on her feet, pacing the floor and anxiously fidgeting with the wide blue sash on her dressing gown.
“I have to go,” he said tonelessly.
She didn’t make a sound, which was what he’d thought he wanted, but instead he just found himself standing there, waiting for her to speak, unable to move until she did.
“When will you be back?” she finally asked.
“Tomorrow.”
“That’s…good.”
He nodded. “I can’t be here,” he blurted out. “I have to go.”
She swallowed convulsively. “Yes,” she said, her voice achingly small, “you’ve said as much.”
And then, without a backward glance and without a clue as to where he was going, he left.
Kate walked slowly to the bed and stared at it. Somehow it seemed wrong to climb in alone, to pull the covers around her and make a little huddle of one. She thought she should cry, but no tears pricked her eyes. So finally she moved to the window, pushed aside the drapes, and stared out, surprising herself with a soft prayer for a storm.
Anthony was gone, and while she was certain he’d return in body, she was not so confident about his spirit. And she realized that she needed something—she needed the storm—to prove to herself that she could be strong, by herself and for herself.
She didn’t want to be alone, but she might not have a choice in that matter. Anthony seemed determined to maintain a distance. There were demons within him—demons she feared he would never ch
oose to face in her presence.
But if she was destined to be alone, even with a husband at her side, then by God she’d be alone and strong.
Weakness, she thought as she let her forehead rest against the smooth, cool glass of her window, never got anyone anywhere.
Anthony had no recollection of his off-balance stumble through the house, but somehow he found himself tripping down the front steps, made slippery by the light fog that hung in the air. He crossed the street, not having a clue where he was going, only knowing that he needed to be away. But when he reached the opposite pavement, some devil within him forced his eyes upward toward his bedroom window.
He shouldn’t have seen her was his rather inane thought. She should have been in bed or the drapes should have been pulled or he should have been halfway to his club by now.
But he did see her and the dull ache in his chest grew sharper, more viciously unrelenting. His heart felt as if it had been sliced wide open—and he had the most unsettling sensation that the hand wielding the knife had been his own.
He watched her for a minute—or maybe it was an hour. He didn’t think she saw him; nothing in her posture gave any indication that she was aware of his presence. She was too far away for him to see her face, but he rather thought her eyes were closed.
Probably hoping it doesn’t storm, he thought, glancing up at the murky sky. She’d most likely be out of luck. The mist and fog were already coalescing into drops of moisture on his skin, and it seemed only a quick transition to out-and-out rain.
He knew he should leave, but some invisible cord kept him rooted to the spot. Even after she’d left her position at the window, he remained in place, staring up at the house. The pull back inside was nearly impossible to deny. He wanted to run back into the house, fall to his knees before her, and beg her forgiveness. He wanted to sweep her into his arms and make love to her until the first streaks of dawn touched the sky. But he knew he couldn’t do any of those things.
Or maybe it was that he shouldn’t. He just didn’t know anymore.
And so, after standing frozen in place for nearly an hour, after the rain came, after the wind blew gusts of chilly air down the street, Anthony finally left.
He left, not feeling the cold, not feeling the rain, which had begun to fall with surprising force.
He left, not feeling anything.
Chapter 21
It has been whispered that Lord and Lady Bridgerton were forced to marry, but even if that is true, This Author refuses to believe that theirs is anything but a love match.
LADY WHISTLEDOWN’S SOCIETY PAPERS, 15 JUNE 1814
It was strange, Kate thought as she looked at the morning repast laid upon the side table in the small dining room, how one could feel utterly famished and at the same time have no appetite. Her stomach was rumbling and churning, demanding food now, and yet everything—from the eggs to the scones to the kippers to the roast pork—looked awful.
With a dejected sigh, she reached for a solitary triangle of toast and sank into her chair with a cup of tea.
Anthony had not come home last night.
Kate took a nibble of the toast and forced it down. She’d been hoping that he might at least make an appearance in time for breakfast. She’d delayed the meal as long as she could—it was already nearly eleven in the morning and she usually ate at nine—but her husband was still absent.
“Lady Bridgerton?”
Kate looked up and blinked. A footman was standing before her bearing a small cream-colored envelope.
“This arrived for you a few minutes ago,” he said.
Kate murmured her thanks and reached for the envelope, which had been secured with a neat dollop of pale pink sealing wax. Bringing it closer to her eyes, she made out the initials EOB. One of Anthony’s relations? The E would be Eloise, of course, since all of the Bridgertons had been named in alphabetical order.
Kate carefully broke the seal and slipped out the contents—a single piece of paper, neatly folded in half.
Kate—
Anthony is here. He looks a wreck. It is, of course, none of my business, but I thought you might like to know.
Eloise
Kate stared at the note a few seconds longer, then shoved her chair back and stood. It was time she paid a call upon Bridgerton House.
Much to Kate’s surprise, when she knocked at Bridgerton House, the door was swung open not by the butler but by Eloise, who immediately said, “That was fast!”
Kate looked around the hall, half expecting another Bridgerton sibling or two to jump out at her. “Were you waiting for me?”
Eloise nodded. “And you don’t have to knock at the door, you know. Bridgerton House belongs to Anthony, after all. And you are his wife.”
Kate smiled weakly. She didn’t feel much like a wife this morning.
“I hope you don’t think me a hopeless meddler,” Eloise continued, linking her arm through Kate’s and guiding her down the hall, “but Anthony does look awful, and I had a sneaking suspicion you didn’t know he was here.”
“Why would you think that?” Kate couldn’t help asking.
“Well,” Eloise said, “he didn’t go to any great pains to tell any of us that he was here.”
Kate eyed her sister-in-law suspiciously. “Meaning?”
Eloise had the grace to blush a faint pink. “Meaning, ah, that the only reason I know he’s here is that I was spying upon him. I don’t think my mother even knows he’s in residence.”
Kate felt her eyelids blink in rapid succession. “You’ve been spying upon us?”
“No, of course not. But I happened to be up and about rather early this morning, and I heard someone come in, and so I went to investigate and I saw light coming from under the door in his study.”
“How, then, do you know he looks awful?”
Eloise shrugged. “I figured he’d have to emerge eventually to eat or relieve himself, so I waited on the steps for an hour or so—”
“Or so?” Kate echoed.
“Or three,” Eloise admitted. “It’s really not that long when one is interested in one’s subject, and besides, I had a book with me to while away the time.”
Kate shook her head in reluctant admiration. “What time did he come in last night?”
“Around four or so.”
“What were you doing up so late?”
Eloise shrugged again. “I couldn’t sleep. I often can’t. I’d gone down to get a book to read from the library. Finally, at around seven—well, I suppose it was a bit before seven, so it wasn’t quite three hours I waited—”
Kate began to feel dizzy.
“—he emerged. He didn’t head in the direction of the breakfast room, so I can only assume it was for other reasons. After a minute or two, he reemerged and headed back into his study. Where,” Eloise finished with a flourish, “he has been ever since.”
Kate stared at her for a good ten seconds. “Have you ever considered offering your services to the War Department?”
Eloise grinned, a smile so like Anthony’s Kate almost cried. “As a spy?” she asked.
Kate nodded.
“I’d be brilliant, don’t you think?”
“Superb.”
Eloise gave Kate a spontaneous hug. “I’m so glad you married my brother. Now go and see what is wrong.”
Kate nodded, straightened her shoulders, and took a step toward Anthony’s study. Turning around, she pointed a finger at Eloise and said, “You will not be listening at the door.”
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Eloise replied.
“I mean it, Eloise!”
Eloise sighed. “It’s time I went up to bed, anyway. I could use a nap after staying up all night.”
Kate waited until the younger girl had disappeared up the stairs, then made her way to Anthony’s study door. She put her hand on the knob, whispering, “Don’t be locked,” as she gave it a twist. To her extreme relief, it turned, and the door swung open.
“Anthony?” she c
alled out. Her voice was soft and hesitant, and she found she didn’t like the sound of it. She wasn’t used to being soft and hesitant.
There was no reply, so Kate stepped farther into the room. The drapes were tightly closed, and the heavy velvet admitted little light. Kate scanned the room until her eyes fell on the figure of her husband, slouched over his desk, sound asleep.
Kate walked quietly across the room to the windows and pulled the drapes partway open. She didn’t want to blind Anthony when he woke up, but at the same time, she wasn’t going to conduct such an important conversation in the dark. Then she walked back over to his desk and gently shook his shoulder.
“Anthony?” she whispered. “Anthony?”
His reply was closer to a snore than anything else.
Frowning impatiently, she shook a little harder. “Anthony?” she said softly. “Anthon—”
“Yibbledeedad—!” He came awake in one sudden movement, an incoherent rush of speech bursting forth as his torso snapped upright.
Kate watched as he blinked himself into coherency, then focused on her. “Kate,” he said, his voice hoarse and husky with sleep and something else—maybe alcohol. “What are you doing here?”
“What are you doing here?” she countered. “The last time I checked, we lived nearly a mile away.”
“I didn’t want to disturb you,” he mumbled.
Kate didn’t believe that for one second, but she decided not to argue the point. Instead, she opted for the direct approach and asked, “Why did you leave last night?”
A long stretch of silence was followed by a weary, tired sigh, and Anthony finally said, “It’s complicated.”
Kate fought the urge to cross her arms. “I’m an intelligent woman,” she said in a purposefully even voice. “I’m generally able to grasp complex concepts.”
Anthony didn’t look pleased by her sarcasm. “I don’t want to go into this now.”
“When do you want to go into it?”
“Go home, Kate,” he said softly.
“Do you plan to come with me?”