Shock of the century. Last time Char had drunk that much wine in the course of twenty minutes she’d found herself face down in a dog bed next to a lab named Lucifer, who’d clearly taken advantage of her all night if the hair in her mouth was any indication.
“Carry them?” Grandma Nadine smiled so sweetly Char had no choice but to oblige. Which was exactly how she found herself at baggage claim an hour later with Beth, Grandma, and a swollen Jake in tow.
Chapter Five
The sunglasses weren’t helping. Staggering to the baggage claim, Jake tried the best he could to keep his eyes focused on the carousel; the minute his bags came he was bailing. Grandma was a grown woman. She could find her own damn hotel, and if he had to face Char again he’d either lose his mind and do something crazy, like stare at her lips, or strangle her. Truly, it was a toss-up at this point.
“Jake?” Grandma called to him. “Jake, did you find my bag yet?”
“No,” he ground out, “probably because I’m not looking for it. I’m looking for my bag. You can find your bags and go to the nice little hotel you always like in downtown Seattle.”
Grandma grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Oh, I already have a place to stay!”
“Fantastic.”
Grandma released his hand and pulled out her cell phone. “Yes, just the one limo, please. Perfect. Yes, we have two passengers.”
She waved to Char and another girl. Char ignored him completely, which was fine; he didn’t want to even remember this day had occurred. He walked to the other side of the baggage claim and watched as Char and the girl with her grabbed their bags and walked off. Good riddance. He just wanted to go to sleep.
On the bright side, at least Grandma was getting him a limo. It wasn’t that he was poor or anything, but being cut off from a multi-million dollar company wasn’t exactly a mark in his favor, not after living the lifestyle he’d been living for the past five years. He’d partied through college, spent money like there was no tomorrow, and didn’t care about anything except himself. Which would’ve been fine by him if the money hadn’t suddenly run out. Well, not run out, to be fair. He was still a millionaire, but without his inheritance from Grandma things were going to be tighter than normal. Good-bye impromptu flights to the Grand Caymans, penthouse suites, and six-figure birthday bashes.
This year was the year he was supposed to have taken over the company.
Instead, his grandmother had jumped out of retirement and taken full control of the board again, leaving Jake as a measly vice president. Without the paycheck of a CEO he was feeling a bit… ungrateful. Or maybe just irritated? He wasn’t sure. But he needed a strong drink and sex before he could even think about going to work come Monday morning. Maybe Sarah would be available? Or Natasha? She’d been fun for a while.
“There it is!” Grandma nudged Jake toward the giant pink leopard bag. “Grab it! Hurry!”
With a grunt he lifted it off the carousel and nearly toppled over. “What the hell do you have in there?”
“Oh, you know…” Grandma waved him off. “A girl can never be without her traveling outfits and makeup.”
“Right.” He saw his bag and grabbed it. “So where’s the limo?”
“What limo?” She pulled her dark Chanel sunglasses from her purse.
“The limo,” Jake repeated. Exhaustion from the plane ordeal was really getting to him. “You were just on the phone and you said you got a limo for two people. Where is it?”
“Jake, I’m sure there are lots of limos that fit more than two people in them, and to be honest, I have no idea where one is. I texted instructions to the driver to call Char and her sister.”
“Why the hell would you do that?”
“Because the poor dear was exhausted!” Grandma’s mouth dropped open as she pointed her finger in Jake’s face. “After everything you put her through! And to think! A thank-you note? For what? An orgasm? Do young men truly do that these days?” Grandma scowled. “Poor thing doesn’t even remember sleeping with you. I’d say you’ve lost your touch—I doubt you had it in the first place.”
“What?” Jake snapped. “What the hell are you talking about? I can pleasure anyone, anywhere! I’m damned good at giving orgasms!”
A few snickers ensued around him as Grandma patted his arm patronizingly. “Of course you are, dear.” She mouthed “sorry” to the people behind them and linked her arm in his.
What the hell? Char didn’t remember sleeping with him? At all? Seriously? Was she insane? He remembered every single detail. From her soft hair, that smelled faintly of lavender, to the little sounds she’d made in the back of her throat when he kissed her. And her taste… Damn, a man could never forget the way a woman tasted, and everything about Char was unique, purely hers. It had taken him months to forget the way she tasted, how she clenched the sheets between her fingers and then used those same wicked hands to touch Jake—
“I know exactly how you feel,” Grandma whispered into his ear. “I always get a little randy when I fly, too. You’ll get over it. Now can we please leave before people see that the excitement of airports turns you on? It’s bad enough that you yelled ‘orgasm’. The Lord above knows I’ve exercised enough patience with you today.”
“What—?”
“Jake, a grandma knows. It’s fine. Well, when I was your age…” She chuckled. “One time me and your grandfather went into the airport bathroom—they were smaller then, you know—well, I had red heels on and they made me the perfect height for—”
“Grandma, please, I beg you: don’t tell me what for. It’s bad enough that my imagination is running rampant. I just… I need this day to be over. I need to get some sleep before work, okay? Let’s just get you to wherever you’re staying so I can get home.”
Grandma shrugged and breezed by him to the outdoors. She raised her hand for a taxi and gave him instructions while Jake helped haul the luggage into the back.
Once the taxi was on the I-5 he finally relaxed. Grandma sat silently next to him, her eyes on the Seattle landscape. He knew this was her favorite city in the world. For good reason, too. The air was crisp and even the bustling metropolis was surrounded by forest.
Suddenly it occurred to him: When was the last time he’d even gone for a hike or appreciated the city he lived in? That would be never. Shit, he needed a vacation.
Within ten minutes Grandma was snoring. At least she’d stopped yelling obscenities. With his luck, she’d start talking about her red heels or orgasms again. Aw, hell. He’d never look at red heels the same way again.
He clicked through his phone messages. A few from Aileen, where she’d misspelled words anyone her age should know how to spell. If a woman struggled just sending a text, perhaps she wasn’t dating material for him. Not that he’d ever tell Grandma she was right, lest she hold it over his head for the rest of his life.
The last text was from Travis.
Moved up wedding date. No waiting. Kacey and mom unstoppable. Be ready in two weeks, best man!
“Shit!” Jake slammed the phone against the seat and cursed again.
Grandma stirred but didn’t wake.
How the hell was he supposed to face Kacey and Travis after everything? He’d been best friends with Kacey his whole life and then… things changed; he changed, she changed. People changed, right? It was normal to move on! It was normal to outgrow friends. What wasn’t normal was sleeping with then abandoning them. Clearly Jake had an issue with commitment. He hated the way women whined in the morning. They were like clingy death traps. All legs wrapped around his, lips on his back—no. He hated it. He only wanted that one moment. He refused to give more.
Because in the end, when you gave more, people left you, just like Kacey’s parents had left her. They’d died the night he’d taken her virginity. He’d never gotten the chance to apologize for disrespecting their daughter. But what was worse—he’d never been able to say good-bye to the two people he owed everything in the world to. The only two people in t
he universe that knew about what he had done back in high school—they’d saved his life. And now… now they were gone.
The idea of going to the wedding put a bad taste in his mouth. Kacey had no father to walk her down the aisle, and she deserved that more than anyone. The worst part was Jake had been just fine living his life until he’d mistakenly pleaded with Kace to be his fake fiancé for a weekend. He had never expected himself to be so affected by her. But the final blow to his pride was Kacey falling for his older brother—the same older brother who used to chuck rocks at her and had a stutter. How was that fair?
He wanted to have his shit together for the wedding. He had to. After all, appearances and money… Really, those were the only two things he had. He knew he didn’t deserve anyone’s love and he never really asked for it. He just hoped that his false security lasted long enough to get him through the next two weeks and to his best man duties.
Shit. Now he needed to start over and find a girl willing to be his date for the wedding. By the looks of Aileen’s colorful text messages, she would be out. The girl before Aileen had reminded him of Kacey so she was out as well.
He felt a headache coming on, but ignored it as the taxi took the next exit. His exit. The exit toward Lake Washington. He shrugged; maybe Grandma was getting dropped off after him.
Once the taxi pulled up to Jake’s house on the lake, he hopped out and grabbed his bags and turned toward the door. It wouldn’t be nice to wake up Grandma. After all, she was in a dead sleep.
Did that make him a bad person? It wasn’t as if the taxi driver was going to kill her or anything. After all, who would kill a sweet old lady with drool running down her—
“Ta, ta! Thank you!” Grandma yelled.
Praying for the first time in years, Jake turned to see his grandmother, bags in tow, waving to the disappearing taxi.
Just as Jake was getting ready to open his mouth she announced. “Get my bags! I’m fatigued. Where’s my phone? Have you seen my phone, Jake?” She dug around in her giant purse and finally pulled out the zebra covered iPhone.
No. Hell no. She was staying with him? For how long? Please God not up until the wedding not—
“Oh my heavens! The wedding is in two weeks. That gives us plenty of time!”
“Time?” God was punishing him; either that or Grandma was possessed. Truly it was a tossup.
“Yes.” Grandma’s smile softened as she reached for Jake’s hand and kissed the top of it. “Time to ruin you.”
“Ruin?” Jake chuckled as he pulled his hand back. “I’d rather stay… um, un-ruined. Thanks, though.”
“Have it your way.” Grandma shrugged. “Oh, and Jake?”
“What?” He grunted as he lifted her heavy suitcase toward the stairs.
“You’re fired.”
The suitcase dropped out of his hands. Black spots appeared in his line of vision as he repeated, “Fired?”
Chapter Six
“I need a drink,” Char announced once she and Beth were safely at their shared apartment on Queen Anne Hill. “Scratch that. I need ten drinks and a sedative.”
“So what?” Beth opened the wine bottle and pulled out two glasses. “You were arrested and zip-tied to some hot man candy. Really, there are worse things in the world.”
“You mean like going into anaphylactic shock and having your grandmother stab a needle next to your man parts?” Char chuckled and took a sip of merlot. “That part, I enjoyed.”
“Yeah, well, hopefully Grandma has good aim and Jake can still sire children after that little escapade. How the heck did I sleep through it?”
Char shrugged. “No idea. At any rate, I’m glad it’s over.”
“Right.” Beth snorted. “And I don’t stalk Damon Salvatore on Twitter.”
“Not his real name, Beth.”
“Don’t kill the dream, Char.”
Char sighed and leaned against the table. “I was totally fine; seeing him again, I mean. No flashbacks of that crazy night we shared, no lustful thoughts or feelings, or—”
Beth’s eyebrows arched. “Oh, do continue. It was just getting good.”
“It wasn’t good. It was awful.”
Smirking, Beth tipped back her glass and swallowed. “So you’ve said, over and over and over—”
“Can we just…” Char waved into the air. “Drop it? It’s not like I’ll ever see him again.” Then again he’d probably be in Kacey’s wedding, not that it mattered. He’d be lucky to see past the whiskey haze and the women hanging all over his arms. Right; like he’d pry himself away from skank long enough to make her life a living hell. It wouldn’t be a problem, because she wasn’t going to let it be a problem. So what? If they were both in the wedding, she’d just avoid him at all costs. Hell, she’d drug him if she had to. No way was she letting him near her.
“You’d better hope that’s the case, because next time it’s not gonna be Grandma I’m worried about, but you.”
“Please, he’s like the opposite of sexy.”
“Careful, Pinocchio; wouldn’t want your overly large nose getting in the way of your wine glass.” With that, Beth left the kitchen.
Please. Like Jake mattered at all. So what if he was attractive? He knew it, and that was the problem. He’d always known it. He was a selfish bastard and she wasn’t going to fall for him again. She wouldn’t let herself, because that tragic story always ended badly. With a pint of Rocky Road and a bottle of wine, watching Downton Abbey on Netflix.
Chapter Seven
The madness had to stop. Grandma had only been staying with him a day—a DAY—and in the course of 24 hours she had thrown his life so off balance that he’d probably be in a mental institution come Friday.
Grandma woke him up at two a.m.
Her reason? She thought she’d seen a Huntsman’s spider. Right. A spider that, according to his Internet search, was native only to Australia. But when Jake brought that little bit of information up, Grandma had shouted that she’d been to Australia a few months ago and it was possible that a spider had crawled into her bag and hatched eggs.
Truly, it was Jake’s fault that he even engaged his grandma. His question had been simple—why the hell would a spider choose her bag? Out of all the bags in the world, it had chosen hers? Not likely.
Her response? Because it’s shiny and everyone knows spiders like shiny things. She then proceeded to thrust a flashlight in his face and make him search the house for said spider.
By four a.m., Jake was ready to cut off his own ears. Apparently, Grandma had a snoring problem.
Six a.m. was even worse. Grandma did yoga. Jake was given the opportunity to discover this firsthand, when Grandma proceeded to put on her yoga DVD, blaring it throughout the surround sound in the house. Which really wouldn’t have been so bad had she told him it was a type of stripper yoga for elderly woman, aka Cougars.
Her workout shirt had the picture of a cougar on it. Big shock there.
Finally. Jake locked his door.
But Grandma was relentless. After some banging and a loud clang, his door came off the hinges. “Jake? Oh goodness! I thought you’d died!”
“God isn’t that just. Believe me. I’ve begged.”
“Oh, Jake.” Grandma plopped on his bed. “Chin up! Think of me firing you as an extended vacation.”
“Except…” Jake growled. “It’s not. I’m jobless. I have no career, no money, I have nothing, and you’re downstairs doing damn cougar yoga as if the sun is still shining!”
Grandma paused and then went over to the window and thrust open the curtains. “But the sun is shining… and it’s a beautiful day. I think if you just go outside for a run, you’ll realize how nice it is to be on vacation.”
“Fired,” Jake corrected her.
“Vacation,” Grandma said sternly. “Now, I’m going to go shopping with that nice young girl from yesterday. She’s Kacey’s maid of honor and we only have two weeks to—”
“Wait.” Jake jolted out of bed. “Bac
k up. Who’s Kacey’s maid of honor?”
“That nice young girl who saved your life yesterday. She and Kacey have been friends for ages! She was in Portland with her sister for a quick vacation and considering it was just family, except for your whore, at the engagement party, she wasn’t present.”
“But—”
“Now!” Grandma clapped. “Go enjoy your day off and I’m going to shop!”
“But—”
“And put some damn clothes on, son. You ain’t got nobody to impress in this house.”
With that, Grandma marched out of his room, leaving his unhinged door lying against the wall and Jake staring after her wondering if he’d in fact be arrested for assaulting an elderly woman.
Fired.
No more family money.
And he had to go to his brother’s wedding in two weeks.
With a woman he’d scorned not once, but twice in his life.
Maybe he’d carry some peanuts, just in case he needed an easy escape… or a new way to meet his maker, since apparently God was keen on keeping Jake on earth so he could torture him for the rest of his days.
Chapter Eight
“It’s brown.” Char blinked a few times at her reflection in the mirror. “Why is the dress brown?” Had she really taken a sick day in order to go shopping and feel fat and depressed in a bridesmaid’s dress?
“Because that’s the color, dear.” Grandma Nadine sipped on her champagne and tilted her head. “But it is atrocious. Do you think Kacey was confused about the color?”
“God, I hope so.” Char shuddered at her reflection. The dress was an awkward brownish orange, as if it was a tree turning colors in the fall but had forgotten exactly what color it was supposed to be turning into and just decided on ugliness as a last resort. It was strapless and form-fitting until it hit her hips, and then it flared out so wide that she looked like a poor excuse for Marie Antoinette.
If this was what that poor woman had been forced to wear, no wonder she was beheaded. Char sighed as Grandma pulled out her cell phone.