CHAPTER XI.
GWYNPLAINE THINKS JUSTICE, AND URSUS TALKS TRUTH.
A philosopher is a spy. Ursus, a watcher of dreams, studied his pupil.
Our monologues leave on our brows a faint reflection, distinguishable tothe eye of a physiognomist. Hence what occurred to Gwynplaine did notescape Ursus. One day, as Gwynplaine was meditating, Ursus pulled him byhis jacket, and exclaimed,--
"You strike me as being an observer! You fool! Take care; it is nobusiness of yours. You have one thing to do--to love Dea. You have twocauses of happiness--the first is, that the crowd sees your muzzle; thesecond is, that Dea does not. You have no right to the happiness youpossess, for no woman who saw your mouth would consent to your kiss; andthat mouth which has made your fortune, and that face which has givenyou riches, are not your own. You were not born with that countenance.It was borrowed from the grimace which is at the bottom of the infinite.You have stolen your mask from the devil. You are hideous; be satisfiedwith having drawn that prize in the lottery. There are in this world(and a very good thing too) the happy by right and the happy by luck.You are happy by luck. You are in a cave wherein a star is enclosed. Thepoor star belongs to you. Do not seek to leave the cave, and guard yourstar, O spider! You have in your web the carbuncle, Venus. Do me thefavour to be satisfied. I see your dreams are troubled. It is idiotic ofyou. Listen; I am going to speak to you in the language of true poetry.Let Dea eat beefsteaks and mutton chops, and in six months she will beas strong as a Turk; marry her immediately, give her a child, twochildren, three children, a long string of children. That is what I callphilosophy. Moreover, it is happiness, which is no folly. To havechildren is a glimpse of heaven. Have brats--wipe them, blow theirnoses, dirt them, wash them, and put them to bed. Let them swarm aboutyou. If they laugh, it is well; if they howl, it is better--to cry is tolive. Watch them suck at six months, crawl at a year, walk at two, growtall at fifteen, fall in love at twenty. He who has these joys haseverything For myself, I lacked the advantage; and that is the reasonwhy I am a brute. God, a composer of beautiful poems and the first ofmen of letters, said to his fellow-workman, Moses, 'Increase andmultiply.' Such is the text. Multiply, you beast! As to the world, it isas it is; you cannot make nor mar it. Do not trouble yourself about it.Pay no attention to what goes on outside. Leave the horizon alone. Acomedian is made to be looked at, not to look. Do you know what there isoutside? The happy by right. You, I repeat, are the happy by chance. Youare the pickpocket of the happiness of which they are the proprietors.They are the legitimate possessors; you are the intruder. You live inconcubinage with luck. What do you want that you have not already?Shibboleth help me! This fellow is a rascal. To multiply himself by Deawould be pleasant, all the same. Such happiness is like a swindle. Thoseabove who possess happiness by privilege do not like folks below them tohave so much enjoyment. If they ask you what right you have to be happy,you will not know what to answer. You have no patent, and they have.Jupiter, Allah, Vishnu, Sabaoth, it does not matter who, has given themthe passport to happiness. Fear them. Do not meddle with them, lest theyshould meddle with you. Wretch! do you know what the man is who is happyby right? He is a terrible being. He is a lord. A lord! He must haveintrigued pretty well in the devil's unknown country before he wasborn, to enter life by the door he did. How difficult it must have beento him to be born! It is the only trouble he has given himself; but,just heavens, what a one!--to obtain from destiny, the blind blockhead,to mark him in his cradle a master of men. To bribe the box-keeper togive him the best place at the show. Read the memoranda in the old hut,which I have placed on half-pay. Read that breviary of my wisdom, andyou will see what it is to be a lord. A lord is one who has all and isall. A lord is one who exists above his own nature. A lord is one whohas when young the rights of an old man; when old, the success inintrigue of a young one; if vicious, the homage of respectable people;if a coward, the command of brave men; if a do-nothing, the fruits oflabour; if ignorant, the diploma of Cambridge or Oxford; if a fool, theadmiration of poets; if ugly, the smiles of women; if a Thersites, thehelm of Achilles; if a hare, the skin of a lion. Do not misunderstand mywords. I do not say that a lord must necessarily be ignorant, a coward,ugly, stupid, or old. I only mean that he may be all those thingswithout any detriment to himself. On the contrary. Lords are princes.The King of England is only a lord, the first peer of the peerage; thatis all, but it is much. Kings were formerly called lords--the Lord ofDenmark, the Lord of Ireland, the Lord of the Isles. The Lord of Norwaywas first called king three hundred years ago. Lucius, the most ancientking in England, was spoken to by Saint Telesphonis as my Lord Lucius.The lords are peers--that is to say, equals--of whom? Of the king. I donot commit the mistake of confounding the lords with parliament. Theassembly of the people which the Saxons before the Conquest called_wittenagemote_, the Normans, after the Conquest, entitled_parliamentum_. By degrees the people were turned out. The king'sletters clause convoking the Commons, addressed formerly _ad conciliumimpendendum_, are now addressed _ad consentiendum_. To say yes is theirliberty. The peers can say no; and the proof is that they have said it.The peers can cut off the king's head. The people cannot. The stroke ofthe hatchet which decapitated Charles I. is an encroachment, not on theking, but on the peers, and it was well to place on the gibbet thecarcass of Cromwell. The lords have power. Why? Because they haveriches. Who has turned over the leaves of the Doomsday Book? It is theproof that the lords possess England. It is the registry of the estatesof subjects, compiled under William the Conqueror; and it is in thecharge of the Chancellor of the Exchequer. To copy anything in it youhave to pay twopence a line. It is a proud book. Do you know that I wasdomestic doctor to a lord, who was called Marmaduke, and who hadthirty-six thousand a year? Think of that, you hideous idiot! Do youknow that, with rabbits only from the warrens of Earl Lindsay, theycould feed all the riffraff of the Cinque Ports? And the good orderkept! Every poacher is hung. For two long furry ears sticking out of agame bag I saw the father of six children hanging on the gibbet. Such isthe peerage. The rabbit of a great lord is of more importance than God'simage in a man.
"Lords exist, you trespasser, do you see? and we must think it good thatthey do; and even if we do not, what harm will it do them? The peopleobject, indeed! Why? Plautus himself would never have attained thecomicality of such an idea. A philosopher would be jesting if he advisedthe poor devil of the masses to cry out against the size and weight ofthe lords. Just as well might the gnat dispute with the foot of anelephant. One day I saw a hippopotamus tread upon a molehill; he crushedit utterly. He was innocent. The great soft-headed fool of a mastodondid not even know of the existence of moles. My son, the moles that aretrodden on are the human race. To crush is a law. And do you think thatthe mole himself crushes nothing? Why, it is the mastodon of thefleshworm, who is the mastodon of the globeworm. But let us ceasearguing. My boy, there are coaches in the world; my lord is inside, thepeople under the wheels; the philosopher gets out of the way. Standaside, and let them pass. As to myself, I love lords, and shun them. Ilived with one; the beauty of my recollections suffices me. I rememberhis country house, like a glory in a cloud. My dreams are allretrospective. Nothing could be more admirable than Marmaduke Lodge ingrandeur, beautiful symmetry, rich avenues, and the ornaments andsurroundings of the edifice. The houses, country seats, and palaces ofthe lords present a selection of all that is greatest and mostmagnificent in this flourishing kingdom. I love our lords. I thank themfor being opulent, powerful, and prosperous. I myself am clothed inshadow, and I look with interest upon the shred of heavenly blue whichis called a lord. You enter Marmaduke Lodge by an exceedingly spaciouscourtyard, which forms an oblong square, divided into eight spaces, eachsurrounded by a balustrade; on each side is a wide approach, and asuperb hexagonal fountain plays in the midst; this fountain is formed oftwo basins, which are surmounted by a dome of exquisite openwork,elevated on six columns. It was there that I knew a learned Frenchman,Monsieur l'Abbe du Cros, who belonged to the Jacobin monastery
in theRue Saint Jacques. Half the library of Erpenius is at Marmaduke Lodge,the other half being at the theological gallery at Cambridge. I used toread the books, seated under the ornamented portal. These things areonly shown to a select number of curious travellers. Do you know, youridiculous boy, that William North, who is Lord Grey of Rolleston, andsits fourteenth on the bench of Barons, has more forest trees on hismountains than you have hairs on your horrible noddle? Do you know thatLord Norreys of Rycote, who is Earl of Abingdon, has a square keep ahundred feet high, having this device--_Virtus ariete fortior_; whichyou would think meant that virtue is stronger than a ram, but whichreally means, you idiot, that courage is stronger than abattering-machine. Yes, I honour, accept, respect, and revere our lords.It is the lords who, with her royal Majesty, work to procure andpreserve the advantages of the nation. Their consummate wisdom shines inintricate junctures. Their precedence over others I wish they had not;but they have it. What is called principality in Germany, grandeeship inSpain, is called peerage in England and France. There being a fair showof reason for considering the world a wretched place enough, heaven feltwhere the burden was most galling, and to prove that it knew how to makehappy people, created lords for the satisfaction of philosophers. Thisacts as a set-off, and gets heaven out of the scrape, affording it adecent escape from a false position. The great are great. A peer,speaking of himself, says _we_. A peer is a plural. The king qualifiesthe peer _consanguinei nostri_. The peers have made a multitude of wiselaws; amongst others, one which condemns to death any one who cuts downa three-year-old poplar tree. Their supremacy is such that they have alanguage of their own. In heraldic style, black, which is called sablefor gentry, is called saturne for princes, and diamond for peers.Diamond dust, a night thick with stars, such is the night of the happy!Even amongst themselves these high and mighty lords have their owndistinctions. A baron cannot wash with a viscount without hispermission. These are indeed excellent things, and safeguards to thenation. What a fine thing it is for the people to have twenty-fivedukes, five marquises, seventy-six earls, nine viscounts, and sixty-onebarons, making altogether a hundred and seventy-six peers, of which someare your grace, and some my lord! What matter a few rags here and there,withal: everybody cannot be dressed in gold. Let the rags be. Cannot yousee the purple? One balances the other. A thing must be built ofsomething. Yes, of course, there are the poor--what of them! They linethe happiness of the wealthy. Devil take it! our lords are our glory!The pack of hounds belonging to Charles, Baron Mohun, costs him as muchas the hospital for lepers in Moorgate, and for Christ's Hospital,founded for children, in 1553, by Edward VI. Thomas Osborne, Duke ofLeeds, spends yearly on his liveries five thousand golden guineas. TheSpanish grandees have a guardian appointed by law to prevent theirruining themselves. That is cowardly. Our lords are extravagant andmagnificent. I esteem them for it. Let us not abuse them like enviousfolks. I feel happy when a beautiful vision passes. I have not thelight, but I have the reflection. A reflection thrown on my ulcer, youwill say. Go to the devil! I am a Job, delighted in the contemplation ofTrimalcion. Oh, that beautiful and radiant planet up there! But themoonlight is something. To suppress the lords was an idea which Orestes,mad as he was, would not have dared to entertain. To say that the lordsare mischievous or useless is as much as to say that the state should berevolutionized, and that men are not made to live like cattle, browsingthe grass and bitten by the dog. The field is shorn by the sheep, thesheep by the shepherd. It is all one to me. I am a philosopher, and Icare about life as much as a fly. Life is but a lodging. When I thinkthat Henry Bowes Howard, Earl of Berkshire, has in his stabletwenty-four state carriages, of which one is mounted in silver andanother in gold--good heavens! I know that every one has not gottwenty-four state carriages; but there is no need to complain for allthat. Because you were cold one night, what was that to him? It concernsyou only. Others besides you suffer cold and hunger. Don't you knowthat without that cold, Dea would not have been blind, and if Dea werenot blind she would not love you? Think of that, you fool! And, besides,if all the people who are lost were to complain, there would be a prettytumult! Silence is the rule. I have no doubt that heaven imposes silenceon the damned, otherwise heaven itself would be punished by theireverlasting cry. The happiness of Olympus is bought by the silence ofCocytus. Then, people, be silent! I do better myself; I approve andadmire. Just now I was enumerating the lords, and I ought to add to thelist two archbishops and twenty-four bishops. Truly, I am quite affectedwhen I think of it! I remember to have seen at the tithe-gathering ofthe Rev. Dean of Raphoe, who combined the peerage with the church, agreat tithe of beautiful wheat taken from the peasants in theneighbourhood, and which the dean had not been at the trouble ofgrowing. This left him time to say his prayers. Do you know that LordMarmaduke, my master, was Lord Grand Treasurer of Ireland, and HighSeneschal of the sovereignty of Knaresborough in the county of York? Doyou know that the Lord High Chamberlain, which is an office hereditaryin the family of the Dukes of Ancaster, dresses the king for hiscoronation, and receives for his trouble forty yards of crimson velvet,besides the bed on which the king has slept; and that the Usher of theBlack Rod is his deputy? I should like to see you deny this, that thesenior viscount of England is Robert Brent, created a viscount by HenryV. The lords' titles imply sovereignty over land, except that of EarlRivers, who takes his title from his family name. How admirable is theright which they have to tax others, and to levy, for instance, fourshillings in the pound sterling income-tax, which has just beencontinued for another year! And all the time taxes on distilled spirits,on the excise of wine and beer, on tonnage and poundage, on cider, onperry, on mum, malt, and prepared barley, on coals, and on a hundredthings besides. Let us venerate things as they are. The clergythemselves depend on the lords. The Bishop of Man is subject to the Earlof Derby. The lords have wild beasts of their own, which they place intheir armorial bearings. God not having made enough, they have inventedothers. They have created the heraldic wild boar, who is as much abovethe wild boar as the wild boar is above the domestic pig and the lordis above the priest. They have created the griffin, which is an eagle tolions, and a lion to eagles, terrifying lions by his wings, and eaglesby his mane. They have the guivre, the unicorn, the serpent, thesalamander, the tarask, the dree, the dragon, and the hippogriff. Allthese things, terrible to us, are to them but an ornament and anembellishment. They have a menagerie which they call the blazon, inwhich unknown beasts roar. The prodigies of the forest are nothingcompared to the inventions of their pride. Their vanity is full ofphantoms which move as in a sublime night, armed with helm and cuirass,spurs on their heels and the sceptres in their hands, saying in a gravevoice, 'We are the ancestors!' The canker-worms eat the roots, andpanoplies eat the people. Why not? Are we to change the laws? Thepeerage is part of the order of society. Do you know that there is aduke in Scotland who can ride ninety miles without leaving his ownestate? Do you know that the Archbishop of Canterbury has a revenue ofL40,000 a year? Do you know that her Majesty has L700,000 sterling fromthe civil list, besides castles, forests, domains, fiefs, tenancies,freeholds, prebendaries, tithes, rent, confiscations, and fines, whichbring in over a million sterling? Those who are not satisfied are hardto please."
"Yes," murmured Gwynplaine sadly, "the paradise of the rich is made outof the hell of the poor."