CHAPTER II.
OPEN-AIR ELOQUENCE.
One very cold and windy evening, on which there was every reason whyfolks should hasten on their way along the street, a man, who waswalking in Tarrinzeau Field close under the walls of the tavern, stoppedsuddenly. It was during the last months of winter between 1704 and 1705.This man, whose dress indicated a sailor, was of good mien and finefigure, things imperative to courtiers, and not forbidden to commonfolk.
Why did he stop? To listen. What to? To a voice apparently speaking inthe court on the other side of the wall, a voice a little weakened byage, but so powerful notwithstanding that it reached the passer-by inthe street. At the same time might be heard in the enclosure, from whichthe voice came, the hubbub of a crowd.
This voice said,--
"Men and women of London, here I am! I cordially wish you joy of beingEnglish. You are a great people. I say more: you are a great populace.Your fisticuffs are even better than your sword thrusts. You have anappetite. You are the nation which eats other nations--a magnificentfunction! This suction of the world makes England preeminent. Aspoliticians and philosophers, in the management of colonies,populations, and industry, and in the desire to do others any harm whichmay turn to your own good, you stand alone. The hour will come when twoboards will be put up on earth--inscribed on one side, Men; on theother, Englishmen. I mention this to your glory, I, who am neitherEnglish nor human, having the honour to be a bear. Still more--I am adoctor. That follows. Gentlemen, I teach. What? Two kinds ofthings--things which I know, and things which I do not. I sell my drugsand I sell my ideas. Approach and listen. Science invites you. Open yourear; if it is small, it will hold but little truth; if large, a greatdeal of folly will find its way in. Now, then, attention! I teach thePseudoxia Epidemica. I have a comrade who will make you laugh, but I canmake you think. We live in the same box, laughter being of quite as olda family as thought. When people asked Democritus, 'How do you know?' heanswered, 'I laugh.' And if I am asked, 'Why do you laugh?' I shallanswer, 'I know.' However, I am not laughing. I am the rectifier ofpopular errors. I take upon myself the task of cleaning your intellects.They require it. Heaven permits people to deceive themselves, and to bedeceived. It is useless to be absurdly modest. I frankly avow that Ibelieve in Providence, even where it is wrong. Only when I seefilth--errors are filth--I sweep them away. How am I sure of what Iknow? That concerns only myself. Every one catches wisdom as he can.Lactantius asked questions of, and received answers from, a bronze headof Virgil. Sylvester II. conversed with birds. Did the birds speak? Didthe Pope twitter? That is a question. The dead child of the RabbiElcazer talked to Saint Augustine. Between ourselves, I doubt all thesefacts except the last. The dead child might perhaps talk, because underits tongue it had a gold plate, on which were engraved diversconstellations. Thus he deceived people. The fact explains itself. Yousee my moderation. I separate the true from the false. See! here areother errors in which, no doubt, you partake, poor ignorant folks thatyou are, and from which I wish to free you. Dioscorides believed thatthere was a god in the henbane; Chrysippus in the cynopaste; Josephus inthe root bauras; Homer in the plant moly. They were all wrong. Thespirits in herbs are not gods but devils. I have tested this fact. It isnot true that the serpent which tempted Eve had a human face, as Cadmusrelates. Garcias de Horto, Cadamosto, and John Hugo, Archbishop ofTreves, deny that it is sufficient to saw down a tree to catch anelephant. I incline to their opinion. Citizens, the efforts of Luciferare the cause of all false impressions. Under the reign of such a princeit is natural that meteors of error and of perdition should arise. Myfriends, Claudius Pulcher did not die because the fowls refused to comeout of the fowl house. The fact is, that Lucifer, having foreseen thedeath of Claudius Pulcher, took care to prevent the birds feeding. ThatBeelzebub gave the Emperor Vespasian the virtue of curing the lame andgiving sight to the blind, by his touch, was an act praiseworthy initself, but of which the motive was culpable. Gentlemen, distrust thosefalse doctors, who sell the root of the bryony and the white snake, andwho make washes with honey and the blood of a cock. See clearly throughthat which is false. It is not quite true that Orion was the result of anatural function of Jupiter. The truth is that it was Mercury whoproduced this star in that way. It is not true that Adam had a navel.When St. George killed the dragon he had not the daughter of a saintstanding by his side. St. Jerome had not a clock on the chimney-piece ofhis study; first, because living in a cave, he had no study; secondly,because he had no chimney-piece; thirdly, because clocks were not yetinvented. Let us put these things right. Put them right. O gentlefolks,who listen to me, if any one tells you that a lizard will be born inyour head if you smell the herb valerian; that the rotting carcase ofthe ox changes into bees, and that of the horse into hornets; that a manweighs more when dead than when alive; that the blood of the he-goatdissolves emeralds; that a caterpillar, a fly, and a spider, seen on thesame tree, announces famine, war, and pestilence; that the fallingsickness is to be cured by a worm found in the head of a buck--do notbelieve him. These things are errors. But now listen to truths. The skinof a sea-calf is a safeguard against thunder. The toad feeds upon earth,which causes a stone to come into his head. The rose of Jericho bloomson Christmas Eve. Serpents cannot endure the shadow of the ash tree. Theelephant has no joints, and sleeps resting upright against a tree. Makea toad sit upon a cock's egg, and he will hatch a scorpion which willbecome a salamander. A blind person will recover sight by putting onehand on the left side of the altar and the other on his eyes. Virginitydoes not hinder maternity. Honest people, lay these truths to heart.Above all, you can believe in Providence in either of two ways, eitheras thirst believes in the orange, or as the ass believes in the whip.Now I am going to introduce you to my family."
Here a violent gust of wind shook the window-frames and shutters of theinn, which stood detached. It was like a prolonged murmur of the sky.The orator paused a moment, and then resumed.
"An interruption; very good. Speak, north wind. Gentlemen, I am notangry. The wind is loquacious, like all solitary creatures. There is noone to keep him company up there, so he jabbers. I resume the thread ofmy discourse. Here you see associated artists. We are four--_a lupoprincipium_. I begin by my friend, who is a wolf. He does not concealit. See him! He is educated, grave, and sagacious. Providence, perhaps,entertained for a moment the idea of making him a doctor of theuniversity; but for that one must be rather stupid, and that he is not.I may add that he has no prejudices, and is not aristocratic. He chatssometimes with bitches; he who, by right, should consort only withshe-wolves. His heirs, if he have any, will no doubt gracefully combinethe yap of their mother with the howl of their father. Because he doeshowl. He howls in sympathy with men. He barks as well, in condescensionto civilization--a magnanimous concession. Homo is a dog made perfect.Let us venerate the dog. The dog--curious animal! sweats with its tongueand smiles with its tail. Gentlemen, Homo equals in wisdom, andsurpasses in cordiality, the hairless wolf of Mexico, the wonderfulxoloitzeniski. I may add that he is humble. He has the modesty of a wolfwho is useful to men. He is helpful and charitable, and says nothingabout it. His left paw knows not the good which his right paw does.These are his merits. Of the other, my second friend, I have but oneword to say. He is a monster. You will admire him. He was formerlyabandoned by pirates on the shores of the wild ocean. This third one isblind. Is she an exception? No, we are all blind. The miser is blind; hesees gold, and he does not see riches. The prodigal is blind; he seesthe beginning, and does not see the end. The coquette is blind; she doesnot see her wrinkles. The learned man is blind; he does not see his ownignorance. The honest man is blind; he does not see the thief. The thiefis blind; he does not see God. God is blind; the day that he created theworld He did not see the devil manage to creep into it. I myself amblind; I speak, and do not see that you are deaf. This blind girl whoaccompanies us is a mysterious priestess. Vesta has confided to her hertorch. She has in her character depths as soft as a division in the woolof a sheep.
I believe her to be a king's daughter, though I do notassert it as a fact. A laudable distrust is the attribute of wisdom. Formy own part, I reason and I doctor, I think and I heal. _Chirurgus sum_.I cure fevers, miasmas, and plagues. Almost all our melancholy andsufferings are issues, which if carefully treated relieve us quietlyfrom other evils which might be worse. All the same I do not recommendyou to have an anthrax, otherwise called carbuncle. It is a stupidmalady, and serves no good end. One dies of it--that is all. I amneither uncultivated nor rustic. I honour eloquence and poetry, and livein an innocent union with these goddesses. I conclude by a piece ofadvice. Ladies and gentlemen, on the sunny side of your dispositions,cultivate virtue, modesty, honesty, probity, justice, and love. Each onehere below may thus have his little pot of flowers on his window-sill.My lords and gentlemen, I have spoken. The play is about to begin."
The man who was apparently a sailor, and who had been listening outside,entered the lower room of the inn, crossed it, paid the necessaryentrance money, reached the courtyard which was full of people, saw atthe bottom of it a caravan on wheels, wide open, and on the platform anold man dressed in a bearskin, a young man looking like a mask, a blindgirl, and a wolf.
"Gracious heaven!" he cried, "what delightful people!"