I stare at Kate...marveling over her maturity and insight. Is that because of her tough upbringing? The fact she's a survivor all on her own? And her honesty...it's frightening and refreshing all at once. I truly believe her...if she has a problem with how things are going, she'll let me know. I expect she'd be very mature about the whole thing too.
"Okay, then," I say before bending down to kiss her. "Let's give it a go."
I feel comforted by Kate's words...by her acceptance of my limits. And yet deep down inside, I know it's never going to be as easy as it sounds.
Chapter 16
Kate
"Ben," I call up the stairs. "Grab your tennis shoes and get down here. Bus is leaving soon."
I hear stomping above me as I imagine him running from his playroom to his bedroom to grab his shoes. He's such a great kid.
Don't get me wrong, he has his moments. In fact, his newest "moment" is what I call the "drop-and-kick tantrum."
If he doesn't get something he wants, he's learned to dramatically throw himself onto the floor, where he pounds his fists into the carpet...or hardwood floor. Depending on where the tantrum occurs.
He does this for a few seconds and then stops...surreptitiously turns his head to look at me to see if I'm acknowledging the "moment," and then waits to see how I react.
The first time he did this, it threw me off my game and I immediately tried to console him. He wouldn't stop crying until I gave in to him.
Score: Ben 1, Kate 0.
The second time it happened, I ignored him. When he saw that I wasn't reacting, he just screamed louder and beat at the floor, big fat tears leaking from his eyes. I held strong, though, and eventually he tired and fell asleep right there. Of course, I was worn out with frayed nerves and wanted a glass of wine to make everything better.
I called that one a tie.
Score: Ben 0, Kate 0.
When it happened again yesterday after Zack left for the airport, I tried something different. I lay down on the floor next to him and threw my own tantrum. I cried--fake tears, of course--and pounded my fists on the floor. Immediately, Ben stopped his own tantrum and looked at me curiously.
I used that brief pause to redirect, immediately flipping over and pouncing on him. My fingers went to his ribs and I tickled him mercilessly until he was breathless from laughter. We both enjoyed a Fudgsicle after that because I considered it a victory for me and worth celebrating.
Score: Ben 0, Kate 1.
The overall score is now tied, and what happens with the next tantrum remains to be seen. Zack called home that night after he landed in California, just in time to talk to Ben before he went to bed. They're out for an extended road trip. He'll be gone until Wednesday, when he flies back home, but then he's flying back out again on Friday for two days in New York.
After Zack talked to Ben for a little bit, I got on the phone and told him all about the most recent tantrum. Zack laughed but called me brilliant. His voice was carefree and genuine. There was no tightness to his tone, no awkwardness in the conversation. Granted, we talked about Ben and only Ben, but still, it was nice to know that we could have glorious, pulse-pounding sex that has surely ruined me for any other, and that we could still go on in our regular routines without it feeling weird. Now, whether we can keep this up is beyond me, but I told Zack the truth...I'd give it a try, and if I couldn't handle it I'd let him know.
And God, I hope I can handle it because I'm not lying...Zack has ruined me when it comes to sex. I have never felt anything like that in my life. I've never had an orgasm that shredded me so deliciously. I've never before in my life come just from having a man inside me. Normally I'd need some extra stimulation on the money spot, but not the other night with Zack. Just the feel of him moving inside me and the knowledge that I was the one who was making this man feel again set off a firestorm within me.
I want to keep feeling it, and I'll try my damnedest to keep my heart safe and secure. As a woman...as a romantic...I know the odds of success at this are not good, but I can't quit yet. I have to try.
And who knows...maybe Zack will develop feelings. Maybe this will turn into something more, and there's only one way to find out.
Ben's feet come pounding down the stairs and he skids into the kitchen in his socks. "Put my shoes on me, Kate."
"And I'm going to decline because...?" I prompt him.
"Please," he adds quickly, because we've been working on manners.
Pointing into the living room, I say, "Okay. Up on the couch and we'll get them on."
Ben runs into the living room just as someone starts pounding on the front door. I'm expecting the carpet installers, who are going to be ripping out the carpet upstairs and replacing it. Zack wasn't fooling around. He wants to get the house on the market as soon as possible, so he had arranged for the carpet to be done this week. They're going to do Ben's room and mine first so we can sleep in them tonight, then the rest of the upstairs tomorrow, and the basement the day after that. The entire first floor is all hardwood, so nothing needed there.
"Hold on, buddy," I tell him as I move past the couch and toward the door. "Let me let these guys in first."
Someone pounds on the door again, and I think, That's just not cool. First ring the damned doorbell, and if that doesn't work, try a nice polite knock.
I unlock and then swing the door open, intent on giving the workers a piece of my mind, but instead I'm confronted by Michelle in a glorious rage. She pushes right past me into the house, actually bumping her shoulder against me, and it's then that I see Beau trotting along behind her. I give him a smile as he runs into the living room when he sees Ben.
"It's about damned time you opened the door," she snaps at me, hoisting her purse over her shoulder. "I need my key back."
"Excuse me?"
"The key," she says impatiently. "The house key I gave you week before last."
Well, shit, she wants free rein of Zack's home again.
"Um...I didn't get another one made," I tell her. "I forgot."
Michelle rolls her eyes at me. "Of course you forgot. Well, just give it to me and I'll get one made for you today when I'm out running errands."
My mind whirs, trying to quickly think what Zack would want me to do in this situation. I know, more than anything, he does not want her to have a key to the house. I also know that he would love to avoid confrontation if possible. Michelle was Gina's friend. Despite the fact she's annoying and intrusive, I know Zack doesn't want to hurt her feelings out of respect for Gina.
Doesn't mean that I can't hurt them, though.
"I'm sorry, Michelle," I tell her. "I can't do that. I'm getting ready to head out soon with Ben and I need the key."
"Then stop and get a key made for me today," she says very slowly, as if she's talking to a five-year-old.
"Yeah," I say thoughtfully, scratching my head. Crossing my arms over my chest, I tell her firmly, "I can't do that either."
"Excuse me?" she says in disbelief.
"Can't do that," I affirm.
"Can't or won't," she says with her eyes narrowed on me. She's starting to catch on.
"Won't," I clarify as I drop my arms and take a step toward the door. "Now, if you'll excuse us...I have to finish getting Ben ready, and then I'm expecting some workers here at any moment who I need to get set up."
"Workers for what?" she demands.
"The carpet upstairs is getting replaced today," I tell her, but offer no other details.
"Why is Zack doing that?" she asks, her eyes darting up the stairs.
"No clue," I say with a shrug. "You should ask him."
Sorry, Zack, I think to myself. You're going to have to handle that one, buddy.
It's not my place to tell Michelle that Zack is listing the house for sale. I'd gladly break the news to this woman if I knew Zack would approve, but again, since she was Gina's friend, and that's a touchy situation, I'm going to let Zack handle it.
"Zack is not going to be happy you'r
e refusing to make a key for me," she says, almost in a whining voice, but I can hear exactly what she doesn't want me to hear. There is doubt in her voice and it tells me that even she has some inkling that she's overstepped her bounds.
"Well, that's something you can discuss with Zack when he gets back. He'll be flying in Wednesday afternoon," I tell her with a gracious smile.
Luckily, the doorbell rings and I almost do a happy dance to know I'm being saved by carpet layers.
"Then I'll have to do that," Michelle snaps at me, then calls into the living room, "Come on, Beau. We need to get going."
With little fanfare, Michelle and Beau leave the house.
I admit the workers and get them started upstairs, leaving my cellphone number with them in case they have problems while we're gone.
Then I load Ben up in Zack's Range Rover that he left for me to use and we head out to the Marbles Kids Museum for a day of fun.
--
Ben finally went to sleep. He was fussy because he didn't get to talk to Zack before he went to bed, as Zack was in the process of putting an ass-whupping on the L.A. Dragons. I promised him his daddy would call him in the morning, because Zack told me he would via text, and I got him settled with two readings of The Giving Tree, which I don't particularly enjoy because it makes me cry every time.
Now, holding a glass of wine, I prop my feet up on the ottoman that sits in front of a plush corner chair that's become my favorite to sit in, and open up Zack's laptop. He also left that behind and asked if I had some time, would I start a search for some houses for sale? He gave me certain parameters such as location, square footage, and price range, but after that, he told me he didn't much care about the details. The only "must have" was at least an acre lot, preferably fenced in, so Ben could have his dog.
I surf his real estate agent's website for a bit, printing off some good choices on the wireless printer. I imagine Ben in some of those houses, running around a backyard with a golden retriever named Bentley or something as deservingly distinguished. I can see Zack playing out there with him, and although I can see it, I purposely don't include myself in that image. I don't belong there...Zack has made that clear.
Still, I'm excited he's doing this. Ever since he made the decision to sell this house, he's seemed not necessarily happier...but maybe freer is the word. Zack isn't going to sit on this for very long. He's ready to move once this house is listed, easily able to afford double mortgages if it doesn't sell quickly. He asked me before he left if I would mind helping with the packing, and, of course, I told him I'd be glad to help.
He about slayed me when he said in a soft voice, "Please be careful packing up all the framed photos with Gina. I want to get them set up as quickly as we can in the new house. Ben especially will need to see them up right away."
And yup...my heart melted over his thoughtfulness.
My phone buzzes next to me on the side table and I reach for it. It's a text from Sutton and it brings an immediate smile to my face without my even reading it. We've kept in contact since our lunch a few weeks ago. Friendly talk...mostly text, but one phone call too. I appreciate it greatly, but sometimes I'm at a loss as to how to react to her. I've never had a close girlfriend before. Not that that is what is happening here. But it's a new feeling for me to have someone interested in me and who wants to get to know me better.
Dinner. Tomorrow night. Zack's house. Olivia and I bringing the wine for after Ben goes to sleep. You're cooking.
I stare dumbfounded at the text, even rubbing my thumb slowly over the words. They want to hang with me? And drink wine?
Okay, I write back, and wonder if from my lack of enthusiastic response she's wondering if she made a colossal mistake in inviting herself to spend time in my presence.
So I text again. This is cool. Can't wait.
And I can't. Sutton seems like such an awesome person and she's already been invaluable for career advice. I didn't get to talk to Olivia that much at the game, but she seemed really nice.
Sutton immediately texts me back: It's a date. We'll be there about six P.M.
Excitement courses through me at the prospect of adult conversation tomorrow. I've come to love Ben a great deal in the past few weeks, but sometimes you just need to leave the three-year-old talk behind or else you'll go bananas.
I shoot a quick text back. C U then.
Done!
I've got my first "girls night" ever in my life and I think I'll even wear my outfit that I wore to the hockey game. Sutton and Olivia are not only beautiful, but sophisticated in a way that I'm not. For the first time in my entire life, I feel a sense of shame over the way in which I present myself.
No, wait. That's not right. More like disappointment. Or regret.
It's a feeling I have that maybe I've wasted time in being untrue to my nature, spending years hiding myself, and I'm finding out it's tough trying to spread your wings and try something different.
So, in order to turn over a new leaf and stop wasting time, I'm going to wear my new outfit and see what they say. They've both seen me at my frumpy worst. I wonder if they'll be as shocked as Zack was when he saw me.
Regardless, I vow to myself that I'm going to take a little money from each paycheck and buy myself one new article of clothing to start building up a new wardrobe. It will be slow going, and I'll still have to supplement from thrift or consignment, but it will be worth it. And the other thing I vow: that even when I shop thrift, I'm going to actually buy clothes that fit and flatter, not conceal and hide.
Kate Francis is in the process of being reborn.
Chapter 17
Zack
It's been a good road trip. We swept both the L.A. teams, the Demons and the Dragons, and yours truly got a goal in one game and nothing in the other, but I was pleased with my performance. Coming off a hat trick not that long ago, there are just going to be some games where I'm not seeming like a superhero.
Yeah...damn good road trip. The team is playing fantastic, we've secured the top spot in our division and have a good battle with Pittsburgh going on for first place in our conference. All the guys get more excited as the days roll on for the playoffs to get here. We're on fire and we're ready to show the world what we can do to win Lord Stanley.
And while it's been a great trip and being back in the lineup is really helping me get back into the swing of life, I've been anxiously awaiting the plane trip home tomorrow morning. It's hard being away from Ben like this, especially after having been with him continuously for four months. It makes my chest ache when I think about him.
I'm also anxious to get back and see Kate.
Correction...fuck Kate. That's all I want.
I tell myself that over and over and over again until it sticks.
We had one night together and then I was on a plane the next day, heading to California. One very amazing night that I've been replaying in my mind over and over again.
I didn't stay in Kate's room after we had our very frank discussion about expectations. I thought I'd probably fuck her again, but honest to God...I was so depleted from that orgasm that I wanted nothing more than to go to sleep.
Of course, that was not going to be done in Kate's room. I wasn't about to sleep with her all night, because that was far too intimate. I also didn't want to be found in there if Ben needed one of us. I wasn't now nor would I ever be ready to have a conversation with Ben as to why I was sleeping in Kate's bed. So I gave her a soft kiss, told her how much I enjoyed it, and left.
The next day was business as usual, Kate chattering over breakfast and keeping Ben occupied while I got packed up for the trip. I gave Ben a huge hug, burying my nose in his hair and loath to let him go. I gave Kate a quick smile and then I was gone.
And now I couldn't wait to get back. I'd have only a day and a half in Raleigh, and I intended to spend every bit of it with Ben before I had to head out for a two-game trip to New York. And I'd spend some time with Kate in her bed after Ben went to sleep. That was
for damned sure.
Patting my back pocket to check that I have my wallet, I leave my hotel room, locking the door behind me. The game today against the Dragons was an afternoon game and most of the guys have gone out for a night of partying. Alex and Garrett tried to get me to go out with them, but I just didn't feel like it. I was looking forward to a quiet dinner, a long Facetime session with Ben before he went to bed, and then going to bed myself, where I may or may not fantasize about Kate and jerk off to the memories I've made with her so far.
I catch a quick elevator down to the lobby and head through it, straight to the hotel's restaurant. I don't even feel like trying to go out somewhere to eat. As I approach the hostess stand, I see Ryker sitting at the bar just behind her. Before the hostess can even greet me, I say, "I see a friend in there. I'm just going to eat at the bar."
"Enjoy your meal, sir," she says with a smile.
I walk to the bar, figuring conversation with Ryker will be much better than eating alone. This road trip is his first time suiting up with the team. He didn't play, of course, and won't see much ice time unless Max has a tough back-to-back schedule or gets injured. I'd sat with him on the plane trip out here and he seems pretty cool. We didn't talk much and slept most of the way, but in what little we talked about hockey, I found him to be gracious about his descent from top starter with the Eagles to backup goalie with the Cold Fury. He knows his career is coming to an end and he's just trying to squeeze another year or two out until retirement.
"What's up, Brick?" I say as I clap him on the shoulder. He turns his head slightly and gives me a smile.
"Not much," he says, kicking at the stool next to him a little so it pushes back from the bar. "Just drinking a beer and getting something to eat."
I sit down on the offered stool and the bartender comes over, placing a menu in front of me. "I'll take a Heineken," I tell him as I open the menu. Then, looking over at Ryker, I ask, "What did you order?"
"Just a burger. I'm not picky," he says, lifting his glass and taking a swallow of beer. After setting his glass down, he says, "You played great today."
"Thanks, man," I say as I close the menu and set it back down.
"This is the part where you tell me I did a great job riding the pine," he says with a mischievous grin.