"My daddy is a good man. He loves me and my brother and sister. But he wasn't a very responsible parent when we were growing up. He drank a lot and that made his ability to hold a job a little precarious at times. I raised myself as much as he did."
"Money was tight?" I guess.
"The tightest, but we made it work," she says simply, and I'm amazed to hear not one shred of bitterness over her circumstances.
I hear rustling in the backseat as Ben starts to stir. "Daddy," he says in a sleepy voice.
And fuck...it's kind of cute when he says it like that. I guess it's growing on me.
"We're almost home, buddy," I say over my shoulder.
"I want my bear," he whines, referencing a worn stuffed animal that he likes to sleep with.
"It's in the bag behind your seat," Kate says to me as she reaches an arm back. "I think I can reach it."
"We're almost home, little man. You can wait," I tell him as I near the interstate exit I need to take.
"No," he wails, because he's overtired. "I need it now."
Kate unsnaps her seat belt and starts to scramble out of her seat to reach behind me. "I'll get it."
Icy fear floods my veins and panic wells up inside of me as she lifts herself from the seat. My hands grip the steering wheel hard and my eyes dart all around me to check out our surroundings.
"Sit the fuck down," I roar at her. "And get your fucking seat belt on."
Kate heeds me well, my outburst, I'm sure, scaring the shit out of her. Her ass slams back down into the seat and she clicks the seat belt quickly into place. Ben starts crying in the backseat--I know I scared him when I yelled, because that's just something I don't do.
I want to console him, but I can't. My breath seems clogged in my lungs and my heart is racing away. I carefully take the exit as sweat pops out all over me, and I have to restrain the urge to punch the windshield with my fist.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Memories of that night assault me all at once--the ones I've been keeping at bay for four months. Gina taking her seat belt off, giving me a soft smile. My hand cupping around the back of her head to pull her closer to me, while I kept the other hand on the steering wheel and both eyes on the road.
Bright lights flooding the interior of the car as someone veers into my lane of travel, a hard jerk of the steering wheel to the right, metal screeching. Then the car is rolling, rolling, rolling. I'm held in place, but Gina's body is tumbling like clothes in a dryer, her body flopping like a rag doll. A spray of glass and then she's gone. Just vanished from my sight.
"Zack...are you okay? Zack?" I hear vaguely. A hand is pressed to my shoulder, squeezing hard.
I blink and see that I've pulled over onto the side of the road on the exit ramp and have no recollection of doing that. The SUV is in park and both of my hands are locked tight on the steering wheel so hard, my right wrist starts to ache. I turn slowly and look at Kate, whose eyes are round with concern.
"Are you okay?" she asks again, and her hand squeezes my shoulder, gently this time. Ben is crying in the backseat, but she's ignoring him for now, her focus solely on me.
I jerk away from her touch and close my eyes. Taking a deep breath, I unclench my grip from the wheel and scrub my hands through my hair.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I tell her as I blow out the pent-up breath. Turning to look at her, I pin her with a warning look. "Don't ever take your seat belt off again in the car, do you understand?"
She nods quickly. "I won't. I'm sorry."
I can see it in her eyes.
She knows.
She knows I was on the verge of really losing it there, and I'm pretty sure that's fear I see on her face.
Chapter 8
Kate
I gaze out the wall of windows that look over the wooded backyard of Zack's house as I rinse out my coffee cup to put it in the dishwasher. Ben is sitting in the breakfast nook, happily eating his oatmeal with fruit that I made him for breakfast, and flipping through a book while he eats. It's the first week of March and, typical for North Carolina, the huge weeping cherry tree outside that sits next to Zack's back deck is already budding. The weather forecast said it would be in the mid-sixties today, and I'm ready for winter to be over. It doesn't get abnormally cold here in the winter, but we do get a few light snows each year. Just enough to really mess up the roads and freak all the good southerners out.
Footsteps start down the back staircase and I involuntarily tense up as I wait for Zack to make his morning appearance. Things have been tense between us since the game he took me to last week. Well, correction...since I took my seat belt off in the car and he had a nuclear meltdown. I have no clue what the circumstances had been of the accident that had cost Gina her life, but it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out that she hadn't had her seat belt on, based on his reaction that night.
I felt terrible for what I'd done and the haunted look in his eyes. My thoughtless actions had brought about an awful memory for him, and even though I'd apologized profusely the rest of the way home and he'd assured me it was okay, he's kept quite the distance from me since then.
Zack was gone this past weekend for a game in Nashville but returned late Sunday night. He called a few times a day to check in and talk to Ben while he was away, but he carefully avoided conversation with me. When he got back from practice yesterday, he casually told me to take the rest of the day off, as he wanted to spend alone time with Ben. Normally, he never minded me hanging around when he was home, but his message was clear. He wanted me out of his sight, so I stayed holed up in my room the rest of the night.
"Hey, buddy," Zack says as he walks over to the kitchen table and sits down next to Ben. His hand comes up, reaches around the side of Ben's head, and pulls him over so he can kiss his blond curls. "Good oatmeal?"
Ben nods and sticks another spoonful in his mouth.
"Want some?" I ask Zack hesitantly. "I made plenty."
He doesn't even look over at me, but says, "Sure. Thanks."
I pour a cup of coffee for him, knowing that he always drinks one cup black in the morning. I make him a bowl of oatmeal; scoop the cut grapes, apples, and walnuts on top; and bring it over to him.
As I turn away to walk back behind the island so I can wash the oatmeal pot, I casually say, "So...Sutton texted me this morning and asked if I'd like to meet her for lunch today. I wanted to know if it's okay if I take Ben with me, or would you rather ask Michelle to watch him?"
Zack doesn't answer me right away, instead eating a bite of oatmeal.
"Or I don't have to go if you don't want either of those options," I add on quickly, because I'm not quite sure what the boundaries are when it comes to me taking some personal time away from the house. "If it's a problem, I can just tell her I can't make it."
He finally looks at me, the first time I think he's really looked at me since the incident in his car last week. His eyes are full of skepticism. "Why would Sutton be asking you out to lunch?"
"Why wouldn't she?" I counter, not liking the doubt in his voice.
He shrugs. "I guess I don't know what you two have in common. I mean, I know you talked together at the game, but she's dating one of my teammates. You're my employee. You don't stand in the same circles, you know?"
Anger and battered pride cause my shoulders to stiffen. "No, I don't know what you mean. And I may be just your employee," I say with derision, "but we happen to have a lot in common."
"Like what?" he asks as he stares at me pointedly.
"Clearly you didn't hear much of what Delaney must have told you about me," I say quietly as I fill the sink up with soapy water.
I can see his eyes searching, trying to remember any facts whatsoever that he may have overlooked. He's coming up empty, so I help him out. "I'm going into child counseling. Sutton is a counselor. She's going to give me some career advice."
Zack immediately looks abashed and turns his gaze back down to his oatmeal. "Got it," he mutters. "And that's fine. I can
watch Ben while you go. I don't have anything to do today until I need to leave for the game this afternoon. As long as you're back by three or so, we're good."
"Thank you," I say quietly, and busy myself with scrubbing the pot.
"And take my SUV...I won't need it today," he says as an afterthought. "Ben and I are just going to hang here."
Still piqued over his complete lack of interest about me as a person and offensive skepticism over why someone like Sutton would want to have lunch with me, I give him a cool rebuff. "No, thanks. The bus is good enough for me."
"Just take the damn car, Kate," he growls, which causes my gaze to snap his way. Ben halts a bite of oatmeal halfway to his face and his lips form a solid O of surprise over the mild curse word that just popped out of Zack's mouth.
Zack is usually very careful and very good about not cussing in front of Ben, so the fact that he let that little puppy out in front of his son tells me that he's pissed about my refusal.
"Sorry, buddy," Zack says as he cuts a remorseful look at Ben.
Even though I never hesitate to use Zack's car when I'm running errands that benefit his family, I'm not about to accept his generosity this morning. I'm still miffed over his cold shoulder, and besides, it's one thing to use his car when I'm doing something that helps him and Ben, but quite another when I'm out doing something personally.
I don't respond to him, but continue to quietly do the breakfast dishes. He can bitch at me later for refusing his kindness. I don't feel like hearing it any more today.
--
"I'm so glad you could make it," Sutton says as we munch on huge chef salads at a little restaurant just a few blocks away from her office in downtown Raleigh. I had taken the bus to meet her there and she gave me a tour of the Wake County Drug Crisis Center, before bringing me into her office and telling me all about what she does there. It was very interesting, and she let me ask a bazillion questions about how she counsels her clients. She specializes in drug addiction, and that's not the field I want to pursue, but there are many similarities, so it was a very special opportunity to get a bird's-eye view of what she does.
Business talk was dropped once we got to the restaurant, and she spent some time getting to know me. I told her all about growing up in eastern North Carolina in a little one-stoplight town about two hours southeast of Raleigh. Sutton is the type of person who just invites open honesty, and I've never been ashamed of my background, so I was prattling on about my daddy and how much I loved him despite his drinking, and how Kelly, who was two years older than me, got pregnant at sixteen and then popped out my three adorable nephews in successive years. I told her how I helped to raise them as we all lived together in Daddy's trailer, and then I told her about my older brother, Thomas, who is currently in jail for drug possession. Sutton told me about her father and his battles with drug addiction, and it was really nice having someone who understood my background.
"You've really come a long way," Sutton says with admiration. "Earning your undergrad degree all on your own. It's impressive how you took your time and worked to pay your tuition so you wouldn't owe anything after graduation."
I nod with a smile. "I watched my daddy struggle with debt his entire life. I wasn't about to start out my adult life with a bunch of it on my shoulders. It took me an extra year to meet my goal, but it was worth it."
"You'll continue to work for Zack when you start your master's program in the fall?" she asks.
I nod as I chew my salad. After I swallow I say, "Yes, assuming we can work out the scheduling with Ben's schooling and Zack's travel. I think it's workable, and assuming Zack still wants me to continue on."
"Well, why wouldn't he?" she exclaims while waving her fork in the air. "I watched how you were with Ben at the game. You're fantastic with him, and you're bright and responsible. Delaney did a fantastic job picking you."
My smile is wan and I duck my head to spear a chunk of ham out of my salad.
"What?" Sutton asks, noticing my avoidance of the subject. "Did something happen?"
I lay my fork down, ham forgotten, and quickly take a sip of my iced tea. Pushing my plate away, I lean my forearms on the table and decide to get her take on what happened. "So, something happened last week and I don't know what to do about it."
Sutton's eyes go deep with worry and she lays her own fork down and leans in closer to me.
"When we left the game last week, we were driving and Ben wanted a toy that was in the backseat. I didn't think anything of it, so I undid my seat belt to reach for it, and Zack went sort of berserk. He yelled at me...I mean really yelled for me to get back in my seat and put my seat belt on. It really upset Ben, who started crying. And then...Zack just sort of spaced out. He pulled the car carefully off the road and put it in park, and was just sort of...absent for a few moments."
"Jesus," Sutton whispers.
"I know," I murmur, my finger tracing the edge of my plate as I remember how scared I was in that moment. "I don't know what happened in the accident...but I'm guessing...Gina didn't have her seat belt on, did she?"
Sutton gives a sad shake of her head. "No, she didn't. She was ejected from the vehicle. She had a really severe head injury. They say she died quickly."
"I feel terrible, Sutton," I practically whine. "I was so insensitive. And Zack has been really distant with me since then. You don't think I caused some major damage to him, do you? What if he hates me and doesn't want me around Ben?"
"That's ridiculous," she says. "Zack is the type of man that if he didn't want you around his son, he would have tossed you immediately out of the house. And you didn't cause damage to him. Just a bad memory recall and he's hurt. Not by you, by the memory. Just give him time."
"Okay," I say, releasing a breath of relief. Sutton sounds so sure about this, and I'm going to assume she's right. "Do you think I should try to talk to him?"
She gives a snort and picks her fork back up to attack her salad. "Talk to a man? Seriously? You don't have much experience with them, do you?"
"Don't you talk to Alex?" I ask with a grin.
"Of course I do," she scoffs. "But it's a battle half the time. And trust me, that's a man thing."
"So leave Zack alone?" I ask, for clarification.
"No, that's not what I'm saying. You should do what feels right for you. If you need to get this off your chest with him, then you need that for you. I'm just saying...he's a man. Don't be surprised if he doesn't open up or if he brushes your concern off."
That's definitely food for thought. I do think I probably need to have a conversation with him about this, because I can't continue to walk on eggshells around him. That's not good for me or for him, but most important, kids are pretty savvy, and it won't take long for Ben to realize that we've lost the easy partnership we had been nicely developing. I don't want him confused by that.
"Can I ask you something personal?" Sutton asks hesitantly, and my eyes snap up to hers.
"Sure," I say easily. I don't have anything to hide.
"Is there something going on between you and Zack?"
I blink at her, completely confused. "What do you mean?"
"I mean...is there a personal connection you two have?"
"Well, yeah...I mean, we had sort of lapsed into an easygoing relationship style when it came to how I was involved with Ben, and making sure that Zack spends as much time with him as I do. He seems to have accepted my goofy charm," I say with a chuckle as I spear more salad.
Sutton shakes her head. "No, that's not what I mean. I mean...is there something deeper?"
I shake my head at her, not quite understanding what she's asking. "We're friends, sure, but it's not like we're spilling our secrets to each other. We pretty much focus on Ben."
Taking in a frustrated breath, Sutton lets it out and blurts, "No...I mean...are you two having sex?"
"What?" I practically screech, and people from the tables beside us turn to look at me. Leaning in across the table, I whisper harshly, "Why woul
d you ever ask that?"
"I don't know," Sutton whispers back apologetically. "It's just...Zack couldn't keep his eyes off you at the game. You didn't notice because you were actually watching the game, but I'd catch him checking you out. It's almost like he was trying to figure out something about you. He seemed confused, and I was wondering if maybe you two...you know...had gotten horizontal with each other and then were in sort of an awkward phase."
My head starts shaking viciously back and forth. "Absolutely not. Zack has no interest in me at all, I can assure you."
There's nothing extraordinary about me at all, I think sadly.
"I think you might be wrong," Sutton says quietly. "I'm good at reading people. It's part of what I do for a living. And let's be honest, Kate...you're a beautiful girl. He's noticed that, I'm sure."
My jaw hangs open as I look at her with astonishment. "I'm not beautiful."
Sutton snorts and a knowing smile tips her lips up. She picks at her salad and remains quiet.
"I'm not," I assert again.
Tilting her head up to look at me, she says, "You're a smart girl, Kate. Brilliant, I'm thinking, based on what you've accomplished already. You try to hide what God gave you...I can see that. But, honey...I hate to tell you, it's kind of hard to hide what you have."
Not really, I think. I've managed to hide my body well enough under bulky clothes. My face isn't totally horrid, but I don't have men beating down the doors for me. She's got it wrong, absolutely wrong, but I'm not going to argue with her about it.
"All I'm saying," she continues, "is that maybe part of the reason Zack is being distant with you is because he might have some feelings tied up where you're concerned. I don't know what they are...I can't speak to that, but I think there may be something there."
I give her an accommodating look and quickly change the subject. I am absolutely unwilling to entertain the thought that Zack sees anything in me other than his son's nerdy nanny.
Chapter 9
Zack
I pull the bottle of Patron off the minibar that's set up in my basement. The man cave that I've been in maybe twice since the accident. This is where I came to veg out and relax. Ben hung out here with me a lot, or I'd invite some of the guys over to watch a televised fight or other major sporting event. I have a kegerator in one corner that kept an endless supply of draft beer flowing, which is my normal drink of choice, but tonight I feel like getting a bigger buzz.