His sister.
I felt the banana muffins coming up on me.
Nina was Jimmy’s only sister.
Ryan dated Nina?
Fuck.
Nina and Ryan.
I think I finally understood where the term “blinded by jealousy” came from because I could have sworn my vision blurred as my brain processed the shock of hearing those words.
“What? You and Ryan?”
“Yes. Ryan and I briefly dated when I was sixteen.”
My stomach sank when she confirmed it. “And you never thought to mention this before?”
“Honestly? No. It was so long ago. I don’t see him that way, anymore, Jake. I look at him like a brother. I really always have. It never felt any other way with him. He’d always been around all my life, and we spent enough time around each other that when we got to a certain age, we just started dating. That’s kind of how it goes in small towns, I guess.”
“But you said…that other guy…Spencer…that he was your first…”
“That’s right. I never had sex with Ryan. I was too young.”
“You kissed him…”
“Yes.”
I knew I was out of line but asked it anyway. “That’s all you did?”
“Jake…”
“Answer me,” I demanded.
“What do you want me to say?”
“Did he touch you?”
“Yes.”
I closed my eyes. “I don’t want to know anymore.”
“I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, actually, this explains a fuck of a lot, why he won’t get off my jock about you. Does Tarah know?”
“I don’t think so, unless he’s told her without my knowing. Again, it was so long ago. It’s almost insignificant. I don’t view him like that at all.”
My face felt like it was burning up. I felt the need to break something and needed to be alone to let this sink in. “Fair enough.” I stood up and handed her the empty muffin plate. “You know what, Nina? I think we’ve done enough for tonight. It’s getting late. I actually have to take a shower. I forgot I have an early meeting tomorrow.”
Without saying anything further, I left the room and headed down the hall. Blood was pumping through my ears, and it felt like the hallway was swaying.
I got in the shower and let the water rain down on me. It wasn’t helping to lessen the blow of hearing that news. My mind became littered with upsetting thoughts.
The mere idea of him touching her body, sucking on her beautiful tits, going down on her, made me want to vomit. This was only the second time in my life I’d been hit with this level of jealousy, the first being her date with Alistair. This was much worse.
I vowed to stay in the shower until I could calm down. After about thirty minutes, my temper about the situation was starting to wear off. I had no right to feel this possessive toward her, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I also had no right to fault her for her lie of omission when my own was colossal. Really, the biggest thing that bothered me was that I might never get the chance to experience with her what others had.
While I couldn’t help the jealousy, my reaction had been juvenile. I quickly wiped down and threw my pants on. I’d planned to go to her room and apologize but found her sitting on my bed in the same spot where I’d left her.
She got up, and her heels clicked as she walked toward me. “I’m sorry I upset you.”
“I’m sorry I reacted that way.”
My skin was not completely dry, and a droplet of water ran down my chest. She placed her fingertip over it and swiped it away. The delicate touch was brief but had a lasting effect. My abs tightened in an attempt to control my body’s reaction.
“You wanna know something?” she whispered.
My voice was hoarse. “What?” I was barely able to speak. All I wanted was for her to keep touching me. I wanted to push her down on the bed, lift her skirt and make her forget her own name.
“Your jealousy. It feels good.”
She traced the tattoos on my right forearm with her finger while my eyes followed the path.
“Well, it doesn’t feel good for me.”
My body ached for the return of her touch after she stopped and crossed her arms in front of her chest.
“You don’t tell me what you’re thinking. You don’t open up to me, so it’s the only thing that shows me how you feel.”
“I guess I can’t hide everything.”
“I want to explain,” she said.
“Explain what?”
“What happened with Ryan and me, because I know your imagination is running wild, and you’re probably making it out to be something more than it was.”
“Fuck, Nina, you don’t owe me any explanation. My reaction was uncalled for. It’s none of my business, and I really don’t want to know. I— ”
“We kissed, and he felt me up. That was it. It was nothing below the waist. I never let it get that far.”
I let out the breath I’d been holding. It could have been a lot worse. “You really didn’t need to tell me that.”
“Tell me you weren’t going over it in your head just now in the shower.”
“Fuck yes, I was.”
“I know I don’t owe you an explanation, but I care about you, and you were obviously upset by it. I wanted to be honest so that you weren’t wasting your time contemplating what I meant.”
Guilt was creeping in fast. I’d given her so little honesty in return because of my own fears. I’d taught her to face her fears, and I’d been running from mine to avoid losing her.
“Your honesty is way more than I deserve, Nina.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I’m so afraid to hurt you.”
“You’re scaring me. I don’t understand. Please talk to me.” She begged, “Please.”
I placed my hand on her face and cupped her cheek. “I will. I promise.”
After Christmas.
CHAPTER 14
Past
Sixty-Nine.
There’s a reason universe rhymes with perverse. The stars aligned, and that number was just a bonus when Nina brought home that exact grade for her final exam. Despite the crappy score, I had prayed so hard that we would get one more excursion together before she had to leave, especially since nothing would be the same once I told her all about Ivy after Christmas.
When she came to my room to break the news about the test, I wasted no time in going online to purchase our tickets.
It was 4:30 a.m. I knew Nina would be freaking out and unable to sleep. I’d purposely left her an origami bat last night with a message that gave away the fact that I’d be taking her to Chicago.
It was just too exciting for me to hold in, but that wasn’t the main reason I decided to tell her. These exercises were supposed to be kept secret up until her perceived moment of doom. However¸ since this would be her very first plane ride, I felt the need to give her a heads up this time.
I knocked on her bedroom door. “Nina, the cab’s here. We have to leave.”
Her face looked white as a ghost, and she had bags under her eyes. “I don’t think I can go through with this.”
“I promise it’ll be okay. I’ll be there every step of the way.”
“I’ve had nightmares about flying ever since I was a kid.”
“You do realize how safe air travel is? We’re in greater danger driving to the airport.”
“Then, I’ll seriously wish for an accident to prevent me from having to get on that plane.”
“Nina, the cab is waiting. Come. I’ve got you. Everything is gonna be fine. I can’t wait to show you where I grew up.”
Her breathing was shaky as she let me take her cold hand.
Traffic was light, and it was still dark out. The ride to the airport was far different than the last time Nina and I were in a cab together. Her body was stiff as a board as she sat away from me and stared straight ahead at the early morning news playing on
the small television screen behind the driver’s seat. Her body language was no different than if I’d been holding a gun to her head. I was damn proud of her for not refusing to come, though. The choice was always still hers. That proved she trusted me and wanted to overcome her fears. She was a hell of a lot braver than I was in facing my own.
I paid the driver and led a reluctant Nina out of the cab. I’d brought my backpack with some snacks, music and other tricks, but since we wouldn’t be staying the night, Nina only had a purse.
As we stood in line at the ticket counter, her body trembled. She was going to need my comfort, both mentally and physically. Just for today, I needed to throw whatever rules I’d had about not touching her out the window. As I rubbed her shoulders to calm her down, she let out a deep sigh upon my touch. As always, she was so responsive to me, which I loved.
I hated how uncomfortable she was and vowed that once we got to our gate, everything in my power would be done to make her feel better. We were early, so there would be a lot of time to kill.
At security, an alarm went off when Nina passed through the detector, so she was pulled aside. Under any other circumstances, watching her being frisked by another woman would have been hot, but it pissed me off because it was putting her further on edge.
We finally got to the seating area with an hour to spare before the flight. I reluctantly left her sitting alone while I bought some things from the shop across the way.
When I returned, I handed her the bag. “Here.”
“What’s this?”
“Some survival items for you.”
She took the candy out first. “Pop Rocks?”
“To counter your ear popping. These cancel it out. Pop some in your mouth. You won’t even notice it.”
“I heart New York underwear?”
I grinned. “In case you pee your pants again.”
She wasn’t laughing, perhaps because her pissing herself was a likelier scenario than either of us wanted to admit.
Next, she took out a small paperback I bought. It had two guys and a girl on the cover. “Midnight Ménage?”
“Just some kinky shit to get your mind off things.” I wiggled my eyebrows. “I can read it to you if you want.” She smiled for the first time all morning. “Nina Kennedy, is that a smile? You dirty little minx.”
She took out the last item. “A teddy bear?”
“He’ll keep you company if I have to get up to use the bathroom.”
A hint of another smile spread across her lips. “Jake…”
I took the items. “I’ll put everything in my bag for you.”
Despite the brief distraction from freaking out, Nina went right back into her own mind soon after. She was staring up at the digital screen that indicated our plane was now at the gate. A boarding announcement rang over the loud speaker.
She gripped my arm. “I don’t think I can do this. I’m serious.”
“I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“How can you say that? You don’t have any control in this case!”
I placed my hands on her cheeks and looked into her eyes. “We’re never a hundred percent in control in life, Nina. We just think we are. Something bigger than us is always in the driver’s seat. What we can control is our perception, our reactions to things. We can also control whether we choose to live life or live in fear.” I slid my palms off of her face, stood up and held out my hand. “Now, give me your hand. I’ve got you.”
Nina was shaking, but she obliged. I lifted her out of the seat, her delicate arm buckling under the force of my grip. Her soft breasts brushed against my chest as I pulled her into me. I flashed a reassuring smile. “Let’s fly.”
While my smile went unreturned, she continued to cooperate and dragged her feet all the way to the plane as I rubbed her shoulders.
After we made our way to our seats, an idea came to me. “I’ll be right back.”
“Don’t leave me!” she said as I started to walk down the aisle.
“I’ll only be gone a minute.”
I walked up to a flight attendant and asked if Nina could visit the cockpit, which was open. The pilots were going over their flight plan.
“I’m sorry, sir, but this is a really packed aircraft. I don’t think that’s going to be possible.”
“My friend has never flown before. She’s extremely scared, and I think it would help if she could meet the guys in control.”
“I just don’t think so.”
I glanced worriedly over at Nina. She looked pale, breathing heavily and licking her lips incessantly. “That’s her in row nine. Look how petrified she is. People are still boarding. Please? We’ll only be a minute.”
She must have spotted the terror in Nina’s eyes, because she gave in. “Go back to your seat. I’ll talk to the pilot and call you up if they allow it.”
“Thank you. I really appreciate it.”
A few minutes later, she waved her hand at us.
“Come on, Nina. We’re gonna go meet the pilots real quick.” She took my hand and followed me down the aisle as we squeezed past incoming passengers. I looked behind my shoulders at her and said, “It’s not a faceless vessel. You need to see that there are qualified people at the helm.”
They wouldn’t let me go in with her, so I stayed back just outside the cockpit door. The pilot and co-pilot seemed very friendly, showing Nina all of the controls and touting the years of flight hours they had between the two of them. Both had white hair, so that was a good sign. She was clearly still scared shitless, but I think it helped to reassure her just a smidge.
I turned to the flight attendant. “Thanks again for your help.”
She straightened her navy skirt and licked her lips. “No problem. If you want, you can make it up to me when we land.” She smiled. “You’re adorable.”
Before I could respond, Nina appeared next to me. I nodded once to the attendant, blatantly ignoring her proposition and led Nina back to our seats.
Her breathing was becoming erratic. She wouldn’t look at me.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
She barely got the word out in between breaths, “No.”
“Hold my hand, Nina. Squeeze it as hard as you need to. Breathe.”
When the engines turned on, her grip on my hand tightened. She was holding onto me for dear life, her fear more tangible this time than it had been during our elevator exercise. The fact that she’d never experienced this before must have made her reaction more intense. When the plane started to move, her breathing became even more uncontrolled, and it sounded like she was wheezing. I’d packed some small brown paper bags in case she hyperventilated. Taking one out, I handed it to her. “Breathe into this, baby.”
So caught up in the moment, I hadn’t meant to call her that. It just came out, but honestly, it was doubtful that she even heard it.
The bag didn’t seem to be helping her catch her breath, and it was actually freaking me out a little because if she really were in some kind of physical danger, there was no way to get her medical help. I had to think fast in order to get her mind off the impending takeoff somehow. Two ideas came to me: kiss her senseless or tickle her feet.
Since it would make for a sucky memory if she passed out or foamed at the mouth during our first kiss, the second option would have to be it. Nina had told me once that her brother used to torture her by tickling her feet. If I did it on takeoff, she would have no choice but to succumb to laughter. That would make it impossible for her to focus on the scary thoughts that were feeding her panic and causing her to lose her breath.
The plane started picking up speed, and amidst the sound of the roaring engines, I bent down and quickly untied her shoes. Before she could ask me what the fuck I was doing, I started to tickle the bottoms of her feet. She was wiggling, kicking and most importantly, laughing. As the plane tilted upward for takeoff, my ears started to pop, but it didn’t slow me down.
“Jake…stop!”
I looked up at
her but refused to stop tickling despite her constant begging. Tears of laughter were pouring out of her eyes. The cackle of my own hysterical laughter resonated through the narrow space. When I finally came up for air, we were cruising. The old lady across the aisle was saying a rosary and giving me a dirty look for having interrupted her. We’d disturbed the peace, but it was worth it. Hallelujah.
Nina was still coming down from the laughing fit. Looking annoyed, the flight attendant who’d tried to pick me up earlier came over to us. “Is everything okay over here?”
“Yes. Everything’s just perfect.”
It was.
***
We were well into the flight, and Nina had calmed down a bit after listening to some music I’d downloaded for her.
She took off her headphones for a moment. “How much longer?”
“About a half-hour.”
“I still can’t believe you did that to me.”
I raised my brow. “Now, when people ask how you got through takeoff, you can tell them I went down on you.”
She punched me lightly in the arm and returned the headphones to her ears.
Nina had been listening to the special playlist I’d put together for the flight. In my typical wise ass fashion, I’d titled the list Crash and Burn. The songs in the beginning were meant to make her laugh, but there were a couple that I’d snuck in because they conveyed feelings that were impossible for me to express. At one point, she looked at me, and I knew one of those songs had come on.
I took one of her earbuds to hear it and smiled when I realized she was listening to Come Away with Me by Norah Jones. That song said it all more than the others. I wished I could just take Nina away some place for a lot longer than a day and not have to deal with inevitably breaking her heart after Christmas. All I wanted was to be with her. For now, this quick jaunt to Chicago would have to do. It wasn’t just about getting her over the fear of flying. The trip was also for me, so that I could feel what it was like to take her away just once.
“That’s a beautiful song,” she said. “I’ve always loved it. I love it even more now.”
Me, too. Because it will always remind me of you.