He remembered how Lucy had played with the spoon beside her coffee cup. “I was a challenging child. My mother always said I would do the exact opposite of whatever she told me to. She called it stubbornness, but I like to think of myself as spirited. I used to be, anyway.” Her expression had momentarily turned sad, but she forced a smile. “I bet you were easy to raise.”
Not quite. “I wouldn’t say that, but like a good whiskey, I’ve gotten better with age.”
Lucy had blushed and looked away. “That’s a healthy ego you’re sporting.”
That’s not all I’m sporting. David had kept that thought to himself, too. He wasn’t used to being so turned on simply by sitting next to a woman. He didn’t believe in love at first sight, but he’d never experienced anything close to how Lucy made him feel. Every time she touched him, even if it was as innocent as resting her hand on his forearm, his blood pounded and his cock jumped to attention. The more she spoke, the more he wanted to hear her voice. There was a natural easiness about being with her, a feeling he’d known her longer than a day. It didn’t make sense. It didn’t need to. It simply was.
Leaving her that night had been one of the hardest things he’d ever done. He’d come close, so close, to kissing her, but something in her expression had stopped him. Even though he was certain she felt the same way he did, she was holding back. Not scared. Nothing as simple as that. There was a sadness in her eyes, and some confusion, too. When he’d asked her what was wrong, she pulled away.
She’d thanked him for coming up to see her as if they hadn’t just spent the most incredible day together. She said she appreciated that he’d come all that way to offer her help, but that she didn’t need it. When he tried to push for how she’d solved the situation, she withdrew from him again. It had been a confusing end to their time together, so David hadn’t been happy when he left.
By the time he parked his truck in the driveway of the Double C in Fort Mavis, he’d rationalized her reaction. She was, indeed, going through a rough time. She’d lost both of her parents. She hadn’t spoken much of how her brother was doing, but that was also telling. Sarah had said Steven wasn’t doing well. With all of that on her plate, it was no wonder Lucy wasn’t ready to jump into a relationship. She needed time to heal.
He called her that night and every night that week. She was a hard woman to get to know, but she was slowly opening up to him. David didn’t ask to return yet. That would come in time. What they were building was just as important as how good he knew that first kiss would feel. Lucy needed a friend, and if that’s where she wanted them to start, that’s where he’d begin.
“That must be a mighty good coffee for you to smile at it like that,” Lucas said. He was in his early twenties and had worked with David since the day after he’d left high school. At David’s encouragement, he’d recently gotten a degree in animal husbandry.
David looked up, caught, but not embarrassed at Lucas’s quick sense of humor. He didn’t bother to try to hide his smile. For the first time in a long while, he was simply happy. “It is. It really is.”
Austin, another ranch hand who had been around long enough to appreciate the way they joked, added, “He’s been like this ever since he came back from Mavis.”
Austin’s brother, Gunner, shook his head in mock disgust. “Don’t try to ask him something from eight o’clock until midnight. He has that phone glued to his head with that same stupid look on his face.”
They froze as if anticipating a verbal smackdown from David, but he just smiled.
Lucas chuckled. “So, if you’re all in love or whatever, what are you doing here and not there?”
David looked down at his coffee again and pictured Lucy’s expression the last time he’d seen her. “Some things shouldn’t be rushed.”
The men around him scoffed. David raised his eyes, not minding their comments. He was their boss, but they were also a family of sorts. “Someday, when your testicles finally descend, you’ll understand. This is the one. Don’t ask me how I know; I just do. I’m going to marry Lucy Albright.”
Chapter One
Six months later
It’s all me now. I have to make this work.
Lucy piled the last of the delivered boxes in the corner of what had once been her father’s home office. One of her hands lingered on the top of a box. Things are about to change around here. Do I have what it takes to start a home business?
Home. Not too much remained of the original furniture passed down through five generations of Albrights. It had taken the sale of every heirloom to hold off the bank before Ted had stepped forward with a loan.
They say cowgirls don’t cry, but that’s a lie. They don’t cry in public. They don’t post their woes on social networks or burden their friends, but that doesn’t mean they don’t sob into their pillows at night. A person could only cry so much, though, before it started to change them. Just like a horse that stayed down too long, a person could be down so long they forgot how to get up.
That won’t be me.
No one has to teach me about hard work or surviving tough times. I can muck stalls from dawn until dusk without a break. I can shoot a rifle with deadly accuracy. I’m a survivor.
Six months of living on her own had changed her. She wasn’t afraid anymore. She still had more bad days than good, but she was determined to change that.
I don’t blame Steven for leaving. We should have told Mom we didn’t want this place instead of promising we’d keep it for our children. We wanted to cheer her up. We thought there’d be time later to remind her of how completely ill-suited we were to take it over.
A person could only hurt so much before they looked for a way to make themselves feel better. Steven had turned to alcohol just like their mother had. Thankfully, he’d left Mavis before it could claim his life as well. Wherever he was, she hoped he was putting his life back together, just as Lucy was determined to.
She sat on a folding chair and propped her feet up on one of the large boxes that had been delivered that morning. If only—a person could waste their life away on “if onlys.” If only my father hadn’t been too stubborn to go to the doctor, he might not have died in the living room while arguing with my mother about something that clearly didn’t matter in the end.
If only my mother hadn’t turned to alcohol for comfort, she might not have crashed the night of the storm.
If only my brother had come to me earlier before things had become so bad I couldn’t fix them alone.
If only I could stop thinking about a man who has most certainly forgotten about me. An image of David Harmon came back with painful vividness. Attending her friend Sarah’s wedding had brought Lucy face-to-face with another regret. It was impossible not to think of David without wishing life were different. Tall, blond, and rugged, with eyes so blue it was near impossible to look into them and remember what one was saying. If only we’d met before my whole life fell apart.
I shouldn’t be thinking about David like that while I’m engaged to another man.
Lucy rubbed her hands over her tired eyes. Problem is, I shouldn’t be engaged.
Her cell phone rang. Speak of the devil. It was Ted York. Lucy placed her phone back in her jeans pocket. Her neighbor was in his late twenties and attractive enough—a good, church-going man who hadn’t pressured Lucy for sex even though they’d been engaged for nearly six months.
But I don’t love him. I tried to.
Ted had proposed when Lucy’s brother had left, and Lucy had clung to his support. She’d hit rock bottom, and saying yes had felt like the only way she’d survive. She’d been honest with him about not loving him, but he said he cared for her enough that they could make it work. She’d wanted to please him and had almost convinced herself she did love him—until she saw David again at the wedding.
I’ve made so many mistakes. So many stupid, stupid mistakes.
I could have refused his help. I could have found a way to make the ranch profitable on my own.
What do I know about ranching?
Mom, if you’d known how it would all turn out, would you still have asked me to promise to hold on to this place? I’m the last person anyone should ask to save anything. I’ve done a bang-up job of making a mess of things.
Lucy wiped away one lone tear and laughed sadly. Poor Ted. I need to tell him the truth. What do you say when you realize you don’t love a man even though he stepped in when everyone else left? Ted’s help had gone beyond the loan to ensure the ranch’s survival. He’d sent his own men to handle everything for her. In the past six months, she hadn’t needed to be involved at all in the day-to-day running of the ranch. Ted had said he would take care of everything, and he had. Can’t hate a man like that. Lucy blinked back more tears. Why can’t I love him?
Lucy remembered the many times her parents had warned her that her dreams got in the way of seeing what was important in life. If her mother had been alive to ask, Lucy knew exactly what she’d say about Lucy’s engagement to Ted. It was the right thing to do.
She could hear her mother’s voice in her head: “Life is full of tempting, bad choices. You steer clear of those. You hear me, Lucy?”
Tempting, bad choices.
Like foolishly wanting a man she’d only met a handful of times. Letting David into her dreams at night made her feel worse instead of better. Memories of him tortured her, mocking her each time she tried to tell herself she could be happy with Ted.
Yes, David was handsome, but her mother had always said physical attraction was like a rainbow—beautiful but fleeting, and not something a person builds a life around.
Ted says he loves me. Shouldn’t that mean something to me?
Declarations like that aren’t supposed to make a person sad, are they? Lucy was filled with shame and regret each time he spoke of their future together. I should have said no when he asked me to marry him. I’m not a person who takes the easy way out.
At least, I never used to be.
Lucy clenched her hands and looked around the room. In her head, she directed her words at the only thing she had left—the house. I promised I’d do whatever I needed to hold on to you, and I will, but I won’t do it the way my mother would have approved of. I’ll do it my way.
And alone.
It’s time I stopped thinking about what I don’t have and take control of what I do. It’s not too late. Thank you, Sarah, for waking me up to that.
She spoke with Sarah frequently. Never about David. Sometimes about Steven.
Often about Ted, but it was impossible not to feel desperate and trapped when talking to the oh-so-happy Sarah. The last time they’d spoken, Lucy had blurted that out—along with the rest of what she’d been holding in. She had finally shared with Sarah how she felt about Ted, how when he’d first stepped forward to help her, Lucy had told him she couldn’t love anyone. She had admitted that Ted had said he loved her enough for both of them.
And I said yes, even though I knew it was the wrong choice.
A tempting, bad choice I regret.
“You can’t marry a man you don’t love,” Sarah had exclaimed.
Lucy had answered, “I don’t know what to do. After all he’s done for me, the public embarrassment alone would be enough to make him hate me.” And I don’t need another reason to feel worse about myself.
“He’ll get over it. Trust me, a man would rather be a little embarrassed than find himself married to a woman who doesn’t love him.”
Lucy had smiled. “You’ve got a lot to learn about Texan men, even though you’re married to one. I swear the reason most of them settled here was they were too proud to turn their wagons around and go home.”
Her joke hadn’t lessened any of the tension in the conversation. “You have to tell him, Lucy.”
Lucy had sighed. In that moment, she’d acknowledged the truth to herself. “I know.”
I know.
There wasn’t another person on the planet Lucy would have shared so much with, but once she had started, the rest poured out. “I owe Ted a lot of money. If he wants me to pay him back now, I’ll lose everything. I can’t run this ranch by myself, and I don’t have any of the old ranch hands. Walking away from him will bring everything crashing back down. Am I making a mistake? Maybe I should be grateful I found a way to survive at all.”
“Never ever settle for survival. Every problem has a solution. All you need is to find a way to bring in some income,” Sarah had said, as if it were the simplest thing to do.
“I’ve tried.” Waitressing wouldn’t bring in the type of money she needed, and the town didn’t have the kind of jobs she’d gone to school for. It was the lack of opportunity that had been the largest reason she’d left. Ironically, she now saw it as the reason why she might lose what she’d once walked away from.
“The world is online now,” Sarah had said, “and you should be, too. What about a franchise business you can run from your home?”
And just like that the world had opened to Lucy again. Sarah had always believed anything was possible. She reminded Lucy of herself before her parents’ deaths. So positive. So sure everything always worked out for the best.
Lucy stood and walked to the window of her father’s office. Never ever settle for surviving.
So easy to say.
Still, Sarah’s words had echoed through Lucy many times after that day. If the past year had taught Lucy anything, it was that surviving was just a slow way of dying.
With renewed determination, she spent the next week researching ways she could make money online. She found an online start-up business and used the last money in her bank account to invest in it. Outside of somehow making the franchise financially successful enough to pay Ted back and float the ranch, there was only one thing left to do.
Lucy took out her phone again and called Ted.
“Hello, sunshine,” he said.
Simply calling me that proves how little he knows me, how very well I’ve hidden my desperation from him. “Ted, we need to talk. Could we meet somewhere?”
“Today isn’t good. Too much going on here.”
“It’s important.”
“You don’t know what important is, Lucy. Whatever is bugging you, we’ll talk about it this weekend when you come to dinner with my parents.”
“It can’t wait that long. It’s about the wedding.”
Ted sighed impatiently. “Are you still upset about my mother wanting you to wear her wedding dress? I won’t discuss it again. Starting a marriage by offending my mother is not the ideal way to enter my family.”
Yeah, about that. “I can’t marry you, Ted.”
Ted’s voice rose. “What do you mean you can’t?”
“I’m not ready to get married. Not to you. Not to anyone.” Lame, but all I have.
He fell silent for a long moment. “If choosing your dress is that important to you, then I guess we can throw good money away on it.”
Lucy covered her face with one hand. God, I’m a coward to do this on the phone. “I don’t care about the dress, Ted. I don’t want to get married.”
There was another painfully long pause. “Is there someone else?”
Lucy refused to give the memory of David that kind of importance. “No. I feel awful, but I tried to tell you that I’m not myself right now. I don’t have anything to give anyone.”
“If you need more time . . .”
“Time won’t change my mind.”
With an angry snarl, Ted asked, “What changed? The idea of marrying me wasn’t so awful when I was paying off your loan.”
“That’s not fair.” It’s what I deserve to hear, I guess. Still, it’s not how I want him to see it. “You know I appreciate everything you’ve done.”
“I don’t want your damn appreciation, Lucy. I thought we were building something together. Hell, you’re wearing my grandmother’s diamond ring. Now you want to call the wedding off for no reason at all. I’ve been good to you, haven’t I? My family has ta
ken you in as one of their own. What is so wrong that you’re willing to throw all that away?”
“I don’t love you, Ted.” There, I said it. He’ll thank me one day.
The sound of his indrawn breath was a hiss.
Lucy rushed to say something, anything that would make him feel better. “I can’t tell you how grateful I am to you for all you’ve done for me. I’ll pay you back. I swear I will. I’ll just need a little time.”
Ted’s voice was tight with emotion. “You still have your ranch because of me, Lucy. My men have been there as much as at my own place. If you walk away from me, you’d better be damn sure you’re ready to stand on your own.” He didn’t sound like a man about to lose the woman he loved. He sounded like a businessman who realized a deal was going south.
Lucy told herself it was because she’d hurt him. “I am. I’m sorry, Ted.”
In a steely voice, he warned, “If you do this, Lucy, I won’t take you back.”
Did I expect him to beg me to stay? Proclaim that he loves me enough to wait, no matter how long I need? Love is just a word people say. It never means they’ll stay.
“I understand.”
Anger entered his voice again. “I don’t know what you learned in those years you spent up north, but around here we treat people better. I should be grateful to discover your lack of character now instead of after the wedding vows.”
If he thinks this will make me feel worse, he has no idea how much I already hate myself. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“I’ll be fine,” Ted said, with coldness in his tone. “You’re the one I feel sorry for. That ranch is as good as gone now. You won’t find anyone else willing to help you. No one besides me gives a shit about you. You and your brother always thought you were better than us. All either of you ever wanted was to leave. Well, here’s your chance.”
Long after he’d hung up, Lucy stood there shaking. They say when you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up. So how do I keep sinking?
There was very little left that Lucy recognized about herself. The strong independent woman she’d been was now near giving up and so alone, she ached.