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I woke up very few times during the night, but each time I did, it was due to the nurses coming in to check on me. As for Logan, he didn’t seem to be bothered by them. He slept all night long without making a sound. There were a few times that I didn’t go back to sleep right away, instead, I stayed up and watched him sleep for a bit… I felt safe in his arms again and I wanted it to stay like that forever.
Sadly, my little fairytale ended when Logan woke me up the next morning, “Mom and Alex are on their way up.” He sits down in the chair again as I frown. “What? As much as I would love to sleep some more, I’d rather not get my mom started on the whole romance thing. Not something I want to hear from her, you know.”
Okay, I’ll live for a little while, I guess… “Goodness, Caroline, are you alright? You look so pale!” Helen asks, walking around the bed.
“Uh, thanks?” I add as Alex chuckles and sits down beside Logan.
“Oh, you know what I meant, dear. How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine. It wasn’t a big deal.”
She gasps, “Of course it was! Speaking of which, I think Alex and I should move back in so I can keep an eye on you.” As soon as she says that, the monitor above me starts beeping like crazy.
Logan quickly stands, “Mom, can I speak to you a moment.” She gives him a glare. “Now.” He adds sternly as she follows him out the door.
Alex chuckles, “Man, I’d love to hear what he says to her.”
“So would I.” It only takes a minute before they return. They’re both smiling as Logan takes his place again.
“Sorry, dear. I didn’t mean to stress you. Um, Logan said you had something you wanted to tell me?”
I glance at Logan as he nods toward her, “Well, we found out the gender last night…”
“Well, which is it? Don’t keep a grandmother waiting!” She says excitedly.
I take a dramatic pause. “It’s a girl.”
She smiles, “Oh my! Well, we have to pick a name!”
Logan speaks up, “Mom, we already have.”
“Oh…”
Alex looks to me, “So, what’s my lovely Niece’s name?”
“Julianna Nicole.”
“Was there a purpose to that name?” Helen asks, looking at Logan.
He nods, “Julianna, in memory of Julie and Nicole, in memory of Nick… We chose it months ago before I left.”
“That’s very nice…” She trails off as Alex stands.
“Well, I think we’d better get going, I’m sure you’re in no mood for company and you should be released here shortly anyway…. Come on, mom.” He says, opening the door for her as she reluctantly follows.
“Gez, now I understand why she drove you crazy,” Logan adds once the door closes.
“She’s not that bad…”
He chuckles, “Caroline, she’s my mom, I know she’s bad.”
“Maybe a little…” A few minutes after they left, the Doctor came in and checked all the monitors. He said that it was safe for me to go home, but I had to control my temper. I needed to be calm and stay that way until closer to my due date.
After I signed all my release paperwork, I was free to go home. It felt nice to be outside again, even though I had only been in the hospital overnight. I absolutely hated hospitals and I hated being cooped up even more.
Logan never let me get even a step ahead of him as we made it to Crimson. After we pulled out of the parking lot, I remembered something that we needed to talk about. “So, you know a car seat is going to be really hard to fit in our little sports cars…”
He smirks, “I know.” I cock an eyebrow. “Here in a month or so, I’m going to trade Crimson in for an SUV.”
“What? No. I’m going to trade Phoenix in.”
He glances at me sharply, then focuses on the road. “Care, you’re obsessed with that car, I’m not going to let you get rid of it.”
“I’m the mother, I’m the one that’s supposed to drive a minivan, you know, except I’m totally not the minivan type… Nope, I was thinking more along the lines of a GMC Yukon or a Toyota Sequoia.”
“Thinkin’ big, huh… We’ll talk about it later.” He changes the subject. “So, now that we know it’s a girl, looks like I’ll be spending some time in the nursery, eh?”
“Well, actually, I think we should go on a little shopping trip tomorrow… I need to look at some paint colors…”
“I knew that was coming.” He smiles as we pull into the garage. He unlocks the door as I sit down on the couch. He throws his keys on the counter and sits down next to me.
“So, we’re eventually going to have to talk about what happened yesterday. The General says it’ll be good for us.”
I sigh loudly, knowing we’ll have to get it over with sooner or later. “Go on.”
“Everything I said was the truth, but the way Dr. Wilson explained it, wasn’t the way I had meant it. I felt bad after Nick died, I always felt like I could have saved him, but I realized that his injuries were too severe. No one could have saved him. After we moved here, I did feel a little guilty for having feelings for you, at first, but I couldn’t help that, I had heard Nick talk so much about you, I felt like I was stealing you away from him. But after I got to know you more, I realized what Nick meant. He wanted me to take care of you and in order to do that, I guess he really did want me to marry you. You see, Dr. Wilson explained a lot of the things that I felt guilty for in the past, not the things I do now. I would never feel guilty for loving you, Care.”
Now, I felt guilty for even thinking such a thing. “Maybe instead of having the therapists speak for us, we should just speak for ourselves.”
“Agreed.”
“So, what do you say we make today a movie marathon and cuddle fest?” I ask, smiling sheepishly.
He chuckles, “What is up with you lately? You don’t usually like all that.”
“One word.” Dramatic pause. “Hormones.”
Logan's Point of View
Guilty [ giltē ]
1. To blame or feel responsible for a specified wrongdoing.
I told Caroline the truth, I didn't feel guilty for loving her, not anymore. But what I didn't talk about was my soldiers. I felt horrible for their families. I shouldn't have given them an order to move forward when I had a bad feeling. I didn't see or hear anything, so my first instinct was to continue ahead. Why didn't I listen to my gut? I could have saved a lot of lives if I had.
I have yet to talk to Care about it and I don't want to. I just got her back, she's calm, and I don't want her to risk losing Julianna just to try to save my guilty conscience. I'm a Captain, I knew when I took the job that it wouldn't be any easier losing a member of my team than it was before. Losing a life is hard for everyone, but when you call the shots, you hold their life in your hands.
I try not to think about it, I try to keep focused on Caroline and the baby, but sometimes, it just doesn’t seem to work. Everything I look at seems to remind me of someone I was responsible for… Someone that died right before my eyes. How could I ever go back to work? How could I face the ones that made it and never even flinch at the sound of their names? I’m supposed to be their leader, but how can I do that when I can’t even control my temper around my wife…
“Logan, are you alright?” Caroline asks as she sits a plate of pancakes on the bar.
I snap out of my daydream, “Yep, just fine… Well, you added blueberries.” I smile as she looks at me curiously, “Yeah, you asked me to fix blueberry pancakes this morning, remember?”
“Oh, yeah… Sorry, just forgot.”
“Logan, are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yes, Care, I’m fine. Just daydreaming was all.”
She smirks, “Yeah, daydreaming about that nursery, I’ll bet.”
“Speaking of that, when are we going to look at paint colors?”
“As soon as you finish eating.” She picks up her iPad and flips through some pictures. “
I want it to match this.” She turns it around and shows me a picture of a nursery. It’s a Cinderella themed room, decorated in white and pale pink.
“So, which do you think?”
“Well, I think we should go with white, it should only take one coat since the room’s just painted light blue.” She explains. Sounds just like Care, overanalyzing things.
“Fine with me,” I smile as I finish up my pancakes. Afterward, we get ready and head out to the store. On the way there, Care speaks up, “Now, remember, tomorrow I have a Doctor’s appointment and Saturday, Katie’s throwing us a baby shower.”
“This Saturday?” She nods. “Well, I’ll be sure and hang out with Alex or something. When does it start?” She looks at me, quite upset. “What?”
“Logan, you’re going to the baby shower.” She says sternly.
“But don’t most Dad-to-be’s go somewhere else?”
“Most, but not you. I want you to be there, it isn’t going to be like overly girly, I promise, I just think we should open gifts together. It’ll be fun.”
“Alright then, I’ll be there.” It couldn’t be too bad, right?
I dismiss the thought from my head as we pull into the parking lot. “So, when are we going to buy the furniture for the nursery?” I ask as we walk into the store hand in hand.
“Maybe next week? I wanted to see what we got out of the baby shower before I bought anything else.” We continue through a long aisle until we stop at the back of the store.
“Are you sure you want plain white?” I ask again.
She assures me, “Positive.”
“Alright.” I put three gallons of white paint in the buggy along with some masking tape, paint brushes, a roller kit, and some plastic for the floor. When I turn back around, Care’s gone. I head back down the aisles and find her near the baby décor. “Isn’t that perfect?” She asks looking at a bumper set for the crib. It’s pale pink with a border of Cinderella. It looks just like the one in the picture she showed me.
“That looks just like-”
She cuts me off, “I know! So weird! Anyway, did you get everything you needed?”
“Yep, why don’t you go get in the car while I check out?” I hand her the keys as she walks off. I throw the set into the buggy, knowing that it would be a wonderful gift for Caroline later.
It doesn’t take me long to check out and within forty-five minutes of leaving the house, we’re already back. I make Care unlock the door as I quickly grab all the bags and shut the trunk, hiding her present. When we get inside, she runs off into the bedroom. “What are you doing?”
“Finding something to paint in.”
“You’re going to help me paint?”
“Yeah, I couldn’t let you have all the fun.” I roll my eyes as I go upstairs and sit everything down. I go ahead and spread out the plastic on the floor before I head back downstairs. I pass Caroline on the way, who’s now wearing an old t-shirt and some ripped up jeans, not that I’m complaining, of course.
She smiles as she passes me. I quickly change before meeting her upstairs. When I opened the door, I was quite surprised. She had already taped off the baseboards and had just started painting. “Well, aren’t you little Miss Independent?”
She chuckles, “I learned.” I grab my paint brush and start on the opposite wall. “So, when do you think we’ll be finished?”
I shrug, “Don’t know. If we work a couple hours tonight, maybe tomorrow evening.”
We work in silence for a bit until Care gives me a crooked smile, “I think you need to go look in the mirror.”
I immediately look at my hands, “Did I get paint on myself?”
She walks over, “Yep, right there.” She dips her pointer finger in paint and swipes it across my face. I chuckle, “Oh no, you didn’t…”
She smiles, “Oh yes, I did.”
“Well, Mrs. Cook, two can play that game…” I stick my brush into the paint as she starts running in a circle around the room.
“No, Logan! No paint on the pregnant lady!” She laughs.
“I don’t think Julianna would mind!” I catch up and paint a straight line down her arm. “You’re lucky it was just your arm.”
She chuckles and splashes paint all over me. “Oh, it’s on!”
I have to say, that was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Just me and Caroline acting silly. We might have wasted an entire gallon of paint in the process, but it was totally worth it. That moment with her, it was something that I had missed for a long time and I never wanted it to end.