Chapter Thirteen
I thought I had helped her.
I thought she understood what I had said. She was supposed to continue her life, not end it. Why had she chosen to do that? Why wouldn’t she want to live?
Those two questions never left my mind that day. I felt like it was my fault. Why did I have to mention her family? There had to be a reason why they didn’t speak to one another and I guess, this was my drastic answer. I shouldn’t give advice, I mean, look what I've done now. How could I ever forgive myself for this? How would Jessica and Amanda think of me now? I couldn't help them...
If anything, I should stay far, far away.
Logan tried to comfort me, but I felt like he didn't really know what to do. I caught him mumbling to himself often that day, I couldn't quite make out what he was saying but I did catch one word...
Nick.
That's when I realized Logan really didn't know what to do. It kind of scared me, I mean, as long as I had known my husband, never once did he not know what to say to me...
Even as my grief counselor, he always knew what would calm me down, what would make me listen to him, but he never once tried to say anything. We sat there pretty much all day, ignoring the phone calls, the messages on the answering machine, basically the entire outside world. It's like our world just stopped turning that day.
We sat like that for hours on end, never saying a word to one another, until Logan let go of me and walked outside. I knew he was calling the General if he didn't, he was likely to show up any minute and I think both of us just really wanted to be left alone.
After Logan left, I pulled myself up and stood in the living room alone. I walked up to the patio doors and saw Logan pacing the yard on the phone. He was shaking his head and I became really curious as to what he was saying. I cracked the door, just a tad and stood behind the curtain so he couldn't see me. "I don't know. She hasn't said anything to me all day... No, I haven't said anything either, but I honestly don't know where to start. I used to be good at these things, but for the first time, in a long time, I'm speechless. This is one of those times when I really wish Nick was here. He would know what to say."
I slide the door shut again as I turn around and almost run into an end table. I notice a picture frame sitting on the edge and I pick it up to see which one it is. When I turn the frame over, I smile. It's of Nick and Logan about two months before Nick passed away. Nick's got that famous crooked smile on his face and Logan's just got a sly smirk.
I wish I could have seen Logan and Nick's friendship. I really wish I could have, just to see what they would have acted like, what they talked about. I never really met any of Nick's friends, and even now, Logan doesn't talk about any of them.
I stood there a few more minutes as I finally realized what I needed to do. When I heard the door open, I turned around and faced Logan. I took a deep breath and said what I needed to say, "I think I need to go home."
He cocked an eyebrow, "You are home?"
"I mean, I need to go to the place that was home before Fort Lee."
"You want to fly to Kentucky?" He asks, still a little shocked.
"Yeah. Well, I'd rather drive actually. I just think I should visit. I haven’t been back there in three years. I haven't been to the cemetery since Nick died and I think I should just get away for awhile."
"Are you sure? You said you never wanted to go back."
I nod, "I want to go."
"Okay, when?" He asks.
Hmm, that was easier than I thought. "Now."
His eyes go wide, "Now? I was thinking maybe next week or maybe over the weekend?"
I shake my head, "No, I want to go now."
"Care, are you sure you're just not trying to forget the fact that Sarah died? You should at least go to the funeral."
I sigh, "Let me put it this way, I'm going with or without you. Please don’t make it the second option." I hated to be like that, but for some reason, I just felt like I needed to go.
He purses his lips, "Determined, eh? Alright, we'll go. Right now."
"Thank you, dear." I give him a quick kiss as I run off to the bedroom. I pull out some luggage and start throwing some clothes and such inside. Once I pack my things, I pack some stuff for Logan, then walk back into the living room, "I'm ready."
He looks at the bags, "How long are we staying, exactly?"
"Just one night. We'll be back before the funeral, I promise."
He sighs, "Which vehicle are we taking?"
"Phoenix, cause I'm driving. This will be my last road trip with her since I'll be trading for an SUV when we get back."
He rolls his eyes, "Again, so not happening. I told you, I'm trading Crimson."
"And I said you're not. Now, let's go."
He didn't bother to argue after that, he just locked up and followed me out to the garage. I thought that this trip would help us both with our problems, I know Logan's still feeling a little guilty for the guys he lost, he can't hide that stuff from me. I'm his wife. But maybe this would help.
We could only hope.