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Alone [ ə lṓn ]
1. Having no one else present; on one’s own.
This was the way I felt, yet I wasn’t really alone in the physical sense. Helen and Alex arrived the day after Logan left. They were there to keep me company but it didn’t feel right. I couldn’t talk to them like I talked to Logan, it just wasn’t the same…
All Alex did was stay in the basement, which Logan had turned into a workout space about a year ago. I only saw him when food was involved, so he wasn’t much company. Actually, half the time, I forgot he was even there.
Helen always wanted to chat about the baby, which was okay for a little while, but soon, it became a little overwhelming for me. She had told me multiple times that she wanted to decorate the nursery and have it be a baby shower gift, but I just thought that was too much and honestly, I wanted to be the one to decorate the nursery… It was my baby.
I love Helen, I do, but I’m afraid she’s going to put too much stress on me and the baby. I understand that she’s really excited to be a grandmother, but she needs to give me a little space. She’s had her own experience as a mother, I just wish she would let me have mine…
“Caroline? Please do not tell me you’re eating those again!” Helen walks up behind me as I turn around with a bag of Sour Patch Kids. “Oh dear, child. You’re going to develop diabetes if you keep eating those like that!”
“The Doctor said it was perfectly normal to crave things like this, no big deal.” I walk around her and grab the peanut butter off the counter. Weird, I know, but lately I can’t get enough of Sour Patch Kids dipped in the gooey, sweet substance. I’m sure Logan will get a kick out of that, I told him in the last letter I sent and I was hoping I would get his reply today.
We’ve sent at least forty letters between the two of us in the last month. I can honestly say that I have never gotten so excited to see the mailman in my life. I can usually time him down to the minute and it’s always my favorite part of the day.
I walk into the dining room and place my snacks on the table. I pull up a chair to the big bay window and begin munching on my goodies. I look up at the clock above the piano, 11:57AM.
He should be coming up the drive any minute now…
As usual, he was right on time. I didn’t think twice about running outside without putting any shoes on, it was summer and very warm outside, but even if the driveway was flaming hot, it didn’t matter. I had hoped and prayed that there would be a letter out there with my name on it.
The mail truck had just pulled away when I arrived at the gray stone mailbox. I opened the squeaky door and pulled out a handful of papers. It was mostly junk, but at the very bottom was a crisp, white envelope addressed to me.
I quickly ran back into the house, sighing in relief as my feet touched the cool floor. I ran into my bedroom and shut the door as I tore the envelope open and pulled out the handwritten letter that smelled exactly like Logan.
Letter #41
My Dearest Caroline,
I have to say, I was not expecting your first craving to be Sour Patch Kids and peanut butter, that’s definitely something. I thought it would be ice cream or something kind of normal, but I should’ve known, you’d pick the weirdest thing. Just curious, how bad are the cravings? I mean is that all you eat now? Or do you at least eat a few things a little healthier? :)
I hate to say it, but I told you so. My mother is a lot better than she used to be, but she can still get on people's nerves, especially yours. Even though she may get under your skin, I feel better that someone is there with you. How’s Alex? You haven’t mentioned him in your past few letters?
Now, don’t get too excited, but I might, possibly, get to make a call home in the next few days. Everyone’s been really depressed lately and the General has agreed to let us make a quick phone call once we get to the next base.
I don’t know how long it’ll take to get there, we’re in a bind right now, but I promise, I will at least get my unit there and I will call, even if it’s midnight in Virginia. You have no idea how badly I need to hear your voice…
There’s not an hour that goes by that I don’t think about you. I miss you so much, Caroline… I don’t think I really realized how much of a toll it takes on a person to leave someone like you. I know I left Julie all those years ago, but I swear I never felt like this.
I never fully understood why Nick talked about you every second of every day until I was in that position. He did that because he was afraid of forgetting all the memories he had of you. If he talked about them every day, they would stay fresh in his mind and maybe all the gruesomeness of war wouldn’t get to him so much.
Every time we lost a soldier, Nick would always say, “There’s something Caroline always told me… When a life is taken, one is given.” I have found myself reciting those same words to my unit. It seems like every day I’m gone, the more I think about things you’ve said to me.
The other night, as I was trying to sleep, I found myself thinking about the night my parents showed up at the base. After my argument with them, I went into your room and you never even bothered to ask why I was so angry. Even though they talked so badly to you, you said it was my business. That was the night that I truly fell in love with you.
I don’t just think about those things, though, I think about some of the funny things too. Like that night when you wore Barney pajamas to bed. That definitely lightened the mood. And then when I bought Crimson and we had that silly bet with an employee of the car lot.
Those things get me through the day, Caroline, and they’re all because of you. I can’t wait to hear from you again.
Love Always,
Logan
I wipe a tear away from my eye as I sit down at my desk. I pull out a pen and paper and write back. I do this every time I get a letter, I waste no time in sending one back, usually, I take it to the post office right after I finish it.
Letter #42
Dear Logan,
You should’ve known that I would crave the sweetest of foods. :) I tend to go through at least a pound of Sour Patch Kids every other day and a jar of peanut butter every two or three. Helen has figured out that she needs to buy in bulk now, so she doesn’t have to run to the market so much.
Cravings are a little hard to explain but it’s like you suddenly have an urge to eat something that you don’t normally eat. When I first craved them, it was almost like I could smell and taste them even though they weren’t even in the house. Weird, I know, but the Doctor says it’s perfectly normal, which is exactly what I keep telling your mother. She swears I’m going to end up being diabetic if I don’t stop eating them.
I don’t eat them all the time, I do eat normal things like chicken and such. (I really like chicken.) Yeah, probably another craving coming on. So don’t worry, I’m getting plenty of nutritional foods as well.
As for Alex, well, I don’t really see him much. He’s been living in the basement since he got here. He was really excited when I told him that you had converted it into a gym. Truthfully, I only see him when food is involved.
You tell me to not get excited, but what do you expect? I’ll probably jump at every sound at night now, thinking it may be the phone! :) I can’t wait to hear your voice and I’m sure baby Julianna is excited to hear from daddy too!
I’m only about nine weeks pregnant and I swear the mommy instincts are already kicking in. I constantly talk to my stomach like it can talk back, which I think makes your mother a little uncomfortable, as she thinks I’m talking to her.
I miss you too, Logan and I wish that this war would end this very minute even though we both know that won’t happen. I never felt this way with Nick either, it’s like the hole in my heart is a hundred times bigger now that you’re away.
I think about you all the time and I find myself talking aloud to Julianna. I have this weird feeling that I should always bring you up when I talk to her so that she knows you’re still here in a way.
I think she’s very happy when I bring you up, even though she isn’t ready to start kicking yet, I feel like she really loves her daddy.
The Doctor said the baby feels everything mommy does once they start developing, so I know she’s missing you too.
I can’t wait to hear from you.
Forever & Always,
Caroline