“An-and…” I carefully bring my eyes back to him. My stare catches on his scars. I never normally see them; they don’t stand out to me because they’re a part of him.
But, now, I’m seeing them.
I lift my eyes to his and gulp. “Di-did you…have anything to do with their…deaths?”
His eyes flicker with something…fear maybe?
He blows out a breath. It sounds resigned.
When he looks back at me, the look in his eyes is wary. “I think you know the answer to that as well.”
“Oh, Jesus.” I back up a step and bump into the desk, making the knives and gun rattle.
Kas’s eyes go straight to them and then back to me.
I sidestep the desk, moving away but not too far away that I can’t grab a weapon if I need to. “You killed them both.”
“Yes.”
Oh God.
“And you’re going to kill Damien.”
He doesn’t answer. He just stares steadily back at me, like he’s weighing up how to answer.
But he doesn’t need to answer because I already know.
Damien’s picture wouldn’t be pinned up on that wall next to theirs if Kas weren’t planning on killing him.
“How will Damien die?” I whisper.
“Painfully.”
“Oh God. Are you going to kill me, too?”
“What?” He looks stunned, like I just punched him in his face.
His whole demeanor changes. His arms drop from the doorframe, and he steps forward, eyes wide with shock. “Jesus. No. Of course not. Why would you ever think that?”
And it’s this moment that my brain chooses to explode out through my mouth. “Because you have guns and knives in here! And you’ve killed two men already—who, of course, deserved it—and you are planning to kill another man—who also deserves it! But you’ve killed people, and you have my picture all over your goddamn wall!” I slice a hand in the direction of the pictures. My chest heaves with fearful, angry breaths as the echo of my words silently reverberate around the room.
Kas drags a hand through his hair, his other hand crossing his chest to cover his heart. “I would never hurt you, Daisy. Never,” he states emphatically. “This”—he moves a hand, gesturing to his wall of fame—“is just a part of my life that I never wanted you to find out about.”
“Jesus fucking Christ!” I pinch the bridge of my nose, taking deep breaths in and out. “I’m in love with a killer. Only I could fall in love with a killer. God, what the hell is wrong with me?”
“What did you say?”
Dropping my hand, I scowl over at him. “Sorry, should I not call you a killer?”
“You’re…” He blinks. Shaking his head, he takes another step forward. “You’re in love with me.”
Oh. Shit.
Did I just tell him that I was in love with him?
Am I in love with him?
Oh God. I am.
I’m in love with Norman Bates.
Well, he’s not exactly a psycho. He’s a man out for revenge. But he’s killed people. And it’s not exactly the ideal time to tell the man you’re dating that you’re in love with him moments after finding out he’s the real-life version of The Punisher.
“I…I…it’s not really the point right now,” I utter dismissively.
“It’s the only point.”
When I look into his face, I see tenderness. It curls around my heart and squeezes tight.
I shut my eyes against the feeling. “I don’t even know you,” I whisper. “I can’t be in love with a man I don’t know.”
I feel him move closer.
“You know me, Daisy. You’re the only person who truly knows me.”
I open my eyes and stare up into his soulful eyes. The hope in his gaze makes me ache.
I shake my head. “No, I don’t. You’ve lied to me from the second I met you. You knew me before I even knew you.” I point at the picture of me and Jason on the wall, but his eyes don’t leave mine. “How did I end up working for you, Kas?” My words are quiet.
His eyes close briefly, his brows drawing together, as if I just yelled at him. “I made it so that you would come work for me.”
A sick feeling unfurls in my stomach.
“Why would you do that?” I think I already know, but I need him to tell me. I need to hear this from him.
He takes a step back, putting much-needed distance between us. “Because I’ve been trying to pin down Damien Doyle for a long time. But he has this fucking amazing ability to disappear. And, when he disappears, he goes completely off the grid, and there’s just no finding him. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“I just needed an in with him. That’s how I get close enough to kill them. They don’t remember me. I look very different to the kid they tortured in that park seven years ago. I get in, and then I kill them.
“Damien had only just reappeared back in London after being gone for a long time, and that was when I found out he had a brother. I saw my way in to get close to Damien. But Jason was skittish. He was afraid of his brother, but he was loyal as fuck to him. Then…I found out that Jason had a girlfriend.”
“You know Jason.” I wrap my arms over my chest, rubbing my suddenly chilled arms with my hands.
“I’d watched him for a while. Then, one night, I followed him to a bar. Started talking to him. He talked easy with a few beers in him, but he clammed up at the mention of his brother. He liked to talk about you though. A lot.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, fists clenching at my sides.
“I watched you…and, fuck, Daisy, you were so beautiful. I had never seen someone so beautiful. Watching you, parts of me started to awaken. But I wanted to hate you because I thought you were one of them. I thought you had to know the kind of people you were involved with. And then, a few weeks later, you were arrested, and I was proven right—or so I thought.
“I knew Jason wasn’t capable of orchestrating anything; the guy’s a fucking flake. I got that after just spending a few hours talking to him. I knew, in my gut, that it was something to do with Damien. It had him written all over it. And, if you were involved, then that meant you were close to Damien. I saw you as my in. I was going to use you to get close to him. Then, I was going to kill him.
“Of course, Damien disappeared right after you were arrested. So, I waited. Then, when your release came up, I got in touch with a friend of Jude’s who works in probation service. I told him I wanted to help out with the Back to Work program they have for felons. I said I was looking for a maid because my last one had left unexpectedly. He put me in touch with Toby—”
“Tania,” I breathe out her name. “Did she leave voluntarily? Or did you make her leave?”
His eyes flash with hurt. “Tania was an illegal immigrant. She was deported back to Poland. I kept it quiet, as I didn’t want negative attention brought to the estate.”
“Convenient timing for you.”
Jaw gritted, he says, “Tania was gone for two months before you started working here. I didn’t fucking hurt her, Daisy. I don’t go around killing people for fun. Tania’s alive and well and living in Poland with her family. I can prove it to you—”
“Were you and she…”
“No.” Disappointment flickers in his eyes. “There has been no one but you. You know that.”
“Yeah, well, forgive me for not believing a word you’ve ever said.”
“I’ve never lied to you, Daisy. I’ve kept things from you, but I’ve never lied.”
“Bullshit!” I jab a finger in the direction of his office. “You stared into my eyes and barefaced lied to me the other day! You stood there and told me that fucking door never existed!”
Anger flashes across his face. “Clearly, that was a mistake. And I might have lied about that—hidden that from you, but it was with good reason. But I have never lied about anything to do with you and me.”
“All of this has to do with you and me!” I throw my arms around. “You kept this f
rom me!”
“How was I supposed to tell you? By the way, Daisy, I’m taking out the men who raped and murdered my childhood sweetheart—the men who did this to me and left me for dead!” He slams a hand against his scarred chest. “That getting my revenge is the only thing that’s kept me breathing for the last seven years!” He breaks off, panting, his eyes wild and wide on me.
The worst thing is…I get it.
I get why he’s done what he’s done. If they’d done that to me or Cece or Jesse—what they’d done to him and Haley—I’d want to kill them, too.
But that doesn’t mean I would. I would let the law do its job.
“Why kill them? Why not turn them over to the police?”
He barks out a laugh, but there’s not a shred of humor in it. He steps back, leaning against the wall, and folds his arms over his chest, staring straight ahead at the wall that is covered with the news cuttings and pictures of Haley.
“Because the police don’t do shit. I gave them descriptions. The best I could. They put out photofits on the news. Canvased the area. Brought in a few suspects. Never the right ones though. Time passed. Interest in the case dwindled.
“So, I decided to do something about it myself. It was the least I could do for Haley and her family. She died because I took her in there that night. So, I was going to do the only thing I could. Wipe those three pieces of scum from the earth. It took me a long time to find them. But when I did…” Pained eyes come over to me.
“When I killed Foster…I threw up afterward.” He lets out a sad-sounding, derogatory laugh. “But I also felt good. Like I was finally doing something right for Haley. Killing Betts…I wouldn’t say it was easier, but to know I was ridding the world of those motherfuckers felt good. But Doyle…he’s the one I want more than anything. He was the driving force in what happened that night.”
“He’s the one who raped Haley first? The one who thanked you for letting him…it was him who stabbed you over and over?”
He nods slowly. “I just need to kill him…and then everything will be right.”
I feel like he’s not even talking to me right now.
“I kill Doyle, and I’ll have paid my debt back to Haley.”
I take a tentative step toward him. “Haley wouldn’t have wanted you to do this.”
He looks at me, and the pain in his expression cuts right through me. “I owe her, Daisy.” He looks away from me and to her picture. Tenderness spreads through his expression. “She was mine to protect, and I failed her. I won’t fail her again. I will kill Doyle. I’ll get my revenge for her…if it’s the last thing I do.”
Something inside me breaks.
Watching him stare at her picture, I feel like a voyeur. And I realize in this moment that whatever Kas feels for me will never be anything compared to what he felt for Haley…still feels for her.
I can’t even be jealous because she deserved to be loved. And, after what he lived through, he deserves his revenge.
But I can’t be a party to it. I have too much to lose.
“I understand your need for revenge, Kas. For what he did to you and Haley—”
“And you.” His eyes snap to mine, anger flaring in them. “He put you in prison. He stole eighteen months of your life. Because of him, you lost Jesse. This isn’t just about Haley anymore, Daisy. It’s about you, too.”
My heart constricts painfully.
I take a step toward him. “I don’t want you to do anything for me. I made my peace with what had happened to me a long time ago.”
But I do want that bastard to die for what he did to Kas. I just don’t want Kas to be the one to do it. Kas has endured and suffered enough. More than anyone ever should. I don’t want him to suffer anymore. I want him to be free of this.
“I don’t want you to go after Damien. I want you to stay here with me. I want you safe.” I wrap my arms around myself. “I understand your need to do this, but I can’t be a part of it. I won’t stand in your way, and I won’t ask you to choose. But”—I pull in a strengthening breath—“if you keep on your path of revenge, then…this is where we end. I can’t risk Jesse. I love you. I honestly do. But I love Jesse more. He will always come first. I have to protect myself to protect him. I need him back home with me, and I can’t…I won’t let anything jeopardize that. I’ll keep your secret. You can trust me on that. But I can’t be here anymore. I can’t be with you.”
“Jesus.” He squeezes his eyes closed, tipping his head back.
He stays that way for what seems like forever when, in reality, it’s seconds. Jaw clenched, eyes tightly shut, his body is so still that I’m not even sure if he’s breathing right now.
Please, Kas. Don’t go after him. Let it go. Stay with me.
He exhales a breath that sounds a lot like a decision made. And I watch as he opens his eyes and lowers them to mine. I read his answer there, and my heart sinks.
“I never should have started anything with you. I knew it was wrong. I’m sorry—”
I cut him off with my hand. “Don’t…”
His eyes stare at the floor. “I have to finish what I started…what they had started seven years ago. I have to put Doyle in the ground for what he did. I’m sorry, Daisy.”
He looks back up to me, and the apology in his eyes guts me.
And that’s when it hits me.
This is it.
Kas and I are over.
Over before we really got a chance to begin.
Pain, the likes of nothing I’ve ever felt before, lances through me.
If I had ever questioned how much Kas meant to me, I just got my answer.
More than I knew possible.
“Okay.” I blow out a fortifying breath, holding myself together when all I want to do is fall apart. “I guess there’s nothing left to say. Except for…good-bye.”
His eyes flicker with regret. “Good-bye, Daisy.”
Those softly spoken words splinter my heart, gutting me.
Putting steel in my back, I curl my fingers into my palms until my nails bite into my skin. I start to walk away.
As I pass him, I breathe him in, and the scent of him is almost enough to stop me in my tracks.
Almost but not quite enough. Because there’s someone out there who needs me more.
“Daisy…”
Kas’s voice touches my back, and it’s agony, stopping me in my tracks. Misery lodges in my throat.
I suck in a breath, closing my eyes.
It takes an age before I find the strength to turn back to him, and when I do, he’s still leaning against the wall, not looking at me, eyes on the ground, his arms wrapped around himself.
Summoning his own strength, he turns my way and lifts his eyes to mine, and for the first time, I see Kas.
The real Kas.
He’s wide open and bleeding for me.
God, it hurts. It hurts so fucking much.
Tears fill my eyes. I bite my lip to keep the pain in.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better man for you. The man you deserve.” His voice is rough with emotion.
And the tears spill down over my cheeks.
I know they affect him. I see his hand flex, like he wants to reach out and touch me. But he stays where he is.
“I don’t think I’m capable of love anymore,” he speaks softly. “I haven’t been for a long time. But I do know what I feel for you, and it’s…”
He gently shakes his head, his eyes briefly looking away before coming back to me. I see the shine in them, and it makes me cry harder.
“What I feel for you is debilitating and terrifying and exhilarating…and the best thing to ever happen to me. You are the best thing to ever happen to me. And, if you only ever believe one thing I’ve told you, then believe this; if I could love someone, then it would be you, Daisy. A million times over, it would be you.”
Thirty-Eight
“If I could love someone, then it would be you, Daisy. A million times over, it would be you.”
br /> Those words have been on repeat in my head all day.
I tip my head against the window, the vibration of the train running on the tracks beating against my head, as Kelly Clarkson sings “Beautiful Disaster” in my ears.
After that night when I walked away from Kas, he didn’t come after me. He offered to drive me home, but the pain and confusion and atmosphere between us was bad enough, and I couldn’t endure a car ride home with him. So, he called me a taxi.
I’ll still have to see him in a handful of hours. Even though I might not be able to have a relationship with Kas, I still need my job. It’s one of the things that ensures I’ll get Jesse back.
When I got home, I let myself quietly into our apartment. I got in bed and spent the rest of the night staring at my darkened ceiling.
I got up early and went for a run.
When I got back, Cece was up. She was surprised to see me, as she’d thought I was at Kas’s. I told her that Kas and I weren’t going to work out.
Then, I surprised myself by bursting into tears.
Of course, I couldn’t tell her the real reason. So, I just told her that he wasn’t right for me.
I knew she knew there was more to it, but she didn’t push. She was just awesome, like always. She hugged me and then told me it was girls’ night tonight—takeout, wine, and a chick flick.
I dreaded going to work and having to see him. But I put my big-girl panties on and went to work.
He wasn’t there.
His car was gone.
And then I started to get worried. Worried that he’d gone after Damien.
I broke down and called him. I got his voice mail, which only made me feel worse. I didn’t bother leaving a message.
What could I say? Please don’t kill him.
I did text him later in the day, just asking him to let me know he was okay.
So far, I haven’t heard back.
I’m scared for Kas.
And you know what? The scariest thing is that I don’t care that a man is soon going to lose his life. Or that Kas has taken the life of two other men. Because they deserved it. Damien deserves it.
And if thinking that makes me a bad person, then so be it.