Slowly, I turned my head forward again, seeing her staring at me, a world of hurt in her red eyes. She brought her hand up to her mouth, and I didn’t know if she was shocked by what she’d done or sad that this was where we were at.
I dug in my pocket, feeling a tear spill over as I stared at the ground. I took the sixty-four dollars I had on my clip and walked over, dumping it on the coffee table.
“That’s everything,” I said.
Today it was all I was ever going to give her again, I promised myself.
But tomorrow it would be “enough to live on for a few days.”
And next week I’d be back with more.
I always came back. What was I going to do? I didn’t want my mother living on the streets. I still loved her.
Ignoring her soft crying and her head buried in her hands, I opened the front door to leave.
“Do you have money to eat?” she spoke up.
But I just laughed under my breath. “Give yourself a couple hits,” I told her, gesturing to the pipe. “You won’t care anymore.”
Slamming the door, I let out a breath, my chest shaking as I squeezed my eyes shut.
“I am important,” I whispered to myself.
Silent tears streamed down as I forced away all the doubt. Forced away the suspicions that I was being used. No. No, my father needed me more every day. And Damon wasn’t using me, either. He wanted me to be happy. I know he did. And I would be, eventually.
And if I didn’t take care of my mom, who would?
I was needed. I was valuable.
I wouldn’t be thrown away like her. They wouldn’t do that to me. Who was going to do what I did for them?
The camera cracked in my fist, and every muscle in my face ached with a sob, because even I could no longer believe my own words.
Oh, God. I broke into a run as the world in front of me blurred and all the tears started to spill over. I was going to be like her. Months turn into years, and people like me don’t make it out.
She was going to die in that apartment. And I was going to die in this city, just as dumb and uneducated and poor as I was right now.
I raced down the stairs, swinging around the bannister, and bolted out the door.
The cold rain pierced my face like an icicle, a welcome relief from the shit coursing like lava under my skin right now.
I breathed in and out, practically gasping as I bolted down the sidewalk, weaving between pedestrians already on their way to work for the day. I didn’t know where I was going. I just needed to get away.
As far away and as fast as I could. Just go and go and go.
So, I ran. I ran, the rain pounding the pavement around me, seeing nothing but feet and legs as I whipped past others and raced across the streets. Horns honked, but I didn’t look up to see if it was because of me.
The rain soaked through my combat boots, not hard since they weren’t tied again, and soon my hat was plastered to my head, heavy with water.
I splashed through puddles, slowly feeling every piece of clothing on me start to stick to my skin. I wiped rain off my face, but the downpour was so thick, I could barely see twenty feet in front of me.
But I didn’t stop. I raced, not giving a shit if there was a cliff or a car about to come through the mist and right for me at any second.
This was all their fault. Michael’s brother got Damon arrested in the first place, and thank God he was dead, or I would’ve done it myself. If it wasn’t for that, Damon would’ve finished college, and we’d be gone.
And then the rest of them…. My brother would’ve taken a bullet for them, and they chose Erika Fane without hesitation. Years of him always having their backs, and they threw him away like it was nothing. They didn’t even fight for him.
I heard a high-pitched sound ring through the air, and I looked up, seeing that I was on the sidewalk crossing the bridge. I turned my weary eyes out onto the water, seeing a tugboat pushing a barge downstream, its foghorn echoing through the storm.
Looking down at the camera in my hand, I raised my fist and launched it out into the river, seeing it disappear into the black water.
I dropped my eyes, shaking my head. That wasn’t true, though, was it? I could see Damon’s side, because I knew how much he was hurting. I knew how he thought.
No one at home loved him. Our father was a tyrant, and his mother…. He was terrorized by her. I groaned at the sickness rising from my stomach, remembering all the things he never meant for me to see in that tower.
All the things she didn’t know I was there to see.
Because of all that, Damon became very possessive of the few good people in his life.
Me, his friends....
Anything that threatened us was immediately an enemy.
That’s why he hated Erika—or Rika, as everyone seemed to call her. He wasn’t right, but I knew where he was coming from, so I could understand it.
But he got himself arrested by fucking around with Winter, a girl he knew was off limits. In more ways than one.
And it was him who went too far last year and had to go into hiding.
If he really wanted us to be on our own, he would’ve taken me with him. Forget his friends. Forget Rika. Just go and both of us get out of here, and we could finally be free.
But that didn’t happen, and I now realized it would never happen.
I bit my bottom lip, trying not to cry anymore. We weren’t ever going to leave, were we? He was using me, too.
Crossing my arms over my chest, I started walking again, trying to hold everything back, but I just couldn’t. I walked and walked and walked, over the bridge, past the old farmer’s market on State Street, and down the dilapidated, empty lanes of Whitehall, and I didn’t cry, but the tears kept spilling anyway as I clenched my teeth together, shivering.
The rain had soaked my clothes, my head was weighted with the drenched hat, and icy coldness covered my skin. I could feel every hair trying to stand up as chills spread across my body.
I finally stopped, my arms hugging myself as my teeth chattered, and looked up.
Sensou shone in red, an emblem with a maze within a maze next to it and Japanese script in the center. I guess my feet knew where I was supposed to be.
Like a machine. That was me.
With shaking hands, I peeled back my cuff and looked at my watch, seeing that it was eight in the morning. Kai told me last night to be here by nine.
I needed to call David and tell him I didn’t need a ride this morning.
Heading to the front of the dojo, I yanked on the door, but it didn’t give. Locked.
Walking around the side of the building, I entered the dark alley, all the brick buildings around me painted black, even the fire escapes.
Jogging up to the side door, I huddled under the awning and pulled at the door.
But it also didn’t give.
I wrapped my arms around myself again, leaning back against the building.
The cold was seeping down to my bones, and I hung my head, my eyelids falling closed.
My mother was either smoking away what I gave her or buying a new outfit right now. Whatever it took to make herself feel better.
Wouldn’t she just love to see me doing whatever it took to bring in more money? Of course, she’d feel sorry about it, but really, what did she think was going to happen to me when Damon bought me all those years ago? She had asked him what he wanted me for. He simply answered, “Does it matter?”
It didn’t. In a perfect world she wanted to be able to afford to care, but when it came down to it, she had no idea what he could’ve done to me, and the unknown wasn’t enough to stop her from giving me away.
I was what Kai said I was. A tool. Something others used.
My eyes welled up again, and I wiped my cheek with my sleeve.
“Morning.”
I shot my eyes to the right for a quick glance.
Kai’s black pants were covered in raindrops, and he approached, a duffel bag
over his shoulder and a folded newspaper over his head. I turned my face away, which I knew must be red and splotchy. I didn’t want him seeing me like this...my street cred and all.
“What…” He stopped at my side, under the awning. “You’re soaking wet. What hap—”
“Don’t ask me any questions, please,” I begged in a quiet voice. “I just got caught in the rain, and I…I’ll be fine.”
I squeezed my fists, trying to warm my hands, but I failed to hold back the shivers.
I hadn’t looked at his face, but I didn’t hear him move for a moment, so I didn’t know what he was doing.
Finally, I heard the door unlock and open.
“Get in here. Come on,” he told me.
He held the door open for me, and I ducked in under his arm, entering the dojo’s kitchen. I could call David and ask him to come, after all, to bring me some clothes. Or maybe there were some extras of those polos the employees wore. I could stick it out in my wet jeans for now.
I bit my lip, shaking, as Kai came in, dropped his bag, and turned on the lights. I glanced up, seeing he was in a white button-down, his chest visible through the wet drops. I just stared at him for a moment. His hair wet and sticking up, looking incredible and beautiful and taking my mind off the cold for a moment.
He came over, handing me a towel, but then he took my other hand, trying to take me somewhere.
I jerked out of his hold.
I didn’t need to be taken care of.
But he turned around, fixing me with a glare. “You don’t want to fight with me right now,” he warned. “Just do as you’re told. You’re good at that.”
And he took my hand again and pulled me after him. I stumbled a step, following him through the kitchen, into the lobby, and down the hall. The whole place was empty and dark, except for the small glow of the lights lining the trim on the bottom of the walls.
He pushed through the door to the women’s locker room, and led me past the lockers, toward the showers.
Opening a stall door, he reached in and turned on the water, the rainfall showerhead high overhead coming to life. Water started to pour and steam instantly billowed.
God, that looked good.
“You’re freezing,” he said, turning back to me. “Get these clothes off.”
He reached for the buttons on my jacket, and I knocked his hands away. “No.”
I crossed my arms in front of me, embarrassment swelling up inside me. “Don’t touch me.”
“I wasn’t going to touch you,” he said, his voice suddenly softer. “I just want to take off your jacket, okay?”
I shook my head.
“Look, you don’t have to take off your clothes,” he explained, his tone growing more urgent again, “but you have to get warm.”
I stared down at my white knuckles still clenched into fists. “My clothes will dry.”
He let out a sigh, sounding like a hushed growl, and before I realized what was happening, he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off the ground, carrying me into the shower.
I pushed against his chest as he closed the shower door and put us both under the hot rainfall.
“No!” I argued.
But, his lips tight, he gave me an angry, “Shh….” and dropped me to my feet, his arms locking around my body and holding me to him.
Asshole!
I planted my hands on his chest, snarling up at him, but soon, the heat from the water started to seep into my clothes, and then the water was coursing down my skin.
Oh…
My skin erupted in a wave of delightful pinpricks, making my blood come alive as everything tingled with the heat.
I wanted to smile, it felt so good.
My eyelids started to feel heavy, the hot water blanketing my back, running down my legs, and spreading over my head and neck.
Warm. I was so warm. I just wanted to…
I groaned, starting to waver.
My body was so tired. Kai strengthened his hold, letting me relax into him, and I did. I didn’t fight it.
I laid my head on his chest, and after a moment, I felt him carefully brush my knit cap off my head, the water hitting my scalp and drowning out the rest of the world.
I closed my eyes and savored the feeling.
Just for a minute, I told myself.
Tucking my arms in, I huddled into his chest, letting myself give up for a minute. His arms circled all the way around me, one resting on my waist and the other one on my arm, while the heat of the water mixed with the heat of his skin through his wet shirt lulled me into a feeling of peace I couldn’t remember ever having before. Not even with Damon.
I couldn’t remember the last time I was this close to somebody.
The shower pounded around us, drowning out the sound of the storm outside, our breathing, even my thoughts…I didn’t want to think. For five fucking minutes, I didn’t want to talk or worry or fight or be scared or angry or hate everything. I didn’t even want to stand.
“This means nothing,” I mumbled, still snuggling into his body.
His chest shook under my head. “Absolutely nothing. I promise.”
Something brushed my forehead, and I felt his fingers wipe away the hair on my cheek. His hand smoothed the strands back over the top of my head, and another small wave of pleasure hit me right down to my toes. I was suddenly aware of my wet thighs molded to his and the rest of my body pressing into him.
This was heaven.
His hand smoothed my hair a few more times, slower and gentler, and then he wrapped his arms around me again, holding me tight.
“I like your braids.” His deep voice suddenly sounded raspy. “Your hair is a beautiful color. Like mahogany. Why do you hide it?”
I opened my mouth to hit him with a nasty remark but closed it. I didn’t want this to end quite yet, and I guess it was normal for him to wonder.
But it was still none of his business.
“You cover your hair, you wear men’s clothes,” he went on, “Who are you, kid?”
It almost sounded like a rhetorical question, like he was just thinking out loud. And part of me wanted to come clean.
I gave a half-smile he didn’t see. “I’m nobody.”
“That’s not true,” he argued, and I heard his voice closer to my ear. “I’ve never seen Damon possessive over a woman, but he was over you that night.” He tipped my chin up, forcing me to look at him. “Who are you to him?”
I opened my mouth, but again, I didn’t know what to say. I shook my head.
“Did he hurt you?” Kai’s onyx eyes pleaded with me for more as he dropped his voice to a whisper. “No one’s here but you and me. Did he hurt you? Why are you loyal to them?”
I stared into his gaze, my eyes starting to burn again as I struggled with my love for my brother and the pathetic desire building inside me to latch onto someone.
The rain shower spilled down his black hair, streams coursing down his neck and over the vein there. The water disappeared under his collar, and I let my eyes drift back up over his angular jaw to his mouth. Full lips, his bottom one with a unique little flat spot like someone had pressed their finger there and the dent remained. Staring at it, my teeth suddenly ached. I could feel the meat he fed me last night in my mouth again and the sensation of biting into it.
Confusion wracked my brain. He wasn’t really my enemy. Not really.
He wanted answers. I wanted my brother back.
“What was it like for you in prison?” I asked him. “We paid off people to keep Damon safe, but what about you and Will? Was it bad?”
Pain suddenly crossed his eyes, and he stared at me, lost for a moment.
“Michael did the same,” he told me. “Paid people to keep all of us safe, but…”
He trailed off, and I waited. Like in the confessional all those years ago, he had to work up the courage to talk.
He swallowed. “I told Rika once that I was never going back there. That I never knew people could be so ugly.” H
e met my eyes. “But I was talking about me.”
He caressed my hair, looking troubled.
“It wasn’t as simple as Michael thought it would be. Paying people off, I mean. We were rich, young, privileged, and we were doing half the sentence that others were doing for the same crimes. The threats, the looks, the nighttime taunts carrying down the cells toward us,’ he told me. “I just wanted to go home.”
A lump stretched my throat painfully, sad for both him and my brother.
“My father taught me to fight,” he went on. “He taught me how to kill if I ever had to. But he also taught me to make the world better.” He paused, thinking, and then spoke again. “A trick of survival in prison is, on your first day, walk in there with your head high, look around into everyone’s eyes, and find someone to hit. Establish your strength and make sure everyone sees it.”
I listened, remembering I’d heard the same thing somewhere.
“I waited until day three,” he said. “I picked the biggest guy I could find, someone I’d seen throwing his weight around, someone who’d threatened Will on our first day, and I went over, and I hit him.”
I could almost see it in my head.
“To my surprise, though, he didn’t go down right away,” Kai continued, a half-smile on his face. “I ended up with a broken nose, three cracked ribs, and a fat lip.”
I laughed a little. A Horseman didn’t fall often, so he got his comeuppance, I’d say.
But his expression turned solemn. “He ended up with a fractured spine.”
Oh, Christ.
“I was the trained one,” he said, looking like he was still angry with himself. “I should’ve known where I was kicking.”
“Did he heal?”
He nodded. “Yeah, but it took a couple months, and he has some nerve damage. He has no feeling in three of his fingers on his right hand anymore.”
Well, it could’ve been worse. A lot worse.
“The next day,” he continued, “my lunch table was the fullest in the cell block.”
“So, you got respect then.”
“Yeah, by acting like an animal,” he pointed out. “That scared me, because it wasn’t the first time I’d chosen to react with violence when I shouldn’t have. Was it going to be a habit? I was losing grasp of the life I wanted to have and the person I wanted to be, because I kept being stupid.” He dropped his eyes, breathing so hard and looking vulnerable. “I don’t want to ruin my life.”