"Oh, god..." I cry unaware of anything but the pleasure, and his eyes watching me. "Please..." I whine until he starts pleasing me to the point of agony.
Writhing and groaning the building inside, I'm unaware of anything but Z. I smell his scent, and I feel his slow torture. I know his sounds, and I need him harder. "Please," I cry again as everything fades away but his mouth on me.
Waiting, I seem to be stuck, but I want more. I need this release, and I want this pleasure with Z. Feeling myself stretched by more fingers, I'm dying inside. But it's a good death. It's the kind of death you hope to experience over and over in your lifetime. It's the death of everything evil, replaced with a beautiful peace inside.
"Oh. Um?" Crying out, my release hits hard and fast. Nearly flipping on the bed again, Z holds my hips in place as he moves back up my body with sweet kisses and the gentle weight of his body keeping me grounded.
"Suzanne..." He sighs before kissing my lips softly as I gasp my taste on his lips and his tongue bringing me back to him. I never get tired of this, and it never feels the same. Every time with Z is so different, I feel like I'll never know it again. But I always do. "Love?" He asks as a question until I open my eyes and smile at him.
Moving my own legs, I open wider for his entry. "I need you, Z. So badly," I finally cry as my tears fall. "Hurry up," I grin as he laughs against my mouth.
And then he enters me. Slowly and without the hard, fast need I feel for him, Z enters me, rocking into me until he finally settles in deep and exhales against my mouth again.
"I've missed you so much," he whispers before I attack his mouth with my own.
Moving my hips, I speed up his enter retreat until nearly pounding against each other, I know no sounds but our breath in our room.
"Please," I cry as he thrusts harder inside me. Harder and faster, I beg and pull at him. I need this. "I want this!" I cry when he lifts my legs around his waist to enter me deeper.
"Suzanne?" He slows a little, but I'm not having it.
"Sex is fine! Sex is good. I'm supposed to have sex," I gasp as he stops moving completely.
"Supposed to?" He grins rising on his hands looking down at me.
"Um, yeah. I think I read that somewhere. It's good for me, I think. Oh, who gives a shit?" I laugh as he does before he starts moving again.
Slower, he changes the pace from sex to make love in an instant and my whole body feels the difference. Z wants me but he wants to love me, and I know that matters to him. This is his apology and his desperate attempt to make me love and trust him. He is making love to me, and I know nothing but his love all around me.
Turning us to our side, lifting my thigh over his hip, Z continues his slow impalement, wrapping me in his arms, staring at my face as we move.
Sideways always feels so different. Almost like looking and watching each other makes all the difference. There is a calm and a peace that takes over the act, and I always feel his love so much stronger when he watches me watching him.
"Ready, love?" he smiles his dirty grin as I huff my yes with a nod.
Feeling his hand reach between us, I gasp again at the feeling of him touching me where we're joined. It's such an intimate feeling, and it always takes me over completely.
Exhaling, my orgasm is softer than the first and it feels lighter in my stomach. I don't scream and arch, but as my eyes close and my hips move against his, I feel his own slow release quickly followed by a low moan. Feeling him inside me release our waiting and need for each other makes everything else fade away.
We're alone here in this place, and no one has ever known me or loved me the way Z has.
"I know you’ll protect us," I breathe as he kisses my lips softly.
"Dinner in bed?" He asks my nearly comatose body after we finish our quick rinse off shower.
Wrapping my towel tighter, I can't even handle getting dressed I'm so exhausted. Looking in my bathroom closet, I figure, what the hell and actually walk to my bed undressed. If Z notices he doesn't mention it, and if Z is surprised he acts unconcerned.
"Crawl in and I'll make us something to eat," he smiles and kisses my forehead as I pull the comforter around my damp towel. "Take this off." Pulling the towel from under me, Z keeps me covered in blankets, but strips me of my last guard of nudity. And I just don't care anymore.
I mean really? Z has seen everything. The scars and the marks, and just all the hairy, gross that is me. But he's still here, and he doesn't ever seem to care. So I'm not going to struggle with myself anymore.
"I'm getting better," I whisper to no one but Z hears my confession to myself.
"I know you are," he kisses my naked back before leaving me to rest.
CHAPTER 30
"Is tonight my baby shower?" Turning to me quickly, Z looks guilty as hell and I know I have my answer. Shit.
"No. Why?" Walking away from me he doesn't make eye contact, and well, he's walking away from me which means I’m right. Pulling his arm in the kitchen doorway he stops moving. "How did you know?" He exhales long and slow.
"You suck at lying to me. And pushing me to go to Marty's when I told you I was exhausted today, and moody, and kind of grumpy actually? Normally, as soon as I say I'm tired you drop everything and make me lie down, but today-"
"I basically told you to suck it up and get dressed because we're going out for dinner whether you're tired or not," Z laughs as I do.
"Basically."
"Please act surprised. The Kaylas have been calling me and torturing me over this baby shower for weeks. I've received more calls from them in the past 2 weeks than I have in all the years I've known them. Kayla even threatened my balls if I told you."
Shivering like he's actually afraid for his balls, I have to know, "Which Kayla?"
"Does it matter?" Z replies deadpan until his eyes light up with humor.
"Ah, not really I guess. Okay, I'll act surprised. When does it start?"
"7:00."
"7:00 on a Wednesday?"
"Marty's slowest evening. They were so sure you wouldn't suspect anything if it was held at his restaurant, instead of at one of their homes since you rarely go out now," Z says sounding a little upset.
"What's wrong?" Leaning against the wall I wait for him to speak. Z suddenly looks almost unhappy about something, and we've been perfect for months, almost too perfect. Huh. "Are we too happy?" I question out loud without meaning to as usual.
"Never." Leaning down to my face, Z kisses me so softly, I instinctively move into his arms until he stops me from going further. "There is no such thing as too happy between us, Suzanne. There is not happy enough for you though. And I know you've been struggling this last month."
"No, I haven't. I've been fine." And there's the word. Suddenly realizing I've said 'fine' thousands of times in the last month, once again negates the 'I'm fine' argument I use way too often when I'm not fine. "Shit."
"Please talk to me. I'm going out of my mind with this, and so is Mack actually. But you won't talk to either of us, and you keep saying I'm fine which is killing me, Suzanne."
Leaning into Z, I try to figure out what the problem actually is so I can explain. But again, strangely enough I do actually feel fine. "Okay, this is all I've got." When Z pulls away to watch me closely again, I say my stupid. "My lack of problems is what feels like a problem, which is just warped really."
"How so?"
"Ah, I don't feel depressed at all. Actually, I haven't for so long now I'm scared it’s coming even though I don't feel anything bad coming. I've been out of the hospital for a year now and I still feel good."
"That's good."
"Is it? I don't know if it is and that's what scares me. I have 3 weeks to go and I'm, ah, closer than I was before. Saying what I'm saying without saying it is hard, Z. But I just don't want to say his name in case I get upset and maybe jinx this baby which is stupid, I know. But I'm getting nervous the closer I get to the end."
"And?"
“And I’m still
scared I’m going to have a girl, which I don’t really want which is a horrible thing to say, I know. But I can’t help it. No matter what you and Mack say, or what I even believe I’m scared to have a little girl, in case…”
“Baby, there is no in case. I cannot express enough that you’re worrying about something we would never allow. A daughter will be as safe as any son we have, Suzanne. I swear on my life.”
“I know that logically, Z. I do. It’s just hard thinking of a little girl of ours getting hurt.”
“Then don’t think about it, because she will never be hurt like that. And if we do have a girl, I know you’re going to love her and care for her just as much as you would if it was a boy. You’re going to handle this Suzanne. I know you will, okay?”
“Okay.”
“What else?” Z leans closer to me to take my hand as I think about what’s bothering me.
"I think that's it. It's like I'm in the home stretch now, and I'm scared. Next week is Thanksgiving and then I have 2 weeks to go to just wait."
"I understand, love. I really do," Z exhales. "If it helps, I'm getting very nervous myself. But maybe we can just be happily nervous together? Could you try?"
"Of course."
"As for the other things you're feeling, or NOT feeling I guess, I don't know what to say other than why not just enjoy not being sad right now, instead of being weirded out that you’re not sad. Maybe try to be happy that you're not sad."
Looking at Z, I once again know he's right. And logical. And sane. And like all positive and shit. Whatever. I've never been one of those annoyingly positive people. Though I am much better than I used to be.
"I'll try. But I have to tell you not having a problem is kind of freaking me out," I grin. "Maybe we could have a huge fight later so I feel unhappy and more like myself?"
"Or maybe I could just love the shit out of you later until you forget you’re nervous and not unhappy?"
"Okay. I like your idea way better than mine, Z."
➰➰➰➰➰
Walking into Marty's I feel as awesome as I can tonight. I'm dressed in a black coat as usual, but it has little faux fur embellishments around the wrists and collar to change things up a bit. Even my dress underneath is a perfect fitting crisscross bodice, knee length swing dress in black with a midnight blue sash above my huge belly which is adorable. So overall, I feel pretty attractive for having a gigantic beach ball out front of me.
"I can't wait to untie your dress when we get home," Z whispers in my ear just as he opens the door to Marty's restaurant for me.
"I can't wait for you to untie this dress either. I miss you."
"Since last week?" He grins his dirty sexy grin.
"Always."
"Good answer. Now stop procrastinating and show me those acting skills you think you have," Z adds like a total smartass just as the hostess Maya walks up to us.
"Hello, Maya. It’s just the two of us this evening," Z says in his sexy voice, and I want him even more now.
"Certainly. If you'll follow me," she smiles politely at me even grabbing 2 menus to make it believable.
"Where are-"
"SURPRISE!"
Jumping with a little scream, I know I was totally believable because Kayla actually did scare the shit out of me. Grabbing my chest as my heartbeat pounds, I know I look the part suddenly.
"What are you doing?" I ask with shock still heard in my voice from the sudden surprise yell I wasn't expecting.
Being pulled into a huge hug by New York Kayla, she's smiling like she just pulled off the biggest surprise ever. Joining us, Chicago Kayla hugs me too and laughs like she's awesome. Which she kind of is. Jesus Christ! Does she ever look like shit?
"Welcome to your baby shower," she smiles so brightly I hug her again with a thanks as Z suddenly strips me of my coat from behind.
Whispering in my ear, Z concedes, "Okay that deserved the academy award you want so bad." Turning to smirk at his smartass comment I see Mack and Marty standing a few tables away.
Looking around, I didn't ask Z who would be here because it would've sounded sad, but I really didn't know who would be at my baby shower besides my 2 Kaylas. I mean really, it's not like I have any family, or any other friends. But unbelievably there are 5 other woman, and Mack and Marty waiting for me.
Smiling at Dee my most favorite hairdresser, and Mrs. Rinaldi (awww), and Tonia (yay!) and Veronica (awkward) and LUCIA? What the fuck? I'm kind of super stunned now. What the hell? And why?
"Ha! I love it when Suzanne's speechless. It keeps all the crazy in check," Kayla grins and I finally just laugh.
"Wow. Um, thank you for this, and thank you for coming. And, ah, wow..." I fade out like a loser until Mack saves me thank god.
Walking up to me, I steal Matthew right from his arms when he leans in for a Mack/Suzanne hug. "Sorry. But you've totally been replaced," I giggle as Matthew touches my mouth with his little hands. "Hi sweetpea," I smile at my favorite little person in the world. “What are you up to tonight?” I ask a baby smiling Matthew who dips his fingers actually into my mouth as I giggle before I can pull away.
Hooking him above my stomach he's just able to hold himself against me, kind of leaning into me and I can't stop staring at him. God, I love this little boy.
"Ah, we boys are on our way out. We'll see you in a few hours though," Mack attempts to take him from me, but Matthew snuggles in and as I hold his back with my hand pulling him closer to me, I really don't want to let him go. He's not only a shield for me against the woman I'm nervous being around, but he's like my own little angel these days who always keeps everything bad away. Wow, Matthew is always a shield for me I suddenly realize.
Tearing up when Matthew lies his head back down on my chest, I'm messed up. I don't know what's wrong, but I feel sad and I don't want to let him go. Ever.
"Suzanne...?" Z whispers but I can’t speak. Crying, I feel totally stressed, and embarrassed, and unhappy. And I really don't want to give Matthew back to Mack.
Shit.
Handing over Matthew quickly, I turn for the back room we've been in a few times to talk to Marty. Walking, I can't look at anyone and I'm afraid I've ruined everything again. Goddammit.
"Stop," Z says as I push open Marty's office door, but I can't stop. I have to keep going until I'm totally inside hiding for a minute. Waiting for Z I don't turn around until Mack surprises me by speaking first.
"What is it, Suzanne? Talk to me, or us, or just me. Whatever you need."
"I love Matthew," I cry as a sob breaks from my chest.
"And?"
"That's it I think. But I also want to keep him. I didn't want to give him back to you because I actually want to keep him Mack. Like a kidnapper," I sob even harder. Holy shit! I'm so screwed if Mack gets scared of me being with his son. Turning to a silent Mack, I actually beg, "Please don't take him away from me?"
When Mack starts grinning, I'm not only shocked but nervous of his grin. I can't tell if he's going to take Matthew away or maybe lock me up.
"Like a kidnapper, Suzanne?" He starts laughing. "Could you actually take my son away from his mom and me?"
"No. But-"
"You want to?" He asks as I nod. "Good. Because there's no one Kayla and I think would love and care for our baby more than you," he whispers as I choke up again.
"I don't understand."
"You love our son. And we love you loving our son. And Matthew absolutely adores his Aunt Tommy. So where's the problem?"
"I want to keep him," I cry so he understands.
"But would you?"
Looking at Mack I realize what he's asking, and I know the honest answer he wants. "No."
"So again I'll ask, where's the problem? Loving a baby is normal. And loving the only baby you've ever known is normal. And loving a baby who is by all definitions your nephew is normal. Even wanting to steal him is normal, otherwise every aunt and grandmother on the planet would be locked up, Suzanne."
"Oh." That c
almed me down significantly. "I thought it was wrong to love him and want to hold him and not want to give him back to you. Like out there, I didn't want to give him back to you. I wanted to keep holding him so he'd keep all the sad away. Oh."
"When he was a snuggled into your chest, completely content to rest on your belly? Why would you want to give him back? Some days I almost cry when he's sleeping on my chest and I have to go to work. All I want to do is hold him and snuggle in and smell his little baby smell."
"But he's your son."
"And he's your nephew. And you love him."
"I do," I nod as reality starts sinking in again. "You don't think I'm a freak for wanting to kidnap him?"
"No, because you would never hurt him. And kidnapping Matthew from his parents would hurt him, right?"
"Of course."
"Then there's no problem."
Looking at Z resting against the wall silently, I feel kind of bad for this upset. "I didn't mean to ruin my party, Z, but I felt weird."
Nodding he smiles but doesn't speak. Turning back to Mack, I exhale again and try to calm down fully.
"Suzanne, I think your biggest issue is the fact that you actually love my son- who is a baby. And you didn't know how you felt about it because you've never experienced it before. Am I right?"
"I think so."
"What else?"
"That's it I think. Oh, I'm also scared my own baby is going to die any day now and I won't have one to love, so I want to be with Matthew so I know what it's like to love a baby."
Holy. Shit.
Watching Z's head lower I whisper ‘I'm sorry’ but he doesn't speak or acknowledge me.
"That was the most honest thing you’ve ever said without prompting, and I'm proud of you. I'm also very sorry you feel that way. But here's where you're at, Suzanne... Your baby is alive and well and ready to be born within weeks now. So at this point you have to just have a little faith that everything will be fine. There is absolutely nothing else you can do. And if something bad happens, you’ll deal with it. Sadly, you have before and you will be forced to again. But I really don't think that'll happen this time, and I have faith that in a few weeks you're going to be handing me my very own niece or nephew to love and want to kidnap as well." Listening to Mack's own smile-voice as I watch Z, I feel so much better.