"Well, you're Z Zinfandel of New York. You have influence and friends everywhere, never mind the money for the best lawyers. Christ, you could simply call the Times to explain your situation and just the sympathy and public pressure alone could get you Mackenzie back."
“We don't want publicity, Suzanne.”
“Why?”
“So no one knows Mackenzie is there which is safer for her.”
"Oh..." Okay, that quick fear just stabbed right through my chest again. God, I hope no one knows who she is.
"What about Glenn Rose?"
"He's already involved," Z states simply as I nod.
Shaking my head, I know there’s more to this. I know it, I just can’t see it. "A former D.A. of Chicago can't even pull some strings for you? Doesn't that seem weird? I mean just take me out of the equation, and you're the perfect parent for her. Oh!" Having a sudden epiphany, I see it all so clearly I can’t believe he hasn’t. "Z, take me out of the equation."
"Suzanne-"
"Wait! I'll move out. I'll leave for anywhere but here, and no judge would ever deny you your daughter back." Though this very conversation is tearing me to shreds inside, I know it's the only answer that makes sense right now. "Do it, Z. Tell whomever you have to that you've kicked me out so you could get your baby back."
"Our baby," he says softly, but it doesn't really matter anymore. They matter to me.
"Let me pack some things and I'll move out. Then you can get her back," I almost smile when the answer seem so simple but excruciating.
"Suzanne, we're not there yet."
Looking at Z trying to do the right thing for everyone, I know I need to help him for once. And this is the only way I can help at this point.
"I love you. And her. And I'm at that point now. Honestly, until you can think of something better, this is the best thing for Mackenzie and for you. Call your lawyers, Z. Tell them I've left. Tell everyone who'll listen that I'm out of the house so she'll be safe from her whackjob mother," I laugh a little in my agony. Shit this is hard, but it's the right thing to do. "This is the answer Z until you can come up with a better one, if you even want a better one."
"What the hell does that mean?" He asks standing over me.
"It means what it means. I said some horrible things I can't take back, things I doubt you'll ever forgive-"
"Suzanne-"
"No, it's okay. I'm not saying this to guilt trip you or anything, and I don't even blame you for being disgusted with me. I'm just seeing everything pretty clearly suddenly, and this is the right thing to do. Let me leave, and call your people so you can get Mackenzie back. She needs you," I whisper to his growing silence.
"She needs you, too," he says after forever, but I know its not true.
Touching Z's arm, I want him to listen to me and truly understand what I'm saying. "Thank you for saying that, but it's not the same thing. You're sane and normal and well respected, so you can get custody of her in a heartbeat. I can't though, and we both know it. So this is the best decision right now for you and her."
"I don't think I can," he says actually looking sad which feels good. But it honestly doesn’t feel good enough when I think of her in that place.
"Yes, you can. For her you can, and so can I. For Mackenzie I can do anything, and you will too. Make the calls Z. I'm going to go pack."
"Wait," Z says pulling my arm as I turn from him. "This is just temporary, Suzanne. We're not over, love. And once I have her back, I'll get you back in her life as well."
"Okay," I smile my most beautiful fake academy award winning smile ever. "Give me 20 minutes and I'll be out of here so you can get her back."
"Where are you going to go? Ah, let me set you up in a hotel. Okay?"
"Sure. Sounds good," I finally turn away from his desperate broken sad eyes that are breaking my heart more than I thought possible after losing Mackenzie 3 days ago.
15 minutes later, I'm done. Grabbing everything and nothing, I've filled 2 large roller suitcases and one heavy over the shoulder travel bag. My entire body hurts and my heart is broken behind repair, but thankfully, my mind is functioning better than it has since if not forever, at least since the moment my daughter was taken from me.
"I'm ready. Ah, I have to know is Kayla like super pissed at me, or just pissed? And where's Mack at with me?"
Not even grinning at my ridiculous question Z goes right for the jugular, though I honestly don’t think it’s intentional. "Ah, Kayla is practically living at Cedardale to be with Mackenzie while her mother watches Matthew all day. But she's mentioned she doesn’t think she can forgive you this time," he says sadly. Nodding my head, I hold in the scream I feel bubbling to the surface and wait for more. "And Mack is Mack. He's very angry with you, but if you needed him I know he wouldn't turn you away." Ouch. That almost hurts worse.
"Got it. Thank you for telling me so I didn't call them too soon."
"Suzanne, I appreciate what you're doing."
"But you can't forgive me either, I know."
"It's not because of Mackenzie though. It's because of what you said and did after she was taken. I needed you because our daughter was just taken from us. But instead of working on it together you trashed me, blamed me, said horrible things to me, and then shut me out completely, even when I forgave you enough to try again the next morning."
"I understand, Z."
"I don't think you do. When you continued your shit the next day something changed in me, like the sadness turned to anger and now I feel like I don't trust you or even really like you anymore." Oh my god... I'm dying here. "But I still love you if that makes sense."
"I understand," I say again calmly. And I really do understand. God, I don't even really like me so why would Z?
This is the worst moment besides 'I'm here to take your daughter away' I've ever experienced in my life.
"I'm really very sorry for everything, Z. I never meant for any of this to happen, and it honestly didn't occur to me that it could."
"I'm sorry, too," he says with tears in his eyes and I realize he basically just sealed the deal between us with his apology.
Z finally said goodbye to me, and I don't know how to walk away. Leaning into him, I hug him around his middle and whisper the only thing I can- the only unselfish thing I've ever said or done in my life with Z.
"Go get Mackenzie, Z. She needs you in her life."
When Z nods against the top of my head, I know it's done.
Pulling away, I keep the tears inside and the agony concealed. I hide my life ending and my world collapsing. I walk out the door of all I've ever wanted, to start again with nothing at all.
Z and I have finally ended.
And he's still everything to me in every moment between us. Even now, in this final moment between us it's Z's scent I smell and his voice I hear because it’s Z I'm losing forever.
When I close the door behind me tugging up the heavy shoulder strap and wheeling my 2 luggage down the hallway to the elevator I know an agony and loneliness so dark it changes the color around me and the very air I breathe.
I've lost my daughter, my husband, and my 2 best friends in the course of three days.
And I am finally broken.
CHAPTER 35
It's been only 3 days in this hotel room but it feels like an eternity in hell. I can't eat or sleep and I'm always in intense pain now. I don't even know if I'm physically in pain or just emotionally destroyed but as my weak body paces the floors again and again I keep waiting for something to happen, some news, something.
Walking around this place, alone and exhausted I can honestly say I won't attempt suicide this time though, no matter how bad I’m feeling. I know I won’t. I don't even feel like killing myself, because I already feel dead inside, which just makes a suicide a little redundant at this point.
Plus, I'm a mother to a child I'll never know but she'll know of me. So I can't have her knowing I was a weak-willed psychotic bitch who destroyed her life as a newborn t
hen killed herself when I couldn't handle the fallout of my words and actions.
I won't kill myself or even attempt it. Because I'm already dead inside.
"Suzanne?" Gasping and spinning toward the door, I'm so lightheaded suddenly I grab for the wall to keep myself upright. Wow, what the hell was that? Laughing as the spins continue, I fall on my knees to stop listing to the side.
"Suzanne!" Kayla Lefferts bangs on the door, and I really wish I could get to her so she'd stop yelling. I wish I could call out to her, but my mouth is so dry it's like thick glue and my throat is so tight, swallowing is suddenly an issue.
"I know you're in there!" She screams and bangs again. "So open this goddamn door before I fucking kill you. And if you've killed yourself I'm going to fuck you up even worse," she says making me actually laugh as I stand back up and walk slowly to the door. Feeling nauseous, but kind of cold and sweaty, I’m fairly sure I’m getting sick.
"Open the door, Suzanne!"
"I'm- coming," I croak in my raspiest phone-sex voice yet. Reaching the door, I giggle when just raising my hand to the lock hurts my head. But slowly, I flip the lock and even flip open the catch in the bar slide lock.
"What are-"
"Ouch!" I cry stumbling backward when she pushes the door into my shoulder. Actually just falling right over into the wall, I laugh when she breathes close to my face.
"What's going on? Did you take pills?"
"Nope," I giggle until my throat closes again and my tongue actually sticks to the roof of my mouth.
"What's happening? Oh god, Suzanne. You look really bad. What did you do?"
"I didn't, I swear."
"What fucking pills did you take?" She yells at me searching for her phone. "What did you take, Suzanne? And don't fucking lie to me. You're pasty as shit, you smell pretty funky, and your eyes are all fucked up. What did you-"
"I didn't," I try again reaching for her phone but she just keeps yelling over me.
"What did you take, sweetie?" She slips a forbidden name but it doesn't really bother me right now which is good, I guess. "Suzanne, what did you take?"
"Sweetie isn't bad right now. Is that- weird?" I choke.
"What pills did you take?"
"Nothing. I'm a mom now, was a mom now- um, then. And you can't do that if you're a mom," I choke again.
"Please tell me, Suzanne?" She chokes up with me.
Finding whatever strength I have left I grab her arm to finally get her attention. "I did NOT take anything. I just don't feel well," I exhale a huff while she watches me closely.
"Um, I think- oh, fuck," she gags as I laugh at her face. Kayla never gags for real, just I do. "Found it, I think. Oh man, it's gross."
"What? What did you find?" I ask playfully until she lifts my shirt up. Flinching quickly, I look down and see what she sees which is pretty gag worthy for sure.
Looking at Kayla staring at my stomach I realize she’s so beautiful always, and though her color palette is way too wild for me, she makes everything look stunning always. "Why do you always look good, Chicago?"
"How long has this looked like this? You’re really hot to the touch and I think you have a bad fever or something. I don't know what we should do. What do I do, Suzanne? Do you want to go to the hospital by ambulance or can you walk to my car?"
"I can walk."
Fading out I'm so tired I feel like I can finally sleep a little with Kayla here. It's not as quiet or lonely with her here suddenly and I'm really tired.
"Can you stay here tonight so I can sleep?"
Sitting on a hospital gurney, the very absence of all my pain makes me grateful to be here for once. Whether because I'm actually medicated out of my mind or because everything is magically fixed I could care less. For this one moment in time I'm actually pain free, and I'll take it.
"Hey. How are you feeling?" I hear Kayla before I see her, and though I'm happy someone is here, I wish it would've been Z. "You scared the hell out of me earlier, Suze," she continues when I finally turn my head to her.
Exhaling, here come the apologies. "Sorry I scared you. But I didn't take anything."
"I know. I'm sorry I didn't believe you."
Shrugging, it makes sense. "It doesn't matter. I'm crazy Suzanne, right? So naturally you'd assume I did something like that."
I wish I could laugh. Christ, I wish I could even giggle crazily. But there's just nothing, and I feel nothing.
"What happened?"
"Um, my C-Section incision is infected and I became a little septic. The doctors didn’t understand why I was so infected so fast being on antibiotics afterward until I told them I had stopped taking the medication."
"Not even pain killers?"
Shaking my head, "I stopped taking them after Mackenzie was taken away," I whisper. “I guess there was an antibiotic with it and even an anti-inflammatory, but I didn’t know that.”
“Um, weren't you in a lot of pain? I mean both the ER Doc and Kayla said you must've been in agony." Kayla knows, but she's not here which tells me everything I need to know.
"Yeah, I was sore," I shrug again. "Why did you come to the hotel?"
"Because you weren't answering your cell all weekend, and we were all worried about you."
"I broke it in the hospital," after Mackenzie was taken away from me I cry to myself.
"Okay, I'll grab you another one tonight."
"You don't have to." It's not like anyone will call me I want to say, but I hold in the self-pity for myself, because not only is it pathetic but I know it'll prompt Kayla to rip a piece out of me and I just can't handle her right now. "Thank you for bringing me here, Kayla."
"You're dismissing me? How very Suzanne, Suzanne. You do realize I'm the only person you have right now, right?"
"Yes, I realize. That's why I'm dismissing you, so I can't screw it up with you as well," I exhale again just exhausted.
"Why haven't you called Kayla to apologize for what you said to her? Which incidentally was one of your nastiest yet."
Huffing my annoyance, I look at her like she's an idiot. "Why do you think, Kayla? Because I know I was horrible, everyone knows I was horrible, and I don't want to hear Kayla tell me to fuck off for good. I'm kind of screwed up right now, what with losing my baby and my husband within days of each other. So the thought of being told I'm a piece of shit by my best friend wasn't really high on my list of priorities. Breathing and trying to live alone was."
"But you owe her a chance to tell you to fuck off. You owe her that, Suzanne. Kayla will yell at you, say horrible things, scream and carry on, and then she'll be done. You've seen the Rinaldi's, so you know that's what they do. They yell and scream, then the air is cleared and they move on. She wouldn't have told you to fuck off forever. She would've just told you to fuck off for now."
"I couldn't be sure, Kayla. And I can't handle anymore right now. I just can't," I finally cry a little as she watches me. "I can't handle anymore..."
"I know," she steps up to me. Actually taking my hand, Kayla plays the role of the sympathetic friend which isn't usually her thing, but I’ll take it at the moment. "When I called everyone Z was in court with Mack, but Kayla was so concerned she called the ER to be told what was happening. She even choked up when she heard about your stomach, and the pain you must’ve been in. God, it was so gross,” Kayla laughs shaking her head. “How the hell didn't you notice all the stuff stuck to your shirt and like oozing from-"
"Ew. Please stop," I gag a little as she laughs. "I didn't know. I was just kind of caught up in all the pain I guess."
"It looked really sore."
Shaking my head, I tell her the truth. "It wasn't that pain, though physically it was bad. It was mostly everything else."
"Z won temporary custody of Mackenzie this afternoon," she smiles as I jolt.
Crying, I'm so happy and sad and just so happy, I can't hold in the quick sob. Bursting from my chest, I realize the fear and stress I was consumed with all weekend when it finally l
ifts.
"Oh, thank god. Oh god," I cry as she squeezes my hand tightly. "I hoped. I really wanted him to be with her. Is she- okay?"
"Yes, she's okay. Um, that's why he couldn't come here. He and Mack, plus his multiple lawyers left the court house and drove directly to Cedardale waiting to get her once the judge called in the order. Apparently he was just pacing out front, growling until he was finally allowed to enter to get her a few hours ago. Um, Mack texted me to say Z has Mackenzie and he's finally home with her."
"Good. That's really good..." I cry both relieved and heartbroken, but mostly relieved. "Do you know when I can leave here? Not for their home, but just out of the hospital?"
"In a few hours and after another bag of antibiotics I was told. You were so dehydrated when we got here the IV bag of fluids was practically sucked into your arm," she grins a little. "And I’d like you to come to my place so I can make sure you take care of yourself this time in case you don't remember to."
"Thank you," I smile kindly before turning my head to the ugly privacy curtains of another hospital. "But I really need to be alone right now. I have so much to think about and so many decisions to make, and I need to be alone to do it. I really appreciate the offer, but I need to get out of here for my own space. I don't think it's normal for one person to spend so much time in hospitals."
"It isn't normal, but neither are you," she says so seriously I laugh like I'm sure she intended.
"Thanks for visiting me this morning and for bringing me in," I add because I'm not sure what would've happened if she hasn't.
"I'm going to grab you a phone. But I'll be back in an hour."
"You don't have to."
"I know I don't. But I will be," she squeezes my hand one more time before leaving me alone.
Totally alone.
But at least Z and Mackenzie are no longer alone, which is just about the happiest news I could get right now.
Once Kayla leaves and a nurse checks my IV and stomach again I’m happy to be feeling a little better. I'm going back to the hotel soon 4 1/2 blocks from Z and Mackenzie where I'll be close enough to always sense them, but far enough away to never see them. And that's okay.