"That you always created between the 2 of you."
"Fine. That was always my fault."
"That isn't what I meant."
"It doesn't matter what you meant, it's the truth. Every single bad thing or episode or moment taken in my relationship has been by me. Z has never changed or wavered. He says he loves me and he stays put, no matter what happens or what I do. Even with all this- look at him. Z has the baby and the life, and he could cut his loses- he should cut his loses, but he never does. He just always comes back to me."
"Because he loves you."
"So?"
Glaring, she actually repeats, "So?"
"So nothing. And so everything. So I’m stepping aside now. Period. That's the point of all of this. All these words and all these tears, and everything I've known and felt for the last 18 days without them is what made this decision. This is the end, and it’s my decision to make because once again for whatever reason no one can understand, he won't make the decision that is best for not only Mackenzie but for himself as well."
"So that's it?"
"Yes."
"After everything you've been through, all the challenges faced and the victories won? After loving and living beyond your past enough to make a child with this man you love, that's all? What was the point then?"
What was the point? Staring at Kayla no longer angry or disgusted, but looking more resigned to me and my shit, I need to tell her the point so she'll finally walk away and let me go.
"The point was Mackenzie, I think."
"How?" Kayla whispers with tears in her eyes.
"I finally gave back to Z the best, most beautiful gift I could for everything he’s done for me. For all the times he loved the shit out of me when I was broken, and for all the times he held me when I cried. Um, for loving me enough to actually give him the child he deserves, without having to deal with all the crazy too. That was the point, Kayla. I get to be the mother of the child he loves without hurting him anymore. And inevitably, without hurting her when she realizes what I'm really like, and will always be like."
Shaking her head, Kayla asks only two sentences that say absolutely everything. "So that's it? You've decided to throw them away?"
"You don’t know how I feel and you’ve never lived the life I have. You will never live the life I have, so you shouldn’t judge me for this.”
“But you’re still throwing them away?”
“I don't see it that way and I never will."
"Because you're fucked in the head," she huffs walking to the door without another word. Opening it quickly, it closes slowly because of the annoying spring in the door though it's effective nonetheless. The quiet little snap when it finally closes signals the end of our friendship like a slap across my face never could.
"Suzanne, I-"
"There's nothing to say, Kayla. We said it all, and I think you know deep down I'm right."
"Actually, I don’t think you're right deep down or even on the surface. I think you are singlehandedly ruining your entire life again without your mother's help. And it's disgusting to watch."
"So don't," I actually laugh suddenly. Like she could possibly hurt me more than I'm already hurting? Whatever. She has no idea how much pain I can handle. Christ, I didn't even know until I handled it time and time again.
"Go shopping, Kayla, or Martying, or working, or whatever the hell else you do. Because there's nothing left here for you anymore."
"Okay. Bye Suzanne," she says so simply it did actually hurt quite a bit. Dammit, I thought I was immune at this point, but once again I'm wrong.
Laughing, I leave Kayla standing by the door for my makeshift bedroom to collapse on the bed with Mackenzie's journal in my hand and a lifetime of explanations and apologies to write to her so one day she might actually understand enough to forgive me.
Crying, I start my goodbye.
“Dearest Mackenzie...”
CHAPTER 39
Walking around at 7:30 in the morning, I'm a zombie. It's been 2 days since the Kayla showdown and the inevitable Kayla goodbyes. I've slept next to nothing, but I've filled the pink leather journal with my almost everything to my daughter.
I've literally told her everything. The good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful that is me. I was graphic sometimes, and skated over some graphic events at other times. But I gave her my story, from my sad beginning to this end. And honestly, a nursery rhyme it is not.
Anyway, when she's way older, like maybe in her 20's, I hope Z will give it to her so she understands who I was, what I became, and who I tried to be for her. Because I really want Mackenzie to understand I was a deeply troubled, scarred woman who did her very best for her and her dad.
Actually, I need her to understand I didn't walk away because I was selfish or uncaring, or a martyr, or even worse because I didn't love her like Kayla said. I need Mackenzie to understand it was because I loved her that I walked away. And I think I succeeded in explaining myself as best as I could.
Mackenzie will know about It, and the abuse, and the hatred that was my life before her. And then she'll know about the love and friendships I couldn't keep if she was to be safe. She'll get the very best picture of the mother who loved her, and then I hope she forgives me.
I've even decided to use some of my old money, money I've always felt tainted by but for a good reason. I found a little apartment yesterday far enough away from them so we can all move on. I found it, made the call, and in 3 days I'm going to go look at it. It's not available until February 1st, but that gives me a month to pack and move, and to fight Z, which I know I'll have to do when I tell him I'm leaving.
No matter what he feels for me right now, which honestly I am totally confused by, I know he'll fight this, but I'll win inevitably. I'll make myself win. And really what can he do anymore? It's not like he can keep me prisoner in New York or in this hotel indefinitely. He may want to, or not, or I really don't know what he wants anymore, but I'm leaving regardless because I'm done.
Whether Z loves me, likes me, or deep down resents me for all the Suzanne shit all the time, won't matter anymore. I'll be far enough away that he won't have to see me or entertain my newest incarnation of her. I'll be far enough away that he can live the life he's meant to live with his daughter and friends.
Because I'll be gone.
Waiting for nothing, I'm numb from my loses and resigned to my future. Loneliness is nothing new for me, and I'm right back where it all started.
I even bought a little iPod yesterday and downloaded my only song. Mr. Cohen no longer sings to me of his Suzanne, but I listen to her voice cry for me everything that I am and everything that went wrong.
Oh, Sia... I hear you and I see you so clearly. I wish I could hug you and cry with you. Your voice tears me apart inside as I feel my own heart slowly die. I am alone, too. And nobody can help me.
"Suzanne... " his voice calls.
Putting down my knitting for the hundredth time to revel in his dark voice, I smile. Hearing it call to me again, I truly wish it would stop now. Hearing him whisper in the shower or whisper in my bed is making me crazier. Listening in my dark silence, he's always here speaking my name in my agony of loneliness.
"Please, love. Open the door," he calls softly. But I know this game and I know these tricks. My heart plays with me so often now enticing me to love while forcing me to breathe- but I know the truth now. And no one can help me.
"Suzanne! Please, baby. Please open the door," he yells once more as I laugh.
Do I roll over in bed to nothing again? Do I push open the shower curtain to emptiness? Do I open the door to no one anymore?
Rising, I giggle my way to the door. I know this is another mind game, and I know I can handle as many as it takes until his voice fades away like it did an hour ago. I know I can, because I've been here before and I always survive everything because I'm strong.
Unlocking the door I smile as I throw it open. Okay, more lifelike than usual, I giggle when he do
esn't move.
"Stop calling my name please," I beg.
"Suzanne? It's Z," he whispers in my head again.
"Oh, I know. It's always Z in my head. Z whispering his love, and Z telling me to fuck off. It's Z who says he loves me, and Z who says he doesn't like me anymore. It's always Z," I turn to close the door once more.
"Suzanne... Look at me. It really is Z," he steps forward when I laugh.
"I know that, too. It's only ever Z who visits me in my head now because everyone else is gone. But Z always stays in my head to tease and taunt with his smile-voice and his beautiful eyes always watching."
Walking back to my knitting, I sit on the couch and resume my pink lines. When do they change to white again? I think I've lost count like I always do when Z comes to visit.
Kneeling on the floor, Z leans in like he never has before. "What are you making?"
"Your daughter a new baby blanket. But if I actually remember the lines this one will be perfect this time. Because perfection is best and good, and no one ever messes up a perfect-"
"Suzanne. Look at me, love. Put down the blanket and really look at me now. I'm here to see you."
"I know," I exhale my sadness across his face. God, these days are the longest I've ever known. “I miss you…”
"I. Am. Here. Suzanne. I'm right in front of you. And I need you to see me now."
"I always see you. But do you ever see me? Sia keeps asking if anybody can see me, and I know how she feels. Nobody ever sees me, and I'm all alone again."
Watching one little tear slide down his cheek Z whispers, "All I ever see is you, love. Everywhere. Always. In Mackenzie and in my heart. All I see is you, Suzanne." Oh.
Crying a quick sob, I cover my mouth and look away. I can't keep doing this all the time. I can't keep imagining these words and wishing Z was here to say them to me. I can't keep doing this to myself anymore.
"When did you last sleep, Suzanne? Like what day?" Z asks leaning to the side to shut my Sia off.
Turning back to Z I honestly don't remember. "I can't sleep anymore because you're never real when I try so I can't feel you breathing under me. I don't sleep because I can't lie on you beside the beautiful her on your chest anymore."
"Do you know today is Christmas Eve? Did you remember today was the 24th?"
Shaking my head I know I didn't. "I thought it was Thanksgiving I think. Oh!" Grabbing my flat stomach I know it isn't then anymore because I'm empty. "She's not here so it's not then, but- um, I think I'm confused, Z."
"I know. But it's okay to be."
"It is?"
"Yes. When did you eat last?"
"I don't know. I'm not really hungry anymore." Lifting my shaking hand to touch his soft cheek I have to be sure. "Are you really real this time? I miss you…"
"Yes, I am. And I'm here to visit you on Christmas Eve. I didn't want you to be alone tonight. Can I stay for a visit, love?"
Suddenly crying, I stay quiet. Words are always messy with me, and my head is even messier. But nodding is safe. And I can't ruin everything when I nod.
“I brought you your ring back, Suzanne. It’ll fit now and I know you hated taking it off when you were pregnant.”
“My ring?” I gasp. Oh god… “I need my ring back. I need it,” I cry.
Reaching in his pocket, Z quickly takes out my ring and slips it back on my shaking hand. “Here, love. Its back,” he smiles sweetly.
“This is us. My black and your red and the light. Um, I don’t feel the light around us anymore, Z. I never feel it anymore…”
“Its there. It’s still all around us, love. I can feel it.”
“Oh… Okay.”
"Would you like to rest with me? I need to hold you on my chest so badly, I'm hurting inside, Suzanne. And I don't want to hurt anymore."
Gasping a quick breath everything breaks free of me at once. Sobbing, Z turns to the couch and lifts me right in his arms. Holding me hard against his chest, he doesn't let me rise and I wouldn't even if I could.
Z still smells and feel exactly the same. He is so much, and I'm not enough. But right now I don't care about that, I just need to feel him against me holding me warm again.
After forever, Z lifts me right into his arms as he stands. If my weight is too much he doesn't sound like it, and if my tears are too much, he doesn't shush me. Walking with me, Z leads me to my ugly room in hell.
"No! Wait. I'm all dirty."
"You're not dirty, Suzanne. You've never been dirty with me."
"Yes, I am. And I can't lay with you if I'm the dirty her. I need to be clean with you. I always tried to be clean with you. Please don't make me dirty with you this time," I cry and thrash in his arms to get her away from him.
"Stop! I'm going to clean you," he says calmly and the panic leaves me at once. Like a snap, he stops all the panic and makes me see.
Placing me right on the little sink, his hand stays on my chest as he reaches to turn on the shower. Waiting, he adjusts it looking back and forth between the clean water and the dirty me.
Joining me at the counter Z looks so calm I actually smile for the first time in forever.
"You're gorgeous, Z. And so deep and dark and delicious, I miss you all the time you know? Even when I make my decisions to let you go, I miss you like the worst pain I've ever known. Oh, and I rhyme now, too," I giggle as he smiles that cutie crooked smile that's new for him.
"I'm going to take your clothes off now. Very slowly, but it's just us here, okay?" He reminds me before kissing my forehead like he used to.
When Z raises my shirt overhead, he pauses to gently touch my collarbone and neck. "You're getting so thin, Suzanne. Will you start eating for me?" He asks so seriously, I nod. I'll eat if he wants me to eat. "Thank you," he rubs his hands down my arms to grasp my hands in his.
"Are you still bleeding?" Shaking my head, I'm too embarrassed to answer. Blushing I look away until he turns my face back to him. "Don't ever be embarrassed with me. Ever, Suzanne. There's nothing between us but us. Remember?"
"I think I forgot."
"Please don't forget. We're everything between us, remember? You taught me that."
"I did?"
"Yes, you did. Can you stand up? Will you let me get you clean?"
"Yes, please."
Slowly moving off the sink, Z holds my shaking hand and leans against me when I list a little forward. Keeping me between his chest and the sink, Z bends slightly to remove my yoga pants as I step out of them. Waiting in my ugly bra and huge underwear, Z keeps his hand on my chest as he pulls his own sweater over his head one-handed.
"I always loved that sweater," I say to myself but Z smiles anyway.
"It's because it’s black," he grins.
"I don't think so. Well, that helps. But it's because you always look so big in it. And like strong and manly, and like the man I want to love and-"
Stopping all my thoughts, Z leans his forehead against my own and just breathes against me as I thaw a little inside. Warming to him, I feel the lonely chill fading away and the warmth of hope threatening to break me again. I know it's coming and I don't want to hope, but I know I can't stay this cold forever.
"I'm so cold all the time now..."
“Me too, Suzanne.”
"You are? I thought I was the one who needed your warm body wrapped around me to keep me warm."
"No. It's both of us. And I've been so cold without you," he whispers kissing my head. "Come here. Let me help you," he offers pulling away to wrap his arm around my back as we step into the shower together.
Oh! It's so warm here now.
"Let me warm you," he whispers as I turn into him.
Feeling the water slide from my hair down my whole body I shiver strangely from the warmth. Holding onto Z's body, I don't dare speak, and I hold in all the sad. I need to feel this right now. I need to feel Z keeping me warm.
"Can you lean against the wall?" Nodding, I pull away slowly and watch him smile at my attempt to stand. "I'm
going to remove your clothes, but it's still just us here."
"I know," I smile a little finally.
Waiting, Z unlatches and slips my bra from my arms as my breasts fall heavy and full on my chest. Covering them up, Z doesn't acknowledge them or me before he slides his hands around my waist to lower my black granny panties to the shower floor.
Rising, he looks at my face so intensely, I can't even blink as his long lashes fill with water diamonds. "Is it still just us here?"
"Yes."
"I'm going to clean you now and I want you to watch my eyes. Stay right here with me. Promise?"
"Yes..." When Z raises his arm with soap he’s slow but soft. Cleaning me he doesn't touch me where he shouldn't and he doesn't linger where he could.
"I'll turn my back while you clean yourself down there, okay?"
Placing the soap in my head, Z kisses my lips quickly but softly as I exhale the last of the dream. He IS here, and I know the difference now. This is Z because even my dream Z knows to never touch me without my real Z here.
“I’m fully awake now Z. And I know you’re real now,” I whisper to his back as he nods.
Touching myself, I finish cleaning the filthy from my body as the past slides away with the suds down the drain. I'm clean again, and I can now be clean with Z.
"I'm very tired, Z."
Turning to me, he says a very heartfelt, "I know," before covering my little body in his large one. "Let me get you a towel," he reaches but I point to the back of the door until he sees my black robe. "You still need to be dried first."
"No... The towels are too small and I'm never covered up. Please just give me my robe, Z. Please?" I beg as the naked shakes start.
"Here, love. It's just us, right?" Nodding, I wait to be covered and finally exhale when I am. "It's just you and me here, and I need to lie down with you."